Starting to resent things

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by AJay, Sep 24, 2007.

  1. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    123
    Leics
    I've not been on the site for a while and have just got back from a wonderful 2 week break in France. My good friend who quite happily looked after my Dad while I was away has just phoned me with a few concerns. Sorry folks, this could be a long one.

    History - Dad has had dementia for a few years now tho isn't so bad that he can't do the basics for himself. He has no short term memory, no logical thought and has recently started to hear music which the doc has now given him medication for. He's convinced that his neighbour is deliberately playing the music and has a vendetta going against him. I have to go along with this as he gets really aggressive with me if I question it. He refuses all help from social services or any other source as he thinks that there's no need for any other help because I can do everything for him. He got rid of his gardener as again, if I'm around then I can do the garden for him. I had to reduce my hours at work earlier this year to be able to clean, garden, shop, wash and iron for him and do the other things that he needs doing so that I have time to be able to get things done in my own home. The loss of some of my salary is starting to tell on me now, despite my partner trying to pick up the tab for this. Dad has also been 'doing without' if he has to pay for things (he's back in the 1940's for the price of things) so I have to pay for all his shopping, clothes, bedding, feed his dog, pay for vets bills, and am having to pay for his new glasses following his cararact removal because he won't pay for them himself. He insists that I take him £450 cash every month - he's on a good occupational pension - which he then squirrels away despite many warnings that he shouldn't have so much money in the house which of course then leads to more aggression towards me. He likes to be able to 'see and count' his money.

    My friend is the only person he'll see other than me, the rest of my family have been rejected by him so happily have no dealings with him, and he absolutely adores my friend. While I was away, he showed her what she thought amounted to a few thousand £'s that he'd hidden around the house, telling her not to tell me because he's convinced that I steal his money. He told her that I've stolen everything out of his bank account because he doesn't see it any more, that I shout at him all the time and make him do things he doesn't wnt to do. He also announced that he doesn't trust my partner because he steal his tools and can't understand why I'm with him because my partner also shouts at him all the time.

    I've had quite a difficult time with him over the last few months and assumed it was because I've had to take him backwards and forwards to hospital and the doctor which he never wants to do so I feel like I'm having to force him out of the house. Seem like the real reason he's being difficult is because he doesn't trust me. I'm really hurt by this as he's costing me and my partner quite a substantial amount of money each month, plus I now seem to spend my work time trying to fit a full time job into part time hours then run back to cope with Dad before I can get back to my own home, plus spend most of my weekends sorting him out.

    After hearing all this I'm now serously thinking about going back to work full time and Dad will have to put up with care being bought in whether he likes it or not and pay for it himself (it comes cheaper by the hour than I do!) I'm now at the point where I want to lose some of the responsibility if that's what he really thinks of me. Given that he's actually my step dad and was an absolute swine to me until I left home, I'm very tempted to do it. I've got a feeling that in his mind he's reverted back to those times where he resented Mom's children being around spoiling things for him.

    HELP!!!!!

    AJay
     
  2. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Gosh what a difficult time you're having at the moment - not what you need to come back to after your break eh?

    Well, I think it is important that you and your partner are not having to struggle financially when there is no need to and plus you're doing an awful lot considering that you're working and trying to run your own house hold as well.

    As harsh as it seems he will never accept paid help as long as you're there doing it for him - I should know I'm still trying to put in place similar advice given to me!!:)

    He has bad mouthed you to your friend which I am sure is very upsetting, especially when you are doing so much for him despite a difficult history together. However, I'm sure it will be the dementia talking. It may not even be that he believes it but was attention seeking from your friend - wanting her sympathy?

    Would it be worth trying to speak to him and saying that it's too much for you and if he wants to help you to let you arrange for some more of your friends to come and do his garden etc? He needn't know that they're not your friends but he may be more accepting of them if he thinks they are? Have you considered meals on wheels for his meals? It's literally just dropping it off so he may not object too much as they won't be spending time there.

    In terms of you having to subsidise him financially for shopping and other items would it be possible to have catalogues about so that you can show him the price in the catalogue?

    I also think it's important to get other family members involved - this is not your full responsibility - the fact that he has been pleasanter for you than them is no excuse for them letting you shoulder the burden of this alone. Could you speak to them about it or at least allocate jobs for them to do? Let's face it if he is starting to become hostile to you as well then there is no excuse for them stand by and let you handle all this alone.

    I hope some of this is helpful and even if it's not I'll be thinking of you.
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,584
    Kent
    Dear Ajay,

    You`ve obviously gone out of your way to accommodate your father and are met with the ingratitude and mistrust common to many sufferers.

    Please don`t let it make you resentful. It might make it easier for you if you did return to full time work and brought outside carers in.

    As well as that, if you do continue to shop for him, keep the receipts, present them to him and tell him how much he owes you.

