Person vs Disease, do you look for reasons for behaviour?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by river_, Dec 27, 2007.

  1. river_

    river_ Registered User

    Oct 15, 2007
    When the person you are caring for does something odd or upsetting do you question the motives?

    For example, I asked my gran to go to the loo and take her meds as dinner was nearly ready, she was anyoed about this and when we sat down she didnt eat much and complained about the food.
    Even though I am well trained at work not to look for reason behind such behaviour I found myself doing it with her.
    Was she not eating in protest and being prompted to carry out routine tasks?
    Was she upset about it and felt off her food?

    Both I could understand.
    Does at really matter, really the best thing to do is to take things as they come and not wind yourself up with unanserable questions. *sigh* It's funny how something second nature becomes all new when it's your own flesh and blood :rolleyes:
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear River
    I find with my husband it depends on his mood.
    There are times when I ask or tell and he responds willingly, but there are times when he flares up and accuses me of trying to dominate him.
    I also find that two instructions at once, cause confusion, so try to tell him one thing at a time.
    The silence could be brooding resentment or caused by another reminder of increasing inability.
  3. Grommit

    Grommit Registered User

    Apr 26, 2006
    River. I gave that up ages ago.

    What goes on in Jean's mind has long been unfathomable.

    I used to try, not only to find reasons for her behaviour and,in doing so,find excuses for her but also keep telling myself that it did not matter in the great scheme of things.

    I found it was one the hardest things had to come to terms with as each day I had to move the goalposts out a little further.

    They are now so far apart it is a matter of geography to find each one.
  4. zebb37

    zebb37 Registered User

    Aug 12, 2007
    I couldn't agree more - last night's meds (aricept & sleeping pill) were greeted with many expletives, a foot stomping temper tantrum and lots of remarks based on the controlling aspects of my request - this was at 1 am (we had guests) and much later than normal.

    As as result, this morning I'm getting the same sort of verbal abuse as I try to wake her.

    I've found there is no 'winning' in this situation and that the more patience I show, the more likely a positive result will be achieved:eek:
  5. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    I think it is always worth trying to figure these things out.

    What we have to bear in mind is that the reasons may not be obvious - to us!

    For example, my Jan went through a stage at home, in winter, when she refused to put her coat on to go outside.

    It transpired after some observation, that she had actually forgotten how to do up buttons, and refusing to put her coat on meant she was not faced with the dilemma.

    With food, when she would refuse it, it became obvious that she was uncertain of what cutlery to use in which hand, and for which course, and also she doubted whether the food on her plate was hers.

    So, it is all a bit of a puzzle to work out. However, until we take time and thought to do so, we can't make plans to find ways to address the issues.

    It is worth it, believe me. :)
  6. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    I think Bruce has hit the nail on the head.

    IMHO I am sure that the perculiar reactions,the tantrums,are because they do not not remember what do do.
    They do not wish to look stupid so they find other ways of covering up.
    One that was a clasic example for me was when Peg refused to eat her food.
    She had forgotten how to eat for when I fed her it was all ok.
    I found that to "talk them through" was the answer to many problems.
  7. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    East Midlands
    That for me hits the nail on the head
    There is no "winning"-we have to change our outlook.
    We won't "win"
    But maybe we can make a difference
    I pray I'll be given the strength to do that.
    And know that support here on TP is vital-and will become more-so
    Love Gigi x
  8. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007
    I used to spend hours and hours explaining something to my mother, or trying to get to the bottom of some strange behaviour on her part . At the time this usually seemed worthwhile as she appeared to finally grasp what I was saying. But the next time I saw her she had no recollection at all of what had been discussed .
    Finally (and recently) this reached the stage where she actually forgot during the same visit, asking the same question a few minutes later.
    Ive given up now, as Ive realised it really isnt going to achieve anything. She seems to remember nothing whatsoever, even stuff from years ago whereas I thought that stayed in the memory longer. For example she has no recollection of where she worked for about 15 years and she didnt recognise any names of people she once worked with when I listed face she had no idea at all what I was talking about, I dont think she even knew what going to work actually meant.
    I find this very difficult.
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #9 Margarita, Dec 27, 2007
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2007

    yes I would agree with that Norman , as I notices it happing with my mother with new carer over Xmas that washing my mother .

    she keep telling mum what to do . '' take this of '' ''do this'' '' do that ''

    My mother was getting it all wrong she got really angry with carer , shouting I don't like this woman, while still trying so hard to do it .

    so had to tell carer that mum feels ashamed that she losing the ability to do those things , so your reminding her of it all ........................... yes like Norman said making my mother look stupid , even thought I do believe it was not the carer intention to do that .

    I find just doing it for her , saying '' come on let me help you with this . Mum use to say she do it , even thought she got it wrong , but I never corrected it , unless I thought she was putting herself in danger

    if she can't do it , never mind it happen to us all , let me help you

    sounds as its to much information to take in
    Try saying

    '' soon as you gone to the loo, you can have your medication "

    ( don't add the "" as dinner nearly ready )

    Or say

    As dinner nearly ready , best to to to the toilet .

    then after going to the Loo say dinner ready hear your medication

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