So sad...don't know what to do....

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by DaisyG, Mar 3, 2007.

  1. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England

    I'd like some advice ASAP please.

    I've been dealing with my husbands aggression on and off for some time now.
    It's been so hard for me.

    We've been trying our best to control this with drugs, and so far it
    it's 'hit and miss'.

    It's been getting BAD this last week, and this morning was terrible.

    I've done somethiing BAD.... I recorded him on a mobile phone.

    I'm sorry if ths is not legal.
    I felt like I had to do it.

    Even though I've been telling everyone for months how things are I feel like I'm not always believed.
    Does that make any sense?

    Now I have EVIDENCE (It's nasty to hear it)....
    I don't know what to do with it????
    I don't reallly know who to 'show and tell'....

    I know we are edging closer to me moving him into a home.
    In reality it should have happened months ago.

    Thing is, I love him.

    Does anyone know If I can get myself into trouble for recording him?

    The last thing I need to happen to me is be prosecuted for doing something illegal.......

    Does anyone know if the Psychologist.... psychiatrist... CPN ...... Social Workers.... be interested in the message....????

    Take Care

  2. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #2 Margarita, Mar 3, 2007
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2007
    Does sound like thing are getting hard for you to cope. I don’t feel you’ve done any thing illegal , just it’s a shame that it has to come to you recording your husband before anyone believe you , and I am sure if you talk to CPN they believe you anyway ,but its good I suppose that you have proof but its just still you that has to find the courage if you really want your husband in a care home to tell them that , also hard for you I know to do that , because of the emotional love your have for your husband and what you think his family will say .

    PS I just like to add .you do understand that he does not mean what he is saying to you ?
  3. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Daisy, recording things is only bad if they are for illegal (and that covers a multitude of things admittedly) - rather than private purposes .

    PLEASE …. Stop worrying now on this score….. Instead congratulate yourself on finding a positive way to have gained that ‘evidence’ for people who can’t - or don’t want to - know what happens when they are not there ….

    I appreciate how much you love your husband, but surely you will be able to demonstrate that more when you are not also living in fear?

    Daisy, I hope someone will be along soon with more advice as to how best to deal with what you have …. Just wanted you to know I am sending all my love for the best outcome for both of you …

    My heart goes out to you,

    Love, Karen, x
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Daisy, you haven't done anything illegal. If it was, everyone using a video-camera to record their family would be liable to prosecution.

    As Karen says, it only becomes illegal if you use it for illegal purposes.

    I think you should contact both CPN and SS first thing on Monday, and tell them you can't cope any more. Play them the recording.

    I know it's hard to make the decision to put a loved one into care, but you've tried so hard. You can't go on like this, and no-one would blame you. Keep the recording, so you can play it if anyone challenges your decision.

    I have such sympathy for you Daisy, it's an awful position to be in. But please think of yourself now.

  5. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England

    Thanks All,

    I guess the CPN etc all 'really do' believe in me, as they wouldn't have started him on the aggression drugs a while ago.

    I've just spent so MANY months of being accused of so much.
    Husband NO LONGER believes a thing I say.

    It's not me, it's you.....
    I've stolen EVERYTHING... Including his identity!!
    I've lost EVERYTHING.....
    Where have you put.... What have you done with.....

    HIS family, will ALWAYS be another matter.

    There sill is a little niggle at the back of my mind that what I did was not
    exactly 100 % legal.

    Does anyone know of anyone on this site that is either a legal secretary, or legally qualified....? So I can PM them.

    Lots of people to ring next week.
    Things i suspect will move fairly rapidly now.

    I only did this so I have evidence.

    My husband can be 'so nice' (sickly nice) to other people.
    Has only shown aggression towards me.

    Verbal (RUDE) to others .... never aggressive though.

    I just thought if family 'hear' what he can be like ....they might get a rude awakening.


