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Nastiness towards wife

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Talking Point' started by Salvia, Jul 10, 2018.

  1. Salvia

    Salvia Registered User

    Jul 10, 2018
    21
    Hi, my husband had a brain haemorrhage some years ago but in the last year has rapidly gone downhill. He has been diagnosed with vascular dementia. He has now turned quite nasty with me. Telling me i want his car and money and am horrible to him despite everything I try to do. I do not know how to handle this. I have tried to tell I love him and do not want anything from him except for him to be there. It hurts so much.
     
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
    3,242
    Male
    Cyprus
    Hello and welcome. You have come to the right place for information and support.

    Communicating with a person with dementia is difficult and there is a great thread, which preaches perfection but contains a lot of good advice. It can be found by clicking this link https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

    There is also a great publications list and you will find a factsheet about agitation etc. You can find the list by following this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

    I hope these help you both.
     
  3. karaokePete

    karaokePete Volunteer Host

    Jul 23, 2017
    3,242
    Male
    Cyprus
    BTW @Salvia, it is hard to take when our OH turns nasty, no matter what we do. Many a time I've ended up in tears wondering why I'm bothering. Every time I've just reminded myself that my wife can no longer help how she behaves and that I'm 'in it for the long haul' because I love her and I know that if the tables were turned she would help me because she loves me too.

    It's an emotional roller coaster but I've found it get easier to get over the hurt as time goes on and I get more experienced with dealing with all the issues.

    Now that you have joined TP you will find the forum a friendly place where you can talk about feelings and get support.
     
  4. love.dad.but..

    love.dad.but.. Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    3,657
    Kent
    Although different as my pwd was my dad I echo what karaokePete has posted. As time went on and dad declined further I found it helpful as dad was being verbally aggressive to remind myself that it was the illness talking not dad and to think of him by a different name that reflected his move into nasty dementia which helped me to distance my emotions from my normally gentle kind dad and which I still glimpsed sometimes. It is a hard emotional rollercoaster indeed and I found I had to be very flexible to change conversation direction at the first sign if agitation and also remove myself from his space...go and make a cup of tea or into the garden...often his mood changed on the turn of a sixpence...but it could go either way....
     
  5. Salvia

    Salvia Registered User

    Jul 10, 2018
    21
     
  6. Salvia

    Salvia Registered User

    Jul 10, 2018
    21
    Thank you so much for your helpful information. I too remind myself that he does not mean what he says and it is just the illness and that he would do the same for me. It is just hard sometimes not to cry. This particular episode ended up with him deciding to go out for a walk!! Not good as he gets lost and cannot see properly to cross roads. I could not physically stop him. He came back OK but remembers nothing of my taking him the golf range in the morning or the rest of the day. Has now gone to bed. Thought it was for a nap so had totally lost track of the day.
     
  7. Salvia

    Salvia Registered User

    Jul 10, 2018
    21
     
  8. Salvia

    Salvia Registered User

    Jul 10, 2018
    21
    Thank you so much for replying yo my post. I realise that this is just going to get worse. I am learning to switch off and walk away. Hopefully the awful hurt will lessen. I do realise it is not him. He often is very sorry afterwards. I tell him it is not his fault it is the illness.
     
  9. Hazara8

    Hazara8 Registered User

    Apr 6, 2015
    347
    Always a difficult thing to be confronted with, especially in one so close. Vascular dementia is complex and its presentation equally so. Taking any aggression personally is almost an instinctive act in the normal way of things, but with dementia, it is the disease which plays havoc with a brain, making it uncertain, confused, afraid and whatever else and in that context one looks to treating it or reacting to it as an unwanted guest and something removed from the loved one you know. In that respect one's attitude changes from apprehension, irritation, hurt, to one of both awareness and reassurance. We are not talking about physical danger here, that is quite a different matter. Changes in the brain bring about all manner of reactions and feelings in the one who is living with that disease and understanding this is imperative. But none of this is easy and one has to respect this always. But in the Care Home you see almost everything related to dementia. The other day a lovely resident came up to me and confided something into my ear, I responded accordingly, very gently and with a genuine smile. A few moments later, having walked a few feet away, this same resident picked up on something being told to me by a Carer, something which bore no relation whatsoever to the resident in question. But this same lovely resident glared back at me, eyes wide and very severe and reprimanded me with some anger in the voice. Such is dementia. Such is behaviour which stems from misconception, insecurity, confusion, lack of capacity and so on. Or even something else, infection, discomfort, pain. Maybe too, after a time you can recognise those things or 'triggers' which might bring about aggression and be ready to meet them, or back off, or distract. A 'stranger' in your midst can be deeply upsetting, but if one can see that the stranger is in fact the disease, then there is light in that midst and that light is your loved one.
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    67,077
    Kent
    I found this was the best thing to do @Salvia when I was in a similar position.

