I'm so pleased to see you here this morning Ang. You're definitely not a bad daughter (many perfectly good daughters wouldn't have given the level of care and support you're providing) and you're here with people who understand what you're going through. Keep your chin up a little while longer and see if you can get the help you so desperately need.
My Mum is killing me..........
- Thread starter Ang57
- Start date
I'm unsure if you mean what would I like the outcome to be Chemmy, or how would I like to go about reaching the ideal outcome for me?
I don't know how to reach the outcome I'd like, and do need advise. But my ideal outcome would be for Mum to allow me a break, by accepting other help and not relying completely on me. I have been unable to find work around Mum's needs, not wants, and this has come to a head because I've started applying for full time work, I really need to work, I've been living off my saving which are now almost gone.
Despite everything, I do want to be there for her and look after her for as long as I possibly can, but circumstances make it practically impossible if Mum refuses to co-operate. I know if I had something for myself in life, I'd be better equipped mentally to cope with Mum too. I've applied for voluntary work, just to get me out of the house, mixing with others again, and the beauty of that is that I can make sure the hours will fit around Mum. It will help me and I'll be doing something worthwhile until paid work comes along.
It's the isolation and loneliness that's eating away at me. But I've just arranged to visit a friend tomorrow evening when I have Mum settled, she will not like it, but I'm determined to follow the advise on here and start thinking of me a little at least. It's a shame that Mum cannot see that I have the need for company too. She doesn't want me to work full time, because she says she only feels safe if I'm at home with her.
Sorry this is a jumbled reply, and going off in so many directions.
I don't know how to reach the outcome I'd like, and do need advise. But my ideal outcome would be for Mum to allow me a break, by accepting other help and not relying completely on me. I have been unable to find work around Mum's needs, not wants, and this has come to a head because I've started applying for full time work, I really need to work, I've been living off my saving which are now almost gone.
Despite everything, I do want to be there for her and look after her for as long as I possibly can, but circumstances make it practically impossible if Mum refuses to co-operate. I know if I had something for myself in life, I'd be better equipped mentally to cope with Mum too. I've applied for voluntary work, just to get me out of the house, mixing with others again, and the beauty of that is that I can make sure the hours will fit around Mum. It will help me and I'll be doing something worthwhile until paid work comes along.
It's the isolation and loneliness that's eating away at me. But I've just arranged to visit a friend tomorrow evening when I have Mum settled, she will not like it, but I'm determined to follow the advise on here and start thinking of me a little at least. It's a shame that Mum cannot see that I have the need for company too. She doesn't want me to work full time, because she says she only feels safe if I'm at home with her.
Sorry this is a jumbled reply, and going off in so many directions.
That's a good start.
So you don't want to walk away? Given the circumstances, I find that highly commendable. I admire you hugely for that.
So when you seek advice this afternoon, keep what you've just said - your needs/wants - at the front of your mind. They are perfectly reasonable and attainable. Write them down and refer to them whan you're talking to others.
This is your line in the sand, and you need to get help, whether your mum agrees or not, to reach that position.
So you don't want to walk away? Given the circumstances, I find that highly commendable. I admire you hugely for that.
So when you seek advice this afternoon, keep what you've just said - your needs/wants - at the front of your mind. They are perfectly reasonable and attainable. Write them down and refer to them whan you're talking to others.
This is your line in the sand, and you need to get help, whether your mum agrees or not, to reach that position.
"she will not like it" - that jumped out at me. She won't. My circumstances are different Ang, but I'm also dealing with lots of things that my mum doesn't like but that actually have to happen, and often have to happen because they're by far the best thing for her.
I find it hard too but I'm starting to repeat to myself that while it's not my mum's fault that she's ill, it's not my fault either.
To be perfectly honest I suspect neither one of our mums will be happy whatever we do, so we might as well just get on doing what has to be done.
Take my advice... I'm not using it.
I find it hard too but I'm starting to repeat to myself that while it's not my mum's fault that she's ill, it's not my fault either.
To be perfectly honest I suspect neither one of our mums will be happy whatever we do, so we might as well just get on doing what has to be done.
