Still lost!

[lexy]

Hello Grouse

I had such a happy childhood, but it was my mum and dad that made it happy for me, I felt I never really knew my brother, I think he was jealous of me and he is quite a "deep" sort of person and some people just will not "let you in" and in the end I gave up trying, I have not had contact with him for some months now and I know my mum would not like this, maybe one day I will write to him but doubt if I will get a reply, I don't wish him any harm just wish he was more like a brother. You must think about yourself at the moment, you are the one who cared for your mum, showed compassion and love and should be proud of that, you are the one that carried this burden on your own from the sound of it so you are stronger than you think, I can relate to what you say and how you feel, I survived and you will aswell.

I sometimes sit and listen to sad music, stare out of the window, think of my lovely mum and how I miss her and tears stream down my face. I tell her how much I love her and thank her for giving me a happy life and that I will love her for the rest of my life. I can see her smiling at me now.

I read somewhere "the only cure for grief is to grieve"


Lexy

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

I know what you mean when you say you have so many questions and you need to talk to someone who will understand and not judge you. You will get through this and you are not alone. I remember thinking to myself, my back is against the wall, I can't go back, I can either lie down and die or move forward. I am a fighter and knew that I had to move forward, painfully, slowly and in a muddled way but I crawled along, grieving, crying, feeling hopeless, in what seemed a pointless life in a meaningless world. I thought to myself whatever happens to me in the rest of my life, nothing is going to be this painful, if I can get through this I can get through anything.

I do have some sort of a life, it is a life without the mum I loved so deeply, but I must go on for her sake. I feel I must walk forward and learn to somehow live again as a tribute to her. I know you are depressed and sad and probably will be for some while yet but you will find the strength from within yourself to live again.


"The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal"

C.S Lewis


Lexy

 

[grouse]

thanks lexy, you're so right in everything you're saying x

 

[Carabosse]

I know this might sound terrible and please don't take it the wrong way, but I am so glad I am an only child in that I doubt I would be able to handle the arguments or wondering why someone hadn't come to see mum, its bad enough trying to fathom why mums surviving two brothers didn't show any interest in her even when she was in good health.

The questions I have could only be answered by the medics rather than a counsellor but I doubt I would get any answers that would satisfy me into not wanting to ask the same question, I mean I doubt anyone would be able to answer that would make me not ask more questions, if that makes sense?

I often wonder to myself how I am going to manage without mum, its difficult when a huge part of your life is no longer there and trying to adjust and move forward, its like my life is in limbo where I'm not sure whether I should be doing x, y or z. I sometimes lie in bed in the morning thinking I survived another night then thoughts turn to what am I going to do, but at the moment due to my back etc its not a lot!
Yes I am clinically depressed and no amount of tablets seem to help, not that I'm taking that many, but between everything that's wrong and how I feel its not helping its like a catch 22 situation.

I think the son of mums friend thinks he is helping but I doubt he thinks things through enough its a case of acting first thinking later, he is trying to get more help for his mum around the house but I told her she has to do some things for herself or she will get worse, she does agree with me so we shall see what develops.

 

[grouse]

carabosse, I really wish I was an only child, the resentment I feel towards my siblings is eating away at me and clouds everything I do. I have no faith in brothers and sisters anymore. I have 2 kids and I just pray they are close, but I have no faith they will be. Its my one hope in life that they are. I am so very jealous of normal families who care about each other. Would it be possible to speak to your mums doctor about her treatments? You do sound depressed, but to me this is normal when we were so involved with our mums lives. I hope you feel lighter soon, but by soon I mean this time next year, grief takes a long long time to work through us and I believe it never really goes. All I could advise is try to accept your feelings as normal, and try to be good to yourself, in little ways, a nice magazine to read, a cup of tea and a cake from M&S, just little things, if it helps a tiny bit. And keep posting here, people like lexy who have been in our shoes are invaluable, I dont know anyone who was as close to their mums as I was and so involved in their care, but I know you and lexy were.

