My mum, who is 86 & has Alzheimer's, is constantly in distress. She lives alone, close to me, and has carer visits three times a day. I visit for two or three hours every afternoon. There's no one else to visit - family pretty much all gone. She asks, continually, where her ''So called husband'' is - my dad died eleven years ago. She suspects he has another woman. Another main worry is about where her child (that's me - I'm an only child) is, because he's either not come home (he's only 16) or is asleep upstairs, unwell (mum lives in a ground floor flat). Often I cannot find answers to the questions & mum does not believe me when I try to reassure her that her son is quite safe. She was going to call the police yesterday. Changing the subject doesn't always work. Whatever's on her mind it's always negative - she's been dumped, 'they' will take the flat away from her. This is not her house, she only visits during the day & has to carry the cat home every night, on the bus. And then other times I'm her husband and am bombarded with questions about why I keep pretending I don't live there, when she makes all my meals & I sleep with her & now I'm saying I have another house - that's obviously where I keep my other women. I'm actually single & I'm certain my father never had any 'other women'. She hands me back her wedding ring & says we ought to split up officially. I should see a doctor, apparently! It all gets quite nasty & vehement. Interestingly once she's had her bed time medication - a very small dose of Lorazepam - this often resolves itself & she's quite pleasant again. But I'm not sure how much more of this I can listen to day in, day out. Mum has been approved for respite care, but says she'll refuse to go if I arrange it - which I'd like to do in a couple of weeks time.
Mum always in distress.
- Thread starter alang
- Start date
I would ask her GP if it is possible to give her Lorazepam or another med also by day to avoid her being so distressed.
Perhaps she needs more care coming in? What do the carers say? Mum started with 3x per day but often the carers began to find her v distressed and v relieved when they came in, so then they didn’t like to leave her. At that point the package was reassessed and I also changed my life to do more hrs and then she was fine for another while.
I'm sorry to hear this.
A medication review is a good idea, as there may be something to help with her anxiety and even the delusions/obsessions. This needs someone with dementia experience and time to trial medications.
I would also say your mum is now at a stage where she needs 24/7 company. This isn't a personal failing on your part, it's the dementia, and it's not uncommon.
I hope you will please consider getting additional help and support in place, for your mother and for you.
A medication review is a good idea, as there may be something to help with her anxiety and even the delusions/obsessions. This needs someone with dementia experience and time to trial medications.
I would also say your mum is now at a stage where she needs 24/7 company. This isn't a personal failing on your part, it's the dementia, and it's not uncommon.
I hope you will please consider getting additional help and support in place, for your mother and for you.
Oh, and do arrange the respite, and just don't tell her about it. If you ask dementia for permission for something, you'll be left waiting forever.
Amy, that is a very good point! Thank you & everyone for replying to my post. We have a visit coming up from the community psychiatric nurse, who is able to review mum's medication & prescribe if necessary when she has made an assessment. She does already take Sertraline, which made things slightly better, but perhaps the dosage could be increased. I personally think that more company/residential care would probably be the best thing- for both of us, I'm quite miserable at the moment because of the way this has taken over my life, I've lost the very peaceful existence I was accustomed to. Mum, too is rarely happy & just wants me to be there all the time. She does fear 'being put in a home' but the social worker suggested the respite care as a possible way into this, in a manner that won't feel like she's being got rid of. And of course, she might just find she likes it.
Yes Amy makes a very good point indeed.
My parents lived next door to me but I was Mums main carer.
If I had waited for Mums permission or her opinion on anything I would have had carers breakdown.
From carers, to home support, to Alzheimers Society visits, to a care assesment, incontience nurse, to Respite when my husband had a cancer scare & needed surgery.... it would never have happened.
My Mum has been in care now 18 mnths.... Mums Respite ended up being permanent.
It took me my husbands cancer scare for me to decide I couldnt care for Mum any longer. No point in me being ill at the expense of caring for Mum.
In the past 9 mnths Mums anxiety, delusion, paranoia and agitation kicked off big time after UTI’s. She was permanently agitated, angry and exhausted.
Lorazepam made Mum too sedated. Anti Depressant dose increase did nothing either.
Mum has been on Quetiapine ( anti pshychotic) with a couple of increase in dose, and for Mum it has worked.
I see it as a quality of life over quantity these days.
To see Mum smiling these days is a good sign.