Take my advice... I'm not using it.
Exactly. You are both the responsible adults now, not your mothers. Time to step up to the plate, ladies...from now on what you say, goes. We're all behind you.
Personally I found reaching that stage very liberating
You really need to look at getting mum some respite, you CANNOT continue like this, she may not like it to start with but she is expecting far to much from you IMO. My nan has always said that sheshe doesnt want to be a burden on any of us and wouldnt expect us to look after her (this was before the dementia) now we have a daily converstaion consisting of her telling us she doesnt want us to put her in a home. No-one wants to feel that they are failing their Mum/dad/grandparents (whoever it may be) but your health should take greater presidence (sp) over hers at the moment, what use will you be to anyone if you continue like this? Continuing this way will in a way be failing her.
Speak to her SW and ask for respite for her. We are just going through all this at the moment with my nan, but strangley when the SW brought it up she agreed to it, she goes in on Monday, and while in a way that still feels like ages away it has taken a great weight off our minds knowing that she will be safe and cared for without any of us getting anymore rund down with the stress.
My Nan is also getting her respite funded for 2-3 weeks, if it is then decided that she needs to go into resdiential care full time then we will have to sell her bungalow to fund this.
You need to do something to get this situation changed, you arent doing anyone any favours by trying to fight it on your own.
Take care, let us know how you get on.
Mel.x
Speak to her SW and ask for respite for her. We are just going through all this at the moment with my nan, but strangley when the SW brought it up she agreed to it, she goes in on Monday, and while in a way that still feels like ages away it has taken a great weight off our minds knowing that she will be safe and cared for without any of us getting anymore rund down with the stress.
My Nan is also getting her respite funded for 2-3 weeks, if it is then decided that she needs to go into resdiential care full time then we will have to sell her bungalow to fund this.
You need to do something to get this situation changed, you arent doing anyone any favours by trying to fight it on your own.
Take care, let us know how you get on.
Mel.x
Hold Your Head High
Ok
Stand up to her tell her she is LUCKY to have you there tell her what you are going to do ,Mum I am going out tommorrow night for haif an hour to see some friends (ok dont have to be real) Your Mum is how she is we cant change that but at 54 you are still full of life and dont ever think that this cant be stopped . But tell her what you are going to do if she complains tell her this is how it will be .So what if she goes off on one its only words Hurtful i know but you can do this .Loving and caring for someone is a chore we are all involved in and its not funny but try to get some break for yourself 2 days a week anything that gives you a break from her.You are not alone life is worth living .Remember what would she do without you ?? Chin up Girl
Bedhamptonboy
Ok
Stand up to her tell her she is LUCKY to have you there tell her what you are going to do ,Mum I am going out tommorrow night for haif an hour to see some friends (ok dont have to be real) Your Mum is how she is we cant change that but at 54 you are still full of life and dont ever think that this cant be stopped . But tell her what you are going to do if she complains tell her this is how it will be .So what if she goes off on one its only words Hurtful i know but you can do this .Loving and caring for someone is a chore we are all involved in and its not funny but try to get some break for yourself 2 days a week anything that gives you a break from her.You are not alone life is worth living .Remember what would she do without you ?? Chin up Girl
Bedhamptonboy
Dear Ang
What a nightmare. I hope you can get some solution with respite etc.
Meanwhile as you're in Blackpool have you got Mum signed up for "Vitaline", the local emergency contact service? http://www.blackpool.gov.uk/Services/S-Z/Vitaline Then if she has a problem when you're out of the house she can press her button and get help. Mother's had one here for years, never had to press it in earnest, but it's a huge relief to us to know that she's got it and could summon help if she had a crisis while we are out (husband and I are staying with her "temporarily" - 2 years and counting - since Father died as she can't cope on her own, but we think she's OK on her own for a few hours). With that in place, you should just tell her that you ARE going out, and that you know she will be safe.
Good luck.
Pam
What a nightmare. I hope you can get some solution with respite etc.
