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Scared he will die alone

undergroundbarb

Registered User
Jun 2, 2014
27
Walthamstow, London
Following on from last post, it's now too late to move him to hospice, everything other than pain relief stopped, he seems peaceful but I'm so scared that when time comes he will be alone. He's been moved to a two bedded ward and when I went to visit this afternoon the other patient was yellow and still and my first thought was that he'd passed away but I was to nervous to venture closer, his daughter arrived thirty minutes later and he had indeed passed away. I feel so guilty, I should have checked and called a nurse. But what then struck me was how often were staff checking the side rooms? The main ward had staff constantly up and down. My brother said the man was breathing at one o clock when they left for quiet time and I arrived at about three. I'm so scared that if something happens when we're not there it won't be noticed for a period of time and that we won't be contacted in time. At the moment dad is on two hourly obs, unable to call for help press buzzer or do anything. The more I think on it the more distraught I'm becoming, I haven't said anything to mum about my thoughts as her blood pressure is already sky high.


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Rathbone

Registered User
May 17, 2014
2,264
West Sussex
How on earth do I say to you that everything will be as it should, when I know exactly what you are telling us and that it would be impossible for you to think of your Dad passing alone? Except to tell you that I truly believe we are never alone at the time of our taking this next step on our journey. I do believe that at some subtle level, we are gathered up somehow and shown the way through. I do not mean in a physical sense, but in a spirtual one. I surely understand your own need to be by his side and I do so hope it is so. At a practical level, make sure the staff are checking and know of your wishes to be informed as soon as they suspect a change. Check too they have the right contact number for you - I was too late to be with my Mother because they misread my dial code by one digit and thought I was local when I lived 60 miles away. So I truly know what you are going through. X Loving thoughts :)
 
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Hannah1

Registered User
Apr 29, 2007
44
My father passed away a week ago. We were lucky enough to be at his side. It really was luck though. I had spent a week and 5 nights by his side and was also terrified that I wouldn't be there at that moment - maybe out for a cigarette or in the loo or whatever. Having been there with him as he took his last breaths, I can now say that the whole thing was so peaceful, he didn't seem scared or afraid or alone, and I think looking back that maybe my wish to be with him was more to do with me and my need for closure than with what he actually needed in that moment. He was fine - he was calm, on his journey, guided perhaps you could say… The suffering ended and he was free. I'm glad I was there and am grateful I had the opportunity, but I truly believe the process would have been the same for him had I not been there. So while I know it is very hard, try not to distress yourself too much over the death moment and think about why you feel like you need to be there, and how you might find closure in other rituals if you are not able to be with him when he goes. xxx love xxx
 

CJW

Registered User
Sep 22, 2013
212
I read somewhere that often people prefer to die alone and seem to wait for loved ones to leave the room. there are also so many stories about people waiting to see a loved one before they pass. I take comfort in the idea that the person does have some control and choose when they feel ready and happy to finally leave. My father died when I was out of the room and I know this was what he wanted. I had spent the hours before holding his hand and wonder if my letting go somehow allowed him to let go....tons of love...
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
8,612
leicester
I was with my Mum, but all the family were there for her sister and she waited till there was no-one there, a matter of minutes.

Some things just have to be.
 

krissymc

Registered User
Sep 24, 2012
75
im so sorry to hear about your dad, we was in the same situation with my mum last year, she was sent to hospital from the CH because she wouldn't eat or drink, the doctor was very harsh and just said to me, you do realise she won't get any better so there is no point in us doing any tests, we will just make her comfortable. She was just shoved in a side ward the furthest away from the nurses station and nobody checked on her once for 4 hours, but they wouldn't let me stay past visiting hours, I contacted her CH home and begged them to take her back, eventually they agreed and she died peacefully 3 days later in the night with me by her side. I was going to complain about the hospital but didn't wish I had,you should be able to visit whenever you want and even stay over.