 

[Carabosse]

That's like my uncles as far as I am concerned I do not have any and if one day I meet them in heaven (if it exists as I am trying to tell myself it does), I will let them know exactly what I think.
My Dr has been pretty good and has answered some of the questions I have, but no sooner than one question is answered then another one pops into my head, I somehow think I will always have questions that can't be answered, yes people can tell me what they think or have an educated guess but unless they were there I will never know the answers to some things.
Yes I am depressed, some days are worse than others, I am seeing my Dr later in the month so i'll bring it up again. I hope I feel better in a years time but knowing me I wouldn't hold my breath, but we shall see. I am comfort eating just now, which although it makes me feel better is doing nothing for my weight!
I will keep posting as I would hope what I am feeling no matter how dark or strange may help someone else who is going through the same process to think hang on a minute what I am thinking or feeling is normal, rather than trying to hide such thoughts and feelings.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse and Grouse

I'm sorry I didn't have loving siblings, I would have liked to have had a sister and a friend, but it is clear from reading some of the threads on this forum we are not alone in not having good relationships with siblings. I'm sure there are many families and children though who do have happy relationships with each other.

Grouse, I think that what is eating away at you with regard to your siblings is because their behaviour has hurt you, you are more sensitive than them, try not to let them get to you so much, I know that is not easy, my brother has hurt my feelings on many occasions, not by what he has said but what he has not said! Feeling hurt and angry is part of grieving and these feelings will subside in time, and like you Grouse I don't think you ever stop grieving, it is just not always so intense and painful.

When I go to Heaven, and I am assuming I will! I just want to see my mum and dad, they were the two most important people in my life and the two people I loved and cared about more than anything.

The way you are both feeling is normal, try and "go with the flow" of the grieving process, it has to be gone through, there is no escape from it.

I read somewhere that we cannot control all that happens to us, but we can control how we choose to respond. We can choose to overcome and survive it. I think it was Eleanor Ross that said this.

Look after yourselves

Lexy

 

[grouse]

yes, Lexy, I am too sensitive, sometimes its more of a curse than a blessing. If theres one thing I would wish for in all this,( apart from 5 more minutes with mum and dad of course, ), its the wish I just didnt bother with things so much, meaning my siblings. I wish they didnt affect me so much, but they've always got under my skin, esp my sister, from as long as I could remember. Like you, I see other sisters getting along and being good for one another and I so envy that. But I had that with my mum, I know others dont, so I'm grateful for that.

carabosse, I dont think you'll get over losing your mum, but I hope with time, you start to come to terms with some things in your own mind, I've found myself continuously going over and over the same things, and now and then an idea pops into my head, that sort of explains my reactions to things that have happened, if you know what I mean. I think so many things have happened our minds constantly churn them over, like processing the memories and the feelings, until we can accept them a bit. I feel its a bit like post traumatic stress disorder, what I've read about it, going through things over and over until we start to try to come to terms with them. I hope this makes a bit of sense! Please ignore me if it doesn't!

 

[grouse]

I just wanted to say, I'm finding it a real comfort to be able to speak to you both about this..thank you both for listening and talking to me xxx

 

[lexy]

Hello Grouse

I am a bit sensitive but would never admit it (well only on here). I saw an elderly lady today, she was outside the supermarket, slumped in her wheelchair, from the back she looked like my mum, it reminded me of a very heartbreaking image I have of my mum when she was like this, it suddenly brings it all back, I started crying and thought, oh God please stop tormenting me like this. This doesn't happen all the time to me but it did today, I can see this sad image of my mum so clearly. Does this happen to you? I sometimes feel as if I am grieving for two people, my real mum and my mum with dementia.

Things do go over and over in your head, I nearly drove myself mad thinking about it all and some days wonder how I ever survived this whole horrible episode of my life. I have tried so hard not to see my mum when she was so frail and poorly, they are desperately sad images in my head, I expect you have these same pictures in your head of your mum, I wonder if they will ever leave us.

I am glad if talking on here is of some comfort to you, Carabosse and I will understand, so you are not alone in feeling the way you do. Keep on talking to us when you feel the need.

Look after yourself

Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

Yes Grouse I know exactly what you mean about going over and over things in your mind, with me its a case of did I do the right thing, could I have done something a different way, should I have done this or that, or why didn't I do something, I try and tell myself I did everything I could and the way I would like someone to do something for me (if I were in the same situation), sometimes I convince myself I did other times I fail miserably!