    Thanks everyone,

  6. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Daisy, I can understand you are struggling ... that's what happens when you finally start to take control (life generally) .... and when you've had so long being persecuted and accused it's hard to 'justify' your own actions and decisions when you find the courage to take them (talking generally still....):)

    So ... you've been 'accused' - guilty 'til proven innocent ..... and all that .... you have tremdendous loyalty and love for your hubby, understandably .... but you need support to make matters right (or as right as they can be) ......

    Now you have proof to the contrary that you are NOT the guilty party .... you're having to cope with suddenly being in 'control' of a situation ....... when you're used to everyone else controlling and accusing......? That's really tough ...... please remember you have lots of friends here to support you .....

    Keep talking, Love Karen, x
  7. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Daisy,
    We have no-one on here who you can PM, but if you phone the Alzheimers Society helpline, someone there can offer legal guidance = unfortunatelyI don't think they are open till Monday now.
    Love Helen
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Daisy,
    Since I registered with TP in April 2006, I have seen how you`ve struggled with abusive behaviour. To get to the stage where you are today, shows you have had more than enough.

    What you have felt the need to do is not illegal, as everyone else has said. But as Margarita said, that you had to get to this stage in the first place is a horrific.

    Apart from your husband`s family, who have been of no support whatsoever to you, from what you say, the only one making accusations against you is your husband. He is ill. His opinions are inappropriate and irrational.

    However much you love him, there`s only so much you can be expected to take. He is a sick man, he can`t help, it but it`s proving too difficult for you.

    Now might be the time to take control of your own life for your own sanity and peace of mind, and accept your husband`s behaviour is more than you can cope with.

    Take care and keep posting.

    With love
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    If we are thinking logically , Seeing that you not taking your husband to court, then that would be the only time you need to worry if it was legal or not . if you don't mind me saying .
  10. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    I think you really need to contact the CPN, Social Services, and make it clear that this is an emergency situation that you cannot cope with. I assume from what you say that you feel as though you are in danger, if this is so then you must make this clear to whoever responds. Keep on until you get the help you need, obviously the medication is not enough.

    Sadly it seems to be that people with dementia can direct their aggression towards some people but be perfectly behaved towards others. We have had this, the consultant said that it is just the remnants of "social skills" that are left.
  11. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    I agree Maggie, in that the 'legal bounds' are very logical - it's the ethical/ moral/dealing with our consciences bits that really hit hard - and they would be easier too if it were all hypothetical and we weren't wrapped up in all the emotions of actually loving someone ......

    What concerns me most just now is that Daisy (or any others like her in any parallel circumstances) has to wait until Monday morning before being able to seek help on any professional level.... or does she?

    And to 'hold your nerve' when you are decisive at a weekend about what action you are going to take - when Monday morning finally arrives is another matter ....

    Daisy, so feel for you ...... at least TP is 24/7/52 if it's just to send hugs ....

    love, Karen, x
  12. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    south lanarkshire
    Hi DaiseyG

    Isn't there a duty social worker, you can contact in an emergency?

    I know when I was having a hard time with Mum one weekend I was told I could contact, the duty social worker anytime.

    I could be wrong but, I was given the impession that I could also contact a CPN, maybe not the CPN assigned to Mum, but someone would be on duty

    Sorry you are feeling so bad, but you have tried your best to care for your husband, with little help from anyone, now is the time to think of yourself

    Take care

  13. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #13 Margarita, Mar 3, 2007
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2007
    our consciences bits that really hit hard , yes karen thats just it Who teaches us that in how to deal with it, no CPN or social worker? Oh yes they can offer support. I have lived with challenging behaviour with my mother. I still had emotional love for my mother as much as a woman and husband have for each other, I had to learn to control my own emotion and take control over myself to be realistic to know how far I can go on in looking after my mother , learn the hard way in how to live with my mother AZ , so I do not get stress and lose control of my own Mind

    a carer can lose all control of her /his emotion when fear, stress sets in and logic go out of the window , that’s why I mention the word logic and it all come from feeling of love that only we can learn to control . so we can be realistic and logical in trying to help our love one to help ourself also , because its sadly them that are losing that not us its our love one that are ill not us , unless we let the stress get to us .
  14. cynron

    cynron Registered User

    Sep 26, 2005
    east sussex
    S W help

    daisy g .
    When i felt i could no longer cope on my own with my husband my social worker found him a home in less than a week. As he had suggested a home 6 months earlier he said he was not suprised i could not manage aynmore.

