My husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia today. We have had a rocky relationship for a considerable time and I was on the point of leaving him but knew there was something wrong and I do care about him. Despite obstructive GP's, his denial, endless rows and hidden appointment letters I eventually managed to get a diagnosis. I now seem to be automatically cast in the role of his carer, I have not agreed to this or made a decision to be his carer so what are my options? I am emotionally & physically exhausted.
Hello Wolf, so sorry to hear of the situation you and your husband are now in, it is very similar to mine, and I too find it hard to cope with the "but he/she was my beloved partner so I care" point of view. I wish he had been, it might have made things easier. The assumption is of course that if you are partners, you will care. I made the same assumption myself - with much anger, depression, resentment, sense of unfairness and fear. There didn't appear to be any other option. I don't know if there was.
Nearly four years after diagnosis I am still here. His condition is not hugely changed, he doesn't actually DO anything other than stare into space unless I take him out or organise something for him, and his memory for immediate things is almost non-existent, but one very good and strange thing has happened. He used to be a very aggressive, bullying person, I accused him of sucking the joy from my life in the past, but since this Alzheimers business, he has got nicer. Everyone we know has noticed. He is grateful for things done for him, meals prepared, outings etc, and although he still shouts and gets angry about some things, in a way he is a much easier person to live with. This helps. My daughters are very supportive (one lives abroad, one has a toddler and a baby, so neither in a position to do much physically, but always there on phone or Skype to talk ) so that helps too. Friends are very supportive of me, that helps.
As others have said, whatever else you do, sort out out your finances separately, power of attorney, whatever, while it is still possible and before you take any big decisions.
At the end of last year I began to get very low, in a real dark place, but someone told me about an on-line psychology service and that has been helpful in making me look at my situation and try to change a few things, and has so far had quite a positive effect on me. Friends are important. Continuing to do things that you want to do is important. Get all the help you can in whatever form it comes.
I'm so sorry you are in this sad and difficult situation. I am seven years younger than my husband, he is coming up to 73 now, I was 62 and had just retired when he was diagnosed. I had planned to travel, to do so many things that my husband had always refused to do while he was well, leaving him at home to get on with it. Financially, separation had not seemed possible, jointly owned house and him with almost no income (I had been main bread winner for many years, he was artist not earning much) but at least I thought I'd finally get to do something for me. Life is a bummer