One little thing but how revealing

[Lawson58]

I have been aware for some time that my husband’s cognitive abilities have been failing but one tiny thing today was so revealing about his current state.

He had decided to unload the dishwasher and found in the bottom one of those little caps that fit onto microwaveable containers to allow you to open it to let the steam escape. It was circular and bright red. He understood its function but was trying to fit it on to another container that had a rectangular cap and was blue. I casually mentioned to him that it didn’t belong on that dish but he persisted until he decided that it wasn’t going to work.

When you live with someone constantly, you adjust as the little changes come and it’s not until such a minor thing shows us how the decline really is. What is really odd is that he is still playing bridge, discovered a year or so ago that he loved Sudoko and valiantly tries to complete crosswords but he is finding it increasingly difficult to find the words or ’has never heard of that word before’.

He seems to disappear into these activities and often is unaware of what is going on around him. I have always referred to this as his tunnel vision and that’s what it’s like, just that the tunnel is getting narrower and the walls are getting foggier. I know his speech is becoming more difficult but there are little rehearsed pieces that he brings out when family are present.

Fortunately, he still looks after his own hygiene but I have to remind him to change his clothes. He seems to spill half his food down his shirts and track pants but he doesn’t complain when I nag him.

We are still muddling along though we have had a few words about the new puppy who actually is the most optimistic little chap. He thinks everyone two legged and four should be his friends, My husband found him a bit intimidating but as the pup starts understanding that that there are rewards in being a good boy, this has got better.

My experience with dementia has been so much different to a lot of others on TP and it sometimes surprises me when little things jump up and remind me that I have been caring for him for almost ten years since his cardiac arrest and informally for about thirteen years when he first started showing signs of a dementia problem.

I have been assembling a chest of drawers today so perhaps am feeling a bit tired, helped on by a glass of two of Margaret River Chardonnay!

 

[Cerisy]

Nice post - I’m in a similar position with my Jo. I started the caring a few years ago although the signs were there from at least 2015, but it’s been a very slow decline. The little changes keeping reminding me that the dementia is progressing - yesterday about an hour after an evening meal of good sized mushroom and cheese omlettes (our son lives nearby and has loads of chicken, so we get a regular supply of lovely eggs!), she asked what’s for tea/lunch/dinner?? The short term memory is slipping away more quickly now.
We do manage a good walk every day which seems to help - tried a 25km bike ride today (one of her fav activities), but she struggled up the hills so I guess I won’t push that too often. While reading/joining in the posts helps a great deal, it does also highlight what’s to come. I know we’ll cope but it’s slightly scary!!

 

[jay6]

@Lawson58 Funny how we start noticing little things now. That we'd have ignored before without even noticing. Lets hope his decline is slow.
My OH has taken to word search books but has been getting slower. He now insists they list some words that aren't actually there. Won't have it that he has missed them.

@Cerisy It's the little changes that reminds us. Sometimes I found myself questioning if it was dementia but it obviously is.

Not looking forward to whats ahead reading all the posts.

 

[Sue741215]

Here is my little change for this week.

My husband meets a 'friend' (paid) at a pub about 3/4 of a mile from home once a week. I was walking with him on Friday and he suddenly went to the kerb and started to wave at cars to slow down. I asked him what he was doing and he said he often waves cars down and people stop and give him a lift home from the pub. In one way he is very clever about getting what he wants - in another he has no concept of how inappropriate it is to do this. In one way I admire him in another I despair of knowing what he is up to when I'm not with him. I had just begun to relax a bit about him not calling in another pub on the way home as he used to do and now here is a new twist to deal with.

 

[jay6]

Oh dear @Sue741215 another thing to content with. Never a dull day!

 

[Lawson58]

Nice post - I’m in a similar position with my Jo. I started the caring a few years ago although the signs were there from at least 2015, but it’s been a very slow decline. The little changes keeping reminding me that the dementia is progressing - yesterday about an hour after an evening meal of good sized mushroom and cheese omlettes (our son lives nearby and has loads of chicken, so we get a regular supply of lovely eggs!), she asked what’s for tea/lunch/dinner?? The short term memory is slipping away more quickly now.
We do manage a good walk every day which seems to help - tried a 25km bike ride today (one of her fav activities), but she struggled up the hills so I guess I won’t push that too often. While reading/joining in the posts helps a great deal, it does also highlight what’s to come. I know we’ll cope but it’s slightly scary!!

My husband has walked our old dog every day for as long as we have had her but can’t go too far these days as he gets very short of breath (heart). But I really think it’s so good for all of us to get some exercise. He offered to walk our puppy (weighs in at 15 kg at 16 weeks) but puppy needs training to walk nicely so I take him which is my exercise.

I don’t think I would like riding up hills either.

Hmmmm! Electric bike sounds tempting.

