Siblings provide little help for carer brother

[sotontom]

I've not posted here in a long time. I've been caring for my mother with dementia for several years now. Two of my siblings live close by, but aren't much help when it really matters. We have a mix of paid and family carers, but that doesn't always help...like the other day when I got sick. The paid carer was there, but...

My brother wasn't working that day and said he"didn't have time" to go with me to the doctor because he was having a sale at his house. I found a friend who was available. Turned out to be a minor illness.

I know the siblings have some priorities they think are important...I've learned over the years that my mum and I come way down the list. I've reluctantly accepted that.

Here's what got to me last night when I talked with my sister who lives out of town. I told her my brother had no time to help me and didn't call to see how I was after the doctor visit. My sister's comment stunned me: "Well didn't he help you last time you were sick by taking you to the doctor?"

Maybe he thought he "helped" me several months ago so he wasn't obligated now?

 

[marsaday]

Hello,
Sorry to hear about your trouble with brothers. It's very common on here.
Sometimes you just have to face facts that other siblings do not want to be involved at all in caring. It is a very personal thing.. I have 2 brothers and before my Mum went into care 1 helped out quite a bit and the other not at all. I knew though that if she hadn't gone into care the burden was going to fall more and more on me. I had always said Mum would never live with me. Not only would my family not have wanted that but I couldn't have done it. But if I had given in I know I would have been left with very little help from either. And I would have had to go begging for help from them.
The more you read on here about siblings the more you realise that there is no point relying on them for help. Some will and some won't. And there is probably no way they are going to see your point of view. They may believe your mum should be in care and therefore don't feel they should help or they may just be selfish and taking advantage and have got used to you doing the lion's share.

Were they all in agreement about you and Mum living together?

 

[marsaday]

Sorry just realised the issue was with taking you to the doctor's and not with minding your mum. Still issue is that they are not helping.

Maybe in your brother's mind 1 visit to doc months ago is enough. Some men after all rarely ever go to their doc. He might've really thought that a few months was a short time ago.