1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    Sneaking on at work so brief - Spamar hope you get through today OK, first anniversaries are hard.
  2. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    #3722 Essie, Dec 2, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2015
    Spamar, thinking of you today, anniversaries, especially first ones are so hard..

    Ann, I am fuming on your behalf and I fully agree that taking a 3 month booking and then another one straight afterwards is not in keeping with the idea of respite provision - long term placements are an entirely different matter and should be dealt with in a different way - where would those two people have gone 6 months ago, before you got the respite bed commissioned? Why can't they go there now.....the fact that apparently the only way to deal with this need is to clog up the only available short term respite bed just serves to highlight the appalling lack of provision of services as a whole - or is it a way of reducing the use of the respite bed so as to downplay it's importance...or am I just getting overly suspicious and seeing conspiracy where there is none....

    As Red has said keep us posted and the very, very best of luck to you.

    And just a last thought on Mil....UTI, or the cellulitis again? Hope she was calmer again this morning.
  3. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    Thinking of you, Spamar.
  4. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Morning all,

    Spamar, hope you got through yesterday OK, Hun xxxxx

    Long day for me yesterday. Adult services phoned me back in the morning. And the chap told me that he had 'phoned round everywhere' and there wasn't another respite bed available. I don't know if he thought I would meekly accept that - he's the same chap that contacted me after Mil 'escaped' from DC and at the time he thanked me for being reasonable over that matter, so maybe he expected me to take 'reasonable' to the level of 'OK - I'll accept the unacceptable this time' ? Anyway, he got a sucking. Stays of that length are definitely not classed as respite, they are considered to be 'temporary placements' and thats what I stuck to - that as the LA had said that they would provide a pre-bookable respite facility, they had a duty to ensure that it was available for that purpose and that I expected them to sort an alternative straight away. He said I was free to start the 'complaints procedure' - told him that no, I wasn't going to meekly stumble off down that route, allowing it to drag on for weeks. He said he would pass it on to a 'senior manager' - told him the 'senior manager' had better phone me back by 4 - with a solution. Again pointed out that they were using funds to retain a respite bed and that as its use had now been changed they had a legal duty to see that the funds were being used in the manner intended and ensure that a respite facility was available. I finished by listing all the issues that just I had encountered in terms of the services failings - how I'd sorted out Mils bathroom issues, the profile bed because the service 'couldn't help' and the issues surrounding the locum psychiatrists for the elderly and what was happening with the assessment unit. That this was the last straw and I was more than prepared to kick off about the whole damn situation and how useless the service is.

    Next stop, phone call to CPN to see if she could suggest anything to help - and to let her and the rest of her team know that the one respite bed was no longer available, as I know that they have been steering carers towards it. She was appalled, her initial response being the same as mine - the bed wasn't commissioned for temporary placements, it was commissioned for bookable respite breaks, anything over a month is a temporary placement. She went on to say that she didn't see what the LA could do about it, that there simply were no beds in facilities prepared to accept 'difficult' EMI patients like Mil, adding that the situation with the assessment ward being filled with patients waiting for permenant placements was getting worse and that they were regularly placing people anywhere they could, outside of the county - including sending people as far away as London!

    Amazingly, I got a call back half an hour later, saying that they had found an EMI private home that was prepared to accept Mil for the one night, so we could go to daughters graduation. It was for me to now contact the home and organise it (gong to visit this morning to make sure its suitable) and it is, as I understand it, just a 'one-off'. I thanked them nicely - and told them that I would still be expecting them to sort out the respite bed as I wasn't prepared to go through this every time I needed to book a break. So that manager had better still phone me back before 4pm.

    4pm, no call :mad: I headed off to pick up Mil at 4.30, came back to find a message on the answer machine, a manager had rang just after we left. I'll be phoning her back today.

