Have been debating with myself as to if there was any point in sharing this - posting this but was reading the how long thread and thought I may as well.... some months ago the sociologue said I must put Monique in a home soon or it would become too difficult for the home to accustom her to the new environment. A couple of months ago her doctor said he did not want her coming to the surgery any more but would do home visits and added I really must find a care home for her. --- I chased all over France looking at homes - the good ones have a waiting list and can 'cherry pick' I think - the bad ones are just awful.... I put her name down for the 3 best ones I could find.. two were in northern France and one here in Charante Maritime.. about and hour and a half's drive away. About 4 weeks ago the home nearest to me called to say they had a place coming free and did I want it for Monique?.... such an easy question - such a terrible decision... just awful... The stairs had become a major problem, the scatological and urinary occasional problems would soon required me to get rid of the carpets or something just to be hygienic and poor Monique was just sad, depressed, scared, all the time.... I took a deep breath and said yes... Monique went into the home on July 5th and my life has changed for ever. Mind you so as hers... The people in the home are excellent caring kind and experience in people with Alzheimer's - the home has 50 beds - only Alzheimer's patients and purpose built... but it is so so sad... just find the tears welling up in my eyes - unexpectedly... I took her there by car with the main carer Astrid... we told her it was a hospital for her dodgy knees. stomach and she sort of believed us... we stayed an hour or two helping her to settle in -- settle in!!!! what the hell is that? The previous day I had taken a chest of draws from her childhood and arm chair we had forever and pictures and photos and wooden ducks - all to try to make it familiar.. Pictures she liked from when she was at the height of her beauty - and she was so beautiful - once. Did not visit for a few days as instructed but telephoned and sent in friends - she was not eating well --- in fact they were worried about her.. I went in at the end of 7 days and she was so thin... so emaciated... I thought she had just decided to give up... tea time she let me feed her cake and jam and apple juice and the following day I arrived at noon and fed her a full lunch - will go again in a few days... she is going to die in there.. not sure when but not that far away I fear. 6 months - couple of years... She is younger than the majority but probably worse than half of them... All nice people but turned into wrecks by this ******* illness. The guilt monkey is having a ball of course... Sometimes I rattle around this house missing her so much - looking in the room she occupied wondering if by some 'chance' she has come back... Sometimes I go out and realise that I do not need to luck at my watch so as not to be late for taking over from the carer... sometimes I wonder if I should have left it longer... I was so scared when I heard Peg had died that Monique would do the same... she did look ill, lost and pretty terminal when I saw her after 7 days... she is stronger now but I get the feeling that whatever fight was there, frequently not that much' had gone and she just wanted to curl up and let the bogey man take her away whilst her eyes are closed and she cannot see what's happening... So that's it -- where we all of us who look after somebody - end up.. Not sure any more of what is right or wrong, bad or worse, or if we have any right to make such decisions.. for another human being... and that's perhaps the hardest part - we make decisions that liberate us and condemn the person we were supposed to help - funny old life huh?