Mum now in a care home; dealing with confusion and visiting?

[HerrGrey]

My 90yo Mum is now in a care home. We were very excited to get her a place there, because it's lovely, the staff are great and we feel so much better knowing she's in a safe environment with professional carers (and not home alone).

Although she seems to like some aspects of being there, she frequently says she wants to go home and even asks me to take her home sometimes. In time, I'm hoping that might stop. How should do I deal with that?, I find it very awkward to know what to do or say.

Although I'd love to see her often, I have to accept that 'Mum' is gradually fading away. Sometimes she doesn't recognise me and she's confused about so many things, a visit is not always a good experience. I feel bad about it, but I'm beginning to think about how often I should visit. I'd be interested to know how often other people visit their loves ones?

 

[Suzysheep01]

My mum always asks to go home. I just make an excuse up, say she can tomorrow, I’ve just got an appointment when I’ve finished visiting… etc.
I visit most days… but I’ve always seen mum nearly every day as we lived 2 minutes away from each other, so I don’t want to suddenly stop.
my sibling on the other hand only visits once every couple of months, but that’s their choice.

 

[My Mum's Daughter]

The world's most wonderful reply to wanting to go home is "soon". Soon is always coming but never quite gets there so fits your reply perfectly.

 

[Kristo]

I visited my dad daily when he first moved into the care home, then dropped to twice a week, now go about once a week - he left the room on my last visit because he saw a friend walk past in the corridor, then when a carer brought him back in 2 minutes later he greeted me like he hadn’t seen me in years.

He has no concept of time/days and always seems happy to see me but I keep visits short, to coincide with an activity or to end when lunch is served. I tried visiting late afternoon and it was awful because all the residents were sundowning, so now I just go mid-morning for about and hour.

Everyone is different, so just do what suits you. Dad hasn’t yet asked about going home - if he does then I will tell him a “love lie” that the doctor needs to get his medications sorted.

Hope that helps, this forum is a mine of information, every situation is different but it is so handy to hear others’ experiences. Good luck x

 

[JHA]

My mom has been in her care home for just over 2.5 years and still asks if I know when we are going home - I think she thinks I live there too! Sadly she has no idea where home is. I just reply with I don't know so I'm then told to try and find out.

I'm only ten minutes from the care home and I visit once or twice a week. I time my visits so that I can leave when a meal is about to be served - at most I stay an hour. I cannot say I enjoy going and earlier this week felt very emotional after visiting - no idea why as nothing was really different. I visited today but left earlier than planned as she was laying down and despite me attempting to chat I just got a couple of nods of agreement then she went to sleep.

 

[sdmhred]

I used to go every day but visits were generally positive. I always found interacting with other residents helped me on the tough visits. But there is no right or wrong. Your welfare and mental health is just as important as your mum’s. Try a few different things and work out what is best for you.

A friend of mine was advised to stop visiting his elderly mum as the visits were just causing them both distress. He found the manager giving him permission helped him to stay away.

You do what’s right for your situation. Take care

 

[McSuffolk]

I started with every day, then every other day, then twice a week and have now returned to full time work so go once at the weekend. My sister makes a visit each week too. As others do, I always go mid morning and take mum out for an around an hour and a half, returning just in time for lunch.
My mum turns into a different person in the afternoon, angry and argumentative and wanting to leave and I find this really difficult to cope with tbh. As she is safe, warm, well fed and well looked after I have come to accept that I’m no longer responsible for her happiness and can just do my best.
sSettling has taken at least 5 or 6 months, I would say.

 

[JoannePat]

As so many people have commented, we also found it better to visit just before lunch. My dads "sun downing" was always in the mornings, post shower etc. So by the time we got there he had picked up a bit. He asked to go home too, it is the saddest sentence you will hear from your PWD. We said that his new tablets hadn't kicked in yet, the dr had to see him first or just good old "soon".

You are doing your best - look after yourself,

Jxx

 

[Sarasa]

Wanting to go home is very typical of someone with dementia. It's probably best to say when the doctor says you can and in the meantime distract with a cup of tea or joining in an activity. My mum never really stopped wanting to be elsewhere, even when she could no longer walk or make much sense I'd occasionally hear her muttering about looking after herself.
As for how many times you visit, when mum was first in care I went two or three times a week to join in whatever was going on and then head home when the residents went in for lunch. After not being able to visit for months due to covid I dropped my visits to once every couple of weeks. Mum didn't really know who I was, though she was pleased to see me. MY main reason for going was to check she was OK and to talk to the staff about how things were.

 

[Angel55]

Hello 💗

I see the going home bit as trying to escape the mind, the confusion and anxiety, emotions all muddled together I think it must feel like cotton wool or at least that is how I imagine it must feel like and I think I would be wanting to go home too where it felt safer.

I go once a week maybe a little more if able. Always the same day if possible as well . My PWD has been there for over 1 year so if we do drift down the route of home it has become things like just check if those shoes of mine are at the house and I just look bemused and reply with a mmm I will have to have look for you. It passes as most things do eventually. I find if they are unsettled or upset then it is worse and we go to buying flats and apartments. Again distraction, popping out to make a cuppa or pretending you have left something in the car things like that but we have had times when nothing works and we just ride the storm. You have to do what you feel able to do visit wise. Everyone is different ♥️

 

[Calon Lan]

Hi @HerrGrey,

I agree with others, I don’t think there is a right or wrong decision regarding how often to visit. Every situation is different. I suspect a lot of carers think they are not visiting often enough, and feel guilty. It’s very hard to push that guilt away and try to make a more rational decision. Your situation is unique to you and your mum. Try and find what works best for both of you. That may well change as time passes. Whatever you decide is ok, don’t listen to the guilt monster who may tell you it isn’t.