My parents lived next door to me but I was Mums main carer.
If I had waited for Mums permission or her opinion on anything I would have had carers breakdown.
From carers, to home support, to Alzheimers Society visits, to a care assesment, incontience nurse, to Respite when my husband had a cancer scare & needed surgery.... it would never have happened.
My Mum has been in care now 18 mnths.... Mums Respite ended up being permanent.
It took me my husbands cancer scare for me to decide I couldnt care for Mum any longer. No point in me being ill at the expense of caring for Mum.
In the past 9 mnths Mums anxiety, delusion, paranoia and agitation kicked off big time after UTI’s. She was permanently agitated, angry and exhausted.
Lorazepam made Mum too sedated. Anti Depressant dose increase did nothing either.
Mum has been on Quetiapine ( anti pshychotic) with a couple of increase in dose, and for Mum it has worked.
I see it as a quality of life over quantity these days.
To see Mum smiling these days is a good sign.
Oh wow Alang, what a lot to deal with. My mother is in a care home and she also seems very distressed. I work with the care home to try and improve things for her but I don't seem to be getting anywhere. At least I can take a holiday, respite, whatever I need, and know that she is safe. I think you definitely need to take the respite, even if it involves some subterfuge. You don't need to warn her, just pack a bag. She won't remember, and it causes unnecessary anxiety. As your mother has problems storing recent memories it might be worth presenting it as a little break for her, while you are away, just before you take her to wherever she will be cared for.
My mum sometimes confuse me with her husband who has also passed away (I am her daughter) which I have found difficult. In my case I now think it is just a confusion of words as they are all stored in the same part of the brain. She feels like I am leaving her for Jack, my husband, and promises to be grown up about it, but it is clearly very distressing for her (and me). You have to take care of yourself as you really will be no good to her unless you do. I learnt the hard way and ended up in hospital with sepsis twice during first 18 months after her diagnosis.
Take care.
Pleased to say that mum is in respite care at the moment. She's been there for a week & has another week to go. She seems to be enjoying it although she's unsure why she's there & not at home with her family (her childhood home with brothers & sister). I'm a bit apprehensive about how she'll react when she returns home - a flat where she lives alone with visits from carers, but does not recognise as her own home. Another huge problem, her cat, which I'm looking after daily at the flat, is very old & clearly at the end of its life. The kindest thing would be to have him put to sleep now but I know how distressed mum will be to find him gone. Do I keep the poor thing going until she returns, or get the job done whilst she's away, with the possible consequence of being forever blamed for getting rid of him just to be cruel to her.
Hi @alang if the cat is so poorly it should really go to the vets now. I can't see that it will be easier to do once your mum is home. Could you tell her that the cat has been staying with you whist she's been away in respite & as its not well you need to keep looking after it for now? (AKA love lies)
My mum had budgies that she fretted over & wouldn't go anywhere for long. Mum went into respite for a while then into a care home. Mum worried about them at first but once in the care home she has forgotten she had them. They are with me & mum see's them on the occasions she comes here but otherwise no longer thinks about them.
My mum had budgies that she fretted over & wouldn't go anywhere for long. Mum went into respite for a while then into a care home. Mum worried about them at first but once in the care home she has forgotten she had them. They are with me & mum see's them on the occasions she comes here but otherwise no longer thinks about them.
Yes, that's my mum exactly! It would seem that my late father is seeing other women, too. And mum's boyfriend turns out to be gay & what will her dad do when he finds out.
It would be ideal if mum could carry on at the care home. Not sure it could be arranged in the short time between now & when she's due home, but it's a serious consideration.I'd feel terrible beause it would look like I'd planned it all along & lied to her that she'd be going home, but seeing that home to mum is somewhere in the past, not the flat she's lived in for the last six months, it probably wouldn't make much difference.
I'm trying to weigh up which would cause the least shock/disruption regarding the cat. Taking him to the vets now & the shock for her finding him gone on her return - he's been ill for a good while but mum can't remember that fact so it would come as a surprise, or take him soon after her return & have the distress that will cause. Plus the fact that he's getting rather messy around the house & the daily clean up is getting beyond a joke, not to mention the hygiene aspect. I think I may have answered my own question here.
Does she still talk about the cat? You may find that she has forgotten about him and wont actually notice that hes gone if you dont mention it.