    Take heart although i have had to move my husband twice i have finaly found him a very good home just 5 minutes from me.

    Love cynron x x
  15. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    Hi Daisy, I don't know much about law in this, but I think your anxieties are unfounded here. I think there's legal issues about people recording people in professional capacities and without their knowledge. And there's issues about what evidence is permissible in court. But what we're talking about here is your need to show the other people involved in this situation. Sounds pretty resourceful to me ;)

    ......... and not that different from me deliberately winding dad up a bit before the social worker visited, in the desperate hope that the SW would see what I'd been saying about dad's confusion ...... and not just tell me he was Ok when I knew he wasn't.

    Like Helen says, it could be worth calling the AS helpline just to put your mind at rest. Or your local Citizen's Advice Bureau might be able to advise. No one likely to be there until Monday ........ but I'm sure it will be OK.
  16. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Daisy

    I think it may help you if you try to forget the word 'evidence' you are not collecting 'evidence', you are simply using a means to demonstrate to professionals what is happening behind your closed doors when you are alone with your husband.

    If you think about it, there is CCTV in most town centres, car parks, railway stations, airports etc. etc. etc. it is becoming more popular for people to place them outside there own home, so illegal, I dont think so.

    Weekend cover, there is a Duty Social Worker available over the weekend, and evenings. There is a Duty Psychiatrist available 24 hours a day, you can access them either via your out of hours GP surgery, A & E department, or if you telephone your local Psychiatric Hospital they will advise you how to access the Service.

    If all else fails, the Police can also call out the Duty Psychiatrist. If you do not hit crisis over the weekend, I would suggest that you contact your CPN/Social Worker on Monday, and if you are not ready to make decisions just yet, then ask them what is the best route to go, should you hit crisis out of hours.

    Only you can decide Daisy when the time is right to make firm decisions about your husbands long term future, and of course yours.

    You cannot put yourself in a position of worrying about what the family will think, they are not coping with this situation, you are!!!

    What ever you decide, I wish you well, we are all only human, and we all have a breaking point, you have done all that anyone could ask of you, and more.

    Cate xxx
  17. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England
    Thank you

    Thank you everyone for your replies.

    I'm OK today.

    Husband is at his brothers.
    It was a pre arranged visit, VERY RARE as they don't really like us!!
    Don't like disabled people in general. Very sad of them.

    Yes, lots of calls to make tomorrow. I know.

    Does anyone have any opinions at what stage should I let the family (IN LAWS) know what was said in the recording?

    Taken the memory chip out of the phone for 'safe keeping'.

    Don't want the in-laws (ooopps) accidentally deleting message.

    I don't intend in any way to use this message maliciously against my husband.
    I did it to let people know HOW HE IS / CAN BE.
    People need to know.

    I know there are others out there like me struggling to cope witth stressfull situations

    I'll keep you posted over the next few days.

    Take Care,

  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Daisy, I`m so pleased you are feeling better today and hope you have a good rest while your husband is at his brothers.

    From your posts, I don`t believe you owe your inlaws ANY explanations.

    You are your husband`s next of kin, you are the one who has done the caring and you are the one who`s taken the abuse.

    Now you must do what`s best for you.

    Good luck.
  19. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Glad to read your feeling better also and you can get some rest , while your husband away , hope I did not sound to abrupt yesterday with my post , just that I had a massive headache and am also feeling better today xx ((hugs))
  20. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Hi Daisy

    Glad you're feeling better. It was good that you had a break.

    I don't think you should tell the in-laws anything until the decision is made and your husband has a place in care. There's no point in giving them the opportunity to argue with you, you have enough unpleasantness to deal with.

    Just make sure you keep that memory chip safe!

    Good luck, and keep us posted.


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