My life- without the one I love

[Scarlett123]

I know the anniversary of Pete's passing is imminent, because John's first anniversary is 3 weeks tomorrow, and I believe Pete's is a couple of weeks before. I didn't want to PM you, as I'd noticed you hadn't been on TP for a bit, and didn't want to impose.

I'm not going to say "don't blame yourself", because I do it too, all the time. I'm running out of nails with which to fix the smile on my face, and wished we lived nearer so we could hug and cry together. But thanks to TP, we can send each other cyber hugs.

But, I am so upset that you've had the worry of Cindy being poorly too. As much as we love our pets, I've found my love for Billy has intensified since John died, so I can imagine how distressed you must be.

Let's hope she recovers soon. And may you get through the hard days ahead xxxxxx

 

[LadyA]

I know the anniversary of Pete's passing is imminent, because John's first anniversary is 3 weeks tomorrow, and I believe Pete's is a couple of weeks before. I didn't want to PM you, as I'd noticed you hadn't been on TP for a bit, and didn't want to impose.

I'm not going to say "don't blame yourself", because I do it too, all the time. I'm running out of nails with which to fix the smile on my face, and wished we lived nearer so we could hug and cry together. But thanks to TP, we can send each other cyber hugs.

But, I am so upset that you've had the worry of Cindy being poorly too. As much as we love our pets, I've found my love for Billy has intensified since John died, so I can imagine how distressed you must be.

Let's hope she recovers soon. And may you get through the hard days ahead xxxxxx

Scarlett (& Lyn, and others) - do you find that it's not just pets though that get to you? I've had to stop watching wildlife programs - even before William died. In fact, even before he went to the nursing home, I found I was getting so terribly upset by them. Nature, red in tooth and claw - it was just too much for me! I know that that's the way wild animals survive. I know that without killing, the lions, tigers, leopards etc. would themselves die. But I found myself just hating them, and sobbing uncontrollably, at the way they always targeted the weaker members of the herd - the young, the sick or injured or the older animals who couldn't keep up. Then, perversely, in bad times, when they couldn't find enough to hunt, or when something happened to their cubs or whatever, and it was the hunters' turn to die - I'd be off again, crying for the cruelty of the world! A gibbering wreck. Had to just give up watching them. And the news. And any films that had sad bits.

 

[Scarlett123]

Scarlett (& Lyn, and others) - do you find that it's not just pets though that get to you? I've had to stop watching wildlife programs - even before William died. In fact, even before he went to the nursing home, I found I was getting so terribly upset by them. Nature, red in tooth and claw - it was just too much for me! I know that that's the way wild animals survive. I know that without killing, the lions, tigers, leopards etc. would themselves die. But I found myself just hating them, and sobbing uncontrollably, at the way they always targeted the weaker members of the herd - the young, the sick or injured or the older animals who couldn't keep up. Then, perversely, in bad times, when they couldn't find enough to hunt, or when something happened to their cubs or whatever, and it was the hunters' turn to die - I'd be off again, crying for the cruelty of the world! A gibbering wreck. Had to just give up watching them. And the news. And any films that had sad bits.

I have to switch over when an advert comes on about the poor donkeys. I've lost my confidence completely when it comes to driving at night, and as for the world, and the terrible things that are happening - I don't recognise it any more.

 

[LadyA]

I have to switch over when an advert comes on about the poor donkeys. I've lost my confidence completely when it comes to driving at night, and as for the world, and the terrible things that are happening - I don't recognise it any more.

Ah - not just me then! I thought the driving at night thing was my age! I just can't seem to see very well at night anymore! I find myself getting more and more tense and nervous the longer the drive, so I won't drive far at all after dark. I've given up reading the news in any depth - I don't have tv, so don't watch it anyway. Now, I just skim the headlines. It's all just so awful. And I keep feeling guilty about having the "luxury" of the space and time to grieve for William, when all those people in warn-torn countries, and those forced to leave their homes because of war - they don't even have that luxury. Bad enough to have people you love die in the most horrible circumstances, and to be torn from everything you've ever known - but to not even have the time to grieve what you've lost. And I've even (in blacker moments) felt guilty that William was so well cared for in his old age and illness! Thankful that he was - but guilty too, because so, so many elderly in the world are suffering so horribly. The elderly and the young. Always, they seem to suffer the most. So, I just don't read it any more. I've decided that if something really major happens, I'll hear about it. Meanwhile, I do my job (part time, Home Help), take care of mum, do what I can to lighten the load of a few others, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. What else can we do?

