Moving to care home today

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Topsy7, Dec 5, 2019.

  1. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    My husband is moving to care home today. It’s middle of the night, care home reviews CQC say need improvement .
    But when I visited I chatted to residents wife, the activities coordinator and manager and was happy
    Now I’m so anxious; don’t want to do this anyway but can’t cope any longer .
    Can I move him if it proves not to be good? How long before you know if loved one settles. I feel so bad. Reassurance needed please
     
  2. millalm

    millalm Registered User

    Oct 9, 2019
    53
    #2 millalm, Dec 5, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2019
    I'm sorry you're up in the middle of the night, lack of sleep will not help with the stress of move in day. Today will be the hardest day of all, it is difficult to have to admit you can't cope any longer, and no matter how hard you've tried this move will most likely feel like you have failed him, and you will be looking for reasons not to go through with it. I was the one who had to move my Dad into a care home when my Mum could no longer cope, and after he passed I have had to do the same with my Mum so I have a lot of experience with the second guessing, the guilt and the fear that you are feeling. If you haven't already had the opportunity to set up his room, try to take a few small items from home with you today, a familiar blanket, throw, a small picture or 2 to start with and maybe something bright and Christmasy to warm up the room. Spend some time there with him and make sure you leave for the first time right before a meal if you can so he is actively engaged when you leave. It will be very likely that you will feel a strange combination of grief and sadness but don't feel guilty if you also feel some relief. Take advice from the carers but also do what feels most 'right' to you, if that means going back later or the very next day, just follow your instincts and you won't go far wrong. It may not get easier right away, but once the move is done you will have taken the first step in your new 'normal' and will be able to use your energy to figure out what works best for you and your husband going forward, not just to survive each day. There is no way to predict how long it takes for people to settle as everyone has a different experience so just don't expect too much right away!

    Good luck.
     
  3. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    Tank you millalm, that is helpful. I hadn’t planned on being up in the night but that’s how it was.
    I just don’t want to be separated from him...but it’s inevitable, if not today it would be soon
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,171
    Kent
    I hope all goes well @Topsy7

    It`s a terrible stage in your lives but as you say, if not now, it will need to be, in time.

    Give your husband time to settle and have excuses ready when you leave after visiting. eg. doctor, dentist, hair appointment, shopping, etc. etc.
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    11,159
    Female
    South coast
    I hope all goes well today

    A couple of pieces of advice - dont leave the cases there and, if possible, dont have him around when you unpack - maybe leave him chatting to one of the carers and go and unpack then.
    The other thing is that I found that mum would mirror my moods, so if I was cheerful she would be, but if I was unhappy or anxious she would be too. Try and be upbeat and cheerful (I know you wont feel it inside, but pin the mask on tightly) and be positive about everything - what a lovely view from the lounge, arnt the staff helpful, what a nice room he has etc etc.
    Finally, dont do long goodbyes as I used to find that saying goodbye would often set mum off, wanting to go with me. So, in fact, I didnt say goodbye to mum - I used to wait until a meal was served (distraction) then tell her that I was going to the loo. After that I would just disappear.
     
  6. Helly68

    Helly68 Registered User

    Mar 12, 2018
    521
    I agree with all of the above. With regards CQC, the only way you really know a home is with regular visiting and observing the staff.
    In terms of moving, you need to give it time. This is a big change for all, but a very necessary one. People often worry here if "they have done the right thing" or made the best decision. There is no "best" with dementia, only least worst.
    I found, once my mum settles in her care home, she was more confident and relaxed and enjoyed being in the company of others.
     
  7. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    Thank you all for your support and helpful comments; I need it!!
    CQC comments are how I feel- every dementia patient is different and responds differently to staff , environment etc
    Also great comment- there is no best solution with dementia only least worst....
     
  8. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    60,166
    Female
    Dundee
    I hope everything goes well for you both today.
     
  9. Gillywilly

    Gillywilly Registered User

    Sep 21, 2018
    21
    Hi I would imagine if you were unhappy with a care home that it would be your right to move him to another home I don’t see why not even if it’s paid for by social work it’s your loved one and remember they don’t mean what they say to you no matter how much it hurts. I know it’s very difficult. Maybe ask them if you are unhappy with him there can you move him but I don’t see a reason why you can’t.
     
  10. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,407
    Female
    Chester
    I really agree with this, it is not a phrase that makes sense to those who haven't experienced dementia, but PWD don't have the same needs and wants as we do, and I think sometimes we think what we would want for ourselves rather than the PWD.

    It takes time for a person to settle in, so give it time.

    I hope all goes well for you.
     
  11. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    Thank you
    Worst day of my life but I got through it
     
  12. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    Thank you- worst day of my life but he’s made the move...
     
  13. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    Thank you- it was a horrible day but it had to be done
     
  14. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    Thank you
    Worst day of my life but that’s a major step taken
     
  15. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    Thank you , it was a horrible day but it’s done ...
     
  16. Topsy7

    Topsy7 Registered User

    Jul 1, 2016
    28
    Thank you. It’s done now- was an awful day but necessary
     
  17. Philbo

    Philbo Registered User

    Feb 28, 2017
    743
    Male
    Kent
    Hi @Topsy7

    It's a difficult step isn't it.:(

    My wife went into nursing care at the end of September and I have been through a whole range of emotions since.

    After caring for her for 6+ years, it was a relief in many ways, not having to be on alert 24/7, having time to do what I want. However, I found it hard to relinquish the caring aspects and accept that the nursing home and it's lovely staff have their own ways and routines. As my wife is mainly blissfully unaware of what's going on around her, she has settled in well and seems happy.

    The difficult aspect for me has been getting used to being on my own, especially coming home to an empty house. After 48 years of marriage (our anniversary was a couple of weeks after she moved to the NH), I miss the companionship, even though she was unable to communicate hardly at all these last few years.

    If I've learnt one thing after soldiering along the dementia journey, it is how we (carers) cope and adapt to changing situations. I think the impending Christmas period is going to test this somewhat but I will put on a brave face.:rolleyes:

    Wishing you and all the lovely TP folk a very happy Christmas.

    Phil
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    70,171
    Kent
    I see you`ve been posting in the early hours @Topsy7. I hope you managed some sleep.
     
  19. jenniferjean

    jenniferjean Registered User

    Apr 2, 2016
    628
    Female
    Basingstoke, Hampshire
    That's true. When the changes happen slowly it tends to be a bit easier, but when things happen suddenly it can be more difficult. But yes, we do adapt. We just have to. So it's not surprising when we get stressed and feel we have the world on our shoulders. Thank Heavens for TP.
     
  20. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,583
    I really feel for you, I am on the brink of making the same move with my own beloved husband. It is the hardest thing ever. Others on here have good advice, especially those trying to do their best for a partner. We are all different, be kind to yourself. X
     

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