Moving to care home today

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Topsy7, Dec 5, 2019.

  1. Caz60

    Caz60 Registered User

    Jul 24, 2014
    253
    Lancashire
    It's a step you need to take and it wont be good ,a mixture of total sadness grief and relief but your lives have to change and over time it will transform for both of you .
    I've done it two years ago and cried lots and felt sadness like no other but it was the correct thing to do.Especially for my hubby he needed all the care and nursing he is getting.
    You have to move on ,thinking of you xx
     
  2. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    Thank you for your lovely reply. I’m sorry you have had to place your wife in a home but you have done your best and I hope you enjoy the relief of not giving 24/7 care.
    It is so hard to let our loved ones be looked after. I have done this for 7 years and am so tired as I work too. Like you I miss the companionship the most
    Hope you find a way to have some joy this Christmas even though it won’t be easy
     
  3. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    Thank you; yes I know it’s right and in time i will accept it more but it is the hardest thing. Thanks for sharing your experience
     
  4. millalm

    millalm Registered User

    Oct 9, 2019
    53
    @Topsy7 I looked for you this morning! I saw your posts saying it was an awful, horrible day, I felt your tiredness and your grief. I hope you will have a better week to come as you start to sort out the aftermath of this move.
     
  5. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    Thank you for your concern
    It has been truly dreadful but whether it was now or a few months time it would always be hard. I won’t see Bob until next Friday and hope he has settled a bit by then. Hope you have a good week too
     
  6. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    Sleep is coming at strange times but I am getting some. Thanks for your concern
     
  7. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    I hope that you have the wisdom to know the right time and the courage to make the move. There is no easy way for any of us to walk this path but we can learn from others who’ve gone before. I wish you the best with your husband
     
  8. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    Th
    thank you; may you have all the support you need around you too
     
  9. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,576
    Thankyou for sharing and encouragement. We have decided together, now to make it happen in a doable way.
    It is a rough path that so many others have trod before us.
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,084
    Kent
    It`s the roughest.
    I know it was unavoidable for us but so painful I'm almost reliving it with those of you about to make this decision.
     
  11. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,576
    I am sorry that you are reliving it, deep down it is always there incorporated in us.
    It was brought home yesterday, we were watching the Crown together, this episode was about the Aberfan disaster. I burst in to tears, all the emotions I had in 1966 came flooding back with a vengeance.
    Our daughters were the same age as the children who died at the time, the pain I felt for the parents was brought verwhelming.
    Somehow people can imagine we have the power to start anew but it seems we can only coat and recoat.
    We are all very vulnerable however brave we appear to the world. Perhaps this is our humanity showing through.
     
  12. Anmarg

    Anmarg New member

    Apr 9, 2019
    9
    This is my first post but have been reading lots, my Dad moved into a care home for two weeks respite on the 23rd December, with a view to finding a more permanent placement. He has lived on his own most of his adult life, we as a family have been supporting him for the last two years and have tried everything in our power to keep him safe and independent in his own home.
    About six weeks ago he went out twice in the middle of the night (he has door sensors). Thankfully, he was find safe with the help of the police, however with a very heavy heart that a care home would be the safest place for Dad.
    I have been searching for support as I feel heartbroken and can't help be feel I could have done more and that I have failed him.
    I have the same feelings that have been described in the above posts.
    I thank you all for making me realise I am not feeling alone.
    Dad has not settled, has been begging to come home and has called the police to report he has been kidnapped
    I hope things get easier?
    I wish you all the very best x
     
  13. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,540
    Merseyside
    Welcome to DTP @Anmarg
    I’m glad you feel you are not feeling alone now you’ve found us. Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.
     
  14. Anmarg

    Anmarg New member

    Apr 9, 2019
    9
    Thank you so much for your reply.
     
  15. Ponddweller

    Ponddweller Registered User

    Jun 20, 2019
    76
    Oh @Anmarg I’m so sorry that he’s not settling . That’s so distressing when all you want to do is keep him safe. My dad has just managed two paltry days at a home before my sister was guilt tripped into bringing him home. There are lots of people on here with loads of experience if the difficulties and emotions involved in getting a person to settle and I’m sure they’ll be along to offer support.
     
  16. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    11,071
    Female
    South coast
    How did he call the police @Anmarg ? If hes got a mobile perhaps it could get "broken". Mobiles and care homes are not a good match with dementia - it seems like a comforting thing to do, but actually its just a reminder of home. If he is using the care homes phone, perhaps you could have a word with them
     
  17. Anmarg

    Anmarg New member

    Apr 9, 2019
    9
    Hello, thank for your reply, I have spent the last two weeks feeling so much guilt and wanted to bring him home, so can relate to your sister. I have a meeting with social services tomorrow as he can't stay at this home, it's too expensive so am not looking forward to having to go through moving him again for him or me.
    Thank you again for your support.
     
  18. Anmarg

    Anmarg New member

    Apr 9, 2019
    9
    Hi Canary,
    He rang from his mobile phone, the staff have asked if that could be taken off him, we have agreed he can have it 8am until 9, so I understand what you are saying completely. It just feels that another part of his independence and liberty is being taken away. Many thanks for your support I wasn't sure what to do for the best.
     
  19. Anmarg

    Anmarg New member

    Apr 9, 2019
    9
    I have a devastating and shocking update to my Dads situation, as you know he was in respite and after a SS and CH review on Tuesday 7th Jan we decided to find him a more permanent suitable placement after evidence of poor care. It breaks my heart to say that I had a call from the CH at midnight on 9th Jan to inform me that Dad had been found knocking on the ground floor care him window after 'falling or jumping' of his first floor bedroom window.
    It is a serious inquiry now. Dad has serious injuries, two fractured vertebrae, broken sacrum and blood in his skull from head injury.
    Dad was very active and physically fit, these are potential life changing injuries and we are beside ourselves. I just don't know where to go with my guilt and emotions at the moment.
     
  20. Avis

    Avis Registered User

    Nov 2, 2019
    90
    You poor thing. It must have been terrible for you, your dad and the rest of the family. I hope he makes a speedy recovery and that the CH puts him in a more secure area. Best wishes.
     

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