    There was no point in arguing back or discussing. It just didn`t work. When my husband was in that frame of mind there was nothing I could do to change it.

    I would go to another room, perhaps for half an hour and I usually came on Talking Point to have a little grumble.

    After a while I would return to my husband and ask if he would like a cup of tea. Usually he was grateful and nothing more was said.

    My husband also walked out when he was upset with me. Sometimes I let him go and sometimes I followed his at a distance and often phoned our son for assistance.
     
  11. mumsgone

    mumsgone Registered User

    Dec 23, 2015
    341
    It is hard but the main thing you have to do in all this is look after yourself as well as your oh. Try not to dwell on the arguments etc he is not himself and although it is really hurtful he really doesn't mean it. xx
     
  12. Salvia

    Salvia Registered User

    Jul 10, 2018
    21
     
  13. Salvia

    Salvia Registered User

    Jul 10, 2018
    21
    You so much for your help. My husband had walked out a couple of ones and I cannot physically stop him. I am trying to find a good tracker that I can put on his keyring.
     
  14. Sad Staffs

    Sad Staffs Registered User

    Jun 26, 2018
    395
    Female
    It’s all new for me too @Salvia. It still shocks me when he suddenly gets verbally very aggressive, he doesn’t even look like the man I love. He just instantly changes. But just as quickly it’s gone again and he is back.
    It’s so hard to handle. You are not on your own. It’s such a learning curve. The problem is that we don’t want this do we? We want them back, but it isn’t going to happen. And after being with someone for such a long time this is my life. For me there is nothing else. If you have family and good friends Salvia, let them help, support and love you.
     
  15. Salvia

    Salvia Registered User

    Jul 10, 2018
    21
     
  16. Salvia

    Salvia Registered User

    Jul 10, 2018
    21
    Thank you so for your responses. I am trying to sort out a GPS keyring locator as he keeps walking out when he is nasty and anxious. He was gone 2 hours in hot sun last time and locator app I had on our phones did not locate him at all.
     
  17. Salvia

    Salvia Registered User

    Jul 10, 2018
    21
    Thank you so for your responses. I am trying to sort out a GPS keyring locator as he keeps walking out when he is nasty and anxious. He was gone 2 hours in hot sun last time and locator app I had on our phones did not locate him at all.
     
  18. Salvia

    Salvia Registered User

    Jul 10, 2018
    21
    I have just purchased a Doro fliptop phone for him as he could not use his smart phone when he was out. The Doro has a button on the back which when he presses it connects him straight to me and he does not even have to put it to his ear to hear me or speak. Next stop tracker. B in bed, relaxing music on for me.
     
  19. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    67,077
    Kent
    I had a pet tag , a metal disc put on my husband's key ring. It was engraved with his name, our home phone number and the fact my husband had Alzheimers and Dementia.

    He always went out with his keys and the disc was permanently there, in case a time came when he wouldn't know his contact number or how to get hold of me. It was also in case of heightened confusion caused by his diabetes as well as his dementia.
     
  20. Salvia

    Salvia Registered User

    Jul 10, 2018
    21
    Hi thanks for that. Unfortunately B is often not able to find his way back when out and is visually impaired so I need to be to locate him and collect him. He does now have access to the button on the phone to contact me but that would not tell me where he was. It will have be something with GPS X
     

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