Mum fake memories and paranoia?

[Knitter0987]

Hello everyone! So glad I found this forum. I care for my mum who is a diagnosed dementia sufferer and seems to have all the symptoms of a Alzheimer’s. Apart from the obvious memory issues, she is becoming paranoid. She looses money “it’s been stolen”, she cannot find her bra “your dad must be wearing it”, she cannot find the remote “they took it, they take everything”… they who?! Apart from the unintentional comedy, she is now telling me that my dad hit her. I find very unlikely, I was never once hit as a child, nor ever. He also is not the type, I find it very hard to believe. The stories also do not match up: she told she was hit in the face twice, but the second time she said she was hit on the arm. Also she told me I hit her on the face when I was young (never, ever happened!). She has had allucinations such as seeing writings on the wall, things crawling, dolls moving. My dad also has severe vascular issues and is nearly deaf, and takes care of her every day, making meals, giving her her medication, driving her to the doctor etc. I am worried though.. could this be true? We suspect he’s in the early stages of vascular dementia so I wonder. I am there for 2 months and a half in a year, for weeks in the summer and the rest of the time whenever I can. My dad is collaborative and we chat and joke every day on WhatsApp. I think she is paranoid and imagining things…, she seems to have in a nutshell several fake memories and generalised paranoia. She also treats him quite poorly despite his many daily tasks and the care received.
Have you been through this? What can I do? Any thoughts? Any tips?
I’m trying to find a way to move back where they live but have serious work constraints.

Thank you kindly, hope you and your families are well
Best

 

[maggie6445]

Hello everyone! So glad I found this forum. I care for my mum who is a diagnosed dementia sufferer and seems to have all the symptoms of a Alzheimer’s. Apart from the obvious memory issues, she is becoming paranoid. She looses money “it’s been stolen”, she cannot find her bra “your dad must be wearing it”, she cannot find the remote “they took it, they take everything”… they who?! Apart from the unintentional comedy, she is now telling me that my dad hit her. I @Knitter0987 find very unlikely, I was never once hit as a child, nor ever. He also is not the type, I find it very hard to believe. The stories also do not match up: she told she was hit in the face twice, but the second time she said she was hit on the arm. Also she told me I hit her on the face when I was young (never, ever happened!). She has had allucinations such as seeing writings on the wall, things crawling, dolls moving. My dad also has severe vascular issues and is nearly deaf, and takes care of her every day, making meals, giving her her medication, driving her to the doctor etc. I am worried though.. could this be true? We suspect he’s in the early stages of vascular dementia so I wonder. I am there for 2 months and a half in a year, for weeks in the summer and the rest of the time whenever I can. My dad is collaborative and we chat and joke every day on WhatsApp. I think she is paranoid and imagining things…, she seems to have in a nutshell several fake memories and generalised paranoia. She also treats him quite poorly despite his many daily tasks and the care received.
Have you been through this? What can I do? Any thoughts? Any tips?
I’m trying to find a way to move back where they live but have serious work constraints.

Thank you kindly, hope you and your families are well
Best

Hi @Knitter0987 . Welcome to the forum.
I understand your concerns. How you describe your mum's behaviour is typical of dementia and accusations are unpleasant for families.
Do your parents attend a church or dementia groups where they are known quite well? I so you might consider contacting the group or church leaders and just mention your mum's behaviour and your concern about dad. If you don't really think dad's abusing mum I'd make light of that in the conversation but just ask if they notice anything concerning about them to give you a ring. Group leaders and church group leaders are all trained in safeguarding these days and will probably be happy to keep a gentle watch for you.