    Meanwhile, picking up Mil, DC told me that they had had another bad day (though not quite as bad as the day before). Mil had been repeatedly calling one of the staff a 'prostitute' amongst other things! They also told me that all hell had been let loose over the respite issue, that the phones had been ringing all day, that it had caused a lot of upset - one actually referred to it as a 'mix up', which infuriated me as it seemed to imply that they hadn't 'realised' what they were doing!. I was very polite, but also very clear. I was sorry that they were getting grief, but it wasn't my fault. I wasn't the one to use a commissioned respite bed for a temporary care placement and that I'd had no choice but to do something about it as I couldn't/wouldn't go six months without respite - especially as it was entirely possible that the home could continue to use the bed for placements, after that 6 month period, despite them being paid a retainer to use it for respite, so it had to be sorted out. I reminded them that I had praised both them and their sister home at every opportunity till now, and that having battled the way I did to get the bed in the first place, surely no one would expect me to simply accept that it was now not available?. Do you know, I don't think that they had even considered it from that view point ? Difficult for them to blame me, when it was their actions that started the whole mess.

    So - thats where I'm up to. Great that they somehow, miraculously managed to find a respite place for Mil for that one night once I started shouting - but I'm not letting them away with the fact that Mil is having to go somewhere where they don't know her and her ways, that this presents a distinct lack of continuity of care. And it doesn't solve the whole issue - that not only needs addressing, but I want something in place to make sure it doesn't happen again. And as that one bed has been pretty much fully booked, anyway, I really think they need to look at the provision of at least a second bed - I'll be pushing for that too.

    Hope you guys all have a good day xxxxx
  5. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    North East Lincs
    Hi Ann It's so distressing what they are prepared to put us through. It is only since I put in writing that their services were 'not fit for purpose' and they were not exercising their 'duty of care towards us' that things have moved here. Like you I haven't finished with them yet! I hope that you get it all sorted to your satisfaction soon. G L
  6. Grace L

    Grace L Registered User

    Jun 14, 2014
    NW UK
    Morning ...

    Oh Ann , what can I say... its just completely unacceptable that anyone has to fight for respite.
    (I had this respite problem with my late husband, it does not surprise me it is still happening).

    I wish there was something I / we TP could do. This problem is not going to go away.

    Katrine :) thank you.
    Locked cabinet is polished, double doors, glass front, beading on etched glass doors, heavy (back too thick to remove / prise 'easily'). Might cause damage, so I will just leave it, thank you.
    I've thought about getting my nieces eldest to ask if she can have a look at x, but she is just a little too young to involve her in my recovery.
    Family know they are mine, and I WILL be getting them back.... not sure when, but I will one day.

    I've just had a 'funny' idea (I wont do it)..... get a metal detector ...
    Her little bungalow is stuffed full of all kinds of things she has gathered, a lot of 'useless' stuff from charity shops... other things she has gathered, that would not work.

    Spamar.... xoxoxo....

    Ann... good luck with your phone calls. x
  7. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    #3727 Ann Mac, Dec 4, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2015
    Morning all,

    Thanks DL and Grace :)

    Bit of a mad day, yesterday. To start, Mil wasn't for going to day care, so it took me about 10 minutes longer to get her up and washed than it usually does. Aside from the list of reasons why she was insisting she couldn't go - she was going shopping with friends, she had to go and see her 'Auntie' in hospital, the 'matron' had agreed she could have a day off, etc - she was also talking about a dream she said she had about her brother, which (as she spoke) seemed to stop being a dream and she began talking about it as if him visiting her (dressed oin a soldiers' uniform) had actually happened and it was really hard to keep her focused on getting washed and dressed. Even though the driver didn't turn up till 10 past 9, she was only ready by the skin of her teeth!

    Then it was a quick fly round to get ready and go visit the home that the adult social care worker had found that had agreed to provide a respite bed for Mil. It turned out to be an older building, though purpose built for residential care. Manager seemed very approachable and informal, a massive amount of paperwork which very thoroughly covered Mils basic needs - though she (the manager) did say that any additional info about Mil would be 'fantastic'. There was a fairly strong whiff of urine in places around the home, which was a bit off putting - but the area where Mils bedroom would be was fine, as was the smaller, very secure 'annex' where it was agreed that Mil would probably be happier, as opposed to the main and much larger lounge area's in the main part of the home. All area's were quite cosy and 'home like' and cheery in decor and the way they were set out. So, OH and I agreed, and we made the booking for Mil to stay there overnight whilst we go to the graduation.

