1. Kylie

    Kylie Registered User

    Dec 7, 2015
    18
    Devon
    Had a bad new year with mum, she got a aggressive for no reason didn't understand where she was or if was me. She punched and bite me and tried to push me down the stairs. Unfortunately with my family she had gone into a home it's lovely has animals and she seems happy. A very hard decision but I knew I didn't have the knowledge to keep her safe. I love her and want the best for her although I feel I failed her X
     
  2. Chaplin

    Chaplin Registered User

    May 24, 2015
    15
    Female
    Bristol
    Don't feel like you failed...

    Kylie, this must be one of the toughest decisions anyone caring for a loved one with dementia has to make. You must not feel like you have failed your mum, keeping her safe and putting her care above anything else is a brave decision. My mum is 81 and has mixed dementia, she is cared for by my elderly dad and supported by my sister and I. It is a daily struggle, managing a stressful full time job, my own home and giving them the care and support they need and deserve. I am sure this is a decision we will have to make soon and knowing my mum always said years ago she never wanted to go into a home makes the discussion almost impossible. You will hopefully get to spend quality time with your mum now, knowing that her care is provided by professional carers who are qualified in dealing with the ups and downs of this terrible disease.
     
  3. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    Oh Kylie - you haven't failed, love. You've been a brilliant, loving daughter who has kept her mother safe and cared for. Remember that your mother, when well, would never have wanted you to be in danger. *hug*
     
  4. Bill Owen

    Bill Owen Registered User

    Feb 17, 2014
    182
    BRIDGEND
    Did not fail

    hi you have not failed her .we all do the best we can .its the illness that beats has. It beats all of has .my wife has lewybody.been in hospitel from day one of decmber 2015.and is still in hospitel. Having to go to a home now can no longer look after her .it has beat me and will beat my wife soon .you can only so match. She only 62.
     
  5. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    Hello, you would have failed her if you had done nithing to get her to a place of safety. Now you get to be a daughter again andcothers can help with her personal care. My mum went into a nursing home last april. She is much happier and healthier than she was struggling to live at home. It can work if you find a good place. Yours sounds lovely. Big hug.
     
  6. Grable

    Grable Registered User

    May 19, 2015
    165
    We all fee we've failed, I'm afraid, because we can't make the people we care about better. What we do, however, is work like stink to make the best of a very bad job. I am currently 'failing' because I can see Mum would be much better off in a home where there are people about all the time, activities for her to participate in and food cooked for her, but I'm 'allowing' her to stay in her own home, where she wants to be, on her own and staring into space most of the day. Should I ever get her into that home, I will have 'failed' because I hadn't done enough to let her stay in her own home. Are you still sure you've failed? Nobody else on this forum, I suspect, would agree with you.
     
  7. Grable

    Grable Registered User

    May 19, 2015
    165
    #7 Grable, Jan 10, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2016
    Finding, funding and paying for personal care

    So sorry, Kylie! This was supposed to be a separate post - I didn't mean to hijack yours, but obviously clicked 'post a comment' instead of starting a new thread!


    Mum had an assessment at her house a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure who the assessor was, but seemed to be somebody from Social Services (arranged by my brother). The agreement was that Mum really needs somebody to go in once a day at this point to check that she's taking her pills and to sort out any day-to-day problems she may have. The likelihood is that she will need more care as her condition progresses, of course.

    As she has saved all her life, she has enough money to be self-funding, so the assessor gave us a list of people in the area (Derby) who act as carers and left us to it.

    My question is - what do we do next? Do you select a few of these people, contact them to see if they are available and interview them? Or is the interview not something you do? And how do you go about paying them? I assume there's NI contributions to be considered - and pension entitlement these days? Or are they considered to be self-employed?

    What I really need is a step-by-step breakdown of what to do now, and I have to say that I'm surprised we weren't given one at the assessment session. I know that lots of people on this forum have been through the situation, so would be grateful for any practical tips.

    Thanks, in advance!
     
  8. Kylie

    Kylie Registered User

    Dec 7, 2015
    18
    Devon
    Hi you are entitled to day care and night care if they feel it's needed, but people on here will be able to tell you more. My dad has his own home but it's not considered unless he sells it, he was offered care foc, its down to your mums savings if she has less than £23,000 if going in a nursing home, I believe the government fund help but if more you have to pay. If my dad sells the family home they take back the money for mums care.

    Which my dad is annoyed about they worked hard to get their home to give to us but the government take it away along with. The taxes they paid all their lives. Live your live don't safe cause the bs will take it.







     
  9. Kylie

    Kylie Registered User

    Dec 7, 2015
    18
    Devon
    Sorry should have said contact age concern they are great will help you with all the forms good luck
     
  10. Kylie

    Kylie Registered User

    Dec 7, 2015
    18
    Devon
    I'm so sorry Bill, it's hard for me as her daughter but worse for my dad, he is older 83 mums 76 but it still hurts him being away from her, his dog died last week, so he's very lonely, he said it's hard seeing silly things she did. My mum was in hospital for a while getting assessed she was released so she could spend Xmas with us. But we soon realised we couldn't cope. As you say it's the horrid condition don't feel bad you have to let them go to the best care possible and we arnt trained xxxxxx
     
  11. Kylie

    Kylie Registered User

    Dec 7, 2015
    18
    Devon
    Thank you everyone I just wished I could have cared for her. But she seems happy where she is even gave my dad a kiss yesterday first time in years lol. But I still miss her I don't have friends as moved a lot she was the only one I could talk to about my problems now I have no one. I. Just glad she seems happyish.
     
  12. Bika77

    Bika77 Registered User

    Jan 10, 2016
    6
    London
    You have not failed her! Not at all. If she had stayed with you for longer you would have been a lot worse off. It's terrible when they are aggressive but it's not them, it's the illness. My Dad once accused me of trying to poison him so I could get his money. I was devastated but the next day he was fine. It's such a horrible cruel illness and I'm sure the home is the best place for your mother and for you.
     

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