I visit my mum every day at present, but that’s mainly because she is always happy to see me when I arrive and my visits are clearly very beneficial for her. We have some good times together. Even so, I always find visits stressful and mentally exhausting. There are also some extremely difficult days, mainly due to my mum’s drive to “go home” and see her mother.

My mum talks about going home every day, but it’s her childhood home not the house she lived in for 60 years. She also worries incessantly about her mother who died in 1957 and wants to go and see her. I use distraction, diversion and delay. So I keep her distracted doing something when possible. I try to divert her thoughts when she starts talking about going home, for example “oh, it’s time for a cup of tea and some biscuits”. If my mum is very persistent I then move to delay and say something like “let’s get some rest now and see what we can do tomorrow”. My mum’s memory is now so bad that within a short time she cannot remember what I have said. I’ve also tried saying “when the doctor says you are well enough”. That doesn’t work very well though as my mum thinks she is fine. Sometimes none of this works!

Sending you thoughts and best wishes.

 

[Carrick]

Hi
My mum has been in a home since September of last year. I used to visit twice a week, but now it’s once. It’s a lovely home and mum is settled, but I find visiting difficult at times, as the conversation is totally one sided! Mum knows who I am, but hardly speaks and has no concept of time and when I was last there. Mum and I were very close before all this and would see each other frequently, but sadly things change. In the end, you have to decide what is right for you and you definitely must not feel guilty. ❤️

 

[NickP]

My dad has been in a lovely care home for around 4 months - he also had two periods of respite there last year. I live an hour away and work, so tend to go to see him when visiting my mum - every couple of weeks. My mum initially found it extremely difficult to visit alone - dad no longer knows who any of us are, and spends most of his time asleep. She is now going weekly.
Visits are so difficult - he often doesn't respond at all.
I had thought before he went in that visits would be lovely, we could take him out, he'd be pleased to see us etc. but as he deteriorates that's simply not the case.
We have had to come to terms with the very different reality of visits and how there really is no 'right' or 'wrong.'
Don't give yourself a hard time if you don't visit as often as you thought you would. Look after yourself.

 

[HerrGrey]

Wow, thank you so much for your comments. I see so many similarities with my own situation.

I love Mum dearly, but my visits are not always a good experience and she has at times been aggressive and hurtful. When that happens, it makes me less enthusiastic and pensive for subsequent visits, that makes me feel guilty, which gives me anguish and so on. But as many have said, we should not feel guilty about looking after ourselves.

Mum has lost all track of time, she doesn't actually know whether I last visited a day, a week ago or longer. If I don't visit on a regular schedule, she won't notice. So I should visit when I'm in the right mood and not be a slave to some self imposed schedule. Sometimes I just have too much to do and a visit becomes more like a chore; I'm not visiting in a good frame of mind.

It also looks like I'm picking the wrong times of day to visit, I will experiment with visiting in the morning and see how that goes. If that works out well, I think I'll keep visiting weekly. I do enjoy seeing the staff at the home too, not just to see how Mum is doing.

 

[Sarasa]

Morning visits are usually best @HerrGrey. The residents are often at their best, and most Care Homes will have some sort of activities going on.

 

[JHA]

Wow, thank you so much for your comments. I see so many similarities with my own situation.

I love Mum dearly, but my visits are not always a good experience and she has at times been aggressive and hurtful. When that happens, it makes me less enthusiastic and pensive for subsequent visits, that makes me feel guilty, which gives me anguish and so on. But as many have said, we should not feel guilty about looking after ourselves.

Mum has lost all track of time, she doesn't actually know whether I last visited a day, a week ago or longer. If I don't visit on a regular schedule, she won't notice. So I should visit when I'm in the right mood and not be a slave to some self imposed schedule. Sometimes I just have too much to do and a visit becomes more like a chore; I'm not visiting in a good frame of mind.

It also looks like I'm picking the wrong times of day to visit, I will experiment with visiting in the morning and see how that goes. If that works out well, I think I'll keep visiting weekly. I do enjoy seeing the staff at the home too, not just to see how Mum is doing.

Definately visit when you feel you are able and try not to worry if you do not get there. Last week I told my mom I would visit on Wednesday but I got delayed and for a second did consider going after lunch but chose to go Thursday morning instead - my mom had not remembered when I was going.

Be kind to yourself otherwise visiting will seem like a chore. I admit I do not enjoy visiting I want to see my mom but the mom that I want to see is no longer there - occasionally she is back but those moments are few and far between.

 

[Andrea_22]

Hi. My mum has been in her care home since January 2023. I started off visiting her every week but as she's disappeared more and more into her illness I'm now only visiting every 3-4 weeks. I do feel guilty about this but she's so advanced now and I find it all very distressing. She's never asked to go home. I think she thinks she's already at home and often asks why all " those other people" are in her house! 🤷‍♀️