Doesn’t one have to assume that carers are qualified and capable of using a hoist ?
Otherwise , I agree with you
It does sound challenging
I am just trying to think what’s best for him but it’s a nightmare
Removing husband from care home ?
- Thread starter Boutinette
- Start date
Otherwise , I agree with you
It does sound challenging
I am just trying to think what’s best for him but it’s a nightmare
This is horrible for you - and him - I think everyone on here "gets" that. But the very simple fact is you do not have POA - you are not in a position to make decisions about his health and welfare. If you were to try to take him home and it was deemed that he didn't have capacity to decide for himself what was best for him then his continuing care is completely out of your hands. He must have quite serious problems to be getting CHC - so it is unlikely that permission would be given for you to take him home. You could get into serious trouble if you decided to do so. I'm sorry.
I'm sure @Jools1402 will be along soon to explain, but from what you've said I really think things wouldn't improve. Ask your husband for more details about home and what he thinks life there will be like. As others have said he might not be referring to your home at all, and even if he is he'll soon be just as unhappy there as it the care home. I'm afraid it is the nature of the disease.
You've been given some good ideas about how to deflect the conversation. If they don't work, maybe don't visit for a few days and see if that breaks the cycle.
You've been given some good ideas about how to deflect the conversation. If they don't work, maybe don't visit for a few days and see if that breaks the cycle.
Mother in law fooled all the medics. She HAS capacity they said
Bullied everyone to get her home
Agreed to everything in the care plan just get me home !
Once she got home she had a dicky fit !!
Why is there a hospital bed in the middle of the lounge
What’s all that clutter (hoist)!!!
Phoned family.
Tell carer to come back I have decided I do want a wee after all Carer just left mum. Next one comes in four hours, just like you said was do able
In the end district nurses put her on an adult at risk register
The whole set up was unrealistic from the start
But the patient has capacity!!!!!!!!!!
Bullied everyone to get her home
Agreed to everything in the care plan just get me home !
Once she got home she had a dicky fit !!
Why is there a hospital bed in the middle of the lounge
What’s all that clutter (hoist)!!!
Phoned family.
Tell carer to come back I have decided I do want a wee after all Carer just left mum. Next one comes in four hours, just like you said was do able
In the end district nurses put her on an adult at risk register
The whole set up was unrealistic from the start
But the patient has capacity!!!!!!!!!!
Care companies pay not much, if anything above National Minimum Wage, often don't pay traveling time between calls.
Getting and retaining staff is a constant uphill fight for them.
The company may have a few "trained and experienced" staff, but there is a real chance they will not be regularly sent to you.
As said already, a morning visit, could be any time between 7am 11.30am, lunch 10.30-3pm etc.
They don't come "on call" when you need them, but at their convenience.
Such is the world of Care at Home.
Sorry to be the bringer of bad tidings, the advice given by others, may not be what you want hear, however the voices of experience have spoken.
Bod
I can fully empathise with you wishing to bring your husband home as I feel like this almost 50% of the day.
If your husband has been awarded CHC he has challenging behaviour (you can’t get funding unless they do) so I agree that it may be very difficult caring for him at home. If this behaviour settles then the CHC funding often ends too.
As you don’t have POA you legally cannot remove your husband from the home, sadly you (in the eyes of the law) have no rights to request any method of care your husband receives. If you tried to remove him you could even be removed from the premises by the police. As a wife you can discuss his care with the carers/manager but they are not legally bound to tell you anything.
Dementia is such a complex condition and symptoms are unique to each individual although types ie Alzheimers, Lewey body follow the same pathways. How your husband experiences his journey will be different than others. I’m saying this because you know your husband better than any of us giving advice. Personally I don’t agree with the visit less approach, all this does is save you the emotional distress as the ‘not seen, doesn’t happen’ mindset. Yes you do need some time away to rejuvenate (and not feel guilty doing it) so you can cope with the next visit.
Home as some have mentioned may mean another place where your husband felt safe, warm, happy. It may not mean a place, it may be he needs the toilet, is hungry or thirsty. As his condition advances communication will become more challenging as he loses the ability to retrieve the correct words and non-verbal cues will become more apparent. Does the care home have a regular toileting regime as routine? By regular I mean every two hour check, guide to the toilet not every six hours changing as he may simply need to void. What a lot of people don’t realise is that incontinence doesn’t necessarily appear with dementia it is more the inability to recognise how to access the toilet or the ability to get there. I mention this as the home my husband is in only checks 6 hourly then changes, I am in a constant battle trying to get them to accept that his incontinence is due to their inability to notice/recognise/act on his non verbal cues as when I’m lucky to get carers to take him to the toilet he passes urine almost immediately. Often I think he would be better off at home, if he’s going to sit in wet pants/pads for hours he may as well at home! I know that I wouldn’t be able to hoist him and change him as he is in his final part of the journey and needs all care. If I didn’t visit very often I would be completely oblivious of his needs.