 

[Knitter0987]

Hi thanks for your suggestion. Luckily we have family who come over every week. And they have friends. They are keeping watch. I think it’s very unlikely as she “remembers” I have hit her too!!! Not only my dad would not do it, but the same accusation was directed at me and I am utterly sure it never happened as I would never do that and know I never have. But in the other hand my dad might have vascular dementia and that is known to cause personality changes. So I wonder… what I have observed also is that she is really not nice with him, shouts, never thanks and is generally unpleasant. She used to be a very nice lady. It’s very difficult

 

[maggie6445]

Hi thanks for your suggestion. Luckily we have family who come over every week. And they have friends. They are keeping watch. I think it’s very unlikely as she “remembers” I have hit her too!!! Not only my dad would not do it, but the same accusation was directed at me and I am utterly sure it never happened as I would never do that and know I never have. But in the other hand my dad might have vascular dementia and that is known to cause personality changes. So I wonder… what I have observed also is that she is really not nice with him, shouts, never thanks and is generally unpleasant. She used to be a very nice lady. It’s very difficult

Sadly dementia can change the nicest of personalities. Of ,course it could change your dad in time too but from what you say ,that you are also accused and you know you're innocent then it's probably just mum at the moment.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

It's really hard when the delusions start and they accuse people of all sorts of terrible things - beating, stealing, you name it.

I think the worst aspects are that it makes you question yourself (and your own sanity!) - did this really happen? Did it happen and I've forgotten? What if dad really is hitting her?

The obvious things are easy to dismiss - when mum told me about a giraffe in her bathroom it actually brightened my day! But when she said she'd had nothing to eat all day, not even a cup of tea because she was being punished or that 'the girls' (carers in the care home!) slapped and pinched her, it would make me very anxious because in my mind, if these things were even slightly true, then I needed to know and deal with it.

It's very hard to sort out the obviously untrue from the could-it-be-happening? things.

Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate so I will wish you good luck...

 

[Knitter0987]

Sadly dementia can change the nicest of personalities. Of ,course it could change your dad in time too but from what you say ,that you are also accused and you know you're innocent then it's probably just mum at the moment.

Yes it's probably just her, but will keep an eye as I worry dad's vascular issues might actually change his personality, too. Boy, dementia is a strange beast

 

[Knitter0987]

It's really hard when the delusions start and they accuse people of all sorts of terrible things - beating, stealing, you name it.

I think the worst aspects are that it makes you question yourself (and your own sanity!) - did this really happen? Did it happen and I've forgotten? What if dad really is hitting her?

The obvious things are easy to dismiss - when mum told me about a giraffe in her bathroom it actually brightened my day! But when she said she'd had nothing to eat all day, not even a cup of tea because she was being punished or that 'the girls' (carers in the care home!) slapped and pinched her, it would make me very anxious because in my mind, if these things were even slightly true, then I needed to know and deal with it.

It's very hard to sort out the obviously untrue from the could-it-be-happening? things.

Sounds like you've got a lot on your plate so I will wish you good luck...

oh goodness the giraffe in the bathroom! At least there can be moments of levity and humor! So sorry to hear, I can understand how worried you must have felt regarding the care home!
I do feel like I am going nuts. I had to start anxiety and depression medication as I could not cope. The sheer exhaustion when I am there, the constant worry when I am not there. And now the hallucinations and accusations.
I think having a bit of dark humor helps a lot. She wanted to nail her slippers to the floor as they apparently have a tendency to "run away". Not sure whether to cry or laugh sometimes!

But one major point is... at the end of the day, she is scared and confused and sad because for her the fantasies are real!
How do I make her feel better?

 

[JoannePat]

Such a sad and frustrating time for the PWD and you. I am sure your father isn't hitting your mum and that she is very safe and cared for.

The paranoia is just another nasty side of dementia. We have been accused of all sorts!

The thing I have found is to either deflect completely or say "no! really, oh blimey. Did you see ......" and deflect, it also gives you a chance to come down because I know how upsetting it can be to hear it.

Thinking of you

Jxx

 

[Knitter0987]

Thanks Joanne!
Yes it's very frustrating and it's painful to think for my mum this is real. There is no way to reason and convince her it is not. Same with hallucinations such as insects and things moving by themselves.
She is also very annoyed at some "they" she keeps accusing of hiding her stuff, such as the remote, clothes...I wonder if she actually sees people?! must be a nightmare for her. like you I listen then gently try to change the subject or deflect. I have no idea what else to do.