TBH, I dont think it is fair on the cat to keep him in distress. If she does notice, then "love lies" are the way.
A terrible situation to be in. My mother was the same when she moved in with me, obsessed with her son, old home and her little dog. It was all so difficult to deal with and anti depressants did help a little.
The cat seems to be your main concern at the moment. Whatever you decide to do will not make less or worse your mother's reaction to the news, that is if you decide to tell her, personally I would not and if she asks you could say it is at the vet's and will be home soon, at some point she will stop asking. What advice has the vet given?
Still a horrible, guilt ridden decision to make. Our parents are supposed to make these decisions for themselves, not their children on their behalf.
The cat seems to be your main concern at the moment. Whatever you decide to do will not make less or worse your mother's reaction to the news, that is if you decide to tell her, personally I would not and if she asks you could say it is at the vet's and will be home soon, at some point she will stop asking. What advice has the vet given?
Still a horrible, guilt ridden decision to make. Our parents are supposed to make these decisions for themselves, not their children on their behalf.
I'm pretty sure mum will remember she has a cat once she is home, even though she won't recognise home! Mainly because she's had him so long - he's 20 years old. She gets frantic about where he is when he's just gone behind a chair. Saying he's at the vet's might be the answer actually, although she's awfully suspicious about everything. I walked in with a bag of shopping & she thought I had a dead dog in the bag.
Cat doesn't seem in distress, he sleeps most of the time but is still eating & drinking plenty. He does have a tumour & the vet has advised we have him put to sleep. I've got the coming week to get my act together with this, before mum gets home.
Cat doesn't seem in distress, he sleeps most of the time but is still eating & drinking plenty. He does have a tumour & the vet has advised we have him put to sleep. I've got the coming week to get my act together with this, before mum gets home.
Hi, this is my first post on here although I've been reading the forums a while. I'm replying because I had a similar situation with my mother and her cat. She had cats all her life, and when dementia set in she became obsessed with her last cat and asked every ten minutes where he was (at this point she couldn't even remember his name). Last month I had to move her to a care home and the most difficult thing was sorting out the cat! So I really sympathise. After a lot of planning I was able to get the cat rehomed on the same day my mother moved to her care home. I told my mother she was going for a break, and the cat would be looked after by a nice lady. Now she is in the care home she doesn't seem to fret about him.
I think in your case the fact that the vet has suggested the cat is put to sleep tells you what you need to do. Vets do not say this lightly, and the cat shouldn't be allowed to suffer. I agree with others too that maybe your mother could remain in the care home after respite. I wouldn't worry about it 'looking as if you planned it', it is you who has to make these difficult decisions and your mother will probably be unhappy about it whenever it happens. But having to only do it 'once' i.e. she is already there, no more moves or disruption required, would probably better for all concerned. These are such difficult decisions, and none of us wants to have to make them.
I think in your case the fact that the vet has suggested the cat is put to sleep tells you what you need to do. Vets do not say this lightly, and the cat shouldn't be allowed to suffer. I agree with others too that maybe your mother could remain in the care home after respite. I wouldn't worry about it 'looking as if you planned it', it is you who has to make these difficult decisions and your mother will probably be unhappy about it whenever it happens. But having to only do it 'once' i.e. she is already there, no more moves or disruption required, would probably better for all concerned. These are such difficult decisions, and none of us wants to have to make them.
Yesterday the cat was put to sleep. It became apparent when I visited to feed him that he was now clearly in distress so I took him to the vet. I'm rather relieved I have to admit. I did not enjoy the daily clean up & the cat, at 20, was obviously not going to get any better. Mum comes home from respite care, to her flat, on Monday. Not at all sure how I am going to approach the subject of the cat. She will be expecting to find him there. I will by then have removed all reminders of him, but she will of course be upset, as she regarded him as ''all she's got''. And she could not remember that the vet advised us to let him go months ago. Then again she often asked who he belonged to! It could go either way. I might say that I found him dead at home & have buried him, because she might just accuse me of ''getting rid'' of him whilst her back was turned.
Im so sorry you had to make that decision, but I think it was right. 20 years old is a good age for a cat.
Dont say anything about the cat and see how it goes. If she mentions him your idea about finding him dead is a good love lie.
Dont say anything about the cat and see how it goes. If she mentions him your idea about finding him dead is a good love lie.