The truth is homes cannot deliver the care you would want for your loved ones, they do their best but as someone mentioned pay low wages and training is probably not as effective as it should be. This is no different for home care and as someone mentioned they can arrive at any time. They are often not given any travelling time between clients and times allocated are often not sufficient for the time some require.
I’d try talking to the Manager as someone mentioned but would say ‘good luck’ as I got nowhere when I spoke to the Manager at my husbands home.
Use the different tactics ie ‘home being decorated’ etc anything that would be feasible, I was just honest with my husband and told him that I can’t manage him at home due to my physical health which he accepted.
Have some photo books in his room and pictures on the wall (probably best option) for some familiarity so if he does wander into his room he’ll see them. Is there an activities co-ordinator at the home? Perhaps they can get him involved with some of the activities which would help him to gain a sense of ‘belonging’. Sometimes they will send you little videos to show how he is when you are not around, this may help to reassure you that he is ok.
It doesn’t get easier, I still cry and it’s been 18 months since my husband went into a home, as I suspect that the majority of us do. When the guilt is too bad have a day to yourself, it doesn’t make visiting easier but it helps you to cope. Hopefully your husband will soon settle into his new home.
If your husband has been awarded CHC he has challenging behaviour (you can’t get funding unless they do) so I agree that it may be very difficult caring for him at home. If this behaviour settles then the CHC funding often ends too.
As you don’t have POA you legally cannot remove your husband from the home, sadly you (in the eyes of the law) have no rights to request any method of care your husband receives. If you tried to remove him you could even be removed from the premises by the police. As a wife you can discuss his care with the carers/manager but they are not legally bound to tell you anything.
Dementia is such a complex condition and symptoms are unique to each individual although types ie Alzheimers, Lewey body follow the same pathways. How your husband experiences his journey will be different than others. I’m saying this because you know your husband better than any of us giving advice. Personally I don’t agree with the visit less approach, all this does is save you the emotional distress as the ‘not seen, doesn’t happen’ mindset. Yes you do need some time away to rejuvenate (and not feel guilty doing it) so you can cope with the next visit.
Home as some have mentioned may mean another place where your husband felt safe, warm, happy. It may not mean a place, it may be he needs the toilet, is hungry or thirsty. As his condition advances communication will become more challenging as he loses the ability to retrieve the correct words and non-verbal cues will become more apparent. Does the care home have a regular toileting regime as routine? By regular I mean every two hour check, guide to the toilet not every six hours changing as he may simply need to void. What a lot of people don’t realise is that incontinence doesn’t necessarily appear with dementia it is more the inability to recognise how to access the toilet or the ability to get there. I mention this as the home my husband is in only checks 6 hourly then changes, I am in a constant battle trying to get them to accept that his incontinence is due to their inability to notice/recognise/act on his non verbal cues as when I’m lucky to get carers to take him to the toilet he passes urine almost immediately. Often I think he would be better off at home, if he’s going to sit in wet pants/pads for hours he may as well at home! I know that I wouldn’t be able to hoist him and change him as he is in his final part of the journey and needs all care. If I didn’t visit very often I would be completely oblivious of his needs.
The truth is homes cannot deliver the care you would want for your loved ones, they do their best but as someone mentioned pay low wages and training is probably not as effective as it should be. This is no different for home care and as someone mentioned they can arrive at any time. They are often not given any travelling time between clients and times allocated are often not sufficient for the time some require.
I’d try talking to the Manager as someone mentioned but would say ‘good luck’ as I got nowhere when I spoke to the Manager at my husbands home.
Use the different tactics ie ‘home being decorated’ etc anything that would be feasible, I was just honest with my husband and told him that I can’t manage him at home due to my physical health which he accepted.
Have some photo books in his room and pictures on the wall (probably best option) for some familiarity so if he does wander into his room he’ll see them. Is there an activities co-ordinator at the home? Perhaps they can get him involved with some of the activities which would help him to gain a sense of ‘belonging’. Sometimes they will send you little videos to show how he is when you are not around, this may help to reassure you that he is ok.
It doesn’t get easier, I still cry and it’s been 18 months since my husband went into a home, as I suspect that the majority of us do. When the guilt is too bad have a day to yourself, it doesn’t make visiting easier but it helps you to cope. Hopefully your husband will soon settle into his new home.
My husband is in memory care 4 months now. He was doing better but all of a sudden begs me to bring him home. It breaks my heart and gives me terrible guilt but I tell him the dr said he must stay there. He wants me to stay with him in his room. I just try to change the subject but it is so hard to see him upset. I often think maybe I should try to care for him at home but he relied on me to get him up and down, in and out of bed and me to constantly to help him. In this facili y he has to do for himself and he does it, but as soon as I am there he asks me to pull him up again. I see him every day but the caregivers (who are wonderful to him) tell me I should not come so often. This just makes for more guilt as I feel I am abandoning him. My heart wants to bring him home but my common sense tells me I should not.
