I can fully empathise with you wishing to bring your husband home as I feel like this almost 50% of the day.
If your husband has been awarded CHC he has challenging behaviour (you can’t get funding unless they do) so I agree that it may be very difficult caring for him at home. If this behaviour settles then the CHC funding often ends too.
As you don’t have POA you legally cannot remove your husband from the home, sadly you (in the eyes of the law) have no rights to request any method of care your husband receives. If you tried to remove him you could even be removed from the premises by the police. As a wife you can discuss his care with the carers/manager but they are not legally bound to tell you anything.
Dementia is such a complex condition and symptoms are unique to each individual although types ie Alzheimers, Lewey body follow the same pathways. How your husband experiences his journey will be different than others. I’m saying this because you know your husband better than any of us giving advice. Personally I don’t agree with the visit less approach, all this does is save you the emotional distress as the ‘not seen, doesn’t happen’ mindset. Yes you do need some time away to rejuvenate (and not feel guilty doing it) so you can cope with the next visit.
Home as some have mentioned may mean another place where your husband felt safe, warm, happy. It may not mean a place, it may be he needs the toilet, is hungry or thirsty. As his condition advances communication will become more challenging as he loses the ability to retrieve the correct words and non-verbal cues will become more apparent. Does the care home have a regular toileting regime as routine? By regular I mean every two hour check, guide to the toilet not every six hours changing as he may simply need to void. What a lot of people don’t realise is that incontinence doesn’t necessarily appear with dementia it is more the inability to recognise how to access the toilet or the ability to get there. I mention this as the home my husband is in only checks 6 hourly then changes, I am in a constant battle trying to get them to accept that his incontinence is due to their inability to notice/recognise/act on his non verbal cues as when I’m lucky to get carers to take him to the toilet he passes urine almost immediately. Often I think he would be better off at home, if he’s going to sit in wet pants/pads for hours he may as well at home! I know that I wouldn’t be able to hoist him and change him as he is in his final part of the journey and needs all care. If I didn’t visit very often I would be completely oblivious of his needs.
The truth is homes cannot deliver the care you would want for your loved ones, they do their best but as someone mentioned pay low wages and training is probably not as effective as it should be. This is no different for home care and as someone mentioned they can arrive at any time. They are often not given any travelling time between clients and times allocated are often not sufficient for the time some require.
I’d try talking to the Manager as someone mentioned but would say ‘good luck’ as I got nowhere when I spoke to the Manager at my husbands home.
Use the different tactics ie ‘home being decorated’ etc anything that would be feasible, I was just honest with my husband and told him that I can’t manage him at home due to my physical health which he accepted.
Have some photo books in his room and pictures on the wall (probably best option) for some familiarity so if he does wander into his room he’ll see them. Is there an activities co-ordinator at the home? Perhaps they can get him involved with some of the activities which would help him to gain a sense of ‘belonging’. Sometimes they will send you little videos to show how he is when you are not around, this may help to reassure you that he is ok.
It doesn’t get easier, I still cry and it’s been 18 months since my husband went into a home, as I suspect that the majority of us do. When the guilt is too bad have a day to yourself, it doesn’t make visiting easier but it helps you to cope. Hopefully your husband will soon settle into his new home.