 

[Cerisy]

Yes, I thought about the electric bike option but she will really struggle with the switching it on and off. We have two flat areas nearby - an old railway line and along the riverbank, so I’ll have to put the effort in to load up the bike carrier and drive us out there!! Well, once it stops bleeding raining!!

 

[Lawson58]

Here is my little change for this week.

My husband meets a 'friend' (paid) at a pub about 3/4 of a mile from home once a week. I was walking with him on Friday and he suddenly went to the kerb and started to wave at cars to slow down. I asked him what he was doing and he said he often waves cars down and people stop and give him a lift home from the pub. In one way he is very clever about getting what he wants - in another he has no concept of how inappropriate it is to do this. In one way I admire him in another I despair of knowing what he is up to when I'm not with him. I had just begun to relax a bit about him not calling in another pub on the way home as he used to do and now here is a new twist to deal with.

They can be very clever in some ways without appreciating the risks. I guess you now have one more thing to do and to worry about. And it is obviously a social thing that enjoys.

 

[canary]

When you live with someone constantly, you adjust as the little changes come and it’s not until such a minor thing shows us how the decline really is.

Yes, its the little things.
Yesterday OH asked me if it was Sunday.
Yes it was, but the fact that he felt he had to ask spoke volumes

 

[Cerisy]

When Jo goes for a walk on her own - not that often - I monitor where she is on the Find My Phone app. She always has her iWatch on that connects to the mobile signal and usually her phone, so I have been able to talk her out of a field she decided looked like a nice way to get home!!! I set up the tech a while ago ready as things change - same as getting the garden fenced in to slow down any late night escape attempts!!

 

[SeaSwallow]

Yes, its the little things.
Yesterday OH asked me if it was Sunday.
Yes it was, but the fact that he felt he had to ask spoke volumes

It’s awful, my hubby gets so confused, has no idea of the days or months, and sometimes confuses day and night. Yet he can use his iPad to get on YouTube.

 

[Helly68]

Totally agree about being able to think about some things, but not risk. My father was pleased to be able to order a long handle hedge trimmer over the phone with his card. Obviously, this kind of order is not in itself without risk, I wasn't sure he would be able to do it. He did, which in some ways was great, but we now have a kind of cordless scythe on a 10ft pole, which he is delighted with but will probably never be able to use. Very heavy and of course really dangerouns for someone with little concept of risk or their own limitations. Sigh. Hopefully his neighbours son will help him to use it.
I had said to him that it would be very heavy (trying to avoid saying he would not be able to use it - red rag to a bull) but he would not have it. Unless we have more issues I don't want to take the card away. It is a really tough balance between enabling indpendence, and tbh poor decsions, which people still have a right to make, whilst trying to ensure safety

 

[Lawson58]

In all the years, we have been together, OH has never bought me flowers. He always said they were a waste of money considering how many I had growing in my garden.

This year, a lovely bouquet arrived for me on my birthday, for which he had phoned our nearby florist and paid for it by debit card. I was really surprised and they were beautiful. But he didn’t stop there, because on our anniversary another bouquet arrived (three weeks after my birthday) and after all these years of never giving me flowers, I admit I was the one who was rather confused.

And of course, it seems to be another one of those funny little quirks of failing cognition that was waving a little red flag at me, hoping I would understand,

 

[jay6]

In all the years, we have been together, OH has never bought me flowers. He always said they were a waste of money considering how many I had growing in my garden.

This year, a lovely bouquet arrived for me on my birthday, for which he had phoned our nearby florist and paid for it by debit card. I was really surprised and they were beautiful. But he didn’t stop there, because on our anniversary another bouquet arrived (three weeks after my birthday) and after all these years of never giving me flowers, I admit I was the one who was rather confused.

And of course, it seems to be another one of those funny little quirks of failing cognition that was waving a little red flag at me, hoping I would understand,

My OH exactly same. always said flowers were a waste. Be nice if that changed like your OH although can't see it.
Glad yours did it though, it's always lovely to be appreciated.

 

[Sue741215]

They can be very clever in some ways without appreciating the risks. I guess you now have one more thing to do and to worry about. And it is obviously a social thing that enjoys.

I've actually relaxed a bit about him getting lifts - He is on a main road in the daytime less than a mile from home - I figure if anyone tries to mess with him they will get more than they bargain for - he is a big guy and still strong - not to mention that he'll be driving them mad telling them how to drive. A friend told me her brother-in-law was one of those who picked him up - I think a few people recognise him from local walks and I think it is these people who are giving him a lift. I can't and don't want to stop him going out so I'll have to take the small risk. I have Find my phone so will monitor him a bit more closely - been away so he hasn't been lately - hopefully he has forgotten about getting a lift though I doubt it.

