new beginnings

[truth24]

Oh dear, mabbs. Hopefully, as you say, this is the settling in time and he will find find his rhythm and eventual contentment. Fred was like this too, sometimes just settling into a chair for a quick doze in one of the lounges in between his wanderings but I understand he sleeps quite soundly now on most nights. He still dozes off during the day but the CH is so hot it makes me dozy too. As you say, we have to remember how lovingly they are cared for and that we can't provide that level of care no matter how much we would like to. Take care of yourself too.

 

[pamann]

Thinking of you mabbs, hope your next visit is better, so upsetting for you, l do hope Phil settles soon, and that you will have happier times when you visit.

 

[nannylondon]

Hi Mabbs so sorry you are having such a horrible experience seems to be same as mine Chris is the same as Phil doesn't look at me or talk when I visit I talk away to him with no response he isn't sleeping well but this isn't new but he is well looked after and I know I couldn't have managed him at home any longer the decline over the last few months has been shocking but I know he is still my Chris hugs to you Mabbs Sandi xx

 

[Scarlett123]

Mabbs and Nanny - my heart goes out to both of you. I know only too well how sad it is when the strong, loving person, who once made your heart sing, doesn't have a clue who you are, where they are, or whether it's day or night, winter or summer.

But please tell yourselves that you have done the best you can, and your loved one is being well cared for - and you can do no more. Looking back, the few months that John was in a Care Home were far more difficult than life is now.

I'd come home with my face aching from the effort of putting on Bright Cheerful Smiles, I'd rehearse things to talk about, only to find a blank stare in return or, worse still, John's (then) habit of looking over my shoulder and peering at .......... nothing.

And I rarely managed a journey home without tears in my eyes, followed by a good bawling at home. You are all doing a wonderful job, just being there.

 

[nannylondon]

Mabbs and Nanny - my heart goes out to both of you. I know only too well how sad it is when the strong, loving person, who once made your heart sing, doesn't have a clue who you are, where they are, or whether it's day or night, winter or summer.

But please tell yourselves that you have done the best you can, and your loved one is being well cared for - and you can do no more. Looking back, the few months that John was in a Care Home were far more difficult than life is now.

I'd come home with my face aching from the effort of putting on Bright Cheerful Smiles, I'd rehearse things to talk about, only to find a blank stare in return or, worse still, John's (then) habit of looking over my shoulder and peering at .......... nothing.

And I rarely managed a journey home without tears in my eyes, followed by a good bawling at home. You are all doing a wonderful job, just being there.

Thanks for your kindness Scarlett you have described exactly how I feel after I visit Chris I have to force myself to go and then I feel.guilty at my feelings I know he is in the best place but I still.miss the man he used to be.

 

[mabbs]

Thanks for your kindness Scarlett you have described exactly how I feel after I visit Chris I have to force myself to go and then I feel.guilty at my feelings I know he is in the best place but I still.miss the man he used to be.

Oh, me too, and thanks Scarlett from me a well, your description(s) fit me to a tee. But I am ever hopeful that I will walk in and he will smile at me again, early days, wonder how long I will be saying that. I too miss my man, people say "you have your own life to live" ok they are right, but he is my life, so its hard to do things without him.
hugs to both if you. Sandra

 

[mabbs]

well Phil has been in his new "home" for almost 3 weeks now, and he has settled well, he flinches if I touch him, and has no idea who I am, but he is happy eating well, and wonder of wonders taking his meds, no problems at all. He is even sleeping better, there are day rooms dotted about and he has found a quiet one, not long refurbished, and only opened in the last week, so not many of the residents use it, it has a nice view of the garden too, its such a relief that he is settled. Visiting is a bit of a strain, he has gone so far from me now, but he is looking better calmer. Still come home and have a cry, I guess that's normal for all of us in the same situation, son came with me Friday, he was really upset when we left, to see his Dad as he is now, he hadn't seen him for 2 weeks, daughter coming this weekend.
My biggest problem at the moment is how lonely I feel at times, I try and keep busy, but sadly I have no friends anywhere near. Been thinking of volunteering as a befriender at the carers centre, will see how things go as time goes on. Haven't been o n for a while so wish you all well.

 

[pamann]

Hello mabbs so pleased for you that your hubby has settled, it must be lonely for you, l would feel the same, luckily l do play bowls so that will be good for me when my hubby goes into CH. It would be good for you to do some sort of voluntary work, it would help you to feel less lonely, l wish you well whatever you do.

