1. Zadok

    Zadok Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    68
    Kent
    After much thought we have chosen a residential home which seemed the best placewe could for my mother who had been living alone with a great deal of support but who wasn't always happy. She had stopped being able to do things for herself.
    Anyway, we took her last Friday and she has a lovely bed sit with all her things, photos etc. (Although she doesn't recognise the photos anymore.) The staff have been lovely every time we've been. They say she will settle after two weeks.
    Last Tuesday I had to return lots of things she'd taken from other residents rooms! Today she hadn't taken anything but cried that she was unhappy and wanted to leave. She talks about her mum, though, and the house she left 50 years ago. She doesn't seem to refer to the house she left last week.
    Nothing is real, despite the presence of a very large jolly chef she insists she cooks all the meals herself!
    How long do I keep her there, a place that I was so sure was right for her, before trying her back in her own home with the carers dropping in as before. Or will she not recognise that place again?
    Has anyone else advice on how their relative has settled?
    Zadok
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,664
    Kent
    Hi Zadok,

    I know how hard it is to watch your mother in her new home and to hope so much she`ll settle and be happy.

    Give her time to settle. It would be dreadful if you took her home and she didn`t recognize it. Then you would be in a worse position than ever.

    The most you can hope for, to put your mind at rest, is your continued good feeling about the home, and the staff, and so the care your mother is getting.
     
  3. Zadok

    Zadok Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    68
    Kent
    thanks

    Thank you for the two quick replies. You, more than the cup of tea have made me feel a little calmer as I sit here!
     
  4. allylee

    allylee Registered User

    Feb 28, 2005
    180
    west mids
    Hi there,
    Im in almost a simliar situation to yourself. MY mum went into care last Thursday, and the first few days were awful, more for me than mum, I think! Like your mum "home " is somewhere she lived 45 yrs ago, not the house she just left.I beat myself up too, that I should bring her home.
    Yesterdays visit, she asked when she was moving into care(Ive been honest all through with her), and had no recollection of moving.
    I have to say too, that mum looks five years younger! She was in such a high anxiety state at home, always fretting and wandering, the frown lines have gone and she looks so relaxed.
    Stick with it, its a really hard adjustment to make , but Im beginning to see that this was most definitely the right thing for my mum, asnd above all shes safe now.

    Love
    Ally xx
     
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,664
    Kent
    Dear Ally,
    What good news about your mum. It must make you feel so much better to see how relaxed she is in her new home.
    Now you know you`ve done the right thing, all the worry will have been worthwhile.
    I just wish it could be like that for everyone.
    With love
     
  6. j.j

    j.j Registered User

    Jan 8, 2007
    91
    hello zadok
    we are in the same situation as yourself mam went into a nh two weeks ago and we are in turmoil wondering if we have done the right thing. like your mum our mam does not mention her own home, and when we took her out for the first time her shoes were missing so my brother and myself had to go back to her home for another pair, we realised this may of been distressing so parked away while brother went to get shoes, we could see her flat and i observed her to see if there was any recognition, i think she knew the area she was in but certainly didnt know her house, it was so sad, our mam has virtually no short term memory, it must be an awful kind of limbo if they do,nt remember thier own home and can,t identify the nh as a home either. for us we are going to stick with it for now but its so hard to know what is the right thing to do.

    jan
     
  7. Zadok

    Zadok Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    68
    Kent
    I'm going to see her tomorrow!

    Hello Jan,
    It is good to know someone else understands. I think I change my mind every half an hour about whether mum is better off in the home or at home!
    I'm going tomorrow with my daughter and son in law for company. They haven't seen the home yet so I'll be eager to see what they think.
    Zadok
     
  8. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    Dear Zadok,
    My Mum went into a Care Home last June and was very happy there and she felt safe and well cared for. It was a relief to know there was 24 hour supervision and her room was just like a studio flat. When she fell and broke her hip, a workman on the landing heard her calling and help was on hand immediately. If she'd been at home, she may have been lying on the floor for a long time, if she hadn't had access to her alarm pendant.
    Unfortunately she couldn't stay in the Care Home and had to move to a Nursing Home and she took months to settle, crying for hours on end. She is reasonably settled now and has made a good friend and likes the staff. Even now she asks when she is going home, but I think this is part of the condition.
    There comes a time when people are not safe or happy living in their own home, and a care or nursing home may be the best solution. I think you probably know what will be in your Mum's best interests in the long run, even though it can be a difficult decision to make.
    I hope your Mum settles down and is happy in her new home.
    Best wishes
    Kayla
     
  9. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Thinking of you at this very difficult time. This IS the best place for her, I think you can rest assured. After all, she was no longer happy at home - and you obviously had concens about her ability to cope (even though she had a lot of help). I don't know if we ever fully reconcile ourselves to having our loved ones in care - there always seems to be a sense of guilt and possibly of personal failure - but it is important to remember that they are in care because they NEED to be. If a better solution presented itself, we would have taken it. But life doesn't always let us choose the ideal choice - we often have to make the best of things.