I haven't as yet seen anyone that reminds me of my mum but then I haven't been out and about to notice anything like that, but there will come a time when I will come across someone and I will probably have the same reaction as you.

I have the images of mum lying in her hospital bed and not being able to do anything, I have the thoughts of were the hospital staff treating my mum ok when I wasn't there and just looking as though they were doing something when I was there, between the thoughts and the images I have so many unanswered questions and it breaks my heart that I may never know the answers.
I do think back to a time before mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and wish we could go back to that time, even when dad was with us, if only I had a magic wand to go back in time where we didn't really have a care in the world or know that much about Alzheimer's except was reported on TV or in the newspapers.

It is good to talk to you guys, even though I'm still in a deep dark hole (or tunnel) with no sign of light or way out (as yet) I feel it does help.

 

[Carabosse]

Had a massive shock just after lunch a lady and gent came to the door asking to speak to mum concerning a small debt she had, I told them mum passed in February. Not sure who was more shocked, me for them asking or for them not knowing. The lady will be calling the company I would have but I know I wouldn't be able to control my language, they said they weren't informed by the original company, yet I called them (mobile bill showed the date) and asked what to do so they did know. I also sent an email to original company but not heard back from them yet.
Saying I'm not a happy bunny is an understatement, how could they do something like this, just turning up no letters nothing, got another bloody headache now!

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

That visit must have been upsetting for you to say the least. You would have thought they would have had the manners to write first. That sort of thing would give me a headache aswell, try not to get too upset or make yourself feel anymore poorly than you already do, I am sure it will all sort it's self out.

Thinking of you


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

Upsetting is an understatement! I replied to their email reply saying what they said wasn't good enough and since I called them not long after mum passed asking for advice it was up to them to follow it up rather than the original company, also I received no calls or letters stating that I would get a visit from anyone. I am not going to let this go lightly, this shouldn't happen companies should communicate especially at times like this.

 

[elizabet]

Does seem rather unprofessional to just turn up on someone's doorstep with no prior letter or phone call .
hope you get it sorted without getting too upset.
elizabet.

 

[grouse]

I'm grieving two mums too, the young mum and the old frail mum, and there's only a few years apart, it crept up on me. I know what you mean, lexy, its so sad.

 

[Carabosse]

Sent a reply to their reply last night so will see what develops today, no word from their head office either. I was thinking of asking my MP to look into it, just have to figure out who that is!
Didn't get much sleep last night (not that I do anyway), that incident has brought a whole new sett of thoughts to mind, not too mention I'm still angry that a company could act so unprofessionally.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

Try not to let this problem cause you too much stress and anger, although being a Sagittarian aswell, we are not known as fire signs for nothing! and I would get quite "wound up" about this sort of thing.

I expect you are feeling much the same apart from this problem, try to stay calm, easier said than done, I know but getting stressed will not be good for you.

I hope you are taking care of yourself.


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

Forgot about the Sagittarian fire thing, need to remember that. I'm trying not to let it get to me but its just the level of unprofessionalism that gets me more than anything.

I have had a few nightmares lately, nothing to do with what happened. It was in the house we used to live in before the one we have now, dad was still alive, mum went missing and couldn't find her and for some reason there was a tiger in our living room! There was a bit more to it than that, but can't put it on here!

At the moment I think the depression is gaining more of a foothold than I would like, sleeping hasn't improved, I like sleep for a couple of hours wake up then tossing and turning is sore due to back/ hips, and my knees are joining in with the pain. I will be seeing my Dr in about 2 weeks so will see what he says, oh and btw I phoned Cruse just need to wait until someone calls me back to see what happens next.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

I'm sorry you are having nightmares, can't be pleasant . I think it may be another way your head will cope with your loss, I do remember having some strange dreams, in one I kept running after my mum but she kept disappearing.

I hope the depression will not get too much of a hold on you because I know how debilitating it can be. Maybe your nice doctor may be able to suggest another medication if the one you are taking isn't working?

I think it will be good for you to talk to someone from Cruse, I hope they can arrange something for you soon, I know I had to wait a while. It's a nuisance when you can't get a good nights sleep when, at this sad time you need it most.

Still in the same place in the tunnel?

Take care

Lexy