Thank you all
Hello everyone,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the kind words of support, and the PMs. As I have just said to one of you (and you know who you are!), I haven't been able to bring myself to continue this thread because I can't believe I've really written it. However, I do want to say how grateful I am for your thoughts, words and support.
I feel void of any emotion, and that's the only struggle I seem to be facing. I imagined all sorts of emotions would hit me...but they haven't. Not yet...anyway.
I think a handful of Sundays with nowhere to go will make it more real, and of course the funeral will be a very emotional day, but every day around these seems almost normal. I have no issues with crying and I have cried, but more in a chokey voice, lump in throat kind of way. Ask anyone who knows me and they would tell you I cry at the drop... I cry at the London Marathon, when people sing happy birthday, when Jim was nice to Dot on Eastenders... But I can't seem to cry right now.
This doesn't feel like grief. I knew grief when dad died, and this isn't it.
Logically, I can see why, but I'm not comfortable with it and I feel guilty.
I have been estranged from my mum, all due to a cruel disease, and she was taken from me long ago. I have grieved that loss for years, have felt the heavy weight in my heart when I've wanted to ring her, so it makes logical sense that much of the grieving has already happened. I don't actually feel that I had a mum to miss on Sunday. I was just deeply sad that my mum had died. And that kind of seems to be it. Very matter of fact.
I will wait to see what happens... This is the calm, and the storm was the 10 days leading up to her death. That was relentless. That was unbearable. So it may take a little time, but I'm sure that I will feel something. After all, I loved that woman with all my heart, she was an amazing mum, an amazing person, and I owe her everything that I am...She was simply wonderful.
I have to feel something in that kind of loss....