My mum and dad have been 2 years at the same care home, though recently were separated, with mum moved to the dementia wing (not before time). She had been pretty bad with dad, who was still alert mentally though in physical pain, and was finally seen hitting him. When it was clear he was dying, we brought her over so they could see one another. She was initially moved and concerned by his condition, but after a while resumed her usual fixations, and was taken away 'for a cup of tea'. She apparently settled again quite quickly. What should be do about telling her - if at all? She used to be extremely dependent on dad, and could hardly bear him out of her sight - though wasn't very nice to him! This aspect has certainly lessened, but if I visit her she will almost certainly bring him up at some point. It feels wrong not to tell her, but presumably she will become very upset and then may forget again. Does anyone have any advice/experiences? PS. I live a long way away, so can only visit in infrequent bursts. Other people also visit, though, and we need to advise them on what to do or say.
Should we tell mum that dad has died?
- Thread starter glasgowgirl
- Start date
Ask the staff around her, how they think she will take the news.
A non commital answer from you, may be when asked, "Have you seen Dad" would be "No I've not seen him for while." perfectly true, and accurate.
This was the sort of answer that kept my father happy, when asking if I had seen his parents, who had both been dead for 40 years.
Bod.
A non commital answer from you, may be when asked, "Have you seen Dad" would be "No I've not seen him for while." perfectly true, and accurate.
This was the sort of answer that kept my father happy, when asking if I had seen his parents, who had both been dead for 40 years.
Bod.
I agree with @Bod ...my dad died in mums early stages but even then it was difficult as she was both in shock and struggling with early stage dementia. As time went by I realised it was no longer best to tell her and in the end she would ask if he was away which he was in their younger days with the Royal Navy. Its best to let go of what we think and feel personally and think about how it feels re-hearing the news as if it was for the first time if its apparent they no longer can recall what has happened.
Thanks ,Bod. I am heading down (Scotland to London) again on Monday and will try and have a word with the staff face to face before seeing her. I did ask them by email if they had any advice/suggestions, but haven't heard anything yet. It is an unanswerable question really - sometimes think I would just be telling her for my own sake - to know that I'd done 'the right thing'. Other timesI feel that not telling her would be for my own sake too - avoiding the issue! A tangle of conflicting thoughts. My brother is inclined to say nothing, but then he doesn't see her much and would rather forget the whole thing!
Thanks for this. My feelings veer from one side to the other. But I will be down at the Home at the start of the week and will try again to see what the staff think. They are the ones who will be left with the fallout, to some extent. But to say nothing feels like denying their 70 years of marriage.
70 years of marriage will still be there but not as you know it, but as your mum remembers and retains it. There's a good youtube video that explains how more immediate memories fall away in dementia:
If you think it would benefit or enhance her quality of life to 'know' the true facts (but then forget) then tell her. But I don't see that there is anything positive that could come out of it. Best to follow the advice above and, if she does ask about him, either be non-commital or come up with a plausible reason why he is not around. The person that she is picturing/asking about may well be your dad, but as he was many years ago.
hi @glasgowgirl
you mention
" to say nothing feels like denying their 70 years of marriage."
maybe turn that around ... to say nothing will allow your mum to hold onto any good feelings she has of those years without a grief that she may well be no longer able to process ... if told, she may retain a feeling of upset concerned with her husband but not the reason for it, which may cause more distress, especially if she may insist on seeing him to check ..
I honestly think 'love lies' or stretching the truth (as Bod suggests) is kinder on her, though tough on you
you mention
" to say nothing feels like denying their 70 years of marriage."
maybe turn that around ... to say nothing will allow your mum to hold onto any good feelings she has of those years without a grief that she may well be no longer able to process ... if told, she may retain a feeling of upset concerned with her husband but not the reason for it, which may cause more distress, especially if she may insist on seeing him to check ..
I honestly think 'love lies' or stretching the truth (as Bod suggests) is kinder on her, though tough on you
Thanks all. Tbh, I feel a bit sick with nerves about it all. And guilty because I don't live close and can't go in on a regular basis. But advice very gratefully received. More later ...
