Occasional outbursts of aggression

ebas

Registered User
Aug 8, 2019
71
Yesterday a nurse rang me from the hospital & asked if I would speak to my OH who was agitated and was crying.I calmed him down but I wasn't sure he knew who I was.I have been to see him today.He was very calm.He couldn't remember anything that had happened for days.He made me go & ask the nurse of I could help her.I'm sure he thinks that I am just there to look after him.He offered to take me home & when I said it wasn't far on the bus he was quite happy for me to leave.If the social worker sees him like that I know they will want me to take him home.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
3,810
Nottinghamshire
When you speak to the social worker remind him/her exactly why you can’t have your OH home at the moment. At the very least that should assess him and not consider returning him to you unless he has medication which works to keep him calm and you feel you can cope.

It’s not just your OH’s needs. If you have reached carer breakdown it wouldn’t be safe for either of you for him to be sent home.
 

ebas

Registered User
Aug 8, 2019
71
I have just had a phone call from the social worker.She has said I can't refuse to have my OH home as because we jointly own the house it would be deprivation of liberty.She says she has spoken to him & he wants to come home.She said he would be sent home with a care package of 4 carers a day & if I felt I wouldn't be able to cope I would have to leave the property.
 

Quite contrary

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
22
Ilford, Essex
I have just had a phone call from the social worker.She has said I can't refuse to have my OH home as because we jointly own the house it would be deprivation of liberty.She says she has spoken to him & he wants to come home.She said he would be sent home with a care package of 4 carers a day & if I felt I wouldn't be able to cope I would have to leave the property.
That is absolutely appalling! What about your deprivation of liberty! Sorry, I don't have any advice to offer as we are not that far down the road yet but could not read your post without expressing my disgust with that social worker!
 

ebas

Registered User
Aug 8, 2019
71
That is absolutely appalling! What about your deprivation of liberty! Sorry, I don't have any advice to offer as we are not that far down the road yet but could not read your post without expressing my disgust with that social worker!
Thank you for your reply.I did say how was I supposed to sleep as he was always up in the night & I was frightened in case he did something.He has been up in the night in the hospital,stripping off his clothes & getting agitated
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
10,666
Merseyside
Please ring our helpline for advice. They are open until 8 pm tonight.
National Dementia Helpline


Looking for information, support or advice about dementia? Our helpline is here for you on 0300 222 11 22.

National Dementia Helpline
0300 222 11 22
Our helpline advisers are here for you.
Helpline opening hours:
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Quite contrary

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
22
Ilford, Essex
Thank you for your reply.I did say how was I supposed to sleep as he was always up in the night & I was frightened in case he did something.He has been up in the night in the hospital,stripping off his clothes & getting agitated
So how can she think that 4 visits per day would be enough but then she obviously doesn't think and is just a robot! Do not leg her bully and threaten you.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,498
Yorkshire
That is awful @ebas
Ask to speak with the Social Worker's superior
Make it clear that your husband is aggressive and has hit you so they are putting you at risk of harm should he return and if you are injured he will be at risk of neglect
Say any care package must meet your husband's needs, that Social Services have the duty of care to ensure the care package is delivered and, given your husband's nighttime behaviour there is likely to be a safeguarding concern raised
Is it possible for you to call their bluff and say that if you have no right to be safe in your home you will be going on an extended holiday (is there anyone you might stay with)....
Please do write down what was said and send both letter and email to the Hospital and LA with a copy to your GP stating that this is what was said and that you want confirmation in writing that this is acceptable practice
Admiral Nurses may be able to help you https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/admiral-nursing/
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
3,810
Nottinghamshire
Hi @ebas. It sounds as though you’re going to have a fight on your hands so prepare to do battle. Dad was going to be sent home towards the end of his life when he could do nothing at all for himself - except fall out of his chair or bed! Sometimes I wonder what happened to common sense. But you can win. You’ll have to dig your heels in. Neither you nor your OH will be safe if he’s sent home in the state he’s in now.