 

[maggie6445]

Yes it's probably just her, but will keep an eye as I worry dad's vascular issues might actually change his personality, too. Boy, dementia is a strange beast

They are both lucky to have you keeping an eye out for them. Safeguarding is such a big issue with this disease.
My OH has hallucination and has just started accusing me and " them", the others he thinks are here, of stealing. So sad, I regularly have to show him his on line account and he really doesn't understand it but it seems to settle him!
Wishing you the best in dealing with it.

 

[maggie6445]

[QUOTE="Knitter0987, post: 2042192, member: 11291
...I wonder if she actually sees people?! must be a nightmare for her. like you I listen then gently try to change the subject or deflect. I have no idea what else to do.
[/QUOTE]
I do think my OH thinks some of the others he sees are actually our reflections in the bathroom and hall mirrors. I've seen him talking to his reflection and being very sociable! In fact I've posted two or three funny incidents in the 'another funny !dementia thread'

 

[Knitter0987]

ah! that's a good point, the mirror...

They are both lucky to have you keeping an eye out for them. Safeguarding is such a big issue with this disease.
My OH has hallucination and has just started accusing me and " them", the others he thinks are here, of stealing. So sad, I regularly have to show him his on line account and he really doesn't understand it but it seems to settle him!
Wishing you the best in dealing with it.

oh dear, looks like the "them thing" is common. Yes in fact when I explain everything is ok she does not understand but settles down.

 

[canary]

Hi @Knitter0987

As everyone has said, the false memories (confabulations) and delusions are part and parcel of dementia - accusations of stealing are so common in mid-stage dementia that they are almost diagnostic.

What is happening is that the subconscious brain is filling in the gaps where memory has been lost with false memories so that they can make some sense out of the fragments that are left. They are absolutely convinced that what they say is true - you cannot convince them that they may be wrong. If you try it will probably make them angry because you see they know that it is true because they remember it.....

 

[maggie6445]

If I hadn't learnt from this site how common accusations of stealing were I would have been really upset. After OH and I got together just over 22 years ago he said what he loved about me was my honesty. It's why he chose me to have .POA. And now this. So very sad

 

[Kristo]

Have you considered contacting your mum’s GP for a medication review? She may need some anti-anxiety medication, or something to help with the hallucinations? My dad went through an awful stage of money worry, accusing us all of trying to steal his money - now when he go out anywhere, he always offers to pay with the handful of coins that he keeps in his pocket (although he has no idea of the value of the coins). He is also convinced that he knew the queen and princess Anne, and spoke to them all the time when he worked at the palace (also never happened). We tend to sympathise and distract from the upsetting things that Dad insists has happened, and encourage him to tell us the happy “memories” as then he FEELS happy, even though we know it’s all confabulation. I would rather have a happy story about the queen than a paranoid and grumpy story about people stealing his things. Having said that, I’m still not brave enough to do anything about disposing of his old company car that is rotting on the driveway, as I know it would really upset him!!

 

[Shem56]

Hi @Knitter0987

As everyone has said, the false memories (confabulations) and delusions are part and parcel of dementia - accusations of stealing are so common in mid-stage dementia that they are almost diagnostic.

What is happening is that the subconscious brain is filling in the gaps where memory has been lost with false memories so that they can make some sense out of the fragments that are left. They are absolutely convinced that what they say is true - you cannot convince them that they may be wrong. If you try it will probably make them angry because you see they know that it is true because they remember it.....

My husband has just started accusing me of stealing his money and his keys. He wont let his wallet out of his sight and keeps his keys with him all of the time. He also thinks that someone is coming into our house and stealing.
He thinks our joint bank account is his own account and accuses me of spending thousands of pounds (not true).If he goes to the shop for milk he demands I give him half the money he has spent.
How on earth do we deal with this its all unknown territory to me.