Sorry another quick query...

[Member65566]

uncle has gran at his home. I hold EPA (N.Ireland) although he lives in England. I gave her £200 cash to spend using previous visits as an estimation.

He’s now asking me to send a further £700 for clothes, hairdressing, flights etc.

I’ve asked for receipts prior to sending any money but should gran be paying his flights as well as her own? 6 in total as he flies here to collect, both back to England, both back here then he returns home. The reason I ask is other son lives in France and often visits at his own expense.

If it makes any difference she is in receipt of state pension plus attendance allowance. £900 is roughly her monthly income. He currently takes her 4-6 times per year, this is first time since EPA activated so I need to set a precedent. Thanks in advance for any advice, I’m so stressed out!!

 

[Beate]

I wouldn't send him another penny. His flights are his own problem, plus why does she need money for clothes and hairdressing? How long is your Mum staying? He's trying to fleece you. Just say no.

 

[nitram]

I anybody has not read all of previous thread
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/advice-on-financial-matters.107966/

My basic advice is 'put your foot down'

 

[Slugsta]

I am getting an error message when I click on Nitram's link?

 

[nitram]

I am getting an error message when I click on Nitram's link?

Sorry, edited to
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/advice-on-financial-matters.107966/

 

[Slugsta]

OK, let's try this link -

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/advice-on-financial-matters.107966/page-2

I think you are absolutely correct to insist on receipts before you hand over any money - and pay only what is for your grandmother (plus maybe a small gift for her host). She should not be buying meals for the family etc, even if she wants to. As she has now been deemed to have lost the capacity to make those decisions, it is up to you to ensure that her money is used exclusively for her benefit.

As for the flights, your uncle has clearly decided he wishes to do this and he is completely free to escort his mother both ways if he wishes. What he is not free to do is to 'charge' her for this.

I think you need to start as you mean to go on and keep a tight rein on finances from Day 1. That will mean that you are 'in the clear' if anyone wants to audit your grandmother's accounts.

 

[Slugsta]

Sorry Nitram, x post!

 

[Tin]

Agree with everything said so far. can almost guarantee some of that money is being pocketed. Stand firm, if he cannot afford the trips then let him cut back on them and there is no need for clothes, hairdressing etc., while with him, you cover all this when she is home.

 

[Member65566]

Thank you all. I am at my wits end in this situation. He’s since responded telling me it isn’t my place to regulate her money whilst at his home. All I need is his word that x amount of pounds were spent & I’ve to send it through to him to cover it.

He has told me that she had nothing at home bar the lowest care level available. That has hurt me a lot. I visit 4 times per week, she has carers 3 times per day to organise meds plus meals whilst I was able to set up through advice from Alzheimer’s Association. He has told me he wishes to purchase her apartment to free up her assets. I’m so sad for her. We don’t have health & care POA here, just Finance & Property. So I can’t stop him taking her permanently to England which is his end goal. I’ve involved our Adult Safeguarding Team previously as he refused to bring her home thus affecting her care package & attendance allowance.

I feel I need to meet his demands in order to have gran returned or the alternative is she isn’t “fit to travel”. Sorry I’m beside myself, thus mak is very difficult to reason with. Should I see my solicitor ASAP and/or Social Services? Thank you.

 

[Member65566]

*This man*

 

[Member65566]

OK, let's try this link -

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/advice-on-financial-matters.107966/page-2

I think you are absolutely correct to insist on receipts before you hand over any money - and pay only what is for your grandmother (plus maybe a small gift for her host). She should not be buying meals for the family etc, even if she wants to. As she has now been deemed to have lost the capacity to make those decisions, it is up to you to ensure that her money is used exclusively for her benefit.

As for the flights, your uncle has clearly decided he wishes to do this and he is completely free to escort his mother both ways if he wishes. What he is not free to do is to 'charge' her for this.

I think you need to start as you mean to go on and keep a tight rein on finances from Day 1. That will mean that you are 'in the clear' if anyone wants to audit your grandmother's accounts.

Thanks great advice, I will most definitely take it on board.

 

[Member65566]

I wouldn't send him another penny. His flights are his own problem, plus why does she need money for clothes and hairdressing? How long is your Mum staying? He's trying to fleece you. Just say no.

She’s there for just under 2 weeks. £200 has been the usual outlay but now he’s upped it to £900. Her sister has taken her 3 times in the previous 3 months to the hairdressers but she gets frustrated waiting so has left. He’s making out her basic needs are not being met at home. I’m deeply offended by his allegations, I do as much as I can with a young family as does the rest of the family.

 

[karaokePete]

Thank you all. I am at my wits end in this situation. He’s since responded telling me it isn’t my place to regulate her money whilst at his home. All I need is his word that x amount of pounds were spent & I’ve to send it through to him to cover it.

He has told me that she had nothing at home bar the lowest care level available. That has hurt me a lot. I visit 4 times per week, she has carers 3 times per day to organise meds plus meals whilst I was able to set up through advice from Alzheimer’s Association. He has told me he wishes to purchase her apartment to free up her assets. I’m so sad for her. We don’t have health & care POA here, just Finance & Property. So I can’t stop him taking her permanently to England which is his end goal. I’ve involved our Adult Safeguarding Team previously as he refused to bring her home thus affecting her care package & attendance allowance.