    Back home, and a good while spent playing phone tag with the manager from Adult Social Care - which is infuriating! Eventually spoke to her just after 3.30. And I was left rather confused.

    Despite Mils usual respite home catagorically telling me that they absolutely did not have a bed available for that date, that the bed was booked out for probably the next six months, apparently all of a sudden, a bed was available. For the exact date we needed. Only of course, we had now booked the place at the alternative home that this 'manager's' underling had found for us - and she was totally unaware that this alternative place had been found (Such fab communication between workers at Adult Social Care - NOT!). Once again, there was mention of a 'mix up' and I maybe wrong, but I did feel the implication was that I'd misunderstood! I pointed out that I had spoken to the usual home not once, but twice, to confirm that the respite bed was booked for such a long time and that there was nothing ambiguous about the manager there telling me very clearly that there would be no bed available, definitely till the end of February, and probably for another 2 to 3 months after that. Felt like a change of tack, as this person then went on to say that I was 'quite right', the bed was not commissioned for temporary placements and that the 'contracts department' would be looking into it. I asked if the respite bed was now available again for future bookings - told that they are 'looking into it'. I told her that once they had looked into it, I expected to be told what the situation was. I pressed for consideration for a second and perhaps a 3rd bed to be commissioned as there was clearly a need - my 'questions and concerns' will be passed on. Feel like I've been left hanging again.

    I suspect I won't be told anything till the next time I try to book and I find nothing is available. I am really confused about where the usual home have suddenly found this available bed from. Although I don't see what alternative I had but to respond to the loss of the bed the way I did, I am now a little worried that the home might take umbrage at me causing a stir and that this might affect Mils placement at day care, and acess to the respite bed - IF it is still there. I still intend to, if this other organisation I mentioned want to carry it forward, work with them to try and improve support and respite for PWD's and their carers in this area.

    OH picked Mil up and she was very, very confused. No mention of any difficulties from DC, he said, but she filled the journey home with a rambling monologue that was all over the place and included her talking about her Dad being 'nearly 70 now' and how he was going to retire. No outright nastiness, or even bad agitation once she was home, but it seemed to me like the evening was filled with her sort of 'testing' the waters for a reaction - lots of pointed comments with her looking very obviously for a response - 'When I go home to my house, I'm going to buy a big telly like that', 'I didn't think I brought my slippers when I came to stay - I thought I'd left them at home', 'Oh - did I pack pyjama's for me to stay here tonight?'. I mostly didn't respond or answered with a complete change of subject, but really did feel like she was 'needling' us. We also had a lot of her up and down looking for this, that and the other - though most of the time she was saying she didn't know what she was looking for - but she would know what it was when she found it! Bed just after 9, no worse than usual getting her sorted - but then down again just after 10, really belligerant, OH was her husband and she owns this house and who the hell did I think I was to ask her what she had come downstairs for?! OH eventually got her settled, but I'm finding this new habit of her coming down once we have started to relax very wearying. Like the prn meds, the sleeping meds seem to be having very little impact :(

    Catch up with the house today, wrap the two sets of prints, ordered for Xmas presents, that have finally arrived and maybe have a snooze as I tossed and turned, it feels like, for most of last night.

    Hope you all have a good day x
  8. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    North East Lincs
    Hi Ann sounds like another busy day ahead. I can't help feeling that MIL might be better off in one place. If only we could find the 'special one' she was looking for last week things would be much easier for you all. Hope you have a peaceful day. G L
  9. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    #3729 MrsTerryN, Dec 4, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2015
    Have to say that is why I don't push some issues with mum at the nursing home. The staff are really caring for mum so if some of the things they do grate me a little I have decided it is my issue and not affecting mum's care

