1. langtry

    langtry Registered User

    Feb 23, 2009

    Totally new to this forum and very much unsure just how to begin,so perhaps a brief introduction to start?
    I am 78 years of age and am looking after my wife who has been diognosed as having part dementia and part alzheimers,so right at the start I am confused. M,y wife will not accept that she has dementia so the subject is not mentioned in her presence,the one time it was spoken of she became very angry and agitated and this lasted a couple of days.
    I am feeling right now absolutely shattered,(run ragged might cover it?) I have a lot of help from my three daughters who live close by and a sitter comes in three times a week so that I can get out for a while. I t is not easy writing this,because my wife is in the habit of wandering all over the house and I would not like her to see what I am up to at this moment in time,later might be different,who knows?
    I have great difficulty in keeping my patience,but try hard most of the time,if I lose it I only feel guilty,so try to remain calm.
    My wife is a smoker and also diabetic,and my day from rising in the morning seems to be nothing but lighting cigarettes,making tea and looking after the extensive medications.
    I guess I should have trained to be a nurse years ago?
    I think perhaps that for something as cruel as dementia hgappening at my time of life is the cause of the despair and hardship I sometimes feel?
    I had only planned in my mind to write a few words and here am I rabbiting on as if there is no tomorrow,so best to end for now,but will be back to the forum as often as I am able.

    Regards to all fellow carers.
  2. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Hello Langtry,

    Welcome to Talking Point.

    Do you have a Alzheimer's Branch near you? They are brilliant with support and help.

    Many people diagnoised with Alzheimer's/Dementia will not accept it. That is understandable because they are frightened with what they are feeling.

    Have you any help from Social Services at all?

    Getting it off your chest is the first step and you will find Talking Point a great source of comfort and support.

    If you have a down day and they are horrible as so many of us know and understand.

    So keep on posting and you will find a host of virtual friends to support you.

    More people will come on line but remember Talking Point is here 24/7.

    Best wishes
  3. kazlou

    kazlou Registered User

    Feb 3, 2006

    Welcome to talking point.
    I notice you are in the Portsmouth area and there is a branch of the Alzheimer's Society there.
    They might be able to offer you support as a carer and sometimes they have day care facilities.
    Their telephone no is 023 92376410.

  4. florida mel

    florida mel Registered User

    Jul 21, 2008
    Manchester ENGLAND
    Well done for writing and taking the big step to join the forum. You are amongst friends :)

    I'm probably not the best person to offer advice but I know the run ragged feeling oh so well. I have been sole carer for my Nan for just over a year with no break 7 days a week and it is so hard.

    It is ok to run out of patience, don't beat yourself up about that. You need proffesional help, support and advice. You and your children are doing a great job but can't do it all.

    Good luck with everything and I hope you get some great advice from some other carers on Talking Point :)
  5. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Hello Langtry:

    Most of us carers know the 'run ragged' feeling. Pleased you found TP and able to let off steam. We all understand totally.

    I hope you are getting support from your local Mental Health Team - have you a CPN? If not do you get support from Social Services? Some areas seem much better served than others. Here in North Derbyshire there is virtually no help at all but across the county border others get much more support.

    I also suggest you contact your local Alz. Society Branch - you will get positive suggestions and you may feel better for it. Others will mention Crossroads, Admiral Nurses and Help the Aged - if they are in your area they will suppport you.

    Keep posting and airing any thoughts you have.

    Love Jan
  6. Molly13

    Molly13 Registered User

    Feb 22, 2009
    Hi, Welcome to Talking Point.
    I only joined yesterday and already I've gained helpful advice from other people. I know the feeling -run ragged- and I do feel for you. You are lucky to have 3 supportive daughters who live close by. Could one of them sit for you for half an hour so you can read or offload to Talking Point?
    Also try your local Alzheimers Society branch or Mental Health Nurse for help & advice. They are a wealth of information.
    Keep going & good luck!
  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi Langtry, welcome to TP.:)

    There are quite a lot of us caring for spouses, so we do understand the feeling of being 'run ragged'. My husband John is now in an EMI unit, and I miss him terribly.

