my mum's illness is progressing, feeling helpless + useless.

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Rosie, Dec 13, 2004.

  1. Rosie

    Rosie Registered User

    Jun 10, 2004
    235
    South East Wales, UK.
    I've just come off the phone from my dad asking how my mum was , she has had a chest infection the last few week's and it just doesn'e seem to be getting better. The medical staff have tried antibiotic's and it hasn't really helped. I know my mum's illness is progressing but it's not getting any easier knowing that the time she's spending on this earth she is suffering more and more. When I visited last her chest was bubbly, my dad say's it's no better, I'm going to visit tomm and tonight I'm bawling like a baby.
    The thought of sitting there and seeing my mother suffer just brings the tears streaming down. I want to be strong, I don't want to cry in front of my mum but seeing her suffer like this is breaking my heart. I wish I could find strength from somewhere. Rosie
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Rosie

    I'm really sorry you're going through this, but use AD against itself. Mum probably won't notice it if you cry and if she does she won't know the reason [if she asks, just say you've had a bad day], and will forget in any case very quickly.

    Remember that dementia does appear to dull the senses to pain and discomfort for the patient, so Mum is probably not feeling as bad as you imagine.

    Tears are the body's way of flushing our despair and grief, amongst other things, and it is good to go with the flow [no pun intended] sometimes. So cry when you are there if you need to.

    There's at least one heart broken for every case of dementia and contrary to some opinion, broken hearts don't mend, but you can and will build scar tissue so it doesn't always hurt so badly.

    For the moment, try and concentrate on making your visit to see Mum count as much as it can. Then check on Dad. You don't mention how he is. He may not appear to be in as much pain as is probably the case.

    But as much as anything else, take care of yourself.
     
  3. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Dear Puffy Eyes

    Sorry if I'm a little late with this. See these shoulder pads I'm wearing? They're the extra absorbent, extra large size and very wide. I suspect you've already been to visit and are now feeling devastated. Of course, seeing your beloved Mum suffer is the worst. But you are strong, don't doubt that. It would take an emotional hardnut not to be upset at what you are experiencing. And you are not that, you love your Mum. It's normal to feel so and, more than that, the tears are allowed. Don't apologise for them.

    But take heart. As many people here will tell you, chest infections are notoriously difficult to cure and take a lot of time and patience. They also render the AD sufferer extremely weak when they are already at their most vulnerable. Mum is having the best of care. And, you know, I suspect she is so weakened at the moment that she may not notice your tears if you break down in front of her. Just have a tissue ready to rub across your face for that terrible attack of hay fever, flu, or whatever to explain away your face watering. It doesn't matter which. I cry every time I visit my Mum in a nursing home, never get used to it, and would you believe, even knowing that, I'm still vain enough to wear mascara! The mess! You'd think I'd have learnt by now.

    Take strength from the power of your love, the knowledge that you are there to support her, and Dad. And use this site, hopefully getting some of it out may just help a little. You're doing fine, day by day (Norman's wise mantra - you will come across Norman on here, I'm sure).

    Be kind to yourself too, you're very important. Your Mum would not like it if you didn't, I'm sure.

    Kindest wishes
    Chesca
     
  4. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Dear Rosie
    don't worry about crying I am a big boy and I cry with frustration,I cry for the beautiful wife who is slipping away from me.
    I cry when she is verbally abusive to me,but I know it's the AD and not her talking.
    It upsets me when she asks me"where is Norman"and I am sitting by her.
    Chesca gave the now accepted "Day by Day" but add on to that "Tomorrow WILL BE better"
    aLL THE BEST
    NORMAN
     
  5. Rosie

    Rosie Registered User

    Jun 10, 2004
    235
    South East Wales, UK.
    Dear All,
    Thank you so much for listening, reading + understanding. I know myself each day is different, and I must take it as it is. I'm really grateful for each of you who take the time to reply, when I read your replys I may just cry again but I'm thankful I can open up + you all understand . Thank you for your concern + support , it means so much . xx
     
