My journal

[Little moth]

I had my first phone session with a lady from Cruse. It went very well, I know that I talked a lot and felt more relaxed. Something was bothering me, I couldn't remember properly so I looked through my journal. An emotional record of medication, behaviour, feelings etc.
I found what I wanted but couldn't stop reading about the nightmare that had been my recent life. I went to pieces.
So, I can't decide whether to keep my journal or destroy it, either way is difficult.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi @Little moth
Might you set that actual book aside in a safe place so it is available if ever you should wish to read parts
And buy a new note book, maybe not a large one and not a diary, so there's no specific sections to fill in ... That way you have a journal but no pressure to write in it and if you do, it won't take long until it's full, so you have a series of small books and can choose which ones to reread ... maybe even have one side of a page for positive and the other for negative so you can ignore either easily ... you might see that there are more opportunities to write positives and feel good reading those back ???

 

[Izzy]

I’m glad your session with Cruse went well. That’s really positive.

I too think it would be good to put the journal aside for a while. When my husband was first diagnosed I used a ling running thread on this forum to chart what was happening and how I was feeling. He died 6 years on Sunday and I know I couldn’t look back at that thread now. It helped me so much at the time but I know it would just upset me now.

For a while I chose to find 3 positives to write down every morning - or things to be grateful for. Some days it was hard but looking back I think it did me good to do this.

Whatever you decide to do I wish you well.

 

[Little moth]

Thank you both for your helpful comments. I will put it away and hopefully I can put it out of my mind.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I kept a journal for the 3 years mum was in a care home. I'd make an entry after every visit, detailing how she was but also any concerns I had with the home, things like that. And it was useful in that I was able to look back to find when things had happened, when I'd talked to the manager, etc.

I made the last entry on the morning she died, which will be three years in November. I've often wondered if it would help me now to read back through it but so far I can't go near it. One day maybe...

 

[Little moth]

It was a handy journal to refer to when needed but too much heartache was in it as well. Yet, the thought of destroying it is awful.
I think to keep it where it isn't so easily accessible may be the answer.

 

[Whisperer]

Dear @Little moth

Please can I make two suggestions.

1) Keep the original journal in a safe place that is private to you. Your caring role was part of your life, it will shape the person you are presently and in the future. You may never look at it but destroying it will remove that option forever. No harm in keeping it.

2) More positively start a second journal of memories. I found when my mum died six years of developing Dementia care meant all I could remember was Dementia mum. The decades of memories before her illness just seemed to have gone in my mind. Well I sat down and started a journal of pre Dementia memories. It was hard to start with so I stopped thinking about mum and more dates, locations, events. Slowly the memories came back to me eg birth of her grandchildren, our holidays together, places we visited, her old and now deceased friends. I rediscovered the mum I loved and respected. At sad moments now I can read through that journal and remember a life well lived.

Mum’s illness and my caring role peaked during the COVID lock downs. God that was such an isolating time for carers. I kept a journal over my caring years but they are now in a desk drawer. Maybe one day I will look at them again maybe not. Keeping them I have the option. The positive memory book I still add to as memories float back to me. It is read quite often.

The above are just suggestions. Grief is individual. Make of it what you will. My best wishes for the future.

 

[Little moth]

Thank you @Whisperer , some very thoughtful comments. I have been writing some comments in my gardening journal. It's a bit of a love hate relationship but I force myself to go out and do just a little and I end up doing more and feeling sort of content.
After a few traumatic days when there was a leak in the kitchen and I went into meltdown I'm sat now looking at the birds in the bird baths and hopping about the garden, it makes me smile. My husband loved the garden.
The water leak set me back emotionally, I called over to a neighbour who had just come home and he took charge of the situation. I couldn't stop crying, couldn't think straight but with his help and an emergency plumber it was fixed.
I think I would like to have a look for a pretty book to write hopefully positive thoughts, I could have got one yesterday but I forgot, list needed. I've also got to grips with the printer and printed some lovely photos of my husband before he had dementia in his favourite places.
I've found that grief is unpredictable, you are doing well then suddenly you are back to square one. But at the moment, looking out of the window , I smile and know that I am ok.

 

[Izzy]

I've found that grief is unpredictable, you are doing well then suddenly you are back to square one. But at the moment, looking out of the window , I smile and know that I am ok.

That’s so true. I’m glad you’re feeling ok - keep sharing here - I’m sure it will help.

 

[Grannie G]

I also had a long running Thread charting my husband`s illness.

I returned to it once, read the first post and ran. I haven`t looked at it since.

I also had a long running Thread in the dealing with loss section.

If it`s any comfort to anyone, there came a time, I don`t know when, when I realised I didn`t need this thread any longer either.

It doesn`t mean I`ve dealt with loss. It means, eight years on, I`ve learnt to live with it.

