No clue how to manage this

[Felinefan66]

Evening all and thanks so much for the responses - I appreciate all the comments.

We've been chatting tonight about the situation and agreed that we should advise his landlord about the repairs that need undertaking. My father lives in a bungalow owned by a farmer - very good relationship. Each time we've mentioned the repairs to him he says he'll sort them out... but never does. My father has already told me not to interfere but I think now is the time I actually bite the bullet and inform the landlord myself to get the repairs done and face the fallout when my father gets a visit from the landlord to have a look (usually gets his son to pop around)! I will explain that the property needs to be secure as it's the landlord's property but also his possessions need to be secure and if, god forbid, he was burgled, his insurance would be invalid without working locks. Hopefully that will do the trick!

The will. I knew this would happen. Last week I advised him about the 'free will month'. On Friday he supposedly wrote down the details of the solicitor, date/time etc to make an appointment because, as we all know now - 'I can do that myself, I don't need you to do it!'. However, as expected when I asked him today, 'No I didn't make an appointment..' I was hoping the 'free' part would motivate him to get this done. So, I think I'm going to call the solicitor, make the appointment and then tell him. Will have to remind him on the day and just cross fingers he actually bothers going. If he doesn't then I'm just going to stop reminding him.

Because my father is very much still a controlling alpha male I don't usually go against him but I think I should start being more assertive for his own sake. I'm just not very good at it and without having much external support, such as other siblings, I find it very difficult to stand up to him, even at my age, when he's angry. (Childhood issues.)

I do keep an eye on his bills and things if he leaves them in sight, can refer to my spreadsheet for expiring things like MOT, tax, insurance etc and always remind him when they are due. (I have got authorisation for a couple of suppliers to deal with his account for him which is a great help - but this was only due to coincidence.) Otherwise nope.. he will not allow me to take charge of anything else, even if it's to help him because of the usual response 'No - I don't need you to do that - I can do it - I'm quite capable'. Yes, you may well still be able to pay bills etc., phone them up and use your card, but the point is that you forget! Other than that, his very simple daily life follows the same routine - get up, feed cat, drive to get his newspaper, do any chores, get breakfast, read paper, read book, get dinner, go to bed. He has few friends now, and those he has are all elderly too. The eventual aim is to get him to live with us though he doesn't want to live where we are and give up his independence.

I was a volunteer for Age UK during Covid and one of my 'clients' was a 90 year old man who lived alone, daughter visited every couple of weeks, still drove, had a frozen meals delivery each week and lived a very quiet and simple life.. no friends as such. Very similar to my father. But this gentleman admitted that he could no longer garden, could no longer drive as far as he wanted etc.. but my father will not accept that he's the age he is, insists he can still do everything he used to, doesn't need any help whatsoever! Sorry digressing a little there..

@ VioletJane - we have mentioned his memory issues to him and explained that it could be caused by a lack of vitamins or something else etc., and if this is the case he could get treatment but he just dismissed this and of course no GP appointment was made.

@Canna - my father won't listen to anyone else.. but he's always been like this. His way or no way. He's right, everyone else is wrong.

 

[canary]

Im afraid that this attitude of always being right is typical dementia - even if they were never like that before. They lose insight and do not believe that they have changed at all and think they are still totally able to do everything that they used to.

Also, if you ask someone with dementia if they want something, or are going to do something, then the default answer is almost always no. So when presenting them with choices dont give them the option to say no - ask them if they are going to do this, or that (no "no" option), or dont give them the choice at all and just do it.

 

[Felinefan66]

Any suggestion what to do about the following situation:

he has a daily newspaper subscription that he pays by monthly direct debit and receives a booklet of vouchers to purchase his newspaper each day. We noticed recently that he hadn't used the vouchers for a week so obviously bought his paper instead costing him an extra £21 that week. We mentioned this to him and he said 'I didn't think I had vouchers.. I must remember to use them.'

I have suggested that he simply cancel the direct debit and just pay normally each day for his paper. He didn't want to do this. But if this continues and he forgets for one week, or two etc., he's continuing to pay twice for his newspaper. I can't call the newspaper myself and cancel his DD for him obviously so what do I do.. I don't want to see him waste his money but if he's not willing to cancel the DD, and forgetting to use his vouchers I can't see anyway to stop this vicious circle.

 

[Canna]

Does the farmer, your father's landlord, have your contact details, and does he have the sort of relationship with your father that you feel you could speak to him yourself about how he thinks your father is? He may already have concerns, and will be a useful ally in monitoring how your father is.

I wouldn't worry too much about being assertive - confrontation won't work with anyone with dementia, because they are no longer able to think logically, and the default position will be to say No. It may feel like 'going behind his back', but you need to be pragmatic, and what you're actually doing is taking steps to protect someone who is probably scared and confused, and certainly likely to become at risk. Tact, diplomacy, cunning... all useful skills to develop.

The newspaper is frustrating, but I'm not sure there's much you can do about it without POA.

 

[Veritas]

@Felinefan66
I am sorry it’s so difficult for you at the moment.

The big red flag that came out at me from what you have written is that he is still driving. From what you describe, he has more than mild dementia (or cognitive impairment of whatever cause if not dementia) and he is likely to be unsafe on the road. I know this is a really tough one, but this needs to stop before there is a horrible accident.

