1. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Can I just ask for those whose spouses/relatives etc are in care homes, at what point this happened?

    My dad is adamant that he will never allow my mum to go to a home as she won't like it and the implication is that it's our responsibility to look after her - an impossible task given that both my sister and myself have two year olds and have not finished our families yet - I'm only 29! (I'm sure you can imagine the bad daughter guilt we're having there!).

    They do have some money so it would be possible to pay for carers - is it feasible or does it reach a point were professional care is necessary?
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,664
    Kent
    Hi Kate,

    My husband is still at home with me, so I can`t really give you an answer.

    I can say I understand your dad wanting to keep your mum at home. I can`t see my husband in a home either.

    What I would criticise your dad for, and I`m sorry if it causes offence, is his expectation that you take over the caring when it becomes too much for him.

    I certainly wouldn`t expect this from our son.

    That your mother `wouldn`t like` to live in a NH, I think applies to everyone. Who would choose it, if there was an alternative.

    I know the time will come when I will find it impossible to care for my husband at home, even though I hope it is a long way away. By then, I hope he will not be aware where he is, and that will make it much easier for me.

    Take care

    Love xx
     
  3. gerrie ley

    gerrie ley Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    83
    bradford yorkshire
    Cant Believe

    I am in complete agreement with your dad you and your sister have been born and bread with your parents how on earth can you reject them dont look to me or I hope anyone else on this forum.Just think there wouldnt be a two year old daughter if it wasnt for them.Dont you have any feeling for your poor old dad who is suffering beyond belief as many of us are. You and your sister will be there with your hands out at the end you disgust me
     
  4. JMW

    JMW Registered User

    Jun 14, 2007
    19
    Hi Kate,

    It was a while before my mum went into a care home, we were very lucky and had a good care package at home which meant she could stay there longer. During that time my husband and i were moving and we contemplated moving in with her and looking after her. After a very long discussion and a lot of thought we decided against this and that was when the care package started. As things progressed we realised the enormous strain that this would have put on us and although that sounds awful i think she would have gone into a home sooner as she did get on with the carers sometimes better than she would have done us. I really don't blame you and agree with Sylvia that it is not your or your sister's responsibility to look after your mum. As things progress she will be better cared for in a home and again this is another chapter that you have to deal with. Yes i remember very clearly that feeling of "guilt" it can be such a terrible thing but as you say you have your own family and you have to put them first. I know this isn't everybody's view but from my own personal experience she could not be in a better place.

    Thinking of you

    JMW
     
  5. katherine

    katherine Registered User

    Sep 5, 2006
    57
    hello there
    my mum was at a crisis point not long ago and we thought about a home but she had said when she was more sane that she wouldn't want to go into a home. I am in a similar position to you. I have a two year old and a nine month old and i know that i wouldn't be able to care for my mum myself completely. I think that the person who wrote that very cutting post to you was very wrong in what he or she said. It's really hard trying to juggle two such huge things in your life - the care of your children and your parent.
    Anyway - we have fought very hard to get mum cared for at home and we have just heard that we will get 24/7 care from the social services through direct payments. It will be a lot of work as we basically have to find and hire carers ourselves and do accounts and eveything but we will get a lot of support. And it's worth it as we know mum will get the care she would have wanted.
    If your mum and dad have money they would have to contribute towards this and it's not a given that you can get it but if you fight hard enough you can get huge amounts of help.
    Again - this is a difficult time with a lot of conflicting priorities and you need support. But it is there....
    Kate
     
  6. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Thanks for the constructive advice Sylvia, JMW and Katherine.

    To Gerrie I would point out that my father is not suffering as much as you might think because up until three months ago he has refused to accept that there is anything wrong with my mother despite us and our GP advising him otherwise for four years. He still goes to work, plays golf and lets her drive around in a car contrary to all advice given to him.

    I look after my mother on the days that I don't work while I look after my daughter who has health problems of her own.

    I suggest you reserve such a barrage of judgement for when you have full facts.
     
  7. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,417
    #7 jenniferpa, Jul 6, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2007
    Kate: I'm a mother and a daughter and I'm absolutely with Sylvia et al on this. It is unreasonable of your father to expect you and your sister to care for your mother at the expense of your own young families. I have already told my now adult children that the my only requirement should I get to this point is that they should ensure I'm well taken care of, NOT that they should do it themselves. I CHOSE to bring them into this world, so if there is any responsibility it is mine, not theirs.