    Please come back and talk to us whenever you get chance, TP is a lifeline!

    All the best,
  8. stardust

    stardust Registered User

    Feb 17, 2009
    north west

    :)you rabbit on for as long as you want that's what we do
  9. Gabriella

    Gabriella Registered User

    Jan 21, 2009
    Welcome Langtry,
    Hope you manage to find time to come to Talking point - sharing and getting things off your mind and chest can help alot.
    Many people on here can help to give you guidance and support.
    With love, Gabriella x
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Langtry

    I wouldn`t worry too much about your wife reading what you write on the computer.

    My husband still has good reading skills but never seems to understand anything I write to post on TP. He is totally disinterested.
  11. ChrisH

    ChrisH Registered User

    Apr 16, 2008
    Devon, England
    Welcome Langtry

    I've got more rabbit than a warren full of the little critters as the poor folks on this forum know from the length of my posts.:D:D So you rabbit away. We could always have a competition.:D

    Seriously though, you'll find lots of help and support here as you're amongst people who have been there, done that, and got more T-shirts than Primark.

    Grab all the help and support you can find and don't take no for an answer seems to be the order of the day.

  12. Bookworm

    Bookworm Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    Co. Derry
    Love this post!

    Thanks for this Chris - wins my "post of the week" award for making me laugh - so true too!!
    I can really say this is where I'm just coming out of (I hope) - I haven't always liked or recognised myself for some time. I think I thought I could fight it, work with it, rescue some ability, rationalise it, discuss it, make it different & I think at the moment - it isn't that I've given up - just I see I can't fight it - I'd have more success with some monster from Dr Who........so I'm becoming a little more calm - I don't know if PH is happier for this - maybe if he sees me wrestle with him less he might think I care less - not true of course. So anyway - I'm "letting be" more and less likely to challenge the inconsistency between his best abilities (doing Telegraph crossword) and the other messy things - that used to happen once a day and now happen more than once an hour....like chipping the plates, like not drinking much all day, like eating 3 days worth of snacks in 1/2 day, like pausing for nearly 2 minutes before answering.....the list could go on.

    Yes - I do believe I'm letting go a little more - sadly but more peacably :(
  13. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    Dear Langtry, as many have said, welcome, and post what you want to post. Anything that helps you.

    Sadly, I am a smoker, so you lighting the fags is probably a kind thing to do if your wife is not about to give up smoking. Just run with it for the time being.

    At age 78, it is not something you expected to have to cope with, but life chucks things at you, and you have no choice really. But accept every help that is offered to you.

    My dad died at 79, of cancer, but I do know that if that had not been his fate, he would have been looking after my mum as you are doing. I did it for him. I have no siblings and didn't have a good relationship with mum. But I did it. That is no comparison to yuu, just me making myself feel okay.

    Your daughters might want to come on here too. Give them the contact details.

    Good luck to you and keep us posted on how things are for you.

  14. langtry

    langtry Registered User

    Feb 23, 2009
    Here we go again

    Thank you all so much for your words of comfort and support.
    I should have mentioned in my first post,that I have four daughters and a son.
    My son I see little of,he just does not grasp what is going on in my house,he seems not to care but perhaps he does and will not give vent to any feelings he may have on the matter.
    My fourth daughter lives in Australia and feel terribly out of it all being so far away,but she is coming over for a few weeks at the end of this month to help out etc.
    I do get a lot of help really,but I think that by the time a sitter arrives or my daughters working shifts,I feel far too tired to go out anywhere,and if I remain at home my wife latches on to me again so little rest.
    Social have been to see me and are offering help in the form of extra bathroom facilities to make my bathing my wife so much easier for me.
    They also told me I was looking tired and should have time away as soon as possible,the thinking being that if I am ill myself everything could go haywire,so I am arranginging a few days away in Devon staying with a good friend of many years,looking forward to that.
    Will get back as soon as possible when situation allows.
    I actually live about ten miles outside Portsmouth,and drive little these days,much prefer my electric bike when weather permits.

