Still lost!

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

I'm sorry to hear you had a nightmare, that must have been a bit scary, I used to have some strange dreams but no nightmares. 5 months today, a date you will never forget, I used to buy some flowers on the date my mum died and place them beside her photo and tell her how much I loved her.

Like Molly11 said this is a tough situation and will probably be this way for a while. I have not heard from my brother since I gave him a "piece of my mind" so that's that I suppose, not that he was any support before.

I hope the cat is still coming to see you and stays with you for a while, have you still got somewhere to sit? My cat is a bit poorly at the moment so I will have to take her to see the vet.

I hope watching the Tour de France is not a sad experience for you without your mum, but it will give you something to focus on.

Look after yourself


Lexy

 

[elizabet]

Hi Carabosse,
It is really odd how we have dreams that are so real .I have had one or two very realistic dreams since my Mum died, mainly seemed to centre on her house( my childhood home) which I have sold but thankfully no night mares. Guess it is our body and sub conscious reacting to all the stress and distress we have had recently (6 months since my Mum died).
I know Mum is dead yet on quite a few occasions I have found myself about to buy a post card to send to her when we have been visiting places. She loved pretty hankies rather than use tissues and a few weeks ago I saw some embroidered hankies in a shop and thought they would just be right for mum -then realised I could not buy them for her.
It must be much harder for you as you shared the same house as your Mum whereas I lived many miles away from mine although phoned regularly and stayed up with her about every month and more frequently just before she entered her care home. We have to keep pressing on -people do say although you never stop missing your loved one the pain and anguish of your loss does slowly diminish as time goes by.
Hope you manage to get some gardening done.

 

[Carabosse]

It was, not sure why I seem to be getting them? I don't have a lot of photos of mum, well not recent ones anyway, that's something we never really did was go nuts with photos, wish I had.

The cat has been in again and still makes a straight line for my chair after having some food, I usually move even before I am upright the cat is flat out on the chair! I hope your cat get better quickly.

Mum would have been shouting at the TV when the riders got near the end of the stages, I am doing that on her behalf but it has been strange watching the TDF without her.

The nightmares have been ones where you would think you were really there, that's what makes them more frightening I think.

When my dad died we (mum and I) went through a stage when we heard a noise we thought it was dad in the house or when the house was cooling down and creaked it sounded like he was coming in the front door, think I might be going through the same stage again? Being in the house myself is strange when mum has been with me all my life, not too mention there are so many of her things around to remind me she isn't here, I won't be getting rid of any of them I think i'll keep everything as a reminder of her not that I need anything to remind me if you know what I mean?
I had some hankies embroidered with mums initial for a birthday a while ago, they have gone missing, it could have been when she was in respite but I always put a list with her and checked when she came home, the only other thing is that she might have thrown it out thinking it was a tissue or left them somewhere. I have had similar experiences where I have seen a blouse or cardigan that would have been perfect for mum, but like you I realise I can't buy anymore clothes for my mum.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

I have been busy packing, my sale and purchase were finally completed yesterday and I am very relieved, the strain was beginning to get to me, I am, at last moving house next Wednesday! My cat is okay, she has had some antibiotics, I am dreading moving her, she is very nervous and will no doubt do what she did when I first rehomed her which was to hide behind the sofa for hours on end.

Your little furry "visitor" does not seem nervous from what you have said, I'm glad she comes to see you, she likes you.

Did you enjoy watching Tour de France, I know it would not have been the same without your mum.

I am not in my mum's house, I sold it when she came to live with me, but I felt sad when it was sold because my mum was very happy living in it and I have so many happy memories when she was there, just another reminder of the disruption and misery dementia causes. It broke my heart taking her out of her home, but she was not safe staying on her own. I still have lots of my mum's "nick nacks" and don't want to part with them.

My mum used to prefer hankies to tissues, I think it may have been an age thing as I expect when our mum's were much younger I'm not sure they even had tissues.

How are you feeling, the depression I mean, are the pills helping yet? Are you still doing anything harmful to yourself, I hope not.

Are you still in the very dark place or have you moved anywhere at all?


Lexy

 

[worn out]

im new on this forum but found your posts so moving that ifelt i needed to tell you that one day sooner or later a day comes when the memory of someone you love makes you smile with the sweet thoughts you have about them. never thought that was possible when i lost my dad but now i realise how lucky i was to have had him and i almost still see him in his chair and it makes me smile.what luck you had in having such a lovely relationship with your mum. give it time ,best wishes

 

[Carabosse]

Good luck with moving house, and I think your cat will cope with the move as well it will probably take her a few days to get used to it. Is she an indoor cat or a bit of both?
Yesterday the cat didn't really want to settle she was rubbing her head on me, I don't know if something was bothering her, I know it wasn't the food as she had just had some and still had on her plate if she wanted to go back for more.

