Respite care/things happening fast now

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Grandaughter 1, Aug 5, 2006.

  1. Grandaughter 1

    Grandaughter 1 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2006
    Hi everyone,

    I posted before about Grandad being given day care and refusing to go. He got angry about it and was aggresive towards Nan.

    The other day my Grandad shoved the carer that comes in to wash him. He is refusing to let anyone touch him below the waist apart from Nan (defeats the object of the carer really).

    I don't know if the carer said something but the CPN visited unexpectadly and Nan asked about some Respite care which was agreed to immediately. It was offered for tomorrow but Nan said no as she wouldn't have time to pack and iron name lables in the clothes which was requested!

    Anyway, he is booked in for the 19th August for 1 week and 5 days.

    Can anyone share their experiences of respite and advise whether you told the person they were going in or just took them? We're worrying about getting him there as we have to make our own way (15 miles away). Grandad never leaves the house usually and after him getting angry about daycare, what are we going to tell him about respite and when? What if he won't leave the house?

    I'm sorry to ramble but my practical head is full of how to get him there and my emotional head is full of how awful we are dumping him somewhere he doesn't want to go - it must be so scary for him.

    Any advise/thoughts from people who have been through it would be gratefully received.

    Louise x
  2. mojofilter

    mojofilter Registered User

    May 10, 2006
    I picked my mum up from her third period of respite on Thursday... I told her that she was going to a hotel for a couple of weeks, just to give us both a break. There were no problems at all whilst she was there but they did manage to lose some clothes and her suitcase (everything was name tagged but they always seem to lose something along the way...... But I'm impressed with them losing a suitcase *lol*).

  3. taylorcat

    taylorcat Registered User

    Jun 18, 2006
    Hi, Louise. My Mum is in respite at the moment and has been for almost 2 weeks now. We were lucky in that she wanted to go. Once she was there she wanted to come home, every time we go to see her. However, when it comes for us to leave she is quite happy about staying. She changes her mind from one minute to the next but on the whole she seems to be quite enjoying it. Sorry I can't offer help on how to get your granddad there. I'm sure someone else will give some advice.
  4. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #4 Margarita, Aug 5, 2006
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2006
    My mother did not want to go one her first respite. I did have a bit of an argument with her which was point less .her main fear was that I was not going to bring her back so after I Reassured her that I was pick her up I just told her I needed a break .when taxi arrived mum went alone with it .

    second time I made mistake of telling mum to early so it played on her mind so told her I was not going then a few before I told her so she could say good bye to her friends at daycentre , she angina was not happy but went along with it once there she is fine.

    I do not ring anymore, as mum gets to confused that puts me on a guilt trip .I have another respite book for 2 weeks on 8th September & am not telling mum till a few days before . My mum has been in emergency respite & has been find about going , but if she knows I am staying home not going on holiday , just having a rest from her I know she does not like it because she feel hurt that I am at home with out her she feel like I do not want her around . we all know its not that so I am going to have to lie , not sure what lie but I shall make one up .

    Could you not say that Nan needs to go to hospital to have some kind of operation?
  5. pammy14

    pammy14 Registered User

    Dec 5, 2005
    When my sister goes for respite I only tell her a few minutes before we go. I say she is going to a hospital for a check up as she hasn't been too well and they want her to stay for a couple of days. She doesn't want to go but this seems to be a good way of getting her there . I say the doctor has told her she has to go. Once she is there she is OK and of course can't remember how many days she has been there when we fetch her home, in fact an hour or so later she doesn't remember going at all.
  6. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    We told my mother the truth, and she consented, but then she was still at an early stage and had a clear concept of it being only for 12 days. Others there had obviously been lied to but saw through the lies.
  7. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    Hi Louise,

    Going by your description of your Grandad, I would personally not tell him until the last minute, and then would try to keep everything light and jolly, like it's going to be a nice outing, and answer questions with as little detail as possible. If your Grandad starts to refuse, perhaps you can put the suitcase out of sight, have a cup of tea, change the subject and then try again. It's all trial and error, I'm afraid. If you can concentrate on the practical, it helps keep the emotional in check and then you'll be supporting your Nan too. In my opinion, omitting some of the details may be seen as lies but what is the point of making a difficult situation worse for everyone involved? Good luck and let us know how it goes.