    Do not leave room for discussion. Just tell it as it is. If shopping is itemised on receipts he will have to accept it.

    Sometimes we can feel so much compassion we make too many allowances. We know the rudeness is part of the condition but it doesn`t stop it being hurtful. So we need to step back a bit.

    Being a carer, does not mean you have to accept abuse.

    Take care

    Love xx
     
  4. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Ajay,
    I expect you wished you had stayed in France ! What you are going through is exactly the same as my daughter in law and son with my exhusband. My four children adore their step-father but I would not expect them to do lots of things because they have young families and both my daughters are full-time working mums. When my son and daughter in law discussed it with me, I told them to stand back, get some quality time together. They have cancelled the last 2 years holidays because of the I come first situation. This time they are going on holiday and leaving Social Services, meals on wheels etc., to take over and the most annoying thing is my ex does not have dementia of any kind. I know that we put a great deal down to the illness but there is only so much that you can do. I do agree with previous thread, contact other family members. It is not your responsibility alone. Do take care of yourself and your partner. Best wishes. Christine
     
  5. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Dear Ajay

    I am so very sorry you are having such a hard time of it.

    I think for everyone's sake you need to adopt some tough love here. You are not only going to make yourself ill, then you wont be any use to your own family or your step father, secondly you and your partner cannot possibly continue to subsidise your step father financially.

    I also agree, I am sure these hurtful things he is saying about you is not meant for one minute, but it possibly gets him , as he sees it, sympathy and attention at the time.

    I think I would be inclined to tell your step father that you can no longer afford to pay for all his shopping etc., and he either refunds the money when you hand over the receipts, or better still, if its possible, take him to do the shopping and let him hand over the cash at the till.

    I would also explain that you and your partner need you to return to full time work, therefore you are quite happy to organise help in the home and garden for him, if he refuses, well, you have done your best. Keep in mind, what he refuses this week, might be a different story next week. As long as you are sure he is going to be safe, not having his clearing, washing, ironing and gardening done, he isn’t going to come to any harm in the short term. Meals on wheels are also a very good idea.

    If he starts to get aggressive and abusive towards you, I would tell him that if he cannot speak to you nicely, then you are going to leave, and do it. No point in making this sort of statement unless you carry it out. I had to do it on numerous occasions with mum. I promise you, I cried buckets, but gradually she began to understand that being nasty towards me wasn’t going to work any more.

    I also would certainly get the support of your family, the fact that he ‘prefers’ you is testament in itself that he doesn’t mean what he says about you, but are the ‘soft touch’ of the family!!

    Please keep in touch, and let us know how you are doing. Sometimes self preservation has to reign.

    Love
    Cate
     
  6. Sandy

    Sandy Registered User

    Mar 23, 2005
    6,847
    Dear AJay,

    Money can be a common cause of parnoia. Do you have an Enduring Power of Attorney (EPA) in place in case you need to officially take control of his finances:


    http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/After_diagnosis/Sorting_out_your_money/info_epa.htm

    Is he getting all the benefits to which he is entitled, such as Attendance Allowance:

    http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/After_diagnosis/Sorting_out_your_money/info_welfare.htm

    and getting council tax exemption:

    http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/After_diagnosis/Sorting_out_your_money/info_counciltax.htm

    Take care,

    Sandy
     
  7. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006
    715
    One of the first things affected by both AZ and VD is the inability to deal with money
    They cant understand Bank accounts and they amass large amounts of cash which of course they hide but also like to count

    THEY ARE VERY VULNERABLE doing this
    You must get an EPA and get it registered and take over finances
    Pay everyone and everything by direct debit
    On no account pay anything out of your own pocket otherwise just wait till the taxman grabs everything in IHT

    I have been there done that with my Mother

    She bad mouthed everyuone inc a brilliant Gardener
    I had plumbers etc phoning me telling me she was vulnerable with large wads of cash
    She had not paid bills and insurance etc
    faced court summonses

    The sad part is that there comes a point where you simply have to face they are unable to reason or be reasonable and you have to become the parent and lay down the rules
     
  8. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    558
    Stow-on-the-Wold
    Hi AJay

    Cate is right, some tough love is in order. You have every right to go back to full time work and not to put yourself and your partner under financial strain.

    You make no mention of social workers - is it not time to get them involved? Seek help wherever you can, you need to ease the burden on yourself. Apart from that I cannot improve on the advice you have been given by others.

    Dick
     
  9. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Dear Ajay, you have my every sympathy .... from someone who would work more hours to ease the financial burdens on my own family if it weren't for the fact my mother has become 'number one priority' in all our lives.... and juggling everyone's needs means keeping my 'paid' hours to the minimum ......

