1. joyportsmouth

    joyportsmouth Registered User

    Mar 26, 2007
    Hi All

    I need some advice please.

    As most of you will no my mum went in to a EMI home back in march,the staff were lovely and kept me informed all the time when i couldnt visit.On the day mum died the manager phoned me at 11.30 pm to tell me,as you can imagine the rest of the night just dragged on and on.
    First thing in the morning my daughter and i went over there with a bouqut of flowers to say thanks and to just chat things over.
    Whilst there i asked were mum was now(with hindsight maybe i shoulve asked when she phoned to tell me mum had gone) and the manager said a local undertakers had collected her and she gave me there phone number.I asked if this meant i had to use this firm and she said no ,i should contact the firm i wanted to use and they would take over.
    I wanted to use the firm i had used with my dad previously as i havent got any money and they were happy to let me pay monthly.(sounds terriable doesnt it)
    Anyway i cantacted the firm and made arrangements for them to collect mum and to go in and see them and make arrangements for the funeral.

    When i went in to see them they said that the first undertakers faxed them a bill for £175.00 for the time they had mum,well i was quite shocked at the amount and the fact mum had only been gone 4 days but said i would pay it but they would have to wait.
    Later that day he manager of the firm i was using phoned me and said he had spoken to the other undertakers and the care home on my behalf and he belived i wasnt responiable for the bill as if i had been asked what undertakers i wished to use they would have collected mum therselves and i wouldnt have been charged twice.To be honest i wasnt really that interested in this bill and didnt take much notice.
    That night my daughter and i went to the care home to collect mums stuff,as those of you with family in care homes no theres nothing of any value ,just personal things.
    When we got there the two staff working wouldnt let us in ,apparently the manager had said we were not allowed in to collect mums belongings.As you can imagine i was fuming,we ended up having to get the police and it took them over an hour of talking to the manager on the phone for her to agree to get mums stuff.
    When she eventually turned up at the home she still wouldnt let us in ,her and her staff just bagged mums stuff up in bags and practiclly threw it out the door.
    They even broke a vase of mums,not any value but what i brought her last xmas the last present i gave her that she would have understood about.
    I would have liked a few minutes in the room as well,that was afterall where she died.
    I have contacted social services and spoke to the inspector for the home,also the police have contacted me as the manager is complaining about them and the manager of the undertakers as well.
    Sorry this is so long but i wanted to explain it all properly and also ask where do i go from here.? see no point in writing to the care home as the person i would have to complain to is the one in the middle of it all.

  2. joyportsmouth

    joyportsmouth Registered User

    Mar 26, 2007
    Sorry just want to add ll this happened just four days after my mum had died.
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Joy,

    I can hardly believe what I have been reading. You seem to have been treated disgracefully.

    I can only suggest you write a formal complaint to the management of the home, detailing everything that happened.

    This is not the way anyone should be treated, especially someone recently bereaved.
  4. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    south lanarkshire

    I would endorse what Sylvia has said, but also, CC Care Commission and Social Services

    So sorry about your mother.

  5. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Can I third or is it fourth what everyone else has. This is absolutely appalling. You might also want to complain to the National association of funeral directors, or whatever they are called, although it seems as if it's the care home that is at fault, so the CSCI should be the first place to lay a complaint.

    Also, I don't know whether you've seen this http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTa...xCreditsAndOtherSupport/Bereaved_/DG_10018660

    In certain circumstances you may be able to get a payment from the Social Fund.

  6. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    Dear Joy
    what an awful ordeal for you .
    The home should have contacted you and asked if you wanted a particular funeral director.
    I agree with the advice already given,is the home one of a company,if so write to head office.
    Also C.S.C.I
  7. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    Your mum

    First of all my sincere condolences on the death of your mum.

    Secondly, do not let these insensitive bureaucrats stop you from dealing with you mum' funeral in a sensitive manner (which has certainly by now been held) and get a complaint registered. The way you have been treated is appalling.

    Much love

  8. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007

    Dear Joy,
    I agree with Sylvia, I still can't believe that someone could be so heartless. I am really sorry that you and your family have had to endure this. The ones responsible should be NAMED & SHAMED. I hope that peace comes to you soon. Take Care. Taffy.
  9. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Is the care home one of a group? If so, write a formal letter to the head of the group, giving all the circumstances [as you have above] and asking for a response.