    Ann that lurgy of yours I think came through lol. Feeling rather ordinary today

    I rang and spoke to mum's geriatrican yesterday ,she is so lovely, we had a long discussion DNR again checked. Basically mum will not be takento hospital as a general rule. Mum will be made comfortable only. I stressed how much different mum is now and how with mum having a parent with dementia mum already had stated she didn't want it.
    Similar to your MIL Ann my mum isn't a contented person with dementia. She is full of anxiety ,paranoia and fear.
    The Dr has prescribed risperdone for mum but it appears she will only use temporarily. She also isn't too confident that mums paranoia will decrease. Mind you she is considering anti depressants for mum.
    Mum apparently in the meeting with the geriatrican was full of suspicion and was vitriolic about me. Though there was a slight twist insofar as it was mum who had an affair when she was working.
  10. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    #3730 RedLou, Dec 4, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2015
    Ann - could work the other way and they'll be ultra careful never to cross you! You did the right thing. Well done.
    PS In future tell them you know you have not misunderstood because you take contemporaneous notes of all conversations about MiL. Which in effect you do, thanks to TP. They're trying that one on to wriggle out of their b*lls-up, excuse my french.
  11. Rageddy Anne

    Rageddy Anne Registered User

    Feb 21, 2013
    Just dropped in here to catch up, and am horrified that you've been put through so much grief, Ann, over one night's respite so badly needed and deserved. Where on earth do you find the energy to fight these battles while dealing with MIL and her deteriorating behaviour? I know, adrenalin helps, but heavens, you need every ounce of energy and not to have to battle for a tiny bit of respite.

    I've been very lucky to discover an opportunity for a week's respite not far from here...hubs has never fitted the profile for a Day Centre, ( he's terribly aware some of the time, and just doesn't fit in) so this will be something new. Because of his awareness( which alternates with total confusion, anxiety and distress, I've had to very carefully plan how to get him to agree. We've had a home visit from the Care Home nurse for assessment, and he put on a very convincing performance, so I keep my fingers crossed. It's all described in detail on my thread Begging to Go Home.

    Thank goodness you got your one day, but you shouldn't have had to fight for it. Bravo!
  12. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    She would definitely be better off using just the one place for respite, GL, if that's what you mean - unfortunately, after this last mess, I'm now by way of thinking that I can't rely on that 'one place' and it might well be better to have her familiar with an alternative - and more importantly, almost, the staff at an alternative venue also familiar with her.

    That's how I feel, Terry - and I have over-looked any 'minor' niggles. But some things, I honestly don't think you have any option but to speak up - and this was one of those things. And although I don't feel I had any option, I am now really concerned about possible fall out, and feeling really miserable and cross because why should I have to worry about maikng a legitimate complaint about not just poor, but positively dreadful service? On a different note, hope the lurgy soon goes for you - mines still lingering, though definitely better :) Glad the DNR chat seemed to go OK for you - a hard subject to tackle, I feel for you. Like you, we've been warned that medication may never do anything to banish Mils paranoia and occasional nastiness - that's horrible for us, but now and again I stop and wonder what a dreadful miserable existence those feelings create for poor Mil too :(

    Red, I hope you are right - I really have tried hard to build a good relationship with DC and respite and am fed up that I feel its been possibly jeopardised by this whole thing. A horrible side effect of all this is that I don't feel that we are 'on the same side' now, and that just isn't good for my stress levels, or for Mil's care :(

    I am so glad that respite looks like its moving forward for you Anne - about flipping time you got a break, hun - I am often blown sidewise by how you (and other solo carers) manage. You so deserve some time out, hun xxxx

    I didn't have a lot of choice, Anne. I and the rest of the family really need those breaks, so I had to battle for them. Though I admit that even more than the first time, I really feel that dealing with this has knocked me for six. There's an awful feeling of - I don't want to call it dispair, because that sounds so melodramatic - but of lets say of 'gloom' at the prospect of this sort of thing happening and at having to deal with it again and again and again. Resentment and guilt that in order to get this break, Mil is going to have the added stress of dealing with a totally new environment - I feel I would be descending to the level of Social Care if I cancelled the booking we have made at the new place, particularly as the manager there has made an exception in allowing us to book a bed for respite, let alone for such a short break and has gone out of her way to accomodate Mil. Plus, given this latest episode, I feel I have to put Mils well being in almost second place as I no longer feel confident I can rely on her usual place, so might need this new home again! I just can't mess them about, it would be both wrong and possibly shooting myself in the foot to do so. A combination of being practical, knowing that we can't risk being left high and dry and yet feeling selfish, because respite is more for us than for Mil, and so I've put 'us' first, in effect.