    Best wishes

    Jennifer
     
  8. JMW

    JMW Registered User

    Jun 14, 2007
    19
    I read Gerrie Ley's post and am absolutely amazed that someone could post such a point. This is not very helpful and i hope Kate that you do not take it to heart as i think this is most definitely in the minority from all of the posts i have read.

    People should not have children just to care for them in their older years and if they do then this is a wrong reason to have them.

    If you feel Gerrie that you can cope with looking after someone with this terrible disease until the end then good luck to you.

    JMW
     
  9. annesharlie

    annesharlie Registered User

    Kate
    My heart goes to you - it is such a difficult time and I know you are a caring and wonderful daughter and are doing your very very best. Your posting on this site and the language you use tell me this. There are a lot of people in your life who need your care and I do hope you can manage to get a little time for yourself to have a break.

    Regarding Gerrie's post - a careful reading suggests to me that he's a dementia sufferer himself - early, if he's able to post on line - "your poor old dad who is suffering beyond belief as many of us are" Clearly there is a huge amount of pain and anger in his life - this throws a different light on his cutting words and I suggest you disregard the post.
    Don't let a small thing like this cause any more upset to your life, you have enough to cope with.
     
  10. gerrie ley

    gerrie ley Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    83
    bradford yorkshire
    kate

    I am alarmed at the responce given to my thread where has honour your father and mother gone.No I am not suffering from early dementiaRead the initial post there is no mention of love.We are older people and both me and my wife have expressed that we should have done more for our parents no they didnt have alzheimers its the little things in life its the getting hold of the father saying dad we love you how can we help We have brought up kids our first was a great problem and had to have an operation at three weeks old so dont talk to me about chidren we have had them but we still honoured our parents and this is what it is all about help help help for goodness sake before its too late
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,664
    Kent
    Ladies and Gentlemen, friends, members, can we please calm down.

    We are all under extreme stress. The role of caring is one of the most demanding roles possible. It is emotional and physically draining.

    We all come from different backgrounds, upbringings, cultures. We have different views. We meet here, with one dreadful common bond.

    It is not beneficial to anyone to throw stones, to sit in judgement, to be critical.

    Can we please discuss the responsibilities of caring like the mature adults we hope we are.
     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Kate,

    I have to agree with Sylvia here. I care for my husband at home, and hope to continue for as long as possible. But I have to recognise that a time may come when this is no longer possible, either because he needs full-time nursing care, or because I am no longer physically able to continue.

    In those circumstances I would certainly not expect our family to take over. Young people have their own families to consider, jobs, financial resources, and juggling all these with the stress of caring for a dementia sufferer is not something I would want my family to undertake.

    Gerrie, I would defend your right to your opinion, but not the way you addressed Kate. We are here to help and support each other, personal abuse is unnecessary and unwelcome..
     
  13. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Sylvia is absolutely correct.

    This thread needs little more moderation than the words she has posted and anyway, it has self-moderated.

    If everyone who posts on TP listed the entire details of their life each time they posted, it would fill in the bits that others may not take into account when replying. It would make for very long posts. :eek:

    It would still not permit others to sit in judgement because there is always more to consider.

    Best for everyone not to read anything into what others post or say unless the context is quite explicit. As Hazel has said, any verbal abuse against another member is never justifiable, no matter how strongly a member feels.

    Kate, you have been inferring things too
    .... I'd be guessing that you are thinking that, in the best of worlds, you would want to be doing the caring and you may feel that others are laying that obligation on you in a world that is not the best. Therefore the feelings of guilt because in reality, you can't, and no-one should judge you on that.

    I'd therefore be waiting until your Dad actually says explicitly what you infer.

    He may just be desperate at the prospect of a care home, and simply be saying things. People often do, maybe in the hope that someone will be able to leap forward and take the weight away. But life isn't like that, especially when dementia caring is concerned. Nor should it be. Dementia care is a huge responsibility and challenge.
     
  14. gerrie ley

    gerrie ley Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    83
    bradford yorkshire
    To Kate

    Hi Kate I am sorry if I have been offensive XXX But I feel very strongly about this dreadful disease I am 74 and never in all my life had to cope with anything as dreadful as this and I have seen action in the army. My wife was diagnosed four years ago with alzheimers her driving licence was taken away immediatly and rightly so she could reverse better than I could drive forward just believe me you must get your mother sorted out now she is a danger to other people you may not think this but take her out and see how she responds to an emergency stop As far as your dad playing golf and driving why shouldnt he if your mother is aloud to drive.He will soon come down to earth if he loves your mum like I did my wife.

