1. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Think I'll have to put a lock on my laptop! Woke up this morning to find mum had taken it into her bedroom. she no longer leaves air messages for my brother on her phone, all this activity transferred to Skype, she cannot walk passed it without asking if he has been in touch yet. Thankfully there is a password, but she still tries!!! This obsession with my brother is getting worse, seems she cannot think of anyone else. I sometimes think this whole dementia thing and this situation between mum and I is all a dream I will wake up soon and tp is just a figment of my imagination but no, I am wide awake sitting on the sofa surrounded by mums clothes, she has emptied her wardrobe again.
     
  2. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    It has been a very, very long day of repetition, wandering and a few battles over wet laundry, I keep hanging it on clothes horse mum keeps taking it off and laying it out on dining table. Brief intermission from it all when I skyped my brother, that created a few hassles for an hour, I had to listen to her go on and on about how wonderful he is. It really has been a long hard day and I wish there was a little magic pill somewhere for me!
     
  3. Earthangel

    Earthangel Registered User

    Feb 8, 2014
    14
    South Yorkshire
    :)My dad had selective hearing when it came to my mum talking constantly and that was normal. Now dad has died, I am left with mum yattering constantly about all the things you have heard before, over and over again. Oh God, why did you take my dad away from me, I can't act that I am deaf, only 47. I feel awful when I ask her to repeat herself, when I have knocked off. When I go home, she hates being on her own and having no one to talk too.
     
  4. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701
    Poor you Tin - sounds like a hellish day, hun :( I sometimes think it would be great if OH had a sibling we could share some of the load with, but I think the frustration if they couldn't or wouldn't give help, would make things even harder - so maybe we are lucky! In your shoes now I would be seething with resentment and feeling very under-appreciated, no matter how much I'd be trying to tell myself that it 'isn't her - its the dementia' :(

    We had a long day too - not going into details, but seriously feeling like I'm at the end of my tether at the moment, very ground down with dealing with days that are filled with either constant misery and complaints, or days that are filled with verbal nastiness and general disruption due to Mils bad temper :(
     
  5. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    442
    I find it best to just smile sweetly when my mum praises my brother who has not seen her in over two years since I got POA and he cant touch her money.
     
  6. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,912
    Suffolk
    Ann, I sympathise. That's why OH is in respite, I couldn't cope with the perpetual nastiness of it all. I'm hoping two weeks away will have jerked him out of that loop. If it hasn't, I will be looking at a longer period of respite, cos I just can't take it any more. Add health problems ( mine) and it doesn't add up. Do I want another Carers breakdown? No. Hence respite. Very odd without him, though.
     
  7. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    My brother visits as often as he can and is, considering the situation, very understanding, he tries his best. There was one conversation we had about a year ago when he thought it might be best if mum goes into a care home close to him so he could visit her every day, it was only an idea and of course would not work because mum wants to be with my brother ALL the time, She would follow him to work if she could, just to be close to him. Of course its not like this all the time, distraction sometimes works and Skype. There are times though when she does not realise she has 2 other children, or 3 if you count her little dog, another of her obsessions.
     
  8. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701

    Got fingers and toes crossed that a period of respite helps you, Spamar. I'll probably bounce back tomorrow, but today just feel I've had enough.
     
  9. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Don't think I am going to be able to do this for much longer, the days are just the same now, bad or very bad. We have had a terrible night very little sleep. I have come to the conclusion that my mum does not like me, hates being here, everything I do is wrong, if she can't find her belongings I am blamed. Her obsession with my brother has become very uncomfortable for me and she will not leave her dog alone it has started to sleep in my bedroom and every time I take it back to mum's room it just comes back. If I close my bedroom door it scratches to get in, if I close mums door it scratches to get out! she is accusing me of kidnapping the dog. The only right thing I am doing is keeping her safe and that is difficult because she has no sense of danger. I have just become the jailer. Unlike most people, I cannot separate my mum from the Dementia all the time.

    We were invited to a charity fund raising breakfast today, but I can't take her in this state, she won't get dressed properly and will not let me help her and if we can't find her boots she will not leave the house.

    Yes, I am getting closer to searching for the perfect care home.
     
  10. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    Unlike most people, Tin? I don't think so. I think the only way you are unlike most people is in the way you have borne this with patience and humour. I suspect most of us can't separate the person and the dementia, simply because the person we knew disappears and all that is left IS the dementia. Or so it's proving for me.
    If your instinct tells you to look for a care home, then your instinct is probably correct. Good luck. Thinking of you.
     
  11. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,912
    Suffolk
    Not that long ago I said if anybody else tells me it's just the dementia I'll scream. I know it's the dementia. I'm not totally stupid. It's unhelpful and unwanted thing to say. Nobody says, I'll come and look after him tomorrow so you can have a day off. Now that would be really useful.
    I'm due to pick him up from respite in a minute and if he kicks off again, it'll be full time respite.
    My Alzheimer's society lady has asked SS to give me a call, that was nearly a fortnight ago!
    I think you are coping do well, tin. Thinking of you
     
  12. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Thanks ladies for your replies of support, I too have been waiting for a call back from social services. I'm just so tired and one positive that will come out of last couple of night's lack of sleep, is that mum will sleep tonight and I will just collapse on the sofa. I have got to change things though, I need to get some sort of life back. At the moment I have a sitter for 2 hours a week, initially so I could get out of the house and join the 'ladies that lunch' but recently all I've done is dash off for dental appointments, quick shops and tidy the garden. I am going to increase sitter hours, put her on my car insurance so she can take mum out and I am going to get back to the ladies that lunch. Day care for her is out of the question she cannot cope being separated from her dog.