    I've really struggled this morning. When I last posted, I'd already persuaded Mil back to bed 3 times since just before 6a.m. I hadn't noticed, because her dressing gown is quite long and the pj legs are 3/4 length, that she was no longer wearing the pj's I helped her put on last night. And last night had included, when getting her undressed and to bed, her oft repeated argument that she doesn't need to wear pull ups - now and again, she recognises them for what they are, though more often she thinks that they are just ordinary knickers. Anyway, there had been the not so unusual back and to conversation, where I'd explained as tactfully as I could why it's a good idea for her to wear them and she had disagreed but finally complied. I hadn't given it another thought - till this morning. When I went into the room, bed absolutely soaked and the PJ's from the night before were shoved back in a drawer along with the pull ups - both dry. And for once, Mil seemed fairly clear on why - she told me very haughtily that she didn't 'see the need' for her to wear pull ups, so had taken them off the night before and just put a nighty on. I pointed out that the result was a wet bed.

    She shrugged, as though that wasn't her problem. I found out what 'biting your tongue' really means.

    Then I had to argue with her to let me wash her hair - it was only done yesterday, but the back of her head was wet and stank of wee - I just can't leave her like that, and in the end had to very bluntly spell out for her that she smelt in order to get her to agree to it being washed. So, of course, she was offended and upset and I felt like the bad guy. And then, after breakfast, we had the 'needing a brolly 'cos its raining' loop, the 'Lend me some money' loop - she refused the change I generally keep handy for this one and was demanding that I should lend her £2 - only she wanted it in pound notes!. And of course, the 'coat' loop. I absolutely know that I was short with her and she must have been aware of that, but I simply couldn't find it in me to be any different this morning. It was a relief when the mini bus turned up.

    I'm now trying to summon up the energy to start on the over loaded wash basket and the catch up on the house, which has been largely neglacted due to the running round of the last two days . And yep, I know it will all be there tomorrow, but its OH's weekend in work, I'm mainly solo with Mil which means its almost impossible to tackle several jobs, so 'tomorrow' will actually not be till next Monday, when she is back in day care, and by then, the the work will have piled up to a ridiculous exent - and OH, who will help, doesn't finish his run of the long shifts till Monday night.

    Need to give myself a shake - its pity-party central here today - sorry xxxx
  13. loveahug

    loveahug Registered User

    Nov 28, 2012
    Moved to Leicester
    Gosh Ann I couldn't read and run after reading your latest post, it took my breath away! I am constantly amazed by your strength and stoicism and just wanted to tell you you are amazing. If there were medals to be had, you'd have fallen over from the weight! ;)

    As much as I've learned about dementia and compassionate communication and coping strategies there is no way I could have managed with mum if her behaviour had been like your MiL. I really hope you get enough respite to recharge your batteries on a regular basis but, tbh, I'm not holding my breath.

    Hugs x
  14. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    :eek: selfish??? You selfish???
    Not in a million sand dunes filled with millions of grains of sand

    My thoughts....
    To continue caring for your mil. You HAVE to put yourself first 78% of the time now otherwise I would like to bet a crisis could occur. This situation is a form of crisis in my eyes..... Not necessarily your own line in the sand crisis...... That's "easy" to deal with, if you know what i mean.... But this is a different line in the sand crisis isn't it......

    Huge power to your elbow, wish you didn't need to fight again..... And possibly again......

    Here's me thinking Catch 22 was a book of fiction.......

    Squishy hugs. xxxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  15. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    Ann you do a much for MIL respite definitely is needed. I hope obtaining it becomes easier , yep eternally optimistic
  16. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    (((Ann))) as loveahug says, you are deserving of not one, but many medals for dealing with MIL and taking on the system. I vote with everyone else -you are about the least selfish person I have ever 'met' and even your demand for respite is so that you can return refreshed and carry on looking after MIL.