  6. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hey Rosie, cryings the name of the game here some days. We all do it, thats partly why we understand, 'cause we all have a similar feeling to things. How is your Mum today? As the others have said, chest infections and AD seem to go together often, my Mum had loads, couldn't cough up stuff so it lasted longer, she just didn't understand how to cough. Just love her and be there, thats all you can do, sounds as if she is getting good care so be glad of that. Chesca is right, she probably won't realise what is making you cry, just be inventive if needed. Mum used to comfort me, I'd be down, because, etc. then she'd say, you must be so tired, you look worn out, and we'd have a hug and it was OK again. One step, one day as they say. Love She. XX
     
  7. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Dear All

    Well,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I do have to tell you that today I laughed 'til I cried. Never use fabric conditioner on your stay-ups is my advice.

    There I was traipsing around, woman on a mission no mistake, to replace the banjoed tree stand I'd managed to fracture, decorating said tree. Partner up to his neck in important businessey things, the way men are at these times (yes, I know, earning the much appreciated wherewithall to provide for such doo dads) said he would do what he could do, but what he could do involved Araldite and a jubliee clip and 12 hours of engineering. I wanted it NOW. (the way we women are at these times) Like NOW! As you do. Planning mode! So, I said, leave it to me. After all, at this time of year there has to be a purveyor of tree stands not involving propping up a 35 ft oak we're only talking 6 of your non-metric feet. Well, he said, I did offer. Don't frass yourself with such fripperies, said I, if necessary I'll buy another tree! That shook the bank manager..........and the partner's suspension! As ever, I digress...........

    Dressed in my finery, I set forth in my gorgeous boots, unfortunately ill-equipped as they are for supermarket floors (no instructions as to how to slip your way across tiles - and for those who know me, tile skating is my forte) I found my stay-ups on a downer. I froze before Mr Muscle, remembering I was British, as said stocking slid as far as its journey would allow, that being the top of aforementioned boot whereat it hesitated as if on a life changing decision and chose the better, to it, of all worlds. It didn't go down into the boot, it chose to decoratively drape itself across the top in a sort of frill.............. There's not an awful lot you can do except look to someone to share the joke.

    Fortunately, the lady at the Fag counter who also deals with the greetings cards, knows me well from my crying as I've handed her the various purchases celebrating Mum's birthdays, anniversarys, whatever, after reading the verses and trying to pay in a a sort of shishorhlofhisshiccuppy shoulder wrenching hic to buy on behalf of Dad, too, it's a killer!. Fag and Newspapers Lady has been where we are, you see. Just hands me a tissue now she understands. No fuss, just hands me the tissue like normal service is assumed. Anyway, today after negotiating the PC possibilities of corruption of gift-giving to a member of staff I managed to ensure she received a small gift of a massive bouqet and a tale of my stockings. I don't even know this woman, but through our situation we share our tears. For most of the year, a tacet understanding. I rather like that. And I rather think she is quite extraordinary, whomsoever she is. Anyway we laughed my other stocking off!

    As for the tree? It is currently suitably engineered with Araldite, a couple of Jubliee clips and standing, nothing that a couple of miles of ribbon won't cover! What do I know? Never put conditioner in the wash containing your stay ups, particulary if your skirt is shorter than the ground! And always have a tree stand as a spare - they never mention that in all of the glamourous perfect hostess plans, do they?......

    ..........And that you find compassion and empathy in the most extraordinary places.

    Keep smiling and sharing your tears, all of us are loved and love, there's nothing better than that I'm learning.

    Chesca
     
  8. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi Ches, yes I can see it now, did make me laugh as I've had a few goes with hold ups myself. You'll have to get your suspenders out of mothballs if all else fails.Your lady sounds lovely, it's a funny thing but this illness not only destroys, it can make friendships where you least expect them, it's a common bond we can all share as carers. Have you seen about the sniffer tests in the paper today, seems it can help early detection? Also, read about Iris Murdoch, apparently her last novel, Jackson's Dilema shows early Alzheimers signs because she has simplified her speech in it. They reckon these sort of tests and signs will all soon help to detect problems. This will enable us to take the medicine to slow it down earlier on and hopefully hold it back more before long. Love She. XX
     
  9. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    My Darling Min

    After reading today's papers would you want to slow anything down? Just slash your wrists, all expenses paid, in the event.