    Please please help them you are only at the start dreadful things will happen like messing her pants being dirty in general being obstructive in any thing you or any one else does not knowing friends and relations and complete change of life she could start humming all the time which sends you crackers This is only my start I know there is more terrible things to follow.I ask you to support your dad in the future maybe not now but in any case it is too early to talk about care.I hope you will find time for your mum evan though you have a family to look after we had to do we brought up difficult children but we did try to have time for our parents but we have said since we could have done more Please dont follow our footsteps your parents are precious in your later years when they have gone
     
  15. jackie1

    jackie1 Registered User

    Jun 6, 2007
    238
    Cheshire
    Hi Kate,
    I care for my husband and care for our two boys (9 & 7) it is very difficult and I accept that there will come a time when I wont be able to cope. I just hope that is along way off. But I know when I reach that stage I will feel dreadful guilt and will always wonder if I could have done more. Although I think that goes with the territory. So please don't beat yourself up over this. Maybe your dad just hopes that you will continue to support him and your mum as long as you and your sister can.

    Can I just pick up on one thing though, and I really don't mean any offence or to upset you. For a number of years there were signs with John that all was not well, I managed to find excuses for all of them. But even with that, both our relationship and me personally suffered. So I'm sure this had an impact on your dad.

    When you do accept that there is a problem whether it be through diagnosis or simply accepting facts. It is an awful time (as I'm sure you're aware and going through it yourself) You grieve both for your partner and for the future you have both lost. In my case I also grieve for my children and what they have lost - They have adjusted really well and love their dad to bits making allowances for what he can't do and finding things that he can enjoy.

    Do keep posting on here, I think you will find it very useful.

    Jackie
    xx
     
  16. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Thank you all so much for your replies and support and thank you Gerrie for the apology. I'm sorry I seem to have stirred up such a hornets nest but everyone is emotional and I guess these things happen - let's face it, how can you not be emotional when someone you love is disappearing in front of your eyes.

    I won't divulge anymore about my personal circumstances as I feel like I'm starting to become defensive but I would like to ask those of you with young children how you manage?

    It isn't so much time that I have trouble with (I'm a civil servant - according to some I never work at all!;) ) but I find that my mum - through no deliberate intention - is quite a high risk with our kids - so far she's given them scissors and knives and hot cups of tea - and as they're only two they don't know not to take them.

    I try to take her out rather than us all be cooped up in the house but I worry about her wandering off as she has started to do.
     
  17. MillyP

    MillyP Registered User

    Jan 5, 2007
    108
    London
    #17 MillyP, Jul 6, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2007
    Not being funny but do you not think that this is very worrying...especially as alot of insurance companies will not insure people that have Alzheimers/Demetia etc....what if she was to have an accident and kill someone...the insurance company would void the policy...it's far too risky for her to be driving..please at least, encourage her to give up her licence or ask her Doctor to intervene and have him talk to the DVLC...before it's too late;) My Mum was the same with my Dad...she use to say he was ok driving if she was next to him:eek: ..I told her for ages before he was properly diagnosed that he shouldn't be driving, but she always poo pooed me and changed the subject:( ...it was me in the end that got him off the road..I had a word with his Doctor and the Doctor in turn said he must hand in his licence...what a relief it was...:rolleyes:
     
  18. gerrie ley

    gerrie ley Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    83
    bradford yorkshire
    jmw jeniferpa kate

    Hi Ihope friends perhaps I am too old for you but JMW I will look after my wife until I or she will die will you look after your spouse.

    Jeniferpa Yes without any question whatsoever I expect support from my sons after all she is their mother and they cant just write her off not look after her totaly I do that and will do to the end without fail I promise my love for my wife is eternal

    Kate Once again I am sorry very sorry as I know how you feel I was out of order I didnt know the facts but you must agree you didnt say my last posting says it all

    To all of you I have made my point please dont be offended but thats how I feel
     
  19. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Further to Milly's post, does your father know that it is a legal requirement to notify DVLA of any condition that may affect driving? There is a hefty fine, it used to be £1000, in addition to invalidating insurance.

    That might spur him on to take action.
     
  20. janetruth

    janetruth Registered User

    Mar 20, 2007
    563
    nuneaton
    Hi Kate

    Your Dad sounds a little bit selfish to me, or maybe that's how ypu see him and have written your posts, that read, that way.

    You and your sister can still give him all the support you can manage, but surely he would not expect you to sacrifice your young lives and those of your children.

    Your Mum ( I'm assuming they are married ) is your Dads responsibility and if he loves her, he wont need to be told what he should be doing.

    Love is a powerful medicine, when it comes to coping with this terrible ILLNESS.

    I wish you all well.
    Janetruth x
     

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