Meanwhile as you're in Blackpool have you got Mum signed up for "Vitaline", the local emergency contact service? http://www.blackpool.gov.uk/Services/S-Z/Vitaline Then if she has a problem when you're out of the house she can press her button and get help. Mother's had one here for years, never had to press it in earnest, but it's a huge relief to us to know that she's got it and could summon help if she had a crisis while we are out (husband and I are staying with her "temporarily" - 2 years and counting - since Father died as she can't cope on her own, but we think she's OK on her own for a few hours). With that in place, you should just tell her that you ARE going out, and that you know she will be safe.
Good luck.
Pam
Exactly. You are both the responsible adults now, not your mothers. Time to step up to the plate, ladies...from now on what you say, goes. We're all behind you.
Personally I found reaching that stage very liberating
Thank Chemmy. It's always good to hear that people have dealt with similar things and have come through the other side.
I was always wary of saying anything to my mum in case I hurt her feelings so for years (pre-dementia days) I gritted my teeth when she visited and got stuck into my housework, unasked. I took it as a huge insult. So when she succumbed to dementia, and I realised that the boot was on the other foot, and she now needed me to take control, I can remember feeling a huge relief that her well-meaning interfering was over.
In an effort to spare my daughter potentially these same feelings of resentment towards me, I spelled it out a couple of years ago that if she felt I was overstepping the mark, she was to tell me....
...and she has. Even though I've tried so hard not to interfere in her wedding plans, I clearly have on occasion managed to do so.
No, it wasn't nice for her to have to say it, and no, it certainly wasn't nice for me to hear it, but I respect her for having the guts to talk to me about it and hope our relationship in the future will be better for having cleared the air.
In an effort to spare my daughter potentially these same feelings of resentment towards me, I spelled it out a couple of years ago that if she felt I was overstepping the mark, she was to tell me....
...and she has.
Even though I've tried so hard not to interfere in her wedding plans, I clearly have on occasion managed to do so.No, it wasn't nice for her to have to say it, and no, it certainly wasn't nice for me to hear it, but I respect her for having the guts to talk to me about it and hope our relationship in the future will be better for having cleared the air.
I'm feeling so much better, thanks to everyone on here!!!! Cannot thank everyone enough!!!
In answer to Pam, yes Mum does have Vitaline already. She's had it for a couple of years.
The GP has just called back to clarify if a district nurse could cover Mum's insulin regularly if needed, and I've been told that they should be able to sort something out if I ever need that. Meanwhile, I took Katherine's advise and have spoken to the national helpline, and have been told that the responsibility does fall to the GP and a district nurse, and that I must insist if they attempt to tell me differently or fob me off.
And thanks to all the advise, I've decided that if the time comes when I cannot be here for her injections, despite Mum's refusal, I will arrange it regardless. Everyone here have given me the strength that I need to do what I know is best.
I am feeling calm now, and even if not quite at the stage of liberation just yet Chemmy, making that one decision has been like a weight lifted!!!!
Many sincere thanks to everyone!!!!
In answer to Pam, yes Mum does have Vitaline already. She's had it for a couple of years.
The GP has just called back to clarify if a district nurse could cover Mum's insulin regularly if needed, and I've been told that they should be able to sort something out if I ever need that. Meanwhile, I took Katherine's advise and have spoken to the national helpline, and have been told that the responsibility does fall to the GP and a district nurse, and that I must insist if they attempt to tell me differently or fob me off.
And thanks to all the advise, I've decided that if the time comes when I cannot be here for her injections, despite Mum's refusal, I will arrange it regardless. Everyone here have given me the strength that I need to do what I know is best.
I am feeling calm now, and even if not quite at the stage of liberation just yet Chemmy, making that one decision has been like a weight lifted!!!!
Many sincere thanks to everyone!!!!
Ange I think you are doing amazingly well. I have a partner, and my brother helps, and we just visit mum, don't have to live with her and even with all that I get overwrought so you are really really doing well - but you need to put yourself into the equation. Your life is every bit as important as your mother's.
My mum was absolutely adamant that she wasn't having outsiders in and that she certainly was not going to pay for anything..... We reluctantly and after much beating ourselves up emotionally, went 'behind her back' as she put it and now she has just this week started meals on wheels and will have home care once a day for social needs from Saturday. It is confusing her terribly but I hope for all our sakes that she settles to it.