The TDF is still going its a 3 week bike race, it won't be the same without Froome but i'll still watch it, it does seem strange mum not being here to watch it with me as she really liked watching it.

I don't think I would move from where I am now, too many memories and I can't be bothered moving anywhere else, but who knows that may change if I win the lottery (fat chance).
I prefer hankies to tissues as they don't break up so much, only thing is when its time to iron them there seems to be more than I washed!

I am still getting some side effects from the pills but I will keep taking them until I see my Dr again, if it gets too bad i'll give the surgery a ring. They don't seem to be doing much, I mean I don't feel any different and yes I am still harming myself, so that will also answer your other question as to whether I have moved anywhere, no I still feel I am right where I was when mum passed.

Hello worn out, I have been thinking of mum and dad and yes the thoughts make me smile, but then they usually turn to tears as I realise I am on my own and don't have them around to talk to, I do talk to them every day but its not the same, I am using mums chair as the cat has taking over mine. I think because I was very close to mum it makes it harder for me to cope with her not being here, if that makes sense? I will never get over the fact she is no longer here, but I hope that things will get easier, at the moment they don't seem that they will, but as everyone says give it time.

 

[molly11]

Hi Carabosse,
Thankyou for including me.

I believe pets are an ally & certainly when one justs "arrives" at your door, how lovely! Do you think it's your Mum's work? (Sorry if I've missed that conversation) Have you given her a name?

How are you feeling on your new medication? (Sorry if you've already replied)
I was put on citalopram 3 years ago & I found the side-effects unbearable. I often wish now I'd continued, because I live in such a dark place, day to day. I have children & I love them to pieces but sometimes, all I can manage is the school run, then I run inside my house & hide.

That, of course, was not really anything to do with my dad being ill. Though, there were many, many times I cried outside the hospital (he was sectioned in dec 2012) & then moved to a care home in early 2013. He was moved back to hospital under section 3 last winter.
He died, a tortured old man & he was the opposite- a man who loved life, embraced life & fought that dreadful illness as long as he could.

I still can't quite believe he's gone.

I know I don't know what you're going through, but I believe I have an inch.

Xxxxx


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[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

I hope my cat will be okay during the move, I will put her in the bathroom while my furniture is being taken out because I don't want to put her in her carrier too soon and it will be quieter in there. She is more of an indoor cat, when I got her from Cats Protection they said she had hardly been out, I would rather she went outside but if she is too frightened I can't make her go, I would have to keep her in for a few weeks anyway when I move, don't want to lose her even though she is microchipped. She knows I am "up to something" with the boxes all over the place and things keep disappearing, but she does not know what yet, but she'll find out on Wednesday!

When the cat is rubbing her head on you she is putting her "scent" on you and being affectionate, how old is she, do you know?

I am sorry is you are still self harming, hopefully in time you will be able to stop. I don't know about you but when the sun is shining and everybody is out enjoying themselves and everything looks so pleasant I feel dreadfully sad, I just wish my mum was out with me and the summer somehow seems to make me feel worse and when I miss her more, roll on autumn! I miss having her to share things with and I know you will your mum aswell.

Hello molly11, your dad sounds as if he was in the same place as my mum when he died, I know this dark place you are in, I pray for you that you will find your way out.

Take care of yourselves


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

Hi molly11, the cat isn't exactly a stray, she has a home a few doors up on the other side of the road from me. She was stuck up a neighbours holly tree but when I shook some dried food to try and get her down it worked, ever since then she has been in and out of the house, meowing on the windowsill until I let her in and give her some food. Now she has taken over my chair I use mums, except when I'm sitting there the cat is on the arm of it as well. Its like she is becoming clingy, I went to the bathroom the other day and closed to the connecting door only to find the cat on the bottom step of the stairs, she was sleeping on the chair before that, so not sure what's going on?

In a way I am glad I don't have children, but I know what you mean when you get back to your house to hide, same sort of thing with me I go out only when I have to then I get home asap where I feel safe. I'm going to keep going with the medication and hope the side effects dissipate, so fingers crossed there.
I think in a way you do know what I am going through as like you I can't believe mum has gone, she was so full of get up and go before the Alzheimer's, it's a terrible condition that robs people of who they were.

Hi lexy, have you ever considered a lead for your cat to take her outside so you will have control of her in case she bolts up the nearest tree? I know it sounds strange but when I was younger someone did that as she had an indoor cat and they lived in a block of flats, so every so often she would take her to the garden bit on a lead.
I have no idea how old she is, but she isn't an old cat. She is also moulting just now which isn't good, especially as I'm wearing black it seems to show it more!