I was warned that my dad would be sectioned if I didn’t allow him home - it was the best thing that could have happened - it was then down to them to find a suitable place for him to be assessed as to his suitability to return home safely.

If he plays up in hospital again I suggest you leave them to deal with him so they can see how he really is.

I’m thinking of you. I found the dementia helpline very helpful at getting me through my crisis with dad. Stay strong.
 

ebas

Registered User
Aug 8, 2019
71
I was told by a nurse this afternoon that he had been out of bed at 2am this morning.The social worker said he didn't need 24 hr care as he wasn't a danger to himself.I said that he was a danger to me & how was I expected to get any sleep.She said he had fluctuating capacity & wanted to go home.I told her I had to restrain him at times because he was lashing out.She told me to call the police.I am waiting for the helpline to call me back
 

Juliematch

Registered User
Jun 24, 2017
134
I’m absolutely godsmacked that a social worker could say that after all you’ve been through. Stay strong and stand your ground. You have rights as well. Please get advice from the helpline and don’t be bullied . Sending you a virtual hug I think you need it.
 

ebas

Registered User
Aug 8, 2019
71
Thank you for all your replies.The help line hasn't phoned me back. They must be busy.I will phone them again in the morning as well as the doctors & the local carers society.If nothing works & they haven't got his meds sorted out that he sleeps all night I shall shut the door to my bedroom & try to ignore if I hear him wandering about in the night.Any problems I will ring the ambulance & the police.As they haven't sorted out his meds in the last 10 days its unlikely they will do so.I will ask that question
 

ebas

Registered User
Aug 8, 2019
71
Can I demand a meeting to see all the notes on my OH.Also to make sure that as he doesn't need 24 hour care, is he taking the correct meds to make him sleep all night.He also told someone about disagreements at home.His second wife used to hit him,she was a schizophrenic.He often asks for iris his ex wife.I think they think it is me who is hitting him. I only retaliate when he strikes the first blow or I try to stop him hitting me
 

ebas

Registered User
Aug 8, 2019
71
Can't get through to the doctors.Am panicking a bit.Will try & get the helpline after 9am & then the local carers office.I have a number for the mental health team so I shall then phone them
 

ebas

Registered User
Aug 8, 2019
71
Have heard from the helpline.She was very helpful but it looks like I can't stop
him from returning home.Just have to hope to hope for the best & prepare for the worse
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
3,810
Nottinghamshire
I’m sorry to hear that @ebas. Have you got a lock on your door so you can keep him out if the worst does happen?

I find it absolutely heartless that you’ve been put in this position.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,498
Yorkshire
Can I demand a meeting to see all the notes on my OH.Also to make sure that as he doesn't need 24 hour care, is he taking the correct meds to make him sleep all night.He also told someone about disagreements at home.His second wife used to hit him,she was a schizophrenic.He often asks for iris his ex wife.I think they think it is me who is hitting him. I only retaliate when he strikes the first blow or I try to stop him hitting me
Do ask for a meeting and explain all this... It makes clear how confused your husband is and that in his mind he is being returned to an unsafe environment .. And don't worry if you break down in tears, they need to know just how much this is affecting you

Are you able to write out a set of bullet points detailing everything that concerns you, all you have mentioned here (or print out your posts here) as anyone you give a copy to must note the info you give them so it will go on all their files for you to refer them back to in the future

Tough as this may be, can you not engage in your husband's care at all so it is as though he lives alone... this may show your situation for what it is and lead to a crisis.. Not what you really want I know... they may insist he goes home but no-one has the right to force an adult to look after another adult

in the care package, tell them some day care is needed as you both need a break from each other

Keep posting, we can't change all this: we can offer support and sympathy

Sadly there have been other members put in this situation... Hard as this will br
 

ebas

Registered User
Aug 8, 2019
71
I have heard from the hospital today that my OH has slipped & got a bruise.Also last night he was aggressive.The psychiatrist has seen him & changed his meds & has said that he needs 24 hour care.There is going to be a meeting on Monday.I am going to find out of I am allowed to go