Niaive Newcomer

[jbaxter]

Hi,
I'm trying to find out as much information as I can about how to move forward with my parents. I am 58 years old and my mother is 78 and my father is 81. I do not live with my parents but I have health issues, my main concern being that I have a benign brain tumour. So I am doing all I can to live a less stressed life.
My mother has been a "1950's wife", waiting on my father hand and foot throughout their 60+ years of marriage. He in turn has been quite a difficult person to live with, as he had quite a temper if he did not agree with something or if things were not going his way. I remember constant rows when my younger brother and I were growing up. He seemed to mellow a bit over the years and then gradually he started to forget things, repeat himself, be unpredictable.
Mum was very ill two years ago and was in hospital for six weeks. After four weeks dad also ended up in hospital at the same time. It was at this point that my brother and I realised just how much he had become reliant on mum. He couldn't remember any details when being admitted and was very aggressive and demanding to staff. I had a word with nurses and doctors and explained that we thought he had dementia. They supposedly did a test whilst he was in hospital and they said he was O.K. He is far from O.K. with his behaviour.
Since this time he has gone worse with his behaviour and has become even more dependant on mum. Mum has gradually gone very frail and is very tired and exhausted with caring for him. (He thinks he looks after her).
I spoke with the doctor again last week and explained I was worried about mum looking after dad but didn't really get anywhere.
Mum swings from feeling loyal to dad to feeling totally at the end of her tether.
She has gone to the doctor with dad a few times but dad manages to persuade the doctor that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him, and later she pays for even saying anything.
Today I am worried this will all end badly, as I feel now mum does not want to stay with him. However, dad could not be left alone. He would not remember to turn off the stove, etc. Who do I contact to improve this situation please?????

 

[jaymor]

Hello Jbaxter and welcome to the forum.

If the doctor is not being helpful then telephone Your Local Authority and ask for the Adult Social Care Team. They are there to help with any adult that there are concerns over their ability to run their day to day life safely. Explain to them, as you have here, the problems your Dad is having and how your Mum is struggling both physically and mentally trying to care for him.

Your Dad can be assessed as to his needs and so can your Mum as to what help she needs to help her care.

There is help out there, you just sometimes need to keep pushing. Hopefully you will find it fairly straight forward but please use the forum to get support and questions answered or just to have a chat, there is always someone ready and willing to help.

Take care,

Jay

 

[Pigeon11]

Hello jbaxter

Welcome to TP - you'll find people on here really helpful and supportive and it sounds this is just what you need. What a difficult situation you have. It must be so difficult when you have health worries too so the sooner you get some help, the better.

So, I agree with Jay, you should involve the Adult Social Care Team as soon as possible and ask them to assess your parents' needs. Your Mum sounds as though she isn't coping at all and whatever is wrong with your dad, she most certainly needs some help.

But also, from what you've said in your post, it seems you don't yet have a formal diagnosis of dementia as you said the tests were done two years ago when there was found to be no problem. If this is the case, as his behaviour/memory has got worse I think you should ask the GP to do relevant tests (blood etc) to establish whether there is justification to refer him to a dementia specialist. This may be difficult as it seems your dad isn't accepting of any problems, but this is common and GPs should be aware of how to approach it. There is some useful information on the NHS website. I'm not IT savvy enough to put a link on here but if you type "how to get a diagnosis of dementia' into Google, the website will come up near the top.

I think things will get easier once you know what you're dealing with and when you've moved things forward a little. You may have to assert yourself with the (unhelpful?) GP and press for it but it will be worth it to know something's happening and you might be able to have some support with things.

I wonder if you need a little support too on a personal level? You have a lot to cope with and I hope you have family or friends that can help. If not, why not consider asking your own GP if anyhting is availble to help you cope with all the stress?

Good luck with everyhting and let us know how things are going

x

 

[shine and dine]

Changing your GP

And if all that doesn't help, change your GP. I did here in Munich and am now getting great service from my GPs. There are several in this surgery and much more caring than the one doctor I had before who was obviously overloaded. I now definitely prefer larger surgeries where one has a choice. They are also much more efficient. I have also found that younger doctors are now often better trained in more modern universities to deal with dementia. My mum is 92 and lives with me. She had her stroke in 1999 and has lived with me ever since as the dementia started a few years later. The Caritas here has provided me with support on the telephone and in person and helped with paperwork and advice when it has got beyond me. They have also provided such things as a half day course for learning how to move invalids out of bed, into a wheelchair, and so forth. It all really helps.

Unfortunately I find that when I go on holiday the various care homes I have left her in are pitiful. She loses 4 kg in weight over 2 weeks because they don't bother to help her with eating. She stinks when I pick her up as they haven't bothered to wash her so the first thing I have to do when I get home is give her a shower and wash her hair. In two homes this year when I went to pick her up she had dirtied her nice dress and wasn't wearing any incontinence pants though they were in her cupboard in her room. So I am dead against the idea of a home and prefer to do everything myself for as long as possible though I am now 64 and have rheumatism and we both suffer terribly from the cold. Hope you never experience this in any homes. Good luck