    The respite business is totally unacceptable - but I know that many people are having to accept it as they have no alternative :mad: I read about the battle you had to get just that single respite bed, to learn that even that is not actually available makes me so angry. I can imagine that, for some carers, this could be the last straw. Of course I'm glad that someone miraculously managed to find a bed for MIL, but you are right to suspect that this will happen again if you don't make a noise now. One thing I do know, even without hearing the conversation I am sure that you did not 'misunderstand' what you were told. I do understand your worry that you have made things worse for MIL but no care worker worth their salt would take that out on the PWD - I suspect most will have forgotten it in 2 weeks time!

    Raggedy Anne, I so hope that your plans for respite come to fruition, I really don't know how you carry on day after day- you too Mrs TN :(

    Mum was quite bruised after her fall - she 'missed' the bottom step as she was going downstairs - her keys were in her pocket and she landed on them, her ribs/side were also sore today, I think she was holding the bannister and pulled them that way. However, it doesn't look as if there is anything major, so that is good. We did our usual shopping and coffee outing this morning.

    Hubby's brother and SIL are here for a few days, it is nice to see them but I do find it difficult to have people around like this. I'm an unsociable curmudgeon :D

    One bit of good news is that the hospital have confirmed that my consultant and his secretary manage his waiting list so I not been disadvantaged due to telling them when I would be away for a few days. Which is a great relief but it would have been better if I had not been caused 10 days of anxiety by the phone call asking if I want to go back on the list now!
  17. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Morning all,

    Thank you loveahug, Terry, 2jays and Slugsta - bless you guys. I can't tell you how much the kind words and your support lifts me up xxxx

    I'd definitely say that this issue is a crisis, 2Jays - but not one of Mil's making or one that's down to her directly. This is caused simply because I suspect the home put profits before people and tried to pull a fast one over the respite bed. Even though that bed had been very well used, I guess there have been the odd occasions when it was empty, so a guaranteed full income for such an extended period must have been tempting. I honestly doubt - though if I'm wrong, apologies - that they were not aware of the diffference between 'respite' and 'temporary placements' - I havent worked in the care industry for over 4 years now, and I knew! What has really surprised me is that knowing how hard I fought for the bed in the first place, that they now seem so shocked that I'm fighting this time too. They are - from what I've seen - really surprised at me kicking off to the extent I've had to and the fuss that I have caused. OH thinks because we were so reasonable about Mil's 'great escape' that they thought we would be as 'reasonable' over no respite for so long. Maybe they don't know the difference between being reasonable - and being a Mug?

    No word from adult services yesterday, and when I asked at the home last night, nope - no one knew if the issue was now sorted and if the bed was going to be available again or not. I'm giving it a week, and if no feedback (as I have been promised from Adult services), then I'll be back on the phone. Screaming. Again. :rolleyes:

    Slugsta, so glad you haven't lost your place on the waiting list - but flipping heck - you could have done without the stress of worrying about it! Glad that no major damage happened to you Mum with her fall, though I would imagine she is stiff and sore, bless her. Hope her aches ease soon xxx

    Picked Mil up from DC to be told they had had another rather 'fraught' day with her. She was fixated on going to Limerick, and amongst other things was certain that somebody at DC had both her bus and ferry tickets - she wanted them back and she wanted the door open so she could leave to catch the boat, and as always, she wanted that 'NOW', all day long. The staff seem constantly stunned about how she just cannot be distracted and how she just will not listen to any reassurance or attempts to calm her down. They leave me with the impression that they have never encountered anyone as stubborn as Mil before. She had barely sat down all day, refused to use her frame and been 'very agitated'. She was also really confused about where she was - by that, I mean what country she was in - at times and was ranting on about not being 'allowed' to take the walking frame to Wales, and from what I can gather, the staff really struggled to follow a lot of what she was saying. When I arrived she was soaked in sweat, hair plastered to her head - it is like a flipping oven in that place and she hadn't stopped with the up and down pacing and pestering - and adamant that the 'blue bag' she swore she had brought with her had to be found. There was no 'blue bag'. She switched from that to wanting to know where her 'friend' was. The 'friend' who had 'come here with me' and who Mil wanted to bring with us when we left. Like the 'blue bag', no one could magic this 'friend' from thin air, and she was so frustrated because she couldn't see why this 'friend' wasn't leaving with her and why no one would go looking for her.