    I have left her to own devices this morning, underneath her day clothes still wearing her pj's 2 sets I think,no socks just boots that I found in the laundry basket. Although I am tired a neighbour has invited us for tea, I am going to take mum as she is and leave the house looking like a laundry, mums clothes hanging over every piece of furniture.

    I AM GOING TO MAKE CHANGES, I NEED MY LIFE BACK, ENJOYING COMPANY OF FRIENDS THAT MISS HAVING ME AROUND BECAUSE I MISS THEM.
     
  13. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,912
    Suffolk
    Been home half an hour. Not a good start!
     
  14. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701
    Its really odd, Tin, how both your Mum and my Mil seem to often go through very difficult phases or deterioration in behaviour, at similar times. My heart goes out to you hun - as I've said before, I'm not solo and get good day care, yet have still really struggled for the last three days - I honestly don't know how you cope xxxx

    I have fingers and toes crossed that you can find a way to get some of your life back, hun - made a similar decision here, and youngest and I are going to start training classes with the new pup, for very similar reasons to those you describe. I'm struggling with feeling isolated, and though my daughter is really good, she needs some time with me where her Nana isn't constantly taking all my time and attention.

    And if you do have to go down the care home route, don't you dare feel guilty - no one could have tried harder than you, no one could blame you xxxx

    Spamar, poor you! I am hoping that he has settled for you now - and if not, I think you are right to look at permenant care too xxxxx
     
  15. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Hope things have improved a little for you Spamar. thanks Ann, its the intensity of this illness and thinking for both of us is just sapping the life out of me. Yesterday was a quiet day and mum went to bed at 8pm, slept through to 7.30 this morning I had to wake her with a cup of tea and thinking ahead again, did not want her to sleep too long for fear of her not going to bed tonight!! We had snow over night, just cleared path so mum can continue her wandering to and from garden gate.
     
  16. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,912
    Suffolk
    No, I don't think they have improved. In fact, he's now incontinent as well. I know hospital stays will do that, but care homes? What do they do, for heavens sake? He's also coughed all night, though he's been ok this morningh. He had a nurses appt this morning, it took us 2 hours it get ready, then he didn't have breakfast. He's snapping at me, or totally ignoring me. I'm thinking UTI? He made a mess of going to the loo this morning. Ugh, I hate it.
    I'm hovering over care home permanently, cos all this is not doing my health any good!
    Now face an absolute pile of ironing! Note that the home said there's a bag of clean stuff, that bag is for washing. One sock of a pair in each bag. One glove in one bag, one in his coat pocket. I've washed/am about to wash the lot. Plus sheet, under blanket another pjs etc etc. now got him in pull ups, and more tena stuff under sheet. Let's hope that cuts down the washing!
    Sorry for rant, but I do feel a bit better!
     
  17. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    I was told yesterday that often people suffering from Dementia only have the capacity for one thought and everything said or done is done so with this one thought at the centre of it all. Yes I know, its called an obsession!!! and mum has plenty of those. He is right in one area, mum can only have one obsession a day and usually its obvious whats on her mind, yesterday it was her little dog which was brought into every conversation she had. Today its the same the dog, she is taking massive amounts of tissues and 'polishing' her boots, the dog wants to see clean boots, If I ask her what she wants for breakfast she says she'll ask the dog, if the dog does not like it mum won't have it. Tomorrow the obsession will probably be about my brother.
     
  18. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701
    I'm with you on the obsessions/fixations - Mil was bothered by worrying about her late Bil and his wife for a lot of yesterday. Forgetting he had passed away, convinced that they had either phoned or were about to visit, and starting to get agitated because although she can't remember he is dead and that she hasn't seen his widow for nearly 20 years, she clearly remembered that she and her Sil did not get on. (Sil tended to 'look down' on everyone else in the family, very much a snob and I think Mil felt quite intimidated by her). I'm hoping that she has forgotten that one today - she got up earlier and there was no mention of them, so fingers crossed - she was more fixed on getting food and then on about both going to school and getting a job, before she took herself back to bed!
     
  19. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    This guy was clearly trying to help or impress me with his knowledge of Dementia, he kept saying he'd prefer to call it a mind concentrating on one thought, for example, he said, if your mum is mopping the kitchen floor but she woke up that morning thinking of her son, she will relate mopping that floor to him. I get what he's saying, just prefer to call it an obsession, far easier for other people to understand her that way, everyone throughout their lives have experienced obsessions with one thing or another.
     
  20. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    3,701
    Oh - is that the latest 'politically correct' term to use? Sorry - I have so little patience with these buzz words and phrases, Tin - they used to drive me mad when I was working in care, as it seemed that the phrases were more important than actually doing something about a situation. Instead of coming up with these 'in words and phrases' to describe something, I'd rather that they came up with a constructive way of dealing with an issue! It would be a lot more use!
     

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