Power of attorney advice welcome

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Amazing Annie 2, Feb 8, 2015.

  1. Amazing Annie 2

    Amazing Annie 2 Registered User

    Jul 7, 2014
    I am new to the forum so hello, this seems like a really helpful place.
    My dad was diagosed with AD nearly a year ago and mum and dad are seeing a solicitor soon to set up LPA which I'm so glad they are doing. They have spoken about having me (50) and my sister (46) involved.
    Th e problem is that we both have really different styles of managing things with my parents. My sister is dead practical, solution focussed and has loads of really good ideas, she lives 3 hours away comes up every few months and basically does loads of good stuff and then leaves my parents tired, exhausted and frazzled. She is very controled in everything she does and very risk averse. Their relationship with her has had a few problems over the years with them not speaking at times as her husband is pretty hard to be with.(reallly rigid, unkind at times)

    My relationship is closer with both, and my mum confides in me alot, I'm 75 mins away and my priority is their dignity and doing things at their pace which means doing things too slowly for my sister. We have noticed that dad hasnt been on top of a few things lately, paperwork, has signed up for stuff that hasnt worked out, my sister was up recently and helped sort it out. She is wanting a big family meeting for us all to go through everything, none of us like her husband and my mum feels overwhelmed by the idea.

    My sister and I fell out 2 years ago over how I felt she was talking about them both and I basically tried to rescue them from christmas with her which backfired badly. We speak on the phone and she left me feeling battered this week after 2hours and her wanting them to be "sorted", as she cant "keep coming up and sorting everything"

    Basically, although we have one thing in common, that we love our parents and are worried about them, we disagree over approach and I'm seriously questioning if we can be part of LPA and maybe some one else shoud do it, we're a small family but have close family friends. (I am married also and my husbands dad had dementia)

    Sorry for the long post but would be grateful for any thoughts, thank you so much
  2. alwaysfretting

    alwaysfretting Registered User

    Jan 1, 2015
    This is something I can really relate to and sympathize with! We have only had poa for a few months, for my mum who has Alzheimer's. We basically are a close family with some issues and clashes. We had endless discussions and arguments before deciding my brothers wouldn't be PoAs. I am youngest and only girl and live furthest away, but generally do the most for mum. So I am POA with both sisters in law, joint and several. It started off with neither doing anything to help. Now one is helping me a lot. We honestly have become closer than in all the years we have known each other, despite our different styles. The other sil hasn't been helping at all but when I confronted her it turned out she has terrible problems about which I wasn't aware and we are much closer now too. So I would say keep talking. Also if you have joint and several you can carve up the tasks and responsibilities according to your individual skills, how far away you live, how much diplomacy is needed or whether it calls for practical or financial skills. This is what we are doing. I think it's better to be two than three as you have to reach an agreement rather than two ganging up against one which could cause bad feeling for ever.

    The way I see it is mum is the priority right now but my brothers and sisters in law are my future family and I don't want this intensely difficult time to ruin my relationship with them.

    Good luck!
  3. Amazing Annie 2

    Amazing Annie 2 Registered User

    Jul 7, 2014

    Thank you for your reply! Its really helpful and made me realsie that I need to read up and get to grips with POA and what is possible, which I should've done, thank again, really appreciate it.
  4. sinkhole

    sinkhole Registered User

    Jan 28, 2015
    Hi Amazing Annie 2,
    I'm an only child with LPA for my mum and my aunt, who has AD.

    I can relate to your sister's approach, as when my aunt was diagnosed, I could see there was a lot that needed doing in a short amount of time if we were to safeguard her and both their finances, which had been mis-managed for several years.

    Of course, older people don't like being rushed and my mum and aunt have always been very independent, so me rushing around changing things, asking them lots of questions, arranging visits, signing sessions etc. hasn't always gone down well :(

    I've tried to take it more slowly with them and drip feed them with the changes, but it's quite difficult for me as I'm impatient by nature and want to get things done before either of them take a turn for the worse.

    If I had a brother or sister like you (the feeling, caring, patient one ;)) I'd like to think maybe as a team we could each do what we're good at, with you deciding when and how to discuss each matter with your parents so they weren't overwhelmed.

    Your sister may not be open to this sort of approach based on what you've said, but hopefully the love you both have for your parents will bring you together more and you'll find a way to make it work.

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