On the will/LPA issue, you really need to involve a solicitor who will be able to assess whether he has capacity for the decisions to be made. In addition to the suggestions above for encouraging him to do his LPAs, I might also point out to him that if he dies without a will his money/assets won’t necessarily go where he wants them to.

I agree with those who are saying you need to move into parent mode. It’s clear from what you’ve written that this is potentially a really difficult psychological shift for you to make, but in the long run it’s in his best interests. Sadly, he seems to be beyond understanding what his best interests might be, and it’s easier for him to lash out at others than acknowledge any frailty in himself. The problem is that it is not only him who is at risk as things stand.

 

[2ndAlto]

Is he still driving? - oh, sorry, I see @Veritas above has just commented on the same thing.

 

[Arya]

Good morning and thank you for the responses and words of support/advice.

I know absolutely without doubt that any letter from his GP asking him to attend the surgery for something non-essential (in my father's eyes), he will completely ignore and throw in the bin. As for taking him to the appointment.. that would be impossible.. he would adamantly refuse and become extremely angry. I can count on ONE hand the amount of times in his life time so far when he's been to the doctors.

Any assistance I provide such as, clear and simply written notes or similar date or other list reminders, are perfunctorily thrown out once my back is turned as he claims 'I don't need those to remind me!' I made a spreadsheet of some of his outgoings with details of provider, due dates, how much, who pays as a reminder because he's always asking me.. but again all I get is 'Yeh, yeh... I know all that!.' and it's put to one side.

Unfortunately I don't live near to him but do try to see him as often as possible, staying over a few days each time. Sadly it's just me.. my husband is a great support.. but no other siblings or close family who are able to see him.

Speaking to him yesterday again about getting his will organised .. even though I suggested it might be easier (helpful) for me to arrange an appointment for him to get his (free) will organised, as usual, he declined my assistance and said he would do it so I gave him the telephone number etc and the date for him to book himself a slot, met with huffing and tutting. Today, he's probably going to forget. And if I remind him I'll just get huffed and puffed at again. I can't help but just think.. oh well.. whatever.. I give up!

I know that unfortunately it seems that I'm being very negative and perhaps dismissive of people's advice but that's not the case.. I just know my father and the struggles I now have and will continue to have.

We've tried to sit down and talk about our observations and recalling instances but he folds his arms and exclaims "I just don't accept what you're telling me." End of subject.

Do I need to grit my teeth and get firmer with him? Can anyone understand when I say that I don't want to upset him.. i.e. make him feel that he's not being respected or that I'm treating him like a child just because he's elderly? I'm very conscious about not doing this.

Thanks all.

Hi Felinefan66
Do you have a good relationship with your dad? Do you ever tell him that you love him? If so, I think it might be time to use emotional blackmail and say that you are really worried about him and that if he loves you, he'll get a Will and P.O.A sorted just for your sake. It might work, it's certainly worth trying don't you think?.
I wish you all the best.

 

[Coco23]

Wow that really sounds like my dad so I understand completely. We've just had a few days away and some very odd conversations to say the least! Then he can be fine the next day. Thankfully my mum is still about and able to keep him on the straight and narrow a bit but he is 81 and she's 87 so tiring for her. I feel the same about going to the gp behind his back, but like your dad he won't go himself so I am going to try and call and speak to someone at the surgery. This must be so common. I've just got the PoA signed although he couldn't remember his old signature. It's odd how words and reading have gone - he was a journalist so words were his thing. I think we should both try the GP. Good luck and stay strong x

 

[Felinefan66]

Quick question - Dad's shower has not been working for about 18 months now. A boiler repair guy came recently to fix his oil boiler and I mentioned to him about the shower - when one is in the shower and need to reduce the temperature, when the temperature dial is turned down to cool, the shower makes a humming noise and water just trickles out. Apparently this is a common pressure valve issue when the shower is 20 years old and not used for ages.

Now, as Dad doesn't shower these days, do I bother to get this fixed or just leave it? Reason I'm asking is that his landlord, a local farmer in his late 70s, it's not easy to call him.. I could write to him asking him to get someone to fix it, but if they turn up and say I've come to fix your shower, Dad will say, 'there's nothing wrong with it!' because he just doesn't remember.. and I have to sort of tell his landlord in the letter that Dad's memory is not as good as it was without him thinking Dad's now a liability! I also want his landlord to put in a new smoke alarm. I guess there's no harm in writing and trying to get both issues sorted out.. I know it's not my business but Dad doesn't remember (he insists he showers 2-3 times a week, which is impossible due to shower issue).

 

[sdmhred]

Hello @Felinefan66

i think your idea of writing is a good one 😀

I dont think you need to tell the landlord about the memory problems. Could you just ask that the workmen ring you to arrange the repair …and can you be there to facilitate??

 

[Felinefan66]

Hi @sdmhred,

Yes, I've already thought about getting this sorted when we next visit him..

Dad is still very much on the ball to get very narked if he feels I'm interfering or being bossy.. and would probably ask why I'm getting this sorted as he's quite capable! despite the fact that he keeps forgetting the problem with the shower.