There is help out there - save your own life and get other people involved as much as you can! You are in my thoughts with best wishes.
My mum was absolutely adamant that she wasn't having outsiders in and that she certainly was not going to pay for anything..... We reluctantly and after much beating ourselves up emotionally, went 'behind her back' as she put it and now she has just this week started meals on wheels and will have home care once a day for social needs from Saturday. It is confusing her terribly but I hope for all our sakes that she settles to it.
There is help out there - save your own life and get other people involved as much as you can! You are in my thoughts with best wishes.
Who would have thought that I'd be reading one thread last night, with fear and worry, yet the same thread today with a visible smile on my face!
The magic of Talking Point...
Your latest post, Ang, is such a breakthrough, and I'm so glad you rang the helpline for advice. Clearly they know better than most about what's what, and they have given you the strength to stand up for your rights and to stand up to the GP, if necessary. What a tool to have up your sleeve. I hope this small step has cleared some of the mist and shown you that you are still as strong as you used to be (probably stronger).
Your mum's demands are partly down to dementia (though you say she's always had this selfishness in her make up), but whatever the reason, the treatment and actions are the same. Why should 2 people have their lives reduced by dementia. It's bad enough that one already has.
The road ahead won't be smooth, but treat us all like a convoy...we'll call behind and warn you of the bumps in the road...then you do your best to get over them!
I'm so pleased for you. I hope you feel like a different woman, and all in less than 24 hours!
The magic of Talking Point...
Your latest post, Ang, is such a breakthrough, and I'm so glad you rang the helpline for advice. Clearly they know better than most about what's what, and they have given you the strength to stand up for your rights and to stand up to the GP, if necessary. What a tool to have up your sleeve. I hope this small step has cleared some of the mist and shown you that you are still as strong as you used to be (probably stronger).
Your mum's demands are partly down to dementia (though you say she's always had this selfishness in her make up), but whatever the reason, the treatment and actions are the same. Why should 2 people have their lives reduced by dementia. It's bad enough that one already has.
The road ahead won't be smooth, but treat us all like a convoy...we'll call behind and warn you of the bumps in the road...then you do your best to get over them!
I'm so pleased for you. I hope you feel like a different woman, and all in less than 24 hours!
Hi Ang
Sorry I am late catching up with your thread but I want to say my mum didn't like a lot of the things I had to do for her... take her to hospital, buy her a stair lift, help her into a care home, sell her house... she called me all sorts and was exceedingly angry. A mental health nurse told me that however your parent was, when they get dementia, those qualities they had most strongly become really exaggerated, and all the other facets of their character drop away. So, if Mum was depressed, with dementia she will become mega depressed. If she was an angry person, she will become mega angry. I don't know how true this is, but it seemed to fit my mum perfectly. It helped me to know I wasn't alone, and it helped to know there was a reason for it, and it wasn't that I was a nasty person or awful daughter.
You are a really generous and giving person. Please give to yourself a little bit!
Love
Sorry I am late catching up with your thread but I want to say my mum didn't like a lot of the things I had to do for her... take her to hospital, buy her a stair lift, help her into a care home, sell her house... she called me all sorts and was exceedingly angry. A mental health nurse told me that however your parent was, when they get dementia, those qualities they had most strongly become really exaggerated, and all the other facets of their character drop away. So, if Mum was depressed, with dementia she will become mega depressed. If she was an angry person, she will become mega angry. I don't know how true this is, but it seemed to fit my mum perfectly. It helped me to know I wasn't alone, and it helped to know there was a reason for it, and it wasn't that I was a nasty person or awful daughter.
You are a really generous and giving person. Please give to yourself a little bit!
Love
The support I have received here is immense. And I will be eternally grateful to everyone who has posted and given me the strength to do what I should have done ages ago.
A weight has been lifted today for me, and I'm actually feeling good for the first time in months!!!!
I now have someone calling me next week from the local Alzheimers in Blackpool for a chat.