 

[Lawson58]

I've actually relaxed a bit about him getting lifts - He is on a main road in the daytime less than a mile from home - I figure if anyone tries to mess with him they will get more than they bargain for - he is a big guy and still strong - not to mention that he'll be driving them mad telling them how to drive. A friend told me her brother-in-law was one of those who picked him up - I think a few people recognise him from local walks and I think it is these people who are giving him a lift. I can't and don't want to stop him going out so I'll have to take the small risk. I have Find my phone so will monitor him a bit more closely - been away so he hasn't been lately - hopefully he has forgotten about getting a lift though I doubt it.

Actually, it’s nice that people are being so kind and thoughtful in picking him up. I suppose the day will come when he won’t be able to go to the pub and that will be quite sad for him. My husband still gets to the bridge club and other members pick him up which is great. He spent the day at a congress in a nearby town which he enjoyed but exhausted him.

My son works shift work and popped in today to see us as it was his day off. My husband didn’t say much but then picked up his sudoku and disappeared out of the conversation, This is the second time it has happened when someone else has been here and not something he has ever done before so I think it is another little sign of decline. We are out for dinner for my granddaughter’s birthday in a few days so we’ll see how he copes (or not) in a social situation.

 

[Lawson58]

I know I have been fortunate with how slowly OH has progressed over the years and appreciate that he can still do so much for himself, unlike so many others on TP.

Now his physical health is failing, it is having an impact on his dementia and that’s just how it is but when two people who both have cognitive deficits cook up something together, it can be hard to handle.

Pre COVID, OH use to regularly play bridge with one particular club member who following a bout of cancer sold her house here and moved up to the Murray River to be closer to her family. She purchased a small house and after a couple of years, picked up playing again bridge online with OH.

That was all good until she had to pay her online bridge fees and now it has reached a point of sheer craziness. I hate to use that word but can’t think of anything better to describe it.

Because she has considerable funds in her bank account, she doesn’t want to pay the fees directly online, in genuine fear of being hacked. She wants OH to pay her fees for her, then send her our bank details to her so she can transfer the money into our account. Of course OH doesn’t get that she expects him to do something she herself is reluctant to do which is the stupid and unnecessarily complicated part of this.

He tried this once before and got cranky when I was uncooperative. It is such a stupid little thing but so aggravating! Naturally, OH thinks I am being unfair but I don’t want repeat performances.

And of course, he is being so empathetic with her!

 

[SeaSwallow]

I know I have been fortunate with how slowly OH has progressed over the years and appreciate that he can still do so much for himself, unlike so many others on TP.

Now his physical health is failing, it is having an impact on his dementia and that’s just how it is but when two people who both have cognitive deficits cook up something together, it can be hard to handle.

Pre COVID, OH use to regularly play bridge with one particular club member who following a bout of cancer sold her house here and moved up to the Murray River to be closer to her family. She purchased a small house and after a couple of years, picked up playing again bridge online with OH.

That was all good until she had to pay her online bridge fees and now it has reached a point of sheer craziness. I hate to use that word but can’t think of anything better to describe it.

Because she has considerable funds in her bank account, she doesn’t want to pay the fees directly online, in genuine fear of being hacked. She wants OH to pay her fees for her, then send her our bank details to her so she can transfer the money into our account. Of course OH doesn’t get that she expects him to do something she herself is reluctant to do which is the stupid and unnecessarily complicated part of this.

He tried this once before and got cranky when I was uncooperative. It is such a stupid little thing but so aggravating! Naturally, OH thinks I am being unfair but I don’t want repeat performances.

And of course, he is being so empathetic with her!

Oh dear @Lawson58 Such a difficult issue for you to deal with. I know that if I was in a similar position that I would refuse to transfer the monies if that way. Would it be possible to make payment through PayPal as it is relatively safe.

 

[jugglingmum]

Making an on line payment is far less risky than sending your bank details to her as you well know.

I think we are all a bit paranoid about being hacked, especially if we aren't that IT literate, so try and circumvent it.

Afraid I've found that amusing, in a dementia way.

With hindsight my mum was doing odd illogical things for a long time before dementia diagnosis, and whilst she was diagnosed 9 years before she died she was well into early dementia at diagnosis. Looking back I could clearly see symptoms 5 years before that and when clearing her house I found some odd bits and pieces of letters and other paperwork which to me indicated some issues in her logic and thinking processes earlier still, so early to mid 70s, she was 93 when she passed.

There is so much unknown about this disease, and I think the medical profession are more ignorant on the symptoms than forum members.

 

[Womble12]

It’s awful, my hubby gets so confused, has no idea of the days or months, and sometimes confuses day and night. Yet he can use his iPad to get on YouTube.

Hi, if you have not already got one, look into dementia clocks. I bought one for Mum and she finds it really helpful