 

[Jinx]

Mabbs, so pleased to hear your husband has settled, although obviously upsetting for you that he no longer knows you. Loneliness is a problem for many, apart from volunteering which is a great idea, are there any groups you could join? I know WI isn't for everyone but I have found them sociable. Perhaps you could take up a hobby or if you already have interests find a group you could join to carry on with those. I don't know your age so this may not be suitable but in our area Age Concern have a centre providing all sorts of activities, social events, lunches etc. hope you find something suitable.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[Scarlett123]

I'm so glad your hubby has settled in his new home, though I know what a dreadful strain these visits are - and how awful loneliness is. I think that when ones spouse goes into care, that in itself, is a bereavement. You've lost the love of your life, your best friend, soul mate, partner and are now breaking your heart over someone who still lives, but doesn't even recognise you.

I've been through so many different stages of mourning. The first was in 2002, when John was diagnosed. I mourned the John who had been so strong and vibrant, and I was frightened as to what my role would now be, and what lay ahead.

I mourned the loss of time to myself, the lack of sleep, the endless repeating of things, the mess, the washing etc. I had periods when I resented like hell the numerous phone calls I had to make, arranging appointments, incontinence pants, Day Centres, even repair men, because John could no longer do those things, and I didn't know how to.

I mourned the fact that the happy, easy going life we enjoyed, often in companionable silence, had gone. And then, after John died, I mourned his loss, and the life I now had to find for myself. I don't have a huge extended family, and so, after a few months I started volunteering at the local Citizens Advice Bureau, a couple of days a week, filling in forms, and that helps me feel needed.

I'm going to join a local choir, called The Can't Sing Choir (!) next month, I've managed a visit on the train to friends in Devon, and I have another visit next month to friends in Yorkshire. Just a few days, but it's a break, and lovely to have company. But it's still one step at a time for me.

You've done your best, and though the visits can be heartbreaking for you, you know your lad is in the best place. Good luck, my friend. xxx

 

[nannylondon]

Hi Mabbs I have been thinking about you sorry to hear you are feeling lonely I know exactly what you mean I can only agree with others maybe try and maybe do some volunteering or join some clubs I know making the first step is hard but I hope you can do it.
I am in the same position with visiting Chris has deteriorated so much doesn't know who we are both my sons are finding it difficult to visit sometimes I just come home from visit and cry for ages.
Sending you hugs Mabbs xxSandi

 

[mabbs]

thanks you for your kind thoughts all of you, I have signed up to volunteer as a befriender, a 2 day course the next 2 tuesdays, its a start, WI might be for me, I will look into it, I do like needlework, and try to paint now and then, so maybe I will be able to find a group(s) to join.

My life has revolved around Phil and our home for so long, its hard to move on, but I must, and I will.

 

[2jays]

Yes you must, and you will

But it isn't easy is it

Well done for making a start xxxxxx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[nannylondon]

thanks you for your kind thoughts all of you, I have signed up to volunteer as a befriender, a 2 day course the next 2 tuesdays, its a start, WI might be for me, I will look into it, I do like needlework, and try to paint now and then, so maybe I will be able to find a group(s) to join.

My life has revolved around Phil and our home for so long, its hard to move on, but I must, and I will.

I am know it's hard to move on but so pleased you are finding things to do Mabbs I am sure that is what your Phil would want hugs xx

 

[mabbs]

Just had a lovely weekend with daughter, we visited Phil twice, both times went well, although he was in bed both times, he did get up on the first visit, he wont go to sleep until around 4am so he sleeps late in the day, he looks well is eating well, and smiled a few times.

It was so nice to have Sue here, missing her already, we didnt do much, just chilled but its so nice to have her to chat to.

Tomorrow I am going on a befriending course, hoping that will be a start to meeting people and moving on a bit.

 

[nannylondon]

Hi Mabbs glad you had a lovely weekend with your daughter and that you had good visit with Phil hope you enjoy your befriending course I am sure you will be a great befriends as your empathy comes across in your posts hugs from Sandi xx

 

[Chuggalug]

Hope the befriending course goes well for you, Mabbs. I'm hoping to do something like that when things finally settle down. 'Nother coupla months and I should know where I stand, I hope.

Do let us know how it all goes for you