    Paul -
    - yes, quite some feat to lose that, even by normal standards! :rolleyes:
  8. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    My husband was told about upcoming respite, and went into total anxiety mode, interspersed with absolute refusal to go. He did go in the end, but the previous week was an absolute nightmare. When, after that, day care one day a week was arranged at a different home where he can also go for respite, he was not told about this in advance. He had visited this second home, and his Alzheimers Support befriender took him. The day care manager was outside waiting and greeted him and in he went, with the befriender telling him I would pick him up at 4. He does not appear to mind going very much, although says he would rather not, and it does mean by the time I go away for a week in September he will find the surroundings there familiar. I am not going to say anything about him staying there for respite until the day he goes.
  9. Grandaughter 1

    Grandaughter 1 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2006
    Hi guys

    Thanks very much for your expereinces/views.

    Well my Mum and Uncle seem to be of the opinion that they are not going to say anything till the last minute and are then going to say he has an hospital appointment as he is always forgetting that sort of thing anyway. I don't know how they're going to explain the suitcase when he get's there mind you. Mum even thinks that Nan shouldn't go and that my Uncle should take him.

    Will the respite place still take him if he is unaware he is staying and why? I'm just a bit concerned if he get's angry and try's to walk out - what is the practice then?

    Mum is trying to book Nan a weeks holiday but I for some reason don't feel happy about that at all. It's almost like it's one step to abandonment too far!

    Can anyone tell me what the general advice is re: visiting. Is it encouraged or discouraged - I was wondering what is best for Grandad. I keep thinking of him sitting in the respite hospital all confused, scared and alone.

    Sorry for asking more questions but it's preying on my mind an awful lot. As much as I love my Nan, everyone seems to be trying to detach themselves from Grandads feelings which I don't know if this is good or not!

    Many thanks for "listening"

    Louise x
  10. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    Hello Louise

    The home Mum went in advised no close family to visit for a week or so.

    An aunt volunteered to go in daily for the first couple of weeks and then we visited one at a time spreading visits out so most days, someone who knew Mum went, we telephoned each other to let everyone know how things were.

    I can honestly say I missed Mum terribly for those couple of weeks, but as Dad died during that time, maybe it was worse for me than it would otherwise have been.

    The home are probably the best ones to advise you, so ask them as many questions as you can think of.

  11. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    I visited my mother twice during that 12 days in the respite place, they allowed visitors except at meal times, my brother and a friend also visited once each.

    I had to take her 2 days before for "assessment", and they questioned us (my mother and me) together, so there could be no question of lying about the place, or about why she was going there, also she knew about the place beforehand, from neighbours etc.

    Staff were clearly expecting her to go in there for lots of respite breaks before going into permanent residential care.

    She seemed so much better then, both before and after going in there, and physically and mentally better than most of the others in there.
  12. Grandaughter 1

    Grandaughter 1 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2006
    I'm sorry but i feel the need to offload as today is the day Grandad goes to Respite.

    I am sitting here a bag of nerves wondering if it will go ahead. Nan is going to tell Grandad first thing that he has an hospital appoitment and he might have to stay over. I'm dreading what his reaction will be. Nan is very very stressed and doesn't think today will actually happen.

    I'm staying at home out of the way and Mum or Nan is going to phone when/if he goes into respite ok.

    I just wish today was over already!:( I've never felt such a mixed bag of emotions.... guilt, sadness,anger,fear,angst. Aaaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
  13. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    Hope he'll be OK about it and give your Nan a bit of peace.
  14. ng03111

