Reading through various messages on TP, and especially Norman's thread 'Tears' has made me wonder how many times we have all refused offers of help, or equally wished that someone would turn up and volunteer to help us out.
Most of the time we don't want to impose. Why do we hesitate to ask for help or a favour? Most people get a great kick out of being needed. Trouble is: there's horses for courses, and whilst I might be ok with my neighbour fetching a fresh loaf of bread, I would be less happy for her to be around when it is obvious that my husband needs 'personal care'.
Very few people know us (and AD) well enough to make the right offers. Would anyone be willing to share their ideas in this thread:
a) the most practical offers of help they have received
b) a wishlist of things they would be glad if friends/family volunteered for.
My most practical offer of help came from a true friend. We often used to spend time together, shared meals at each other's houses, as well as special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries etc. Since my husband has been housebound, they have been visiting us, and I have not minded preparing food. Last December my friend said "We would have loved it if both of you could have come to spend New Year's Eve at our house, but we know that this won't be possible. We have an alternative suggestion but you are free to say 'no' if you don't think it is practical....." This is what they did:
They came to our house late afternoon, armed with several boxes of food and utensils. They took over my kitchen, prepared the most wonderful Indian meal, ignored my husband's sundowning, and we had the most uncomplicated, memorable evening with food, drink and many a laugh. I was relieved of kitchen duties and able to concentrate on hubby, and I will never forget the effort they made to ensure that we had a special New Year's Eve!
My wishlist:
* For someone to mention when they are off to the supermarket, in case I am low on something (we live in a village and I only make time to drive to the shops once a week)
* For visitors to engage in a 'chat' with my husband when they are here, even if it turns out to be one-sided and they only talk about the weather/garden/etc.
* If someone is really willing to keep my husband company while I go and run an errand, could they please offer with a specific time/day, so that I can say yes/no and work around it? If they said for example "I could take Fred for a walk on Saturday morning" (or similar), I could then make a positive response such as "great, that would give me time to take the garden rubbish to the tip". I could then be organised to make the most of that 'hour' (or whatever), and that would be 'real help'.
* For friends to persevere: not every visit is comfortable and a success, as the moodswings of AD sufferers are unpredictable. I hesitate to invite people, as I worry that a pre-arranged time might turn out to be awkward if hubby is agitated or needs 'personal care' etc. However, I am always happy for people to drop in, bring us a breath of fresh air, a bit of their world and their lives, as long as they accept that we cannot always be the perfect hosts these days .....
OK. I'm done. It's everyone else's turn now - that's if you haven't all fallen asleep over my rambling lines .........
Most of the time we don't want to impose. Why do we hesitate to ask for help or a favour? Most people get a great kick out of being needed. Trouble is: there's horses for courses, and whilst I might be ok with my neighbour fetching a fresh loaf of bread, I would be less happy for her to be around when it is obvious that my husband needs 'personal care'.
Very few people know us (and AD) well enough to make the right offers. Would anyone be willing to share their ideas in this thread:
a) the most practical offers of help they have received
b) a wishlist of things they would be glad if friends/family volunteered for.
My most practical offer of help came from a true friend. We often used to spend time together, shared meals at each other's houses, as well as special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries etc. Since my husband has been housebound, they have been visiting us, and I have not minded preparing food. Last December my friend said "We would have loved it if both of you could have come to spend New Year's Eve at our house, but we know that this won't be possible. We have an alternative suggestion but you are free to say 'no' if you don't think it is practical....." This is what they did:
They came to our house late afternoon, armed with several boxes of food and utensils. They took over my kitchen, prepared the most wonderful Indian meal, ignored my husband's sundowning, and we had the most uncomplicated, memorable evening with food, drink and many a laugh. I was relieved of kitchen duties and able to concentrate on hubby, and I will never forget the effort they made to ensure that we had a special New Year's Eve!
My wishlist:
* For someone to mention when they are off to the supermarket, in case I am low on something (we live in a village and I only make time to drive to the shops once a week)
* For visitors to engage in a 'chat' with my husband when they are here, even if it turns out to be one-sided and they only talk about the weather/garden/etc.
* If someone is really willing to keep my husband company while I go and run an errand, could they please offer with a specific time/day, so that I can say yes/no and work around it? If they said for example "I could take Fred for a walk on Saturday morning" (or similar), I could then make a positive response such as "great, that would give me time to take the garden rubbish to the tip". I could then be organised to make the most of that 'hour' (or whatever), and that would be 'real help'.
* For friends to persevere: not every visit is comfortable and a success, as the moodswings of AD sufferers are unpredictable. I hesitate to invite people, as I worry that a pre-arranged time might turn out to be awkward if hubby is agitated or needs 'personal care' etc. However, I am always happy for people to drop in, bring us a breath of fresh air, a bit of their world and their lives, as long as they accept that we cannot always be the perfect hosts these days .....
OK. I'm done. It's everyone else's turn now - that's if you haven't all fallen asleep over my rambling lines .........