And quite honestly - I'm sure John Lewis & Age Action meant well with their ad, and I'm thankful that I only saw it on the internet, once. But seriously - it might prompt a few people to include a lone elderly relative or neighbour in their festivities this year - but what about all those lone elderly people who remain lonely - and seeing that heart-string puller of an ad coming on over and over?!

 

[Scarlett123]

Oh I know what you mean sweetie. As I'm gonna be sitting on the moon on my own on Christmas Day, without a telescope. Just posted an ode on the main site.

 

[jan.s]

Hi Lyn

I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner. I pop into TP but am not as active as I have been in the past, but do respond where I can.

I'm sorry to hear that poor Cindy is poorly; it's such a worry when our babies aren't well. I hope the vet's treatment does the trick and she improves rapidly. Doug sends snuffles and gentle woofs for her. (Dougal/gentle woofs? )

This time of year is very difficult without the ones we love, but must be especially poignant with the anniversary of Pete's passing. I have agreed to go into a neighbour for lunch, with their family. I couldn't cope with being the social pariah and people saying "Oh, you're not spending it on your own" with pitying looks. I shall be on my own of most of the day, sharing my thoughts with Dougal and watching TV, but can honestly say that I am going out, albeit only for a couple of hours!

I think we all share our doubts about how we cared for our loved ones, Lyn. I ask myself questions like, could I have done more, should I have been more patient with him, how unhappy was he in care. I can drive myself into a very low place with these, but always try to remember that I did all I could with the knowledge I had at the time.

Yesterday chatting to a friend she was telling me about someone recently diagnosed and his wife doesn't know where to turn for information. I remember that void so well, and the frustration of being lied to about who would help me - the answer came back: Nobody! I was alone with my ignorance of the condition and the impact it had on our lives.

Anyway, enough of my rant, back to you Lyn. Hopefully when we all get through December and into January, we will see the bulbs peeping through and the days getting longer. It doesn't change anything, but it may help to lighten our mood.

I shall be thinking of you next week, Lyn. Both Pete and Roger died on 9th, Pete in December and Roger in April.

Sending love xx

 

[LYN T]

Thanks jan-and DougalXX

Cindy has managed 24hours without being sick-one little bout of doggie runs today when we had a walk. She looks brighter but hasn't eaten. I hope she is over the worse.

Yes jan, how we love to give ourselves such a hard time I'm dreading next Wednesday. I was bad enough on Pete's birthday in September. Like you I'm trying to make time go faster by trying to be busy in the hope that will make springtime come round quicker. Aren't I daft?

Love to you and Dougal XXXXXXXX

 

[jan.s]

If you're daft, we both are!!

I have been sitting writing Christmas cards this morning, to get them done, and I won't have to think about them again. They are sent with love, but no real Christmas spirit, but the recipients don't need to know that.

Someone I know seems to be under the impression that I should be over it by now ... yes, it happens, we cry and then move on! I don't think so!

I shall be thinking of you next Wednesday Lyn.

I am going to a memorial service on Saturday run by the undertakers and they light a candle for each person; I feel I must go, because I can't bear the thought of Roger's candle burning without me there! I am also going to a Carol Service at the Woodland Burial Park on the following Sunday. These things will either help me, or make me worse, but I feel they are things I have to face! I know Roger will be by my side though

Dougal says he's glad Cindy is a little better; he recommends lots of sleep, just like he does, preferably on the bed! x

 

[Scarlett123]

Thanks jan-and DougalXX

Cindy has managed 24hours without being sick-one little bout of doggie runs today when we had a walk. She looks brighter but hasn't eaten. I hope she is over the worse.

Yes jan, how we love to give ourselves such a hard time I'm dreading next Wednesday. I was bad enough on Pete's birthday in September. Like you I'm trying to make time go faster by trying to be busy in the hope that will make springtime come round quicker. Aren't I daft?

