1. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Dear Michael, I appreciate (from my first days on TP) how you have shared your experiences - good, bad and ugly (recall you even started a thread with that name) - and your wisdom and views, often seemingly, far more in support of others than for yourself .....

    I confess you have always been one of those people whose posts I 'look out for' and read with keen interest so I am 'so sad' myself that you find yourself in the position you are now ....

    It may seem nothing but cathartic to you, but it also torch-bearing to others ..... thank you once again for that sharing. So many of us are yet to share the pain you feel now .... but hope in some way we can help if it is just to express our appreciation, concern, respect and best wishes to both you and Monique,

    Much love, Karen (TF), x
     
  2. j.j

    j.j Registered User

    Jan 8, 2007
    91
    michael your post brought me to tears, to have the responsibility and make life changing decisions about our loved ones is just awful, my mum also recently went into a home and exactly as you describe with monique my mam looks gaunt, she seems to have gone downhill so fast and i can,t help but wonder would she be as bad if i,d done things differently, we have been liberated from the hands on care but the emotional care is very hard to deal with, i think we have to take the advice of many and not to waste negative feelings on what we have done but try and get the most out what we have at the moment, kind regards j.j
     
  3. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Michael
    so sad to read your post.
    We have shared our problems over a long period now.
    I have PMd you
    Norman
     
  4. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Dear Michael
    My heart really goes out to you......It's a terrible decision for you to have had to make .
    Ther was no other way for you .
    Thinking of you
    Love xx
     
  5. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear Michael
    Life throws us some real hard knocks at times.I placed mum in a care home last May, that feeling, when I walked away and left her there will be etched in my mind for ever. A part of me died that day, but, unlike you I had a hubby to go home to. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. I don't feel guilty, as I know, I have nothing to feel guilty about. There comes a time with this miserable disease, that we, as carers have to make a choice and that choice is based on the welfare of the person we are caring for. I guess the only console, is that they are well cared for.Sorry that you have to go through this sadness and loss. Best Wishes. Taffy.
     
  6. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Dear Michael

    Sharing your journey has over the months given me strength, and I always have enjoyed your humour, for which, thank you.

    I feel I have walked a mile in your shoes, as so many of us have. I try to look on mum's moving to the NH as another phase in this dreadful illness, but on one level a positive one. I can now sleep at night knowing that she is checked on every 15 minutes throughout the night by trained staff who have the ability to act quickly should the need arise.

    That guilt monster, next time he appears, give him a good biff on the nose, you have so done the right thing moving your dear girl to where her needs now require.

    Be strong, not going to be easy, your life for so long has revolved around putting someone elses needs first, time to put yourself first now.

    Take very good care of yourself, and please keep posting, I would really miss you if you were not around.

    Love

    Cate
     
  7. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    Just to say thank you to all of you who posted in this thread... Strange but it really helps... I am grateful... We all end up where I am eventually and then there will be the final moments which everybody in the world ends up with and then you just get on with it.

    Its a very nice family this 'Talking Point' group and I would never have got through last few years without it. so much help and information and others who are in even more difficult situations than yourself.... I was laying in bed last night after a little too much quite good wine wondering how a group of cyberfriends - people I have never met could be so understanding - of course it's because everybody on this forum is going down exactly the same road - Every case of AD is different but actually it's all the same... And there is always somebody on the forum of which you think - thank goodness that's not me - I could never cope and that puts ones own problems into proportion.

    God - Darwin gave me my relatives - thank goodness I can choose my own friends..........

    Michael
     
  8. pattosnr

    pattosnr Registered User

    Jul 17, 2007
    2
    Leeds
    In the same boat

    I want to thank you for sharing this terible situation with everyone, my father is about to come out of hospital and he will have to be put in an home. It's so hard to even imagin. Just knowing that so many people go through this helps.
    Thanks and the best of luck
    Patto
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,111
    Kent
    Welcome to TP, Patto.

    I hope you manage to find a good home for your father. It will still be an ordeal for you, but made so much better if you feel trust and confidence.

    Keep posting. You will receive a lot of support from understanding people.
     
  10. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Michael

    I've just caught up with your post, and it makes me so sad. You say you have been reading my How Long? thread, so you know that I'm feeling pretty emotional too just now.

    It's a terrible decision to make, and one that I may now be making earlier than I expected.

    I won't say don't feel guilty, because that's a feeling that's inseparable from caring. We all feel we should do more. But we're all human, and fallible, and you've cared for Monique for so long. You know it's time!

    And even now you ahve done your best for her, searching France for the best possible place. You know she'll be safe and cared for.

    Take care of yourself now Michael, and enjoy your time with Monique, for however long that may be.

    Love,
     
  11. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Michael

    ... What everyone else has said, and meant.

    I hope the relatives aren't giving you too much of a hard time - funny how they come out of the woodwork sometimes, but not till AFTER all the hard stuff has been done.

    I hope you feel you can keep us posted in a month or two, when Monique will probably have "acclimatised" to her new home. She may not be much of the Monique you knew, but that lovely vibrant woman has been absent for some time now, leaving you living with an imposter. You HAVE done the only thing which could have been done, I'm sure of it.

    Now get out on that boat. :cool:

    Love & Hugs
     
  12. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    787
    Buckinghamshire
    Monique

    Dear Michael,
    I am so sad to read your post - I can't imagine how anyone gets used to such a decision and change without the inevitable feelings of despair. I, too, am hanging on to the 'status quo' against advice ....... for how much longer, I have no idea.

    I can't imagine having to hand over the day-to-day care, I don't want anyone else to do it ....... he is MY husband ....... I even kind of resent the carers that come to the house, even though I know I need their help. But I fear that the day may come when matters will be taken out of my hands. I just hope that this will happen without me having to make the decision.

    You are brave: you've made the decision, and we are all behind you. Don't beat yourself up. Support Monique in any way you feel able, and try to 'be kind to yourself'.

    You need courage to change the things you can change, serenity to accept those you cannot change, and wisdom to know the difference.

    Take care!!
     
  13. janew

    janew Registered User

    Mar 28, 2005
    51
    Dear Michael,

    Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and Monique at this time. We joined TP about the same time and although I don't often 'post' I am on TP most days to catch-up.

    It must have been an awful decision to have to make - I know how I felt when I had to put my mum in for respite, so it must have been ten times harder but we all know when the time is right.

    I am not very good putting what I want to say on the computer but just wanted to send you my best wishes.

    Jane
     
  14. SusanR

    SusanR Registered User

    Apr 29, 2007
    19
    WisconsinUSA
    #34 SusanR, Jul 18, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2007
    Michael, it has been almost eleven months since I placed my husband in a facility. I did feel free for the first six months, but certainly not kicking up my heels about it. Now I feel lost with all the extra time I have and I work full time. And I am so thankful that I do. I still sometimes shiver with guilt that 'I gave up'. My most constant emotion now is such sadness for what he has lost. Friends, family have no idea of the long grieving of the carer. Only those on TP truly know how we suffer right beside our loved one. Everything you are feeling, we feel. I so want it to get better, but when? I had always thought the hardest part would be placing him in a facility, but it is much harder seeing him there. We have all gone through hell, but we will survive this. Each of us will heal at our own pace.

    Susan
     
  15. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    I brunt the toast to day and every time I burn the toast I always remember what Michael said way back last year

    So I was wondering Michael (if you pop into TP ) how are you & Monique getting on ?
     

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