So hard to make the decision

[love.dad.but..]

The rollercoaster of this illness causing us to think it is ok I can manage and then just as suddenly the challenges reappear is difficult. I am glad for you that you have arrived at the decision and for your OH that he will be looked after by a team of people but with you still fully involved just as Jessbow said without the night shift and grotty bits.

I am also glad that you are listening to the signals your body is giving you in that it is time. My mum died suddenly at home from a fatal stroke...previously no health problems I will never know if looking after dad with dementia caused it through stress and I try not to think that it did...however in the following 10 very stressful months and at times many tearful days and nights for me having willingly put my life on hold and moved in to look after verbally aggressive dad...a nursing home was the next step I had to take.

I have posted previously to others...dementia takes one life don't let it take two. Partly that is probably due to how I feel about mum in times of reflection.

 

[Jean1234]

Took my OH into day care on Monday as usual and told them we would like the room. He stayed that night and has been there Ever since. I took in his clothes and medication that afternoon and could have gone to see him but I was so upset I didn’t want him to see me and get upset too so I just passed them in then sat in a nearby lay-by and howled. Been a bit like a leaking tap over the last three days but am slowly coming to terms with it today except when I started to cry when explaining to my neighbour why my OH wasn’t around . Five o’clock is the worst as that is when I would normally pick him up from day care. But I am sure that once I am allowed to visit, after the settling in period, I will be much better. I know that he is in the best place and I made the right decision and once I can give him a hug I will be more settled. Thank you all for your advice when I was trying to make my mind up. It now gives me time to think of the good times we had instead of battling with the difficult aspects of Alzheimer’s.

 

[Nanawendy6]

The day I have been dreading since my husband was admitted to hospital for medical reasons came last week. Always intended he would come home when better. To be told on the day I was going to bring him home by mental health and nursing staff and social workers that they all agreed he would not be safe at home nor would I or the carers. I was and still am devastated. I agreed he needed a placement against the wishes of a family member. We haven’t spoken since. Due to his need for specialist dementia nursing care it took three months to find the right place and I was given 24 hours notice it was available. I am assured that it is the best place to meet his needs in the county which makes the 3 hr round trip worthwhile. He eats a sensible diet no huge packets of sweets, he changes his clothes, wears pyjamas at night and has had his first shower in two years. That alone is an impressive thing for the care staff to manage. I’m told that they come out of the bathroom as wet as he is! He also responds to them nodding or shaking his head.So that’s all good. There are a few niggles but it’s early days. E.g. property lost from his room which should be locked, wearing somebody else’s trousers on the third day and often nobody quite sure where he is when I arrive! Big ground floor building lots of long corridors and few locked doors just right for a healthy man who likes to pace! But…
He knows me when I arrive he holds my hand and cries. It breaks my heart every day and I cry too. I hold him when he lets me and plan how I can get him home again. And every day I think he’s fine -all good days -I could cope with him at home - get more carers in. He is too young he doesn’t need to be there - he looks out of place -smart - clean I could go on. Only thing that comforts me is that he accepts my goodbye kiss and carries on with what he’s doing.
People on this forum have appalling demands on them emotionally and physically and still have their PWD with them. I think I feel a fraud.

 

[Izzy]

For goodness sake @Nanawendy6 - please never ever think you are a fraud. You're going through a really traumatic time and I'm glad you have posted here about it. People here understand what you're facing day in and day out. Please keep posting.

 

[jimbo 111]

So I’m now sitting here thinking I should try to keep him home longer. Please give me your thoughts. Sorry to be so long winded.

Hello Jean

I have been a member of TP for many years ,but since my wife died 8 years ago I have not made much of a contribution and it is by coincidence that I read your post

Helen had AD and from being a wonderful mother and wife ,she was deteriorating quickly into the dreadful circumstances that affect those with Alzheimers and described so vividly

Helen died from a heart attack and I often feel ashamed when I say I am glad she died before she got as bad as your husband is , like so many on this forum

She was a very, proud woman and it was heartbreaking to see her gradually deteriorating into the shell of a woman she once was

We were both in our early 80’s when she died

I would have done anything to spare her the indignities that you and other members describe



Take it as a Godsend that you will be able to to enjoy what is left in your lives, do not be selfish in hurting yourself when he is being well looked after and you are not needlessly being worn down
trying to cope with the inevitable

I wish you luck and some future happy times

jimbo

 

[Jean1234]

Hello Jean

I have been a member of TP for many years ,but since my wife died 8 years ago I have not made much of a contribution and it is by coincidence that I read your post

Helen had AD and from being a wonderful mother and wife ,she was deteriorating quickly into the dreadful circumstances that affect those with Alzheimers and described so vividly

Helen died from a heart attack and I often feel ashamed when I say I am glad she died before she got as bad as your husband is , like so many on this forum

She was a very, proud woman and it was heartbreaking to see her gradually deteriorating into the shell of a woman she once was

We were both in our early 80’s when she died

I would have done anything to spare her the indignities that you and other members describe



Take it as a Godsend that you will be able to to enjoy what is left in your lives, do not be selfish in hurting yourself when he is being well looked after and you are not needlessly being worn down
trying to cope with the inevitable

I wish you luck and some future happy times

jimbo

Thank you Jimbo