1. Fifon

    Fifon Registered User

    Aug 8, 2015
    Until recently my OH with Alzheimer's has showered himself. For the last 10 days or so says he has done so but hasn't. Refuses help from me. Won't change his clothes unless I manage to hide the dirty ones, and wears the same underpants during the day that he sleeps in. Has started going to bed at 8.30 pm so consequently is up and down during the night. I have tried to talk things over with him but it always ends with me being stressed and him not affected. Anybody got any suggestions as to how to get round this? He is supposed to be going to a day centre today for the first time but although he agreed to this when the manager came a few days ago I'm not sure he will agree when they come for him. He keeps talking about the fact that we must work together, do things together, so I am not sure that he will co-operate. The reluctance to wash etc happened well before the day care was mentioned, otherwise I would have thought it was a reaction to that. Am at my wits end to know how to cope. He also refuses his medication even though I constantly remind him of that. Help!
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
  3. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    Hi Fifon, unfortunately both lack of personal hygiene and broken nights are very common problems, as you will probably see on other threads. I found that offering help with washing sometimes worked but very much depends on whether your husband is ready to accept help and it sounds as though he may not be. Sadly reasoning and discussion is not really an option, he may genuinely think he has washed or showered or just can't remember what to do when he gets into the bathroom but isn't ready to admit it. I used to lay out all my husband's clean clothes on the bed in the order he needed to put them on so underpants on top, then shirt, trousers, pullover etc. and that helped a bit. I wish there were easy answers, someone else might have better ideas than me. Hope the day centre happens and is a success, sounds as though you need the break. xxx

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  4. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    Hullo Fifon, have you tried to set up a care package with social services?

    I got a personal care package arranged for OH when she was in hospital a couple of years ago. Like your OH she sometimes resists and always says she does not need anything, but I have hassled the agency to only send the more experienced carers who know how to persuade her it is in her best interests. Medication always takes a bit of cajoling and persistent reminding. My OH is fairly easy going, so might not be so easy for you.

    Day care centre may be able to recommend something too. Sorry that's the best I can offer. Best of luck, Sporran
  5. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
  6. keegan2

    keegan2 Registered User

    Jan 11, 2015
    My other half used to bathe every day and shave for last 3 weeks he refuses to go in in shower as well. I don't push him to much on a daily basis just ask him if he would like to shower and he answers no, so I say ok well it is cold lets just change our clothes, this gets him to change his clothes at least. Then on about the third day I see which time of the day he is at his best and then push him to shower it has worked so far, also I have noticed he does not like going upstairs once he has come down. Fortunately we have a bath downstairs as well, so I run the shower in there and make the room warm. Shaving, by the 4th day I think he does not like the feel on his face, the minute I can see he is bothered by it I suggest he shaves (so far it has worked) brushing teeth is a hit and miss, if he does not do it as soon as he gets up then forget it no clean teeth....

    If you are allowed to go in toilet with him may be you could accidently wet his under clothes and then he will change. My hubby cannot stand his underwear being wet....
  7. garnuft

    garnuft Registered User

    Sep 7, 2012
    I hope he got to the day centre today.

    It's so hard but I would worry less about clean underpants and more about broken nights.

    I know what you mean about talks leaving you more stressed, so I would suggest you be more surreptitious and try to slide things past him unseen, even though it goes against the grain.

    You are up against an unfair enemy with dementia, you must be more wily than it and shush your conscience with the statement 'There is no other way'.
  8. Fifon

    Fifon Registered User

    Aug 8, 2015

    To all of you who have passed on suggestions a big thankyou. Fortunately my OH went to the day centre and they obviously were very skilled because he came home saying that he felt quite important there. His criticism was that the day was rather long (which I must say I did wonder about myself) but I get the feeling that he will agree to go again. Here's hoping anyway. I have taken on board things you have shared re the washing and changing of clothes. I must say that the new shower head I put on a couple of months ago did evoke a comment from him about it being rather noisy and somewhat hard yo hold (it is a water saving one) so maybe I'll get a new ordinary one and try to show him how much more manageable it is. Unfortunately we have never used the bathroom together the whole time we have been married (51 years) so obviously this is going to be a large step for me to 'intrude' as he would see it.

    I have had a chat with the social worker at social services about all this and I feel she may come up with some suggestions that might help but unfortunately he arrived home just as we were talking so we didn't finish our conversation. She seemed to understand the problems and I must say I am impressed so far with her attitude. I wasn't made to feel in any way a nuisance.

    So again thank you, it's good to have input from others who understand just what I feel and indeed have faced similar situations. God bless you all. Fifon.
  9. Fifon

    Fifon Registered User

    Aug 8, 2015
  10. mrjelly

    mrjelly Registered User

    Jul 23, 2012
    West Sussex
  11. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    Fifon, do you think your husband would respond well if you asked him to help you in the shower? i.e. wash your back - you could say you have a twinge and can't reach it properly. Perhaps he would be agreeable to showering together if he would be "helping" you.

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