Put my mum into a home or keep going at home?

[dixie f]

Long story short - myself, husband and my brother help care for my mum who has Alzheimer's - 6 years in now- in her own home. We were going to put her into a home on Wednesday but we were rather shocked by it when we visited it a week ago. We have since found 2 other homes which appear much better.

However the amount of money we would spend for a home we could provide much more care to keep her at home and take the burden off ourselves. We recently went away for a week and her carer did say she missed us and was asking after us - which I was surprised at.

As I work as well I have a schedule of day centres/carers and friends in place. As nice as though the homes look I know that my mum will not get the one on one care she currently gets.

When we took her to the home we were originally going to put her in she got extremely agitated and wanted to leave.

My mum's mobility has diminished. If she isn't watched she will go to the toilet all over the house. We have to direct her when she goes to the toilet and struggles with basic directions.

Myself, husband and brother have all had it now. My instinct is to keep her in the home and pile in the support. However my husband has already gone above and beyond the call of duty. We have young children too. I know the question is to balance my mum's needs and those of my own family. I can't make that judgement. I know my mum will eventually go into a home as we could not cope if her movement becomes severely restricted - but that could be years off???

She doesn't recognise her own home but I think she does know more often than not that it is her home because we're all around her.

Any thoughts gratefully received.....

 

[Brecon]

Your story is so true but sad as well. It is a very difficult decision for you and your family to make on behalf of your mum and I know I am looking at the moment at Assisted living for my dad. He is only a year or so into earlier dementia but I am under no illusion that it will get worse over time.

Have you thought about live in care - if you private message me I can let you have details of two companies of know of. One which I use as a companion service for my dad and they are excellent. The cost of the live in care is no more than residential and she gets to stay in her own surroundings with one-one-care 24/7

Happy to provide details for you.

 

[dixie f]

Thank you for your email.

It's slightly more complicated. We are trying to buy my mum's house. The only way she can pay for her care is to sell the house. By us buying it she can stay here and we can pay for the extra care. To be honest we don't really want anyone else living here. However a carer we use already is willing to pitch in more.

I had thought that even though it wouldn't be 24/7 it would be enough to get us through the day. However the last couple of nights she has been wandering - I found her trying to go to the loo on the stairs at 5am. She hasn't been that bad at night for some time so I had hoped that we could cope with the nights as long as we get extra help in the mornings to get her up/washed and dressed and to sit with her in the evenings so we wouldn't have constantly disrupted evenings when we're trying to relax.

 

[min88cat]

I hope you have explored the possible future problems that could crop up if you haven't taken proper legal advice about purchasing your Mum's house.

If she is seen to be 'disposing of assets' to avoid the future costs of CH fees, you could find yourselves homeless.

 

[Brecon]

Another way would be assisted living where she would own her own flat / rent it and have 24 hour care onsite - your social service people should have some in your local area or there are some companies who build flats for this purpose.

It is difficult re the house purchase with such changes in the law these days about you not being able to pass the house onto your children anymore as you need it to pay for your care.

You must remember though - even though you love your mum so much, as I do my dad you too have a life to lead. You can still be part of their caring even if you put things in place for them.

It has been particlarly difficult for me to come to terms with my dad's illness as my mum died suddenly last year and this is when we noticed there was a problem - mum had covered it up and not said a word, and I have still not really had time to grieve for my mum with all that happened with dad. As an only child the pressure is immense as it is for everyone who has a relative with dementia - but you need time and space for you as well and your own family.

Hope this helps and good luck.

 

[dixie f]

Yes - we have sought legal advice re the purchase.

Re assisted living - would that mean someone with her at all times?

 

[min88cat]

Assisted living means that there are carers on site, who make visits. I have never heard of anywhere (other than CH or NH) where someone is there 24/7.

 

[Brecon]

Yes - we have sought legal advice re the purchase.

Re assisted living - would that mean someone with her at all times?

There are different levels of care offered dependent on your mum's needs from as little as a couple of visits a day to more intensive care. With the schemes that you can purchase it goes from low to high dependency care depending on what is needed well worth looking into as another option.

If you want details of schemes private message me - happy to help if I can.