Father refuses to accept the seriousness of his dementia

[jackgoss]

Hello Everyone, I'm so grateful to have found this forum and hope to offer advice and experience when I can.

I'm 57 and the only child of a widower Dad who has dementia. I'd say he's in the middle stage of it. He is irrational and stubborn and is fighting mightily to maintain his independence. He lives alone with 60 hours of care a week. He insists on driving, and I've tried taking the keys from him but it provokes a terrible, almost violent reaction and he feels like I'm betraying him. He's never gotten into an accident so he says I have no right to take his keys away. He drives incredibly slowly and a lot less frequently than he used to. HIs doctor thinks he's ok. I don't know what to do.

 

[DaftDad]

My Dad is equally belligerent and lacking insight into his condition. After a driving disaster whereby he was found in a layby 3hrs drive from home, by the police in the wee small hours, we managed to sell Dad's car and he's now forgotten about driving. You could inform the DVLA that you don't think he's fit to drive and ask for an independent medical opinion. If you have PoA for health, you could either ask at the GP surgery for a different doctor to see him or contact social services and see if they know anything about getting an independent medical opinion. You could also speak to your local police force and see if someone like a community support officer could visit you both and almost frighten him into relinquishing his car. I know that sounds ridiculous, but my experience so far is that trying to do things in the way you'd expect with someone with full cognition, just isn't going to work. Subterfuge is my new middle name.

 

[Spottydog]

If your dad has an official diagnosis of dementia then the dvla and his insurance company need to be informed. If you are concerned about his driving you can do something called a third party notification to the dvla which is anonymous which should trigger a driving assessment. It's a big thing to not be allowed to drive so I can see why it's a sensitive topic for him but it's important that he is assessed as medically fit to carry on.

 

[Collywobbles]

In addition to informing the DVLA, it would be worth emailing his GP surgery, listing all of the things you observe, countering what he might be telling them. Especially the problems with his driving. If he’s getting 60 hours if care, presumably there must be some kind of official acknowledgement that he’s losing capacity. The GP might just need a reality check.

I let my mum’s surgery know that while my mum will tell them she cooks, shops, does all the housework and drives, in fact she does none of those things. She is absolutely convinced she does, so is very convincing to others.

 

[ingrid]

Hi @jackgoss, I’m in a similar situation - only child of a widowed Dad. This time last year I was also in exactly this dilemma about my Dads driving. He hadn’t had any accidents, but he drove so slowly it was also dangerous and his reactions and depth perception were ‘off’. He refused to accept this and was adamant he was still safe. In the end I did what others have suggested and made an anonymous report to the DVLA, and I did exactly what @Collywobbles suggested and sent a long email to his GP, listing all my concerns and observations about on his abilities and what I needed them to support me with - such as the driving problem. They were very good to be fair and the GP called me to talk it all over.
It took a couple of months, but the DVLA medical assessor revoked his licence in the end. He was NOT happy, it was very sad to watch, but I knew for the best. He even asked me to help him appeal and I said I wouldn’t. The guilt is/was immense and he doesn’t know I made that report to the DVLA..they never mentioned it. It didn’t feel good, I cried for an hour after I did it!
The car sat on the drive for 6 months, I didn’t push him, and in his own time he bought up the idea of selling it when it came time to renew road tax etc.
He still says he misses driving and I empathise, but he’s accepted it and I think is a bit relieved even, not to have the responsibility.
And it’s been a huge relief to me - I didn’t want to wait until he was in an accident to do something.
I hope you manage to sort things out soon, best wishes to you both 🙏🏽

 

[jackgoss]

thank you! i followed advice here and he’s starting to accept the change