    I'm only saying all this because I truly feel for your despair in knowing whether or not you've made the right decision. I think you can rest easy in the knowledge that, while it may not be perfect, it IS the best place for your Mum. Nell
     
  10. twink

    twink Registered User

    Oct 28, 2005
    265
    Cambridgeshire UK
    It is a horrible time, my husband went into a home on Wednesday after almost 6 months on an assessment unit and the staff tell me he is pacing all the time and says he wants to go home. When he was at home he also wanted to go home and not knowing where he thinks home is is hard, I can't imagine what it's like for him. He has refused to let them wash and dress him for the past two days but thankfully he is eating. A nurse rang me last night and said they are really concerned because he's taking Diazepam and also Lorazepam and he is so tired he can hardly walk but he refuses to sit and they're afraid he is going to fall and hurt himself. They suggested I waited until tomorrow to visit when he went in on Wednesday and now they are asking me to leave it for a while longer as they think he will take it badly if I go and then leave hm. I'm taking their advice, I think they are right. I know he is in the right place, I just hope he settles down soon.

    Sue
     
  11. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Sue

    It's a very worrying situation for you, but I'm sure the staff are right, and your husband will settle in time.

    Try not to worry too much -- easier said than done, I know. Let us know how things go.

    Love,
     
  12. twink

    twink Registered User

    Oct 28, 2005
    265
    Cambridgeshire UK
    Hi Hazel,

    Thanks, I'm trying not to worry too much, don't know what I'd be like if I WAS a real worrier!!! Fortunately I tend to look on the good side of things but there doesn't seem to be any good sides to this awful disease does there. It is horrible isn't it, knowing, imagining what they are feeling and seeing them in your head but you can't do anything about it. I think the manager of the home told me that some people take about 3 weeks to settle in but I know Steve was quite a while before he settled on the assessment unit at the hospital and that was 6 months ago before he was as ill as he is now.

    He's in a fabulous home, it's got very good reports, it's in our home town and the staff all seem great. I've got a friend who's Mum was in there and she knows a lot about the place. Also Steve is in the under 65's unit so he is with younger people but then again, does that make a difference, when they have this illness, do they know whether people are old or young. He's 56 and was quite a few years younger than the people on the unit at the hospital and he was friendly with a lovely man who was 84.

    Love Sue
     
  13. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Sue

    I hadn't realised (or remembered) that Steve was so young. It makes it so much harder, somehow. My husband John was diagnosed at 66, so just missed the 'eary onset' diagnosis. He's 73 now, and I'm dreading the day he has to go into care. He relies on me so much.

    I'm sure Steve will settle. It will help if he finds a new friend. Keep us posted.

    Love,
     
  14. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,976
    Toronto, Canada
    Have patience, it can take a long time to settle

    Dear Zadok,
    Hang in there, it can take quite a while. It took my mother nearly 3 months to & there would still be the odd times she wanted to leave. My mother packed all her clothes every single day in in liners, whatever she could find. I would unpack her every single day.

    It takes time, patience and strength to tough it out but you will.
     
  15. Libby

    Libby Registered User

    May 20, 2006
    625
    North East
    Hi Zadok

    It's now 2 years since Mum went into a home after Dad died, and she still keeps taking about going home. Like your Mum, she refers to her home from when she was young, she's forgotten all about the bungalow they were in for 15 years, and even about the farm she lived on for about 40 years.

    Thankfully she has stopped packing her clothes into plastic bags - but only because we've learned not to leave any in her room! We've also replaced her very large handbag with a smaller one, though she frequently manages to pack pants, tights and skirts into it:confused:

    Although I hate the thought that Mum has to be in a home, I know it's the best place for her. It wasn't safe to leave her on her own, and this way, we know that someone is there 24/7 for her.

    Hope you and your Mum soon start to feel happier about the situation.

    Libs
     

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