Overwhelmed with worry

[Connie.J]

My mum has vascular dementia but doesn’t remember the diagnosis. We’ve stopped telling her as it distressed her. The problem is she is primarily cared for by my 87 year father with my help. I live an hours drive away.
I desperately want to obtain more help for them as I can’t be there everyday but my dad said he can manage. He’s doing his best, but I think he’s struggling. My mum has always been so house proud. She’d be offended if I suggested a cleaner. I’m currently cleaning and washing for them.
I’ve noticed a deterioration in her memory and I’m overwhelmed with worry. How can I help if she doesn’t know there is anything wrong?

 

[Gosling]

Hello @Connie.J and welcome to this Dementia Support Forum. There is a wealth of shared experience of dementia to be found here, so I am glad you have found us.
I am sorry to read of about your Mum's dementia and your Dad, I'm sure is doing his best. It must be very tough on you for sure, particularly living an hour away.
By the sound of it, it would be appropriate to get a care needs assessment for your Mum and carer's assessment for your Dad. This can be done via Social Services. Neither your Dad, nor you, will be any support to your Mum if you burn yourselves out, without some extra support in place. The following link may help:

Assessment for care and support in England

What are care assessments and how can people with dementia and their carers access them? This information is for care and support in England.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

I hope you will find this forum useful for information, and any particular advice if you need it, do just ask, as members here really do want to help.
It's also good for letting off a bit of steam when you need to!

 

[Connie.J]

Thank you so much, we are both feeling burnt out but my mum isn’t at a stage where she’ll accept help as she doesn’t know she needs it.
I’ll have a look at the link, thank you.

 

[canary]

Hello @Connie.J
Im afraid that your mother may never accept that she needs help. She will probably continue to think that she has not changed at all and is still doing everything that she used to. Even when mum was in a care home and needed a wheelchair when I took her out, she insisted that she went out walking every day and did her own shopping and cooking.

There comes a time when needs trumps wants

 

[Connie.J]

Hello @Connie.J
Im afraid that your mother may never accept that she needs help. She will probably continue to think that she has not changed at all and is still doing everything that she used to. Even when mum was in a care home and needed a wheelchair when I took her out, she insisted that she went out walking every day and did her own shopping and cooking.

There comes a time when needs trumps wants

I’m beginning to realise this. My mum told my friend she does all the cooking, she hasn’t cooked properly for over a year now.
I think I will have to start looking into things and accept we are beginning to find it harder.
Thank you for taking the time to respond x