    In the car and it was still 'going to Limerick' or believeing (I think) that she was actually in Limerick that was stuck in her head. Were we going to catch the ferry now? Did I have the tickets? Did I have any problems getting the car on the ferry? Did I bring 'this car' over or had I hired it? Did I know what time we would get to Limerick? Would her Dad be meeting us? Do I know my way from here to Flood Street? Would it take me long to drive it? . I stayed calm, and asked her firmly to wait till we stopped to talk, pointing out the traffic was awful. 5 minutes later, the 'firm' request became a shouted order, and she finally was quiet.

    Arriving home she - for the first time - clearly had not one clue about where she was. Usually she recognises it as mine and OH's house and will ask why we have brought her here instead of taking her home. Last night, when I stopped, she asked 'Where's this place?'. But once we got through the front door, she greeted both dogs by name and seem to re-orientate herself.

    The evening was spent with little darts flying. No kick off or upset, but constant little verbal jabs, so clearly looking for a response. Lots of references to when she 'goes back' to her house and repeated questions about had she brought this with her and could I lend her that because she had 'left it at home'. Smirk there and when on one occasion I did challenge her, asking her where she lived, quick as a flas she answered 'Here - but I don't want to!', so the wee madam knew full well what she was doing. Other than that one time, i stayed completely non-committal and refused to rise. We had a brief 'I am going into the kitchen' loop before bed. but it was short lived and she did settle once I got her up to bed at just after 9. And thankfully, she stayed there, last night.

    I've put her back to bed twice this morning - first time she was sure she had to get dressed to 'go catch the ferry', the second time she wanted to go to the 'dining room to order breakfast' - I told her the kitchen wasn't open yet and she replied that she wasn't going to stay in this hotel again - its a dump! :D

    Usual Saturday here - dau to theatre group, Mil to friends. I have one - JUST ONE - more pressie to buy and wrap today and I'm hoping to make a supermarket run to finish off the Christmas 'store cupboard' and freezer shop. That will leave me just with the fresh fruit and veg and perishables like dairy to buy a couple of days before Xmas day. All MIl's gifts for others are bought and wrapped - not that she remembers that and is still having loops of asking about it repeatedly - all I have to do is deliver them for her. Its nice to be this organised for once!

    Hope you all have a good day xxxxx
  18. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    North East Lincs
    Hi Ann just popping in here to deal with your response to my comment yesterday:

    'She would definitely be better off using just the one place for respite, GL, if that's what you mean - unfortunately, after this last mess, I'm now by way of thinking that I can't rely on that 'one place' and it might well be better to have her familiar with an alternative - and more importantly, almost, the staff at an alternative venue also familiar with her'.

    It just seems such a busy life for you all. I often wonder if it is all too much for your MIL. Something simpler might be better but where is our Knight to take her there? G L
  19. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    Ann it is interesting how MIL is unable to be distracted and is quite stubborn. I spoke to mums geriatrican the other day to find out what she thought. She thinks mum is unlikely to be able to be diverted when she is paranoid .
    I realize that many people have the same issues . I wonder why is it different now to say 30 years ago or isn't it ?
    Was more medication more to "dope" the sufferers ? I know mum is difficult and can be so nasty . I just wonder why ? Is their previous good health good living had something to do with it ? It just seems that so many more reports of aggression seem to occur
  20. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    Ann sweetie, dear heart, as you've only got ONE Christmas pressy to buy, and you seem not to be busy..... Could you do my Christmas shopping for me as I only have ONE Christmas pressy out of 5 needed....

    :eek: Did you just call me a cheeky mare??

    :D :D

    Squishy one xxxxxxxxxxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

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