My mum has dementia and is hitting my dad

[jaypbee]

Hi everyone, I have just joined the forum as I don't know what to do to help my dad.
My mum got diagnosed with dementia nearly a year ago, it was a difficult process as she was adamant she was ok we were just trying to put her in a home but knew she had been showing signs for a few years. So 2 years ago I contacted social services who agreed to come to her home to assess. Told my mum it was a routine check and she reluctantly agreed. Surprisingly managed to get her to all her apps for memory test and CT scan and last year diagnosed and she is on medication.

However she now is adamant none of that happened and she hasn't got dementia, and in the last few months has been hitting my dad who is caring for her. We don't know what to do to help him, he has spoken to a doctor who just said you need more help from family, I live nearby but work and have a 3 year old, I try to visit them as much as I can. My sister lives nearly an hour away, last year she rang social services back up about the violence and they rang my dad offering home visits but he refused as he knew mum will go mental if we mentioned anyone coming round.

Last night my dad called me saying she had been really nasty and he's had enough. I went round and she was shouting at me but denying hitting my dad, he said at some point in the past she had him by the throat and threatened to kill him.

I don't know what to do, feel like I'm just leaving my dad in the situation but don't know how I can help. He refused the home visits but he is right, mum will just tell them everything is fine and want them gone. I have told dad to give Alzheimer's society a call but he won't, and I'm not sure what they can do. Am so worried she will hurt him or the stress will do something to him.

What has happened in this situation before?

Sorry it's so long, thank you

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @jaypbee.

It really does sound like your dad needs help as he is really vulnerable. I think it would be worth contacting social services again. It also might help to talk to someone at the Admiral Nurse Helpline. If your dad won’t contact the helpline then I think you should - I’m sure they would talk to you and advise.

Admiral Nurse Dementia Helpline

Dementia UK is a charity that provides Admiral Nurses for families affected by dementia. Call our Dementia Helpline to find out how we can support you.

www.dementiauk.org

I know your dad doesn’t want home visits but unless he can be persuaded to allow them then things won’t improve.

It must be so worrying for you. I’m glad you’ve found this forum. You’ll find understanding and support here.

 

[jaypbee]

Hi thank you so much for replying, I haven't heard of admiral nurse before so will definitely give them a try.
With regards to home visits I think he is worried she will tell them to go, and then blame him for getting them round and start on him. If they did come round and she told them to leave will they just go as it seems everything needs to be at her consent?

I know it needs to be tried, it's so hard to get my dad on his own to talk, and he doesn't like to be out the house long as my mum starts saying he's having an affair.

 

[lollyc]

This not intended to scare you, or your dad. A few months ago I heard of a couple where the husband had hit / pushed the wife, with the result that her arm was broken and she required a hospital stay. As the husband was not able to manage alone he was placed in a care home, where he remained until his recent death. His wife had put up with the aggression for some time, but hadn't asked for help, because she was afraid of his reaction and, no doubt, embarrassed on her husband's behalf, as he had never been a violent person.
I'm not sure there is an easy answer to this, but the reality is that eventually a crisis may lead to your parents having to accept some sort of intervention.

 

[Violet Jane]

The GP's response is terrible. Your Dad is not expected to put up with violence just because your Mum has dementia. There is medication that can address aggression. Get in contact with a different GP and ask for a referral to the community mental health team. Aggression is not uncommon with dementia.

 

[yoy]

I second Violet Jane's advice. My mum started getting aggressive last year, it can be quite common so the professionals should know. Mum's care home got her referred to the community mental health team who prescribed some meds. The ones mum is on can have some serious side effects but we all agreed that it was better for her to be calm and happy again, and for everyone around her to be safe, rather than going through whatever torment was in her head and causing the aggressiveness. Keep pushing for them to assess her.

 

[leny connery]

dad is the collateral damage in this case like so many carers are. damn if he asks for help , and damned if he does not (because he is wary of her aggressive reaction) But get help he must. I can imagine that persuading persuading him to accept help is yet another pressure on his already tired self. Please do call admiral nurse. their advice is usually sound and knowledgeable even given the uniqueness of each case and individual.

 

[jaypbee]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies and we will definitely get in touch with admiral nurse. I am hoping dad will pop over and see me while he's out shopping today as he knows I'm at home today and can tell him. I think it's best he rings as I bet I don't know everything that has gone on but id I need to I will.

Thanks again