    Resentful? Begrudging? - Yes, often, if I am honest .... and I try to tell myself I am resentful of the disease that has dominated our lives in the last few years and not mum herself. But sometimes that trite' - 'It's the disease not the person' just doesn't wash when you see your own life and family slipping by and being dominated by someone so demanding of time and attention ..... (if just to attend to basic needs - let alone any emotional fulfillment).

    I love her to bits, in spite of everything she throws at me - and I think her becoming more 'difficult' (got used to zero appreciation but now have to deal with downright antagonistic!) ..... I am recognsiing I have other roles to fulfil and her needs simply cannot dominate 100%. Poor social worker got a 'right ear-bashing' last week - after I finally succumbed to 'stress' and ended up taking sick leave from work (with full backing of my boss, I have to say! I needed respite from SOME responsibility - but it shouldn't have been work and my colleagues that suffered :( )....... and got the message across that if they (SS) don't help out persuading her to go to Daycare or accepting help at home then *I* am going to go under ..... and they can't afford to lose a carer, can they?

    Sorry, very cynical mood this evening, :(

    Karen, x
     
  10. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Dear ajay,i could post a message to this that would perhaps upset many people.Therefore i won't.We all have time for convictions,but they are not always met by gratefullness.you do what you have to do.repercussions will inevitabley come,Hey ho!deal with them as they are portrayed and defend your corner.love elainex
     
  11. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #11 Margarita, Sep 24, 2007
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2007
    I also agree with that also when cate says tough love .

    I also use to think like that
    My mother was horrible to me till I left home and she was my real mother , so when she came out with all those pardoned actuation of taking her money use to make me so angry .

    If you could perceive and real believe it for what it is , the symptoms of the decease . It help you with standing your ground in asking for the money for all the shopping that you do for your father if he does not give you the money just don't do the shopping just say to him the truth you do not have the money . he may not see the logic in what your doing , but at lest you can .

    I also use to think that with my mother her mind reverted back to how it use to be when I live at home, it was like that for a long while before they told me mum had AZ given medication for late stage AZ , those symptoms of pardoned actuation seen to go away , she began to trust me like she did after I left home how will we got on after I left home .


    In Gibraltar before medication for AZ . my mother also took a likening to my friend more then I , would tell her all sort of thing about me that I never done .

    now I new it was not all true , and had only seen this kind of behaviour in my brother who also has a different mental illness that made him very parodied , so I thought she must have the same mental illness as my brother , then I would dough myself because my mother was not like this Or not so bad like this till my father died so then put it down to grief of my father passing away .

    until the controlling of me got so bad that we was arguing all the time , because she would not see reason or logic , why I was tried from working full time Job , then looking after her . then she started waking me up in the middle of the night , hiding food and money all over the place , then realize this was different in what I had seen in my brother . so took that step in getting her to the doctors ........
     
  12. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    123
    Leics
    Resentment

    Oh gosh, thanks to everybody who's replied, you've truly helped me to look at this situation in a different way, and coupled with a vets bill for £103 today, is convincing me that I have to face up to the situation and go and sort it out with Dad.

    I do have POA of Dad's affairs but have always felt that he needed some sort of input to keep his sense of independence, but it's that very POA that is making him think that I'm stealing his money as he's lost the ability to grasp what it means. All his bills are paid by direct debit but he also seems to equate that with me stealing from him. I had to take his bank card and savings account book off him as he was quite happy drawing every penny out of his accounts to count it all with the result that all his DD's bounced and many a stroppy letter about unpaid bills came through my door.

    Dad won't entertain any social services input due to a bad experience with them some years ago when Mom wasn't very well.

    But. I'm going to present him with the latest vets bill this week and also start telling him every time I go shopping that I'm going to transfer all his food and other costs that I've paid for out of his account into mine and give him all the receipts. You're right, there's going to be conflict whatever I do so I should make sure that I'm not too much out of pocket with this. My partner feels that I should keep to reduced hours just to keep my sanity with running round all over the place, he thinks that going back to full time hours would be too much.

    Wish me luck!

    AJay xx
     
  13. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    if you do do that , check out if you can claim carer allowance as I know that you can work part time and claim it , but you have to be earning under £90 .
     
  14. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Dear Ajay,having POA is a good thing,.You have control over finances,and care required.I have not come to this stage with my dad yet.but it is comforting to knoe that i have support throughout the stages of A/D,love elainex
     
  15. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Ajay

    Just one word of cautiion, as you have POA, by all means show your dad the receipts, but hang onto them yourself, keep all of them, this is your protection that you are 'keeping the books straight.

    Keep strong, and stick to your guns, good luck with the vets bill:)

    Love

    Cate
     
  16. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    123
    Leics
    Update

    Hi again

    Spoke to Dad today about his bills, he was in an incredibly good mood and we had a really nice afternoon together. By the end of the afternoon he'd completely forgotten what we'd spoken about and was totally confused when I tried to remind him as I left that I would transfer some money tonight to pay for the vets bill. I just said don't worry and left it be. I spoke to my friend again today and she said she thinks his resentment is because he doesn't see his bank statements any more so feels like he's lost control. I stopped passing him his statements some time ago because he said they confuse him too much and he didn't want to see them. Plus when he sees how much he has in his account he then wants to take it all out!

    Because he won't remember what we've talked about, however many times I go over it, in some ways I think I'm fighting a bit of a losing battle anyway, his aggression does start when he doesn't understand something, and he's never going to understand now the ins and outs of banking, or even that prices have risen substantially since 1940 (we had a very entertaining hour going over the value of things and earnings now in comparison to that time). My lastest way of thinking is to keep all the receipts for anything I pay for on his behalf, and just transfer that amount of money out of his account back into mine. I'll start to pass him his statement again every month, and if he asks about the transfers I can say oh yes that was for the vet, here's the receipt, or oh yes, that was for your food shopping, here's the receipts. If he then starts getting angry I could suggest to him that maybe he thinks about an alternative to the problem.

    What does everybody think? I want to keep it all as honest as I can but in some ways I can't get past the thought that if he doesn't understand what's happening then I am stealing from him, but he'll not understand why I'm doing it anyway!

    AJay
     
  17. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Ajay

    I am really pleased you had a good visit with dad. But as you say, it will all be forgotten in no time at all your explanation about finances. But we all come to treasure those visits when everything is fine.

    I think you are right to show him the bank statements, I would also write along side any amounts you have withdrawn what this was for. Be sure to keep a copy for yourself. This may help, or it may be a case of dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t. Take heart, most of us have walked a mile in your shoes, and some are still slogging their way up the mountain.

    Keep in touch, come and join us when ever you feel the need.

    Love

    Cate
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,584
    Kent
    Dear Ajay,

    You are not stealing, you are managing your father`s money because he can`t understand a bank statement.

    And I`m sorry, but if he`s anything like my husband, there will be no end to it.

    I won`t go into more details here as I`ve already recorded the problems I have with my husband and money on A Life in the Day..............., but he has found his control over his finances the most difficult thing to hand over, and I am his wife and our accounts have been in joint names all the 44 years of our married life.

    Do whatever is best to avoid conflict and keep your father`s money safe. Do give him his bank statements every month, the message might get home that he finds them difficult to understand, and make sure he always has cash on him.

    I think this is a very good way to manage the situation.

    I`m not too sure about this. he will probably suggest you stop interfering and let him manage his own money. I know this would be my husband`s solution.

    I have been having these conversations with my husband for the last 2 years, so I`m afraid they won`t stop. I usually end by saying how hurt I am that there`s no trust.

    As Cate has just said, I`ve walked a mile in your shoes and am definietly still slogging my way up the mountain.

    So when you feel like screaming come and off load here.

    Love xx
     
  19. AJay

    AJay Registered User

    Aug 21, 2007
    123
    Leics
    More worries

    Hi again

    Since my first post about this things have gone a little quieter but Dad is following me round and checking drawers and cupboards when I'm doing his housework to make sure I've not stolen anything. He's still convinced that my partner is stealing his tools though even though they're sitting in full view in his shed, and claims that my partner keeps turning up at his house with 2 of his friends and shouting at him when he's very definitely at work 50 miles away. Hey ho!

    My problem now is that Dad is starting to shout at his neighbour through the wall of his bungalow. He convinced himself some time ago that she's got a vendetta going against him, sending people round and ringing him in the middle of the night, and singing till 5am in the morning just to keep him awake. He's just told me that she was on the phone to somebody and telling them his name so he started to shout at her through the wall - he won't speak to her face to face.

    They had a run in when he first moved into his bungalow just over a year ago, the council for some strange reason have seen fit to place a healthy 57 year old in an elderly persons housing scheme so of course the first thing she did was complain about the noise of his TV and him getting up through the night opening and closing doors and windows. When I explained that he has dementia her retort was that he should be in a home so a distinct lack of understanding on that score. There's been an uneasy truce since then, I rectified most of her noise problems but of course Dad has remembered the episode - one of the very few things that he has remembered recently - so is blaming his hearing and seeing things on her as of course he doesn't know otherwise.

    His doc put him on Serenace recently which has calmed him down a little but is there anything at all that might stop him hearing and seeing things so that at least I won't have to resort to having to ask the council to rehouse him? His delusions about his neighbour are slowly getting worse and it's not an easy thing to tell somebody who already thinks he should be in a home that he now thinks she's got a vendetta going against him! As he seems to be hearing music and now voices more and more often I can see this getting out of hand.

    AJay
     

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