    Talk again soon,things a bit hectic at the moment.

  15. susiesue

    susiesue Registered User

    Mar 15, 2007

    Hi Langtry

    Welcome to TP - I have found it a life saver - at least you know people on here totally understand what you are going through, whereas people on the 'outside' have absolutely no idea!

    I have a son like yours, I'm afraid (I also have a very caring son, thank goodness!). I don't know if they don't care or don't know how to deal with it - either way it is extremely hurtful as I am sure you know. My son has now cut himself off from us completely which just adds to the upset.

    Thank goodness you have daughters to support you.

  16. Scottie45

    Scottie45 Registered User

    Jan 25, 2009
    Hi Langtry

    Welcome to TP as others have said before me rabbit away as much as you like.Sorry to hear about the sitution with your son i hope he will be able to come to terms with your sitution sometime soon.I am sure you are looking forward to your daughter coming home,does she know how bad things are with her mum.Well you take care and look after your self to,i know its hard.Marian
  17. langtry

    langtry Registered User

    Feb 23, 2009

    I have been darting from one page to another,made a posting,cannot recall on which page,is there a simple way of getting back quickly to previous postings?after this foolish error I am now wondering who is ill in this household.

  18. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Hello Langtry:

    There may be other ways but I would click onto my own name and then click on 'view all posts'. That should help you to track down where you have posted earlier.

    Hope this works.
    Love Jan
  19. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    East Midlands

    I'm latching on to certain aspects of your post...
    We do have sitters on a regular basis..but oh...how well I understand what you are saying here...because the days I spend with my husband are making sure he has enough cigarettes(I roll them now as they go out if he falls asleep.."real" ones continue to burn...:eek:)

    I make him coffee and try to find him something to watch on TV..and feed him...that's it! My husband is 72.

    Don't worry about the computer skills...you'll pick it up as you go along..someone will always help.

    It's good to hear that you'll have some respite...and please make the most of it...and keep posting....

    We'll look forward to hearing from you...:)

    love gigi xx
  20. langtry

    langtry Registered User

    Feb 23, 2009
    #20 langtry, Feb 26, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2009
    On my own

    To-day,as from 11am this morning I am alone in the house(correction, Bungalow) My daughter who is such a tremendous support to me has taken my wife,(Molly who is 76)to her home for the day and will bring her back to-morrow about 10am,this really is the highlight of my week,(I know that perhaps I should not say things like that?)but the relief is quite magical,I usually heave a great sigh of relief and wonder what I can do with my free time,and then realisation---I am too tired to very much at all,so during the afternoon catch up on a little sleep and then generally just loaf about making the odd cup of tea or a bite to eat,and strange as it may seem,I miss Molly,is that nutty or what?because I know that once she returns I shall be running around like a scalded cat doing her bidding and gritting my teeth just a bit,(its a wonder there are any teeth left)
    In one of my earlier postings I did mention that Molly and I have been married for fifty five years,and six years of courting
    (going out together)previously makes that sixty one years,where on earth has all that time gone?
    In hindsite,my girls and I,agree that this problem we are currently tackling started about a year or more ago,but it is really the past four/five months that things seem to have accelerated. Her Consultant trickcyclist(easier to spell) prescribed new medication (tablets) and a patch to be place on her shoulder each day,and I understand this is to induce some calmness as apposed to the restlessness and agitation she so often displays.
    In the main a bit quieter,but then there are good days and bad days,thats life isn't it?
    Darkness is now upon us,and I have the odd secret thought or two,(wont be a secret if I divulge it here?) but to hell who cares about secrets? When I am alone I feel a litte scared because in the quietness of being alone for a while I fear what it might be like as things get worse and maybe I shall be on my own always,scary thoughts?
    But lets not be negative? think positive I am always being told,fat lot of good that has been.
    Here I go rabbiting again best stop and rethink about future postings? Final word for now, without my four girls (daughters) OH and must not forget my lovely grand daughters all who help whenever possible,so to them al I say LOVE YOU TO BITS (What times tea? and are there any biccies?)


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