Love to you and Dougal XXXXXXXX

Good news about Cindy. Billy and I send our love to her, and also to you. xxxxxx

 

[jan.s]

Hi Scarlett, Dougal sends licks to Billy (and you) too.

We are all struggling with the time of year. Thinking of you.

xx

 

[LadyA]

I am going to a memorial service on Saturday run by the undertakers and they light a candle for each person; I feel I must go, because I can't bear the thought of Roger's candle burning without me there! I am also going to a Carol Service at the Woodland Burial Park on the following Sunday. These things will either help me, or make me worse, but I feel they are things I have to face! I know Roger will be by my side though

I think the memorial service is a wonderful idea Jan, and while it might make you cry - and why not? - I feel it would be a very healing thing.

And I know exactly what you mean about those who think we should be over it by now. I had someone ask me "how are you doing. Hope you are getting over it now." - two months to the day after William's death! My GP said it's because we live in such an "instant" society, and on TV and in films, everything moves on so fast, that people simply don't understand any more than in real life, that doesn't happen! Things don't move on that quickly, people don't get over a death or tragedy so easily. And, she said, people also don't realise these days that once someone has died, they are dead - they won't be coming back. She said she sees so many people, mostly younger, who hit a wall when faced with that reality.

 

[Scarlett123]

I think the memorial service is a wonderful idea Jan, and while it might make you cry - and why not? - I feel it would be a very healing thing.

And I know exactly what you mean about those who think we should be over it by now. I had someone ask me "how are you doing. Hope you are getting over it now." - two months to the day after William's death! My GP said it's because we live in such an "instant" society, and on TV and in films, everything moves on so fast, that people simply don't understand any more than in real life, that doesn't happen! Things don't move on that quickly, people don't get over a death or tragedy so easily. And, she said, people also don't realise these days that once someone has died, they are dead - they won't be coming back. She said she sees so many people, mostly younger, who hit a wall when faced with that reality.

Yes, your GP is so right. I had a wry smile when I read about the comment to you, as to if you were over William's death - 2 months after he died. I met a neighbour on New Years Eve who knew John had died on 23rd Dec, his birthday would have been 2 days later and she said - but did you have a nice Christmas anyway?

Lyn, next week is going to be so hard for you, but we'll all be holding your hand tightly. xxxxx

 

[jan.s]

Thanks Lady A, I am hoping it will help me, but I know I shall be crying before I get there!!

I tend to agree about everything being throw away - even relationships are like that in a lot of cases. Maybe one day, those who think it's easy to just get over such a major event will find out is is so much harder. One of my neighbours, every time he sees me, just asks how I am and have I booked a holiday yet? He seems to think that a holiday will solve everything and even told me once that I might meet a new man!!!!!

Still, at least we all know that we will gain support from TP and that is a blessing

 

[jan.s]

I've just read your post Scarlett - people are unbelievable and insensitive. Sorry there is no excuse for such a question.

 

[jan.s]

Hi Lyn, just want you to know that I'm thinking of you especially today

I do understand how you are feeling, but you know Lyn, Pete would be very proud of everything you've achieved this year, as well as how well you're coping.

Love to you, Billy and Cindy. Xx

 

[LYN T]

Thank you Jan-you are so very kind.

A year on. The year seems to have flashed by in one way and yet each day without Pete seems to have lasted a long time.

Sleep seems to have eluded me tonight.Tears haven't.

Bl---y Dementia-robs us of all we hold dear

Love

Lyn T XX

 

[LadyA]

Thinking of you Lyn. Today, maybe you could do something special for the day, even if it's just a coffee out?

 

[LYN T]

Thank yo LadyA

I'm lucky I've made friends in my new home. A friend is coming round for coffee this morning and another friend is calling for me to take the dogs for a walk (she has two westies). We will call into our favourite cafe and have tea and cake later. The cafe overlooks the sea. Beautiful.

See you can't sleep either.

Love

Lyn T XX

 

[Cat27]

Sending love & hugs Lyn xx

 

[Izzy]

Thinking of you Lyn.