For Kate
Dear Kate,
Wow! I bet you never expected such a barrage in response to your perfectly reasonable post!
I am 55. My Mum is in care. This is my story. I'm sure some would feel I have "failed" in my duty but I know most TPers are very tolerant of the individual nature of this disease and of the way in which each Carer copes.
When my Mum and Dad were forced to leave their country of origin in the early 80s, they came to live with me and my 2 children. They were a wonderful help to me (and I hope I was to them - I was the only one working). However even then (my parents were in their early 60s) we all experienced tensions - my parents had a traumatic time adapting to a new culture (fortunately not a new language) and to being out of work. (They had both been farmers all their lives.)
For me and my children (aged 7 and 8 when M&D first came to live with us) there were many challenges as to whose rules were to be obeyed, etc. My parents sent me and my siblings to boarding school so they were not used to caring for children. They came from a country where they had servants so my mother found housework demeaning and child care a huge challenge. As the only income in the family, I HAD to keep working. This situation continued for nearly 4 years.
Why do I tell you this LONG story!!?? Because I feel NO ONE has the right to judge without knowing the original circumstances of each situation.
My Mum wanted to keep living with me. I was engaged to be (re-)married and I did not think I could possibly expect my new husband to take on 2 step children AND his in-laws!! Fortunately my Dad agreed and other arrangements fell into place which allowed them to have 20 years in a cottage on their own in peaceful retirement. (And my "new" husband and I are celebrating our anniversary today!!)
As my parents grew older I firmly informed them I was not going to have them live with me again. I made it clear that this was not BECAUSE of them, simply that circumstances could not permit it. Yes, I felt very guilty. Yes, I thought I was a "bad daughter" - but NO, I have never regretted my decision!
When the time came, my parents fortunately made their own decision to move into care together (Mum had early dementia and Dad was severely disabled). Fifteen months later Dad died, so now it is just Mum in care.
My sisters and I care and support her in every way. We make every effort to meet her needs and provide her with the love and company she needs and wants.
But we could NOT care for her at ANY of our homes. Mum is physically frail - all of us live in homes with stairs. Mum needs 24 hour care - one sister and I work (albeit part time in my case) and the other sister spends part of her life here in Australia and part overseas where her husband is based.
My daughter is older than you but I would say to her, DO NOT ever think about having me to live with you!! If a parent needs care, it is wonderful if the family provide all the loving, caring and supporting - but I believe NO ONE should be
expected to care for their parent 24/7.
I know many people on TP do, and many are happy to do so. I am in awe of them and have HUGE admiration for them. I know that I couldn't do it. For those who can, and who want to, it is a wonderful and special thing to do.
However I am no less of a loving daughter and caring person because I cannot do it.
Only you can decide how to handle the situation with your Dad. Obviously you are already giving him a great deal of help. This is wonderful of you. I suspect your Dad would have had a very different outlook on "responsibilities" if HE had been expected to care full time for a parent with dementia when aged 29!!
Please remember that loving and caring is NOT dependent on whether you are prepared to care for your Mum 24/7 when the time comes. It is up to each one of us to decide what we can do and what we want to do. Of course there is guilt, and pain, and confusion - love brings all these things sadly. But the sort of self sacrifice that caring 24/7 brings (especially when it impacts on others such as your partner and children) is NOT (IMHO) something that love requires of us.
I hope you can find a solution that meets
your needs and is loving and supportive of your parents. I'm sure you will! We at TP are a diverse bunch but we can be relied on to give you food for thought
and (hopefully!) support!!