Scarcely a day passes when my husband doesn`t come into my thoughts in one way or another.
I don`t want to forget him. He was part of my life for 54 years. He was too important to forget.

It`s earlydays for you @Little moth. Give yourself time and your grief will balance itself out eventually.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

I've found that grief is unpredictable, you are doing well then suddenly you are back to square one. But at the moment, looking out of the window , I smile and know that I am ok.

Yes, I agree. You had two bereavements very close together, I can't imagine how traumatic that must have been for you. I'm glad you're getting some counselling @Little moth ?

@Whisperer That's such a good idea, journalling happy memories. I keep getting a flashback to one particularly upsetting incident with mum. It just comes randomly into my mind. I'll try replacing it with a happy memory each time.

 

[Little moth]

Thank you all. I was sitting on a seat in town this morning chatting to my sister on my mobile. I could see some market stalls so I went to have a look and there was the perfect journal with a humorous front and back. It immediately appealed to me, the lady showed me a matching mug. They made me smile and I thought, a journal that I wanted to open and a cuppa in the mug. Perfect.
I have already written in it, pleasant things that have happened today, like my sister coming round. And a lovely cuppa in my new mug. At this moment, I am ok.

 

[Grannie G]

At this moment, I am ok.

Good to hear. A matching journal and mug! It's a new one for me.

 

[update2020]

Thank you all. I was sitting on a seat in town this morning chatting to my sister on my mobile. I could see some market stalls so I went to have a look and there was the perfect journal with a humorous front and back. It immediately appealed to me, the lady showed me a matching mug. They made me smile and I thought, a journal that I wanted to open and a cuppa in the mug. Perfect.
I have already written in it, pleasant things that have happened today, like my sister coming round. And a lovely cuppa in my new mug. At this moment, I am ok.

what a brlliant idea! I've often wondered if I should have kept a diary of our experiences with alzheimers.

I used to use this site (as plenty of others do) but when it all got too awful a few years ago I had all my posts deleted.* I looked after both my MIL and my husband back then. Both have now died.

I've been back here now for a while. I thought that posting here and passing on 'tips' from our experience was cathartic - that it was helping me purge the awfulness from my system. But I'm beginning to think that it's also trapping me in that experience and that I should let it all go, and not post on here any more.

I think your experience and the suggestions here are confirming my thoughts. I should move on and write about something else, something happier. xxx

*By the way I think it is a big shame that we cannot delete our own posts. I do think that should be possible.

 

[Izzy]

Wow @Little moth - you were meant to sit there! Sounds perfect for you.

 

[canary]

what a brlliant idea! I've often wondered if I should have kept a diary of our experiences with alzheimers.

I used to use this site (as plenty of others do) but when it all got too awful a few years ago I had all my posts deleted.* I looked after both my MIL and my husband back then. Both have now died.

I've been back here now for a while. I thought that posting here and passing on 'tips' from our experience was cathartic - that it was helping me purge the awfulness from my system. But I'm beginning to think that it's also trapping me in that experience and that I should let it all go, and not post on here any more.

I think your experience and the suggestions here are confirming my thoughts. I should move on and write about something else, something happier. xxx

*By the way I think it is a big shame that we cannot delete our own posts. I do think that should be possible.

I understand.
You have to do what is best for you.
Some people do indeed find it helpful to post on here after their person with dementia has passed away, but not everyone does. If you feel that you are getting trapped and need to let it all go, then do. We will, of course, still be here if ever you change your mind
xxx

 

[Little moth]

Today has been a down day, a crying day, a chocolate day........Nothing nice to write in my journal. Then I looked on TP at my posts of the stress, sadness, fear, going to bed with my handbag, my phone, money, phone numbers, keys.....I can't block all this out. I have a new entry in my journal, my life today so far but now the journal is not just about nice things but how I am feeling.
Now I am not trying to suppress things, I am ok.

 

[Palerider]

Hmm chocolate sounds good and it comes in many different forms. Some times on a bad day I will buy belgian chocs and on other days eat ice cream magnums -it has an amazing ability to give us that little push that we need sometimes.

Self expression is a form of release and keeping a journal is useful so we can look back, reflect on where we are going to and decide when we stop writing in it or to continue until we finally can make sense of our world -there is no answer other than to do.

 

[Little moth]

I agree @Palerider that self expression is a form of release. Things that I thought would help didn't, such as printing off nice photos of my husband before dementia. That wasn't the person that I had been living with these last few years.

 

[Palerider]

I agree @Palerider that self expression is a form of release. Things that I thought would help didn't, such as printing off nice photos of my husband before dementia. That wasn't the person that I had been living with these last few years.

Absolutely sometimes we need space to fully make sense of what has happened to us and its important to do that no matter how long it takes