So sad...don't know what to do....

[DaisyG]

Update On Situation.....

Just thought I'd update you all.


Contacted Social Services re my situation and husband now in a 'different respite' home.
He's been these 2 days now and he's to have 'assessments'.
Not sure what they mean by that, for some reason they wouldn't say.




They were told about my 'recording' of conversation with husband, and to my surprise they did not want to know / listen to it.


Does that sound weird? ... not wanting to hear the threats he made towards me.



Have been chatting to husbands SW about the violence situation and have been told that I can NEVER defend myself, unless my life is in clear danger.


Not that I have EVER EVER EVER intended to grab my husband and hurt him back.... EVER!!



It seems strange that my husband can 'hurt' me and 'get away with it' ....
yet if I 'defend myself', and 'instinctively grab him back' ... hurting (non intentially) him in the process.... then I can be prosecuted for harming him.


As he does not ever remember hurting me, then it seems that he has in effect 'got away with it'.


This situation I'm in is very very strange.

Take Care

DaisyG

 

[Skye]

Hi Daisy

It sounds incredible that you are not allowed to defend yourself when your husband attacks you. What exactly are you supposed to do? I'm not surprised that you are finding the situation hard to understand.

I think this assessment may turn out to be useful. Lets hope they get some evidence of his violence.

Keep us posted.

Love,

 

[Brucie]

to my surprise they did not want to know / listen to it.

I have always kept copious details of Jan's ups and downs and there has been no doctor yet who showed the slightest interest in seeing them.

Actually, what happens, i imagine, is that they make their own notes on what you say, then - in the assessment - they see what happens, and if it agrees with what you/we have said.

They like to make an objective assessment. Which is all very well, but the situation in an assessment unit is massively different from life in a persons home, and there are many staff in the unit, whereas we poor souls caring for someone at home, are on our own. The same issues may never come up on assessment.

Regarding defending yourself, I am sure that you are fine as long as you merely seek to ensure you are not damaged by him. You don't have to let anyone rain blows on you - I can't see that anyone would have a problem with your stopping a punch using your hand or arm, for instance. As long as you were to keep to the minimum necessary your protection of yourself, I reckon it would be fine.

Why not call the Alzheimer's Society Help Line and ask their advice on this?

 

[DaisyG]

Thank you

Hi Brucie,

My husband does a lot of grabbing, squeezing and pulling - what ever you want to call it
I've been told that if necessary to tie my hair back.
Strangely, he has NEVER grabbed and pulled my hair.

I have been told that I have to 'block' myself, and not allow a grab to take hold.
Easier said than done.


I've also been told that 'if he has his way with things' all the time, and not to try and 'explain an alternative idea' , then that will take away some of the aggressive outbursts.


For instance....
If he wants to lick his plate clean.... (literally cat-like).... then let him.
As if I try and say ... please don't do that.... it is likely to create an outburst of anger.

In other words it's easier at the end of the day ... for him to do as he pleases.
Even though it may not be 'right' in our everyday world.


And also, he won't allow me to have music on in our lounge.
Again, I've been told it's easier to let him have his way, as I'll only end up in an argument.


The thing is....
It is not really a way to be 'living'. Allowing ONE person (mentally ill) to be in so much control of what i say and do.



I know he will have to go to a home ..... soon-ish.
In the meantime, I'll just have to bite my tongue, and 'give in' to avoid any confrontation.

It really does not seem that fair.

Take Care

DaisyG

 

[Tender Face]

This situation I'm in is very very strange.

DaisyG - first thanks for the update .... you know we worry about you!!!!

I am struggling here to work out how the threat of (or actual carrying out of) domestic violence (which is what it is) seems to have different 'rules' for you .... just because there is some 'explanation' for the aggressive behaviour does not mean that the victim should have to tolerate, condone or be responsible for averting it ... and then be given 'guidelines' in how to do so .....

Daisy, if your husband's dementia were not in this equation, it would not be him leaving the home but you being urged - even helped - to seek safety for yourself .....

Sorry to be so blunt .... but I cannot believe that HE is receiving support and protection and YOU are being expected to give it in such conditions .... dementia or not, there can be no excuse for allowing someone to remain vulnerable .... and, yes, I understand you love him .... but, but, but ......

Where's YOUR social worker?

Will Pm you

Love, Karen,x

 

[Brucie]

Hi DaisyG

Well, there are several issues here, as far as I can see....

Firstly, protecting yourself against violence.

What constitutes blocking seems important here, to me. Certainly warding off a blow. Sometimes, with the best will in the world, only by grabbing a wrist or arm can one stop a blow.

It is an unfortunate thing that so many of the 'professionals' who seek to advise us have not the faintest idea of what it is like to be a carer.

In such a way, to them, when a waist strap is used to keep someone with dementia from falling out of a wheelchair and hurting themselves - then that is unlawful restraint.

Possibly they are worried in your case that an attempt to do more than passively block a blow might escalate things from his side. Frustration breeds more physical activity. So, maybe they are suggesting passive blocking in the hope that he might not escalate things. If so, why on earth do they not explain it that way?

As far as the other things are concerned, well, I'll hold up my hands to going with Jan's flow when she was at home latterly. Anything that would make her less agitated, less frightened, less threatened - that was what I did, partly because it made life a whole lot easier. That was when I started to learn to 'enter her world' and not to expect her to enter mine.

Yes, it means we begin to live a weird life, but the alternative is....?

The only thing I would say is - this thing passes, though nobody can say how long it may take.

All that being said, I agree with Karen to a huge extent.

 

[yvonne j]

my dad was agressive with my mum, she coped as long as she could but eventually could take no more. unfortunately by this time she herself was exhausted, now I have lost them both. dont let yourself become worn out. have you an alzheimer's group outreach worker who you can talk things over with? my outreacg worker has been a godsend to me.

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Daisy, I can only agree with everything those who posted before me have said. I have nothing to add apart from dismay at the injustice of a world where a devoted carer has to look over her shoulder.
You have a lot of friends on TP. I know no-one can come to give you practical help in the situation you find yourself in but there will always be someone here for you.
Take care