I hope so as well. That is true, I watch people out having fun yet all I want to do is stay indoors and hide. I see some children arguing with their mums and I think how can they do that, at times all I can focus on is the arguments we had although they never lasted long and we always made up soon after. I miss not having mum around to do things with, I would give anything to have her back.

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

It sounds to me as if the cat has decided she would like to move in, permanently! Someone has "sent" her to you, I wonder who? If she is moulting have you ever tried to brush her, my cat is shorthair but I still need to brush her.

I do have a harness for my cat and when I have been in my new home for a while I will attempt to put it on her and take her out, I am not hopeful that she will let me do this but I will try.

I know the wave of emotions you are on at the moment but at some point you will reach the shore and end up on the beach, you will be bruised and battered but this will be a turning point in your life, which way you choose to go will be your decision, nobody can decide for you, but I am sure you will make the right one.

I can sometimes feel my mum's presence, it is as if she is standing beside me, I don't know if it is just my mind playing tricks on me or whether she is there in some form or another. I like to think it is the latter.

When I feel sad, and I often do and want to see my mum, I look inside my heart because this is where my dear mum lives now.

Please don't punish yourself


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

Would be nice to think that maybe mum has 'sent' the cat to me, but I don't know. There are times when I close the curtains at night and the cat is on the windowsill but I don't let her in at night as I don't know if she would settle or wander around and break things, as for brushing her there was one day she came in and it had been raining I tried to dry her off with a towel and she didn't like it, so I doubt she would let me near her with a brush!

You'll just have to tell her that the only way she can go out is with the harness, I know strange 'conversation' to be having with a cat you know won't answer you.

That's a nice analogy of the beach, it does feel as though I have been in a storm and trying to find my way out I just hope it doesn't take too long as I don't like feeling like this, but I know deep down it will take a lot of time and part of me will never get over it.

I sometimes wonder if mum is near me, as yet I can't feel her, maybe it is too soon I don't know, but as I said before there are times when I have gone into her room and the smell is different maybe that is her trying to tell me she is here, or maybe its me trying to tell myself its mum or hoping it is?

I have looked a couple of times at the pictures I took of mum in her coffin, she looks so peaceful that I just want to say come on its time to wake up, but I can't. I do look back to happier times when it was just me and mum or even further back when dad was around as well, to have those times again would be brilliant, but alas that's not to be.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Would be nice to think that maybe mum has 'sent' the cat to me, but I don't know. There are times when I close the curtains at night and the cat is on the windowsill but I don't let her in at night as I don't know if she would settle or wander around and break things, as for brushing her there was one day she came in and it had been raining I tried to dry her off with a towel and she didn't like it, so I doubt she would let me near her with a brush!

You'll just have to tell her that the only way she can go out is with the harness, I know strange 'conversation' to be having with a cat you know won't answer you.

That's a nice analogy of the beach, it does feel as though I have been in a storm and trying to find my way out I just hope it doesn't take too long as I don't like feeling like this, but I know deep down it will take a lot of time and part of me will never get over it.

I sometimes wonder if mum is near me, as yet I can't feel her, maybe it is too soon I don't know, but as I said before there are times when I have gone into her room and the smell is different maybe that is her trying to tell me she is here, or maybe its me trying to tell myself its mum or hoping it is?

I have looked a couple of times at the pictures I took of mum in her coffin, she looks so peaceful that I just want to say come on its time to wake up, but I can't. I do look back to happier times when it was just me and mum or even further back when dad was around as well, to have those times again would be brilliant, but alas that's not to be.

I am glad you have the cat and yes, probably your Mum would have wanted you to have some comfort from caring about another innocent little creature x

 

[lexy]

Hello Carabosse

Well, I am all packed up and going tomorrow at 8.30. I am worried about my cat, I don't know how long she will be in her carrier, I will only be able to get keys to my new home when solicitors have received money and hopefully they will do this in the morning. It is at times like these I really miss my mum. When I have moved before, and my mum was okay and did not have dementia it was all so much less stressful, she would look after my cats for me for the day, get me something to eat and generally be supportive and kind and caring like she always was but she is not there to do this for me anymore and I really do miss her kindness.

I don't think you ever stop grieving for someone you have lost, I haven't, but as time passes the grief becomes what I would call a more gentle kind of grief, not so intense, but it is still there. I read somewhere time does not heal all wounds, it is what we do with that time, I think this is very true.