    The irony of the mad Baronesses' utterings is that SHE should actually be Sectioned. If my, or, indeed, your mother had preached Matricide, Patricide, Fratricide, Insecticide we would all be hanging on a meat hook at your local butchers (post BSE, natturlich!). I suspect the demented old fool is probably in charge of some nusing home initiative and given local 'clearances' (we're are good at that being British) (selectively) Dont start me. I'm still trying to hold up me downer. And apart from that I'm having just a little but of fun in being able speak to you and if you get me going Nada will shout at me. And the only person who will blast her is me, or she me, or I'll send them a Glasgow Kiss. So where does that leave me?

    Think you've got problems? You should see me tree: it'll be weeks before I can hold my head up... and that's not all to do with hangovers. Honest!

    Love you and all that you do

    Chesca
     
  10. Rosie

    Rosie Registered User

    Jun 10, 2004
    235
    South East Wales, UK.
    Hi Sheila,
    Thanks for asking about mum, when I visited she looked so pale + lifeless, but she sleep's most of the time I visit normally, well, lately, I spoke to the nurse's asked them how she'd been with her food, + they said yes, no problems eating. So I took some comfort in that , her chest did seem a bit better + I persuaded her to open her eyes and eat some lunch, she didn't seem impressed with the lunch, she can only swallow pureed food now + it doe's look pretty disgusting but then it's only food that's been liquidised so I gently persuaded her to eat it, she did and a small trifle, so I left the ward a little happier , so hopefully she's over the worst of the chest infection.
    Thank you all for the words of support, very much appreciated.
    Rosie x
     
  11. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Rosie, glad today has been easier for you, that's all we can ask for really. She will sleep if she is poorly and it also happens with AD anyway sometimes. Pureed food is not too bad, I tasted it to prove it to my Mum and was pleasantly/thank God surprised! The care sounds good so just carry on with the loving bit, let the professionals do their bit and as we say, a day at a time. Love She. XX
     
  12. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    #12 Sheila, Dec 15, 2004
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2004
    Hi Ches, yes I know where your coming from. Been there too. Thing is , could a living will sort this one, for the good I mean, having seen quite a bit, I have a lot of reserves and questions given the opportunity.Love She. XX
     
  13. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hey Chess, just what IS a Glasgow kiss? Love She. XX
     
  14. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Chesca
    a Glasgow kiss?
    What are you a wonderful Scouse maid,my favourite judy talking about, what's wrong with a string of Liverpool butts?
    Norman
     
  15. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hey, am I a virgin or what!!?? Love She. XX
     
  16. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Dear Sheila

    Would that be a born again virgin?

    A Glasgow kiss? The same as a Glasgow handshake or a Kirkby kiss! Norman got it in one! A euphemism for a right royal head butting - a sort of battle maneouvre used by the less serene combatants of our various cities, mostly administered late on Saturday nights, prior to a ride home in a black mariah! I think!

    Norm, as for what am I talking about? It's an enquiry often heard in this house in reply to almost anything I utter!!

    Chesca
     
  17. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Rosie, please forgive our banter, how are things in your world? Ches, every Saturday night! Try it, works a treat!! Think I'll opt out of the kiss bit though! And of course as is so obvious from this message, no-one understands me either!! Love She. XX
     
  18. Rosie

    Rosie Registered User

    Jun 10, 2004
    235
    South East Wales, UK.
    Hello sheila,
    Things with my mum seems to be ok, just hoping the chest infection clears up soon, thank you for asking. Rosie x one day at a time.
     
  19. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,579
    Female
    Dundee
    As regards the Glasgow kiss - it's also fondly known as two wi' the heid and wan wi the bunnet!! (The bunnet (or flat cap) being where the razor blades were stored!

    Sorry Rosie -I hope things are going reasonably well for you.

    Take care

    Izzy
     
  20. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Well I never! Izzy, as my Nan always said, your never too old to learn.
    Rosie, how are things now? Love She. XX
     

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