1. Earlybird

    Earlybird New member

    Aug 7, 2018
    Thanks for the acceptance in desperation ive looked for some advice and ive found you x Its been a rough day..first in a while mums been quiet of late thankfully. Been at my parents most of the afternoon and again this evening. Couldnt talk mum round at all today. Adamant she doesnt want to be anywhere near my dad ..why is he in my house.. who said he could be here .. trying to send him away ..threatening to leave herself.. you cant keep me here ..i want to go home right now...im not married ..never been married ..i dont want a relationship ..ive always been on my own..all so contradictory married to dad 54 years and 50 years in the same house. Deflection exhasting and not working at all. I stop talking and she says..im going to tell him to leave right now n up she gets shouting again. Shes thrown things at him tonight sooo angry. Reluctantly eventually she agreed to stay there tonight on the understanding that shes moving out tomorrow.. thankfully she wont remember that in the morning. Everyones totally shattered her included. Will try to get a sample in the morning just to rule out the dreaded UTI and we have mental health specialist nurse visiting in the afternoon..which in my experience means very little. Looking at homes but sooo difficult to find a place even for respite and its a minefield of questions as self funding n nowhere seems to have any spaces. Feels very isolating and frightening sometimes for poor disabled dad no one seems to be able to help just me and my sister and carer who comes in to get her up n showered each day. People come to see her and shes as nice as pie ..butter wouldnt melt but the minute they leave its back to the usual. Tried the emergency helpline previously..they just informed specialist nurse who called 3 days later. She told him to call the helpline!! .To be honest by the time anyone would get to him the episode would be over. Sorry for the rant when ive only been accepted for 5 mins..just been a bit of a day x
  2. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    Don't apologise, a rant is perfectly acceptable here.Your poor father. Hope you manage to get a sample - just out of interest, how are you hoping to achieve this? Does your mother use a commode?
  3. Normaleila

    Normaleila Registered User

    Jun 4, 2016
    Hi Earlybird
    Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. The good news is that you've found this forum. I've always found it very helpful.
    It sounds as though you and your Dad know that your Mum needs specialist care and she'll be self funding. But of course it's not as simple as that - you need to find a suitable care home. It's not easy.
    Carehome.co.uk is one place to start. Have you visited any homes? Even if they don't have places, it's useful to see some and get an idea. Atmosphere and staff are more important than decor and gardens (although my aunt's is lovely with stunning gardens). It may be worth looking at bit further afield than you'd first think of. Others will be along soon with more advice. Good luck x
  4. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    Tough day for you and your dad today. What you describe can unfortunately be common with some who have declining dementia. I think the situation has now reached the point of considering your dad's health and welfare and the impact it is having on him. A care home is perhaps needed sooner than later. Some homes do not offer respite they would rather only take long term which from a business and practical viewpoint it is often harder and staff intensive to keep settling changing residents every few weeks however many do. Phone a few to get an idea of availability and cost..look at their details on Care UK site which will also give you CQC reports...do a shortlist and visit a few. There are quite a few different threads on TP which will help you to know what to look for...compromise on...gut instinct.Do you or your dad have power of attorney...health and/or finance? If she is in the care of the mental health team is she considered still to have mental capacity to make meaningful decisions?
  5. Hazara8

    Hazara8 Registered User

    Apr 6, 2015
    Wait upon the possible UTI. But it sounds like you are touching 'emergency respite'. A proper assessment should be in place in order to gain perspective on your situation. I am afraid that it is a truism with dementia, that the severity and sheer depth of despair often experienced by a spouse/carer, is lost on 'visitors' and even family. Your father must be subject to the kind of 'torture' which can be a constant feature of dementia presenting in a loved one and which cannot be really appreciated unless you have lived with it.

    The rant is a kind of safety valve. But it's best not to allow things to boil over and become impossible.

    Good wishes.
  6. Earlybird

    Earlybird New member

    Aug 7, 2018
    Who does this assessment? Weve spoken to carers trust and the social working team but got nowhere. Social workers wont get involved as she has too much money and carers trust will only do a phone assessment and want to speak to dad whose quite deaf and rarely follows a phone conversation. We booked one when both my sister and i were there 3 weeks ago but they didnt call at the specified time and we both had to leave before they did actually call and if course he couldnt manage the call himself. Its all lost on me Im not sure what to do and where to go.
  7. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    Welcome to TP, @Earlybird. I'm sorry you and your parents are having such a hard time with your mum's condition. It is my understanding that your dad is still entitled to a carers assessment and your mum to a care needs assessment regardless of ability to pay, it should give everyone a chance t at least discuss what your options are and social services should be able to at least advice on where you can get help. I know you have been let down by helplines, but the Alzheimer's Society national dementia line may be able to help. You can speak to them yourself as a concerned family member.
    National Dementia Helpline
    0300 222 11 22
    Our helpline advisers are here for you.
    Helpline opening hours:
    Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
    Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
    Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

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