And with regard to having some sort of life for myself, not only (as in my previous post) have I arranged to visit a friend tomorrow evening, but another friend next Monday evening, plus I've enrolled on a belly dancing class each Wednesday evening. I will not be out for long, and will have Mum settled before I leave the house. Oh!!! Last but not least, I've received a call today offering me voluntary work and I have an interview next Thursday!!!!
Thanks to everyone on here, you have made me realise that I don't have to feel guilty for having a life outside these four walls. And a little quality of life for myself is not being selfish.
Mum is still unhappy with me, and doing her very best to make me feel guilty, and in honesty, until today it would have worked. Never again though. I am entitled to a life and am too young to give up on it to keep someone else happy!!! My problem was the guilt, and feeling I was letting her down. But now I know that I should not have to deliver her 'wants' at my own expense, and from today I won't. Not that I will never help her with her wants again, of course I will, but when it fits in with my life from now on. I will always ensure her needs are met though, even if I am unable to do all of that myself. And that is something else that Mum will have to learn to live with.
All I can say tonight, from my heart, is that this site and everyone on it are amazing, people on here are actually life savers!!!!!!
I do hope that one day, I will be in a position to support new members who feel very lost and alone....... confused........ scared....... and in utter despair....
I applaud the love and care that has shone through to me from people I would be proud to call my friends.
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.........................
A weight has been lifted today for me, and I'm actually feeling good for the first time in months!!!!
I now have someone calling me next week from the local Alzheimers in Blackpool for a chat.
And with regard to having some sort of life for myself, not only (as in my previous post) have I arranged to visit a friend tomorrow evening, but another friend next Monday evening, plus I've enrolled on a belly dancing class each Wednesday evening. I will not be out for long, and will have Mum settled before I leave the house. Oh!!! Last but not least, I've received a call today offering me voluntary work and I have an interview next Thursday!!!!
Thanks to everyone on here, you have made me realise that I don't have to feel guilty for having a life outside these four walls. And a little quality of life for myself is not being selfish.
Mum is still unhappy with me, and doing her very best to make me feel guilty, and in honesty, until today it would have worked. Never again though. I am entitled to a life and am too young to give up on it to keep someone else happy!!! My problem was the guilt, and feeling I was letting her down. But now I know that I should not have to deliver her 'wants' at my own expense, and from today I won't. Not that I will never help her with her wants again, of course I will, but when it fits in with my life from now on. I will always ensure her needs are met though, even if I am unable to do all of that myself. And that is something else that Mum will have to learn to live with.
All I can say tonight, from my heart, is that this site and everyone on it are amazing, people on here are actually life savers!!!!!!
I do hope that one day, I will be in a position to support new members who feel very lost and alone....... confused........ scared....... and in utter despair....
I applaud the love and care that has shone through to me from people I would be proud to call my friends.
THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.........................
Dear Ang
I have been following your thread, and was very afraid for you last night. Tonight, you are like a different person, which is brilliant. I am so pleased for you that you have found the strength to change so much in such a short time.
If Mum wants to sulk, then that's her problem; she will tire of it when she sees it has no effect on you and it won't change your plans.
Good luck and keep going from strength to strength.
Jan x
I have been following your thread, and was very afraid for you last night. Tonight, you are like a different person, which is brilliant. I am so pleased for you that you have found the strength to change so much in such a short time.
If Mum wants to sulk, then that's her problem; she will tire of it when she sees it has no effect on you and it won't change your plans.
Good luck and keep going from strength to strength.
Jan x
Belly dancing
Wow, good for you. And that's fantastic news about the voluntary work.
Don't forget to keep in touch with us on here and feel free to let off steam whenever necessary. She'll still drive you mad, you know, unless you've suddenly discovered the secret of sainthood.
Wow, good for you. And that's fantastic news about the voluntary work.
Don't forget to keep in touch with us on here and feel free to let off steam whenever necessary. She'll still drive you mad, you know, unless you've suddenly discovered the secret of sainthood.
Recent Threads
-
-
Husband is newly diagnosed-but I told the local medical services he had it six years ago!
- Latest: Foundagoodbooktolivein
-
-
-
-
-
Staff online
-
HarrietDStaff Member