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Mum passed two weeks ago

little shettie

Registered User
Nov 10, 2009
221
0
I lost my mum two weeks ago and she was buried two days ago. She was 101 years old. She was in a care home for six years and knew me up until covid and lockdown. For best part of 18 months I didn’t see her, then only through a window. She suffered greatly after that as she no longer knew me whereas she did before. I was with her at the end and she didn’t suffer it was peaceful. I looked after my mum for ten years, first as a long distance carer in her own home, then she lived with myself and hubby for 3 before I could no longer cope. I feel like I’ve been under a cloud and my mental health suffered terribly through looking after her and not looking after me. I loved my mum dearly, we were very close and did much together but now I feel a relief and I don’t understand it. I have cried for my mum over the years many times and of course when she passed, but now I’m sleeping well, and I feel bad for not feeling bad if you see what I mean. Maybe it’s because I’d lost her long ago but I do know she’s at peace and with my dad which is all she would’ve wanted. Does this make sense? Xx
 

millalm

Registered User
Oct 9, 2019
246
0
All of us who have been on the same journey as you and your Mum can understand your feelings of being under a cloud, which for you, has now finally lifted. It seems like one of the unrecognized dangers of this disease is the damaging effects it has on the caregivers. There is nothing shameful about feeling a sense of relief that not only is her suffering over, but yours too. The grief we live with while watching our loved ones disappear and the helplessness we feel in not being able to make things right for them robs us of any sense of happiness, joy, or just the 'lightness of being' . The shadow constantly overhead takes its toll on our mental health, our relationships and our well being.

Sleeping well is an experience most people take for granted, but for carers, waiting for a phone to ring in the night and the worries of what the next visit or call will bring means many of us haven't had a decent nights sleep in years.

I'm very sure I will feel the same way when the end comes for my Mum who has been in the 'last stage' of mixed dementia for the last 4 years in a care home, after I too, spent 3 years supporting her from a distance, then a retirement home, then in my home until I could no longer cope. It has been 25 years I have been supporting my Mum and Dad (now passed) and I am hoping that I will be able to begin a new chapter in my life knowing that I always did my best for them.

I think we have earned the right to not feel badly knowing that we did our best.

It sounds like you know you did your absolute best for you Mum and hopefully it means you are also at peace with it.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
66,647
0
71
Dundee
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss.

It makes perfect sense. You’ve done your very best for your mum over the years. As you say, she is at peace now and I hope you now find time to look after yourself as well as you looked after your parents.
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
677
0
So sorry for your loss of your Mum. It makes perfect sense and I think it will to you in time. Take care and remember the happier times with your Mum, don't let this awful illness take that away from you
x
 

SamOakes14

Registered User
Mar 17, 2022
13
0
I lost my mum two weeks ago and she was buried two days ago. She was 101 years old. She was in a care home for six years and knew me up until covid and lockdown. For best part of 18 months I didn’t see her, then only through a window. She suffered greatly after that as she no longer knew me whereas she did before. I was with her at the end and she didn’t suffer it was peaceful. I looked after my mum for ten years, first as a long distance carer in her own home, then she lived with myself and hubby for 3 before I could no longer cope. I feel like I’ve been under a cloud and my mental health suffered terribly through looking after her and not looking after me. I loved my mum dearly, we were very close and did much together but now I feel a relief and I don’t understand it. I have cried for my mum over the years many times and of course when she passed, but now I’m sleeping well, and I feel bad for not feeling bad if you see what I mean. Maybe it’s because I’d lost her long ago but I do know she’s at peace and with my dad which is all she would’ve wanted. Does this make sense? Xx
This makes sense, it is fine to be sleeping well and to be starting to improve your own wellbeing and mental health.

If you are feeling any guilt about it all, you shouldn't. You clearly love your mum, but you probably know in your heart that she is in a better place and no longer suffering. You miss her but she's at peace. I felt somewhat similar to this at times and felt guilty for it, but I knew the reason I felt like this was because the person I love so dearly was no longer in pain, anxious, crying or scared. She was in a sense, set free. Despsite wanting to spend more time with her, I wanted for her to be in a better place.

It's time to live your life as well @little shettie and I'm sure your mum wouldn't want for you to be sad or upset or hurting all the time with her passing, I'm sure she would want for you to be happy. xx
 

LynneMcV

Volunteer Moderator
May 9, 2012
4,234
0
south-east London
I am sorry for your loss @little shettie , I am sure that any of us who have faced similar situations will identify with your pangs of guilt at being able to sleep peacefully once more after what is often years of full-on care and the stress it brings. Don't berate yourself for it - your love and devotion cannot be denied and it is only right that you take this time now to rest and heal - we all deserve that.
 

little shettie

Registered User
Nov 10, 2009
221
0
Thank you so much for all your lovely replies. I do need to focus on how my mum was in the past when she well and all the happy times we shared ❤️