It is good that you have some pictures of your mum and can see her at peace. To have happier times to look back on is helpful, I used to wish I could go back to those times but I slowly began to accept this was never to be. I do still have sometimes a real yearning to hold my mum's hand, just to have her there with me, just to be able to talk to her and hear her voice, I have all my memories but it is not the same. I don't know about you, but I tend to fall apart at night, I lie there listening to music and thinking about my mum and still feel very sad.

I hope , as you travel along your bumpy road you find ways to cope with your pain, you have to find ways to let your grief "out". There are many different stages of grief and everyone feels different things at different times. I still have what I call my "good, bad and ugly" days and probably will for sometime. I think, like me, you will never stop missing your mum but will hopefully in time remember her with less pain.

Glad the cat is still coming to see you.

I will not be able to go on TP for a couple of days due to moving so I very much hope someone else will have a chat with you and I will reply again in a few days.

Take care of yourself


Lexy

 

[Carabosse]

Good luck with the move, hope everything goes well and its not to stressful for your cat. I know what you mean about having your mum around for big things, she would make sure things ran smoothly that you didn't forget anything and be there for an minor hiccups, I'm sure she will be there with you in spirit.

I don't think time heals all wounds either, no idea where that saying originated from in the first place, I suppose things will get easier but for now that seems a long way off.

I can go back to earlier times in my dreams if I can get to sleep, but lately as I have mentioned before they are nightmares of losing mum, not so much of her passing but of her going missing and I have trouble finding her. Not sure if its the medication that's causing the nightmares, or if it is just my brain going hyper at night?

Night time is the worst time, its like you have too much time to think on things and for me that usually ends in tears as I know I won't be able to have a conversation with mum, go places with her, buy her things, do anything with her ever again.

I received some leaflets from Cruse and finally sent an email to the address given, so hopefully I will hear back from them soon.

The cat seems to be at my place more than its own, and now it can't make up its mind which chair it wants as whichever one it goes to I sit on the other, then it decides it wants the one I'm on! I put a cushion on my lap the other day and it sat on that and started to clean itself then settle a bit, its never done that before!

 

[molly11]

Hi,

Lexy I hope your move goes smoothly & you & your cat can settle in together as soon as possible. Moving is up there as one of the three most traumatic things a person can go through, (I've read) I know bereavement is one of the three- I can't remember the other. Perhaps one of you know?
Lots of best wishes your way for your move.

I also feel the most sad at night. I'm busy during the day & as sad as I am, I'm distracted. The nights are when I put on the music & reflect, but mainly cry.
May I ask which songs are the "ones" for you all? There may be too many but I know for me, there's a few I still can't listen to.
I've downloaded a few lately that mean a lot to me as they meant a lot to my Dad. There's also a few I've seen on here, that seems to capture how I feel.
But there's also a few that have been released, since Dad died, that reduce me to floods of tears- some if them aren't even slow songs!
Thinking of you all.

M x


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[Carabosse]

I would think a birth, death and marriage are the 3 big traumatic things a person can go through as well as moving, but I don't know?

I am not listening to music of any kind right now, I haven't done so since before mum passed, its like all the happiness has gone out of me, I was channel hoping the other day and heard the first line of the Beatles song 'Yesterday' think that sort of sums everything up really, hopefully I will listen to music again at some point but right now I just can't bring myself to listen to anything.

 

[elizabet]

Hi Carabosse , How are you doing as I noticed you have not posted for a few days?

 

[Carabosse]

Hi elizabet, I haven't been too good the past few days, between the headaches the depression, now the dam heat is getting to me its too dam hot!

 

[molly11]

It is so hot, isn't it? I'm not one for heat- I prefer the cold! The only good thing for me, is that I psoriasis all over my legs- the sun helps it! So I've tried to sit out every aft for half hour or so.
My Dad wasn't a sun-worshipper, but he had that type of skin, that browned without meaning to. Me & mum always teased him that he'd been "looking at the sun again"
How did your mum feel about the sun, carabosse?
I've been thinking of you

Xx


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[Carabosse]

I'm the same as you, the colder it is the more ice and snow there is and I'm happy, I don't mind the sun as we need it for Vitamin D but we are not used to this heat.
Glad the sun helps your psoriasis, I don't have it but I know a few people who do and they say the sun helps.
I don't think mum minded the sun, even before the Alzheimer's she would be in the garden most of the day but I would make sure she had sun block on and wore a hat, I would also make her regular cups of tea or juice so she would stay hydrated. After the diagnosis it was difficult to at times to get mum to drink enough fluid as she didn't like drinking plain water, but once I found some juice she liked she drank like a fish (as the saying goes) during hot days.