    ng03111 Registered User

    Aug 18, 2006
    Fareham, Hants
    I have just gone through some of the emotions you describe. My mother has just completed a 3 week respite stint. I found it difficult to visit her in the home, and managed only one visit a week. I have a cavalcade of excuses why i didnt go very often but I think it was the shock of seeing her in a house full of other dementia patients.
    I take solace in the fact that I and the rest of the family concentrated on giving my dad a fantastic break. Visits to relatives, a trip to the motor show, even simple things like going to the town centre and idling around the shops gave such great pleasure.
    As much as you obviously love grandad please take this opportunity to put years back into nan's life. Grandad will be superbly looked after I am sure.:)
  15. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Grandaughter,
    I can only echo what has been said.
    Grandad will be well cared for. Remember, you have two grandparents; unfortunately dementia is taking hold of your grandad, no matter what you do it will run its course. Your nan's life though can be made a little easier for a short time; we all need to feel loved and important, take this opportunity to show that for a short time it is nan's health and wellbeing that you are putting first - she deserves that after all she is doing for your grandad.
    It won't make your guilt and confusion and sadness at grandad being alone with strangers, go away, but I found it helps me to manage it. And I am sure that if your grandad understood, he would be prepared to do this for your nan, for her well being; so you are helping him to do the thing that he would want to do.
    Let us know how things go today.
    Love Helen
  16. Grandaughter 1

    Grandaughter 1 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2006
    Hi all, it's me again and I feel emotionally wretched.

    Grandad is now in respite. Mum and Uncle said it was awful as Grandad got very agitated and stressed. We'd told him he was going in for a few days but he soon realised when he got to the home what was going on. He said he didn't want to stay. He asked if he was staying overnight or longer so my Uncle told him straight that it was for 11 nights and it was so Nan could get some sleep. Apparantly Grandad turned round and said "well so do i" !!

    In the end my Uncle told him to do it for Nan and he grudgingly agreed but was still agitated. In the end they had to leave as the carers said it was best.

    Both my Mum and Uncle are in bits but amazingly Nan seems to be OK now. She's had a huge lunch whereas no-one else could face eating. I don't know what we're going to do from here and if Nan is going to phone later or just leave it for now.

    WHAT A DAY ......."sigh"
  17. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    Hello grandaughter

    You obviously love your grandad to bits, of course you feel sad.

    Focus on the fact that he is safe and looked after at the moment and your Nan is having a well earned break to recharge her batteries.

    You uncle will feel bad as it doesn't seem right to speak to your parents the way we sometimes have to when we are trying to help out.

    I remember when my own Grandad had AD and my uncle had to physically restrain him to stop him hurting Nan, he sobbed afterwards and said how bad he felt having to do that to his own father, it is not a natural way to behave, but it had to be done.

    I am sure that your Grandad will be OK, if there is a major problem, the home will soon let your Nan know, won't they.

    Try and use these few days to spoil your Nan a bit and have some fun.

  18. Grandaughter 1

    Grandaughter 1 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2006
    Thank you for all your lovely replies, you've made me cry. Just knowing someone is listening is a great help.
  19. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    Hi Grandaughter 1,

    Well done - at least that first time is over with, even though it has been very difficult for everyone, you will gradually learn different ways to handle your Grandad's reluctance.

    I am sure the home would not mind if you or your your Mum/Uncle telephoned just to see if your Grandad settled ok (I expect he did.)

    I think your Nan seeming to be ok shows how much she really needs this break and must feel relief at not having all the responsibilty for a while. Now go and have a cupp of tea and something to eat for yourself! {{hugs}}
  20. Grandaughter 1

    Grandaughter 1 Registered User

    Jan 17, 2006
    Hi all, just a little update.

    Nan phoned the home last night and they said Grandad has calmed down and eaten some food, however he refuses to come out of his room. Anyway at least I know Nan has had one nights good sleep without Grandad disturbing her!

    I still feel very tearful and anxious about "abandoning" Grandad but I keep telling myself it's for the best. Whether or not he'll last the full 11 nights I don't know as they said if he get's too agitated again then they'll phone.

    The amazing thing is my Nan. She got most upset when she didn't think we were going to get Grandad to stay and she is now like a new woman.

    She had a big pub lunch yesterday when no-one else could face eating, she had a big bath as she couldn't have them when Grandad was around. She is now off to her son's for sunday lunch today and going clothes shopping tomorrow! She just seems oblivious to all the upset from the family around her and is upbeat and full of energy which is lovely to see. I just hope she'll take Grandad back home!

    I'm going to visit Grandad tomorrow as I don't think my emotions will cope with going today (I do feel a bit bad about that)

    Best wishes to you all


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