    Since you won't be using the place again, you don't have to worry about offending them [though you shouldn't lay yourself open to litigation of any sort], so I'd be copying the letter to my local MP, to the local press, and to the national press.

    I would indicate on the letter where the letter is being copied.

    Those things, plus what everyone above has suggested.
  10. lovdn2

    lovdn2 Registered User

    Jul 24, 2007
    No, it was perfectly reasonable, funerals cost a fortune and if there is no life insurance, how else could most of us pay the bill?

    The advice already been given is excellent.

    I can't understand why you weren't asked for your choice of funeral company when your Mum was admitted to the home.

    I thought that was standard procedure, obviously not.

    You have every right to be angry, now is the time you should be grieving your loss, not having to fight yet more battles...........we have enough of those when our loved ones are alive, don't we!

    Thinking of you Joy

  11. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    To right your feeling angry , its disgraceful, evil, cruel .

    Good advice I would be going that also
    If you don't mind , I've left this link, you may know of it already http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTa...TaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/Bereaved_/index.htm

    In case your mother was on any benefits that can help you towards the funeral .
  12. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    leigh lancashire
    This is absolutley disgraceful.CSCI should be informed.As for the manager!well what a way to conduct themselves in such a sensitive situation.Not very professional is it?Trying to be sensitive here but were you not asked when mum went to the home to fill out an in case of death form expressing yours or her wishes if anything happened?If not then this is also a disgrace,staff at the home should be aware of your wishes and deal with them.I am absolutley appalled.sorry for your loss times a great healer.take care.elainex
  13. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Wigan, Lancs

    I agree with all the posts. You have been treated disgracefully. I cannot understand why the home did not ask you about your choice of undertaker when they first rang you. It seems to me that you have been embroiled in a dispute between the home and the first undertaker. As they rang the undertaker the home will be contractually liable for the bill, not you.

    Try to 'stand back' from what is essentially a dispute between the two of them, and try not to let the way the home is now acting make you forget that your Mum received excellent care.

    My sincere condolences on the loss of your mum, I'm just so sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of your loss.
  14. joyportsmouth

    joyportsmouth Registered User

    Mar 26, 2007
    Thanks for all your replys.

    The care home is family run,the manager is the one who banned me from going in,so writing to the care home isint really an option as ill only be writing to the person in question.

    The manager of the funeral directors that i actully used { sorry im not naming them but i thought it best not to} said he phoned a few other care homes and they all stated it is policy to ask when a person is admitted what arrangements there will be when that person does die.I was never ever asked this.

    I have spoken to the inspector for the home and he said he will be contacting them to ask what there policy is as it is expected this question will and should be asked on admission.

    I could understand all this a little more if i actully owed money to the care home direct or if i had actully spoken to the manager myself and refused to pay but i havent.

    I have wrote to the local papers,and i will write to my MP.
    I will also keep you all informed of hoew i get on.

    Thanks again
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Good for you Joy.

    At least writing the letters will give you something constructive to do. I hope you get some results.
  16. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Hi Joy, I hope that somehow, this will be, all behind you soon and you'll be able to find some peace of mind. I'm glad that you didn't let this matter slide as your actions may well stop this from happening to someone else. Best Wishes. Taffy.
  17. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    Could it be, and this is only a suggestion, that the care home manager is on a retainer by the funneral company ?
  18. joyportsmouth

    joyportsmouth Registered User

    Mar 26, 2007
    Thanks for all replys.

    I to think thaty maybe the care home and the funeral home have a 'agreement'. A lot of people would probably not bother using a diffrent funeral directors , and the manager probably does get some kind of commission if thats the right word.

    Have not heard back from anyone yet ,will let you all know as soon as i do.

  19. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004

    Thank you for 'flagging up' this issue . I have not been asked any questions relating in any way to Lionel's death............yet we know this will come at some stage.

    I can only try to put myself in your position, and fail. Hope you mangage, through your own strength and tenacity, to get a resonable solution.

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