I feel I need to meet his demands in order to have gran returned or the alternative is she isn’t “fit to travel”. Sorry I’m beside myself, thus mak is very difficult to reason with. Should I see my solicitor ASAP and/or Social Services? Thank you.

post deleted

 

[Beate]

He is making unreasonable demands. Please do not give into his bullying. It is absolutely your place to manage her money whereever she happens to be. He can't buy her house without you selling it to him, so that's rubbish, plus if you don't give him any more money, he will return her for sure so call his bluff. Stand up for yourself and your mother.

 

[Tin]

Classic bullying, greed tactics. He cannot sell your grandmothers home, that is for you to do, he cannot bully his mother into signing any documentation re selling this property, again this is your responsibility. Do not enter into any agreements regarding this. He is scamming you, sorry harsh word, but he is and I suspect he is hatching a plan to get hold of the property with giving you a penny.

 

[Member65566]

Thank you, he is telling me I have refused him EPA. I have tried time & time again to tell him that it was his mother’s decision & not mine. Yes he is a bully through & through. Once I get my grandmother home I will be involving social services. I cannot deal with this 4-6 times per year, wondering if she’s coming home, my mental health is suffering greatly with this stress. But thank you for your responses, it’s nice to know I’m not completely wrong in refusing his financial demands.

 

[Tin]

I know how hard it is to stand up to a bully, horrible, gut churning, shakes, doubting yourself. and the hardest is trying to reason with them, which is impossible to do. Stay strong, get your grandmother back home, try if you can to cut back these visits.

 

[carolynp]

Thank you, he is telling me I have refused him EPA. I have tried time & time again to tell him that it was his mother’s decision & not mine. Yes he is a bully through & through. Once I get my grandmother home I will be involving social services. I cannot deal with this 4-6 times per year, wondering if she’s coming home, my mental health is suffering greatly with this stress. But thank you for your responses, it’s nice to know I’m not completely wrong in refusing his financial demands.

Dear Rubi, courtesy of @Nitram’s great thoughtfulness and attentiveness I’ve been able to go back to the previous posts on this awful issue and just want to send you my support.
I am new to site and to this problem of yours so please forgive me for adding my two pennorth! The crucial thing to me is that YOU are the one your Gran chose for the EPA. When you are in times of self doubt, inevitable as they are for us all as carers, do remind yourself of the faith she had in you. I know it is a hard load but you are handling it so responsibly and with such care for your Gran, you are demonstrating at every turn that she made the right decision!
Like an earlier poster, I believe this is a “Follow the money” situation. In the sense that, once you have exercised your legal authority and control in that regard, as you are in fact doing now, the demands for her to be the one to do these trips will cease as if by magic. So now you have put your foot down re the blank cheque ( so to speak) - this will turn out to be the crucial step to have taken. With the aid of social services, there may well be a more straightforward path ahead. That is, Gran can’t travel now, people come to her from now on. I’m just so glad the EPA has swung into effect and done what it is supposed to by stopping access to her bank card. Very best wishes. Carolyn.

 

[Member65566]

I know how hard it is to stand up to a bully, horrible, gut churning, shakes, doubting yourself. and the hardest is trying to reason with them, which is impossible to do. Stay strong, get your grandmother back home, try if you can to cut back these visits.

Thanks Tin, I’m not a confrontational person so it’s difficult. But I know I’ve to step up for gran so best bet I think is legal advice to keep me 100% right. As long as I get gran back home I’ll be happy as I know she will. It’s just the ‘what if’s’ that worry me. Appreciate the support, this forum has been a godsend to me.

 

[Member65566]

Dear Rubi, courtesy of @Nitram’s great thoughtfulness and attentiveness I’ve been able to go back to the previous posts on this awful issue and just want to send you my support.
I am new to site and to this problem of yours so please forgive me for adding my two pennorth! The crucial thing to me is that YOU are the one your Gran chose for the EPA. When you are in times of self doubt, inevitable as they are for us all as carers, do remind yourself of the faith she had in you. I know it is a hard load but you are handling it so responsibly and with such care for your Gran, you are demonstrating at every turn that she made the right decision!
Like an earlier poster, I believe this is a “Follow the money” situation. In the sense that, once you have exercised your legal authority and control in that regard, as you are in fact doing now, the demands for her to be the one to do these trips will cease as if by magic. So now you have put your foot down re the blank cheque ( so to speak) - this will turn out to be the crucial step to have taken. With the aid of social services, there may well be a more straightforward path ahead. That is, Gran can’t travel now, people come to her from now on. I’m just so glad the EPA has swung into effect and done what it is supposed to by stopping access to her bank card. Very best wishes. Carolyn.

Thanks Carolyn, it certainly been a tough year since he was denied a position of attorney through grans own wishes (which is blamed entirely on me of course). It is hard for me given I’m solely dealing with her financial affairs but with the added problems of a difficult family member sometimes makes me wonder why I offered to do it. But then I think of the alternative and what would have become of gran had I not and I am glad she chose me to support her. It’s a difficult path but if I can stand up to this man, even through solicitors, then I have protected my grans wishes. I just wish I could chat to her about it but obviously I can’t given her illness and lack of comprehension so it’s hard sometimes knowing you’re doing the right thing. Thank you so much for your kind words of support, I hope